A New Time

Lord knows how long the powers that be will allow this video to stay up, but I had to post it because it broke me down this morning. If my last month or so of blogs were made into a song, it would be this one.

When I think back over 2012, I have to smile and cry at the same damn time. Its funny how growth can sometimes feel like loss, but in order to gain anything, one has to give something else up. Its called progress when what you opt for adds more to your life than what you sacrifice leaves you without. Only sometimes, the impact of your decisions arent immediately visible, and that worry sets in, causing you to wonder if you've done the right thing. In the last year of ups and downs, I've learned to trust myself, but as I've said before, win or lose, the decisions have been mine.

I've changed a lot. My last trip home bore evidence of that. In 2013, I'd ask of my friends and family; get to know me again... or for the first time. I'd ask of my enemies; forgive me. I forgive you. I'd ask of my future; embrace me, and of my past.......[sigh].... let me go...

Please... let me go.

If you really knew what it took........ *tears* ........ if you really knew what it took, you wouldnt judge me. Not just this past year, but ALL these years. Scars both outside and in... Trust me when I say reading about it and living it are two completely different things, and there is so, so much more you still dont know. SO much more. But me? I know it all. I lived and survived it ALL.

So when midnight strikes and (God willing) I step into my 37th year of this life, there will be no words to describe how I feel. I dont know if I've ever brought the new year in, just me and my children. A part of me will be crying because for the first time, no one else is here. Most of me will be crying because for the first time... that's okay.

It took a long, long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses
And one too many lies
Dont be surprised...

Its a brand new time for me.


Happy New Year.

Love, Dig.

12-30-12

Back in Jersey, trying to close up the weekend with a little productivity. Cleaning the house, doing laundry and eventually putting up the stuff I dragged down from my girlfriend's attic. I just realized half the stuff needs a shelf or something to go on LOL. Guess I got some shopping to do.

Ended my trip upstate with a night out at the club with some of my peoples. It wasnt quite the night out we were looking for but I had a decent time, considering. The downside was having too good a time with somebody it took me forever to get out of my system. Before the night was over, I was right back where I didnt want to be - tossing and turning all night, hating life and wishing things were different. I think I cried for like a half hour on my way outta town....smh. But I aint bout that life no more. Things are not different, but I am. The "wisdom to know the difference" has made ALL the difference in my life of late and while its something I wish I didnt have to do.... AGAIN.... I will get over it. AGAIN.

And in the spirit of moving on, I am excited to see what the new year has in store for me. I always look forward to bigger and better things for the year to come, but this is the first time in a couple years that I actually believed there were great things ahead. Maybe its because I once again feel like Im starting over, either willingly or reluctantly leaving a lot of things behind, but leaving them behind nonetheless.

Still one whole week before I have to go back to work, so once I get the house back in order, I'll work on getting my credit there too and do some of the writing that's been burning a hole in my to-do list for the last few weeks. Mr. "walk down Broadway" owes me dinner and though Im not feeling he's gonna be my "next big thing" he's more than happy keeping the seat warm while I wait. Im good with that. Just ordered the books I need for my next class and ... well.... Im just ready for whatever is on the horizon. Not gonna speculate as to what might be, just ready for it.

I hope you all are preparing new and better "you's" for 2013, not making resolutions, but real deal changes in your lives. You know what they say - a life unexamined is one not worth the living. Well, thats what THEY say LOL. I feel the random, unexpected moments that warm your heart, make you smile or encourage you to dream, examined or not, make EVERY life worth living, but what do I know...?

First thing in the damn morning....smh

SMH.

Why do I have to explain to you why I dont want to have sex with you? The first few words of the phrase "I dont want to...." should be all you need. And are you really trying guilt me right now? Seriously? All that shit you talkin bout was seven years ago LOL. SEVEN YEARS, DUDE!

"Well its been forever."

"Theres a reason its been forever. We aint in that space no more."

"Why cant we go back... we grown...."

*staring into the camera* You dont sound very grown right now. "We were grown then."

"Ok but why cant we go back to that space?"

*staring into the camera* *updating Google translator* "Because I dont WANT to."

Would it have been better for me to say (among other things) that the dick was trash? I mean it was, but I kinda feel like it mighta ruined our friendship if I had said it LOL. At the end of the day though, I shouldnt have to give you a reason.

Did I mention that this whole conversation arose because he wanted to see me while Im here and I told him to meet me at the happy hour Im going to tomorrow? Yeah well, he felt some kinda way about it. "Oh I gotta meet you at the club now?" LOL no, you aint GOTTA do nothing. Im just saying, thats where I'll be if you should be looking. He clearly hasnt gotten the memo that what HE wants has no impact on what I want. Could I have had him come by my girl's crib? Sure. She knows him, she'd be fine with that. The truth of the matter is, he's just not that high on my list of priorities for me to even put that on the table. Its not like we havent been in touch - he's up to date on whats going on in my life (as much as a non-member of the inner circle would be) so its not like we have catching up to do. WTF do you need to come sit on a couch for? LOL And where did all this sex shit come from? A bitch posts a pic that reminds you how nice her legs are and muhfuckas come out the woodwork tryna get that old thang back. Look here, bruh. That old thang wasnt that good the first time around, thats why its old LOL. It is not by accident that I havent been fuckin with you like that. Or you. OR you LOL.

WTF is in the water up here?

SMH.

Day 5

So Im 5 days into my trip Upstate, and surprisingly, most of that time has been spent with my family. We've actually been having a pretty good time, but of course, to everything, turn, turn, turn LOL....smh.

My mama thought I was her personal errand girl today since she went back to work and I had her car. Even though it was the only day I've had it, I dont think Im gonna take it again. I aint hardly here for all that LOL. Actually, I might cut my trip a little short and go back home Saturday - I dont know yet. I thought a longer trip would be good since I usually dont have enough time to see everybody I want to see when Im just here for a weekend, but as cozy as my girlfriend's place is, Im missing the comfort of my own home and I find it difficult to write here, which is something I had planned to do a lot of. It could just be that with spending so much time with the family I havent had a chance to catchup with my homies, but I think I just dont NEED to be here so long. There just isnt that much ground to cover. Plus I realized I dont really wanna see half the people I thought I did LOL.

Why one of my exes called me Saturday though, talking about he wanted to hang out. Eh, whatever - we still cool, why not? Then he started asking 100 questions about where the midgets were and where they were gonna be and if my girlfriend was here and Im like did I miss this year's census? You asking a lotta questions, bruh LOL. He hits me with the "I was thinking I'd come keep you company tonight" [read: "I was hoping I could come hit that for old times sake"] Oh did you really now? "Um, the obvious aside... I thought you were all boo'd up now?" He goes, "I know, thats fucked up huh? [chuckle]"

*staring into the camera*

"Yeah so..... no."

Then he's all on Facebook yesterday with all this lovey dovey boo bay shit about his girl and what she cooked and their "love" LOL and all the natives were just eating it up. I wanted to comment so bad like nigga, just TWO days ago you was....... smh...... Niggas aint shit LOL.

He wasnt the only one tryna get in some drawz though. In the 5 days I've been here, I've been propositioned 3 other times - 2 the same night (Saturday) and once today. These muthafuckas crazy LOL. All this snow and 20 degree temps got these fools wilding the fuck out. I am way outside my habitat, I need to take my neo-prude ass home LOL.

They talkin about a foot or more of snow tonight though and it's already started to pile up out there, so Ima be in the house with my girl, probably sipping and clearing the DVR. My guess is most everyone else will be in the house too, so Im sure Im in for an evening of Facebook fuckery, but hey.... those nights make for the best blogs LOL.

Stay tuned!

Having a moment

Missing my Auntie Judy this morning. It kinda came outta nowhere.

I saw a man on the train with these black finger nails and I thought to myself, I’ve seen ONE black fingernail but how does a person have ALL black fingernails? I figured something must be wrong with him…. Maybe some liver thing or…. Cancer. And I remembered the time my Aunt Judy unwrapped her hands and showed me how her fingers were oozing this…. pus and swelling and her nails were yellowing. It was gross but it drew me in to an understanding. Something in that moment told me she wasn’t gonna make it. And then instantly my mind went from that scene to the end of her days, when my mom was flying down to be with her in the hospital for her last moments. I wanted to go so bad but at the time I couldn’t afford it. In retrospect, I probably benefitted greatly from being able to remember her the way she was when I last saw her – vibrant and full of life. But I sent my mom down with a pack of the cigars I smoke. Auntie Judy liked those. It was our thing. I hoped that sending them would make her feel like I was with her, and according to my mom, it did.

I think about Auntie Judy in passing all the time, but this is the first time in a while that I thought about her in a way that caused me to have to leave my desk and have a moment in the restroom. When I tell you I cried, I'm talking about boo-hoo, like-a-baby crying. But its okay, because it reminds me that I was blessed enough to have been that close to somebody – close enough that 5 years later, their absence can be felt as if it had just happened yesterday. It also reminds me how much I still carry her with me, even in the moments when I don’t acknowledge it.

It also reminded me that some things matter, while others really don’t.

I was upset yesterday because of something I failed to do at work. I was so upset that I was completely drained both physically and mentally by 4pm and when I got home, my entire body shut down. I struggled to stay up until 10 so I wouldn’t find myself waking up in the middle of the night, but I was out by 10:30. I woke up at 3:33 exactly, went to the bathroom and got back in bed, too awake to actually sleep, so I just kinda rested my eyes until 6. When I got up, I felt almost brand new – over the thing at work yesterday and just looking forward to the day. I had made myself physically sick the night before, stressing about something that I couldn’t change. I don’t know what happened in the overnight but I kinda feel like Aunt Judy kicked my spirit in the ass to tell me to get my shit together LOL and maybe I had the moment I had because she wanted to make sure I knew it was her. I can hear her now, “Sweetie, don’t sweat the small stuff.”

I hear you, Auntie. I hear you.

Enjoying the now

Its so easy for most of us to sit and reflect on times, things and people we've had in our lives, or attempt to map out things to come, but its not so easy for us to just enjoy the place we're at in our lives right now. Reflection is great for the soul and having a plan for the future is great too, but sometimes we spend so much time looking back and worrying about what's ahead that we dont see the beauty in the now. Before we know it, when we look up, another year has gone by and we've missed it.

We've missed it.

I watched a couple of things on TV yesterday that made me hella nostalgic. I thought back to my adolescence and the friends and experiences I had back then and it was the first time in a long time, that I could go that far back in my mind without feeling sad that those times are gone... wanting to go back and be there again. A simpler time. Minimal consequences for doing really stupid shit LOL. Dealing with people based on your genuine feeling as opposed to what life has taught you would result from dealing in that way. If there is one thing I wish I could recover, it would be that innocence. Being able to just operate the way I was naturally inclined to without analyzing. But thats the sacrifice of maturity - innocence lost.

But I've crossed that bridge.

The people who were central to my life then are not the same people central to my life today, and after speaking to one of my girls for what seemed like 2 hours, I realize its possible that the people who are central to my life today might not be the same ones central to it 15 years from now - God willing I live to see another 15 years. And that scared me a little bit at first, but another thing I realized was that its another sacrifice you make to move on to new phases in your life. The realest bonds never go away, just like those I genuinely bonded with back then still have circumferential roles in my life today. Those who arent around, werent meant to be and Im okay with that.

Dammit, Ima be 40 in 3 years! Sheesh! I cannot believe that shit. SMH. I think that epiphany is what sparked a lot of this thought process, aside from the things I watched yesterday and the music I listened to that took me back. Got me thinking, damn, where did the time go? Then I look at my son and realize he'll be 15 pretty soon and Im like SHIT! 15 though? Wow. When I was 15..... SMH... Jesus help me LOL.

I love this time of year because it does make me sit back and think about my life and how far I've come. Tough times aside, I've had a really good life and some wonderful experiences. I blogged before about needing to embrace my new life and let go of the remnants of the old one I've been holding on so desperately to, but I'll spend much of my visit home catching up with people from yester year. I want to do it, but I also need to do it. At first I'd get a request from "high school dirtbag A" who caught wind of my plans to be in town via Facebook and be like nigga, a drink? With you? For what? LOL But then I'd tell myself it might be worth it to let him see what he fucked up and show myself that I didnt miss out on a damn thing LOL. Why not? Next thing you know I had accepted 3 of those drink dates LOL. Fuck it. #enjoyingthenow.com LOL

I'd list the many ways in which Im blessed, but there is no way I could do it and not miss like 1,000 things. Suffice it to say that there is a lot about my life right now that is really great and Im going to spend 2013 enjoying every ounce of the now. Its the only thing that matters.

Turn, turn, turn.....

Confirmation that I need to get my shit from upstate: chatty ass delivery dude brought my groceries to the house, stood in the door and looked around and goes, "Nice place. Just move in?"

*staring into the camera*

No, bitch. LOL

*************************

Heartfelt condolences to the victims and families of those killed in the schoolhouse shooting in Newtown, CT this morning. There is no act more soul-less and cowardly than one that intentionally does harm to or takes the life of a child.... let alone 20. These are the last days yall. December 21st? No. But Him soon come....

Catfish

I should be writing my paper right now and trust me, I will get on it as soon as Im done here, but I'll be damned if I didnt just sit through 2 episodes of the craziest shit I ever seen on TV LOL.

Have you seen the movie Catfish? If you havent, its about a guy who fell in love with a woman on Facebook and embarked on a journey to meet her - a journey which he thought it would be cool to document on film. In the end, the woman he met was not the woman he thought he had been talking to all this time - AT ALL. I mean this woman and her whole entire family (yes, family LOL) was fucked the fuck up LOL. The woman whose pictures he had been seeing actually existed but she was happily married, didnt know anything about what was going on and didnt know the lady who was pretending to be her, which Nev (the guy) found out when he reached out to her to tell her about everything that had happened.

Well now Nev has turned Catfish into a reality series. People send him messages about their online romances and he picks the most interesting ones to "help along" through the process of meeting each other. This was the first time I had ever seen the show, although its been on a little while, I guess. The first episode that aired was pretty benign but the second one? Woo Lawd! LOL

So Nev chooses to help this girl named Jasmine who is pretty young - I'd guess maybe 18 or so. She's been talking to this guy "Mike" for 2 years on Facebook and they had never met. Not overly weird..... until you hear that they only live 15 minutes apart. (Im sorry.... huh? LOL) They've also only talked on the phone twice, for just a couple of minutes each time before the phone mysteriously loses reception... and he never calls back (we've been over this before). The backstory is that Mike had a baby mama he was supposedly no longer with and Jasmine was going to be upset if she found out the reason he was being so shady is because he was actually still with the ex.

So Nev and Max (camera man) go all through "Mike's" page, trying to find clues and even call a girl, "Ceanna", who seems to actually know him. They reach out to her and she confirms that "Mike" is real, they were good friends and he was, in fact, engaged to his baby mama, with whom he now had 2 kids. Everybody knows something is janky at this point so they get Jasmine to ask "Mike" for a meet because they need to set things straight once and for all. He agrees.

They all go to where "Mike" lives and here is this skanky broad in half a dress walking across the street. Long story short.... sighhhhhh..... Jasmine and this chick Mhissy were cool until they realized they were fucking with the same dude. Mhissy claims she is actually in a relationship with the dude while Jasmine was just banging him and that when she asked Jasmine to respect that and fall back, she wouldnt. So Mhissy creates this fake Facebook personality to distract Jasmine from her so-called man. Apparently it worked, because 2 years later, Jasmine is in love with this fake personality. Jasmine is all broken up (blah, blah, blah) and Mhissy has no remorse.

Now there is a lot wrong with this picture. How do you kick it with somebody for 2 years and only talk to them on the phone twice, for just a couple minutes? How do you live 15 minutes away from each other and never meet? Now Mhissy aside, that would be some bullshit if the muhfucka was real. Women get played every day but like THAT for 2 YEARS? #comeonson

*paper break* I'll be back. Oh yeah. Im gon be back LOL

[2 hours later]

Okay.

So I love the idea that Nev took his experience and turned it into a movement to blow up spots all over America LOL. Sure, some of the stories are bound to have happy (or at least happer) endings, but there are a lot of crazy people out here and you have to be really careful dealing with people online who you dont know. I felt horrible for Nev when I saw the movie, but more than feeling horrible, I could relate.

I had two experiences during my period of online shenanigans where guys were not who they told me they were. It wasnt a love thing either time, but I liked the dudes. The first one was super sweet, had a voice that I thought matched the picture I had seen, but like the chick in the episode, whenever I'd ask for a pic I hadnt seen, he'd have some kind of problem uploading the file or something. Computers are fickle, hey, maybe he was having issues. He didnt seem very computer literate to begin with, so I just let it ride. He was cool, so whatever. The problem came when 2 months had gone by and he still couldnt figure the shit out LOL. Now it was an issue because he was REALLY tripping, putting his mama on the phone, telling her she was gonna be welcoming me to the family, had her inviting me to dinner and all that kinda shit. I was like hold up nah, potna, I like you and all that, but pump the brakes. I NEED you to find some time to meet up, I mean you're only 45 minutes away, so dont gimme no bullshit. I'll even come to you. And I did.

This fool.....smh....

I take a day off and drive to Buffalo to meet him at this marina. I pull up and look for the green Tahoe he's calling me from. He pulls up behind me and doesnt get out right away, so I dont either. A few seconds later, dude gets out the truck with some roses and starts walking toward my car, so I get out, but I'm looking back and forth from him to his truck, thinking okay, James must be in the truck cause THIS aint the muhfucka I been talking to LOL. I mean, James musta had his boy come check me out first or something and then he'd come out after he got the nod. Of course that didnt make any kinda sense, but it was better to believe that in that moment than believe this dusty, black ass, pillsbury doughboy ass nigga in the dingy white velour sweatsuit, busted, ran-over sneakers and kinky fake gold rope chains was why I drove all that way LOL. It took everything in me not to turn right around, get back in the car and go back to the Roc, but once I did find words, they just kept coming LOL. I cursed his ass out six ways from Sunday LOL. And it wasnt cause he wasnt the fine dude in the picture.... well yeah it was LOL.... but I mean it was the principle of the matter. How insecure do you have to be to do some shit like that, and after you've talked to a person for a while and got them to kinda like you, why wouldnt you realize that you couldnt keep that shit up forever and just come clean? On some real shit, I woulda forgave it. We woulda been squarely in the friend zone but I woulda forgave it LOL. He created a situation where I was never gonna speak to him again. And in the midst of him getting cursed out, this fool calls his mama LOL. "She wanna talk to you" LMAO! Are you fuckin kidding me? I shoulda beat his ass with that phone, but I took it and talked to her, politely telling her that I was sure she is a very nice woman but no, I would not be coming for dinner that night or any other night. Then I threw the phone at him and did what I shoulda did from jump: got back in my car and drove off.

The second dude came clean to me after I told him I had had that experience. Im sure it was hard for him to do and I forgave it, but a liar doesnt tell just one lie, and his other ones included a wife. Yeah.

So I learned the signs of online fakers and also incorporated video chatting into my regimen LOL. But eventually I just went back to meeting people in the real world. I've had the occasional online endeavor since, but not with complete strangers and if they werent computer literate enough to upload a file or work a damn webcam, I wasnt interested LOL. But I had totally forgotten about that shit until I watched Catfish today and it just reminded me that some people out here are really demented. A person being too insecure about their own looks or worth to be themselves in a space that allows them to be whoever they want to be is one thing. For a chick to create a fake manpage to get back at a rival and then maintain not only the page but the charade for 2 whole years is just crazy. And she wasnt even just being the dude, she done created fake people for the dude to be friends with and was playing their roles too! LOL Who does that shit? LOL Man, people are crazy for real. Ima mess around and have another reality show addiction but this definitely aint a show you gonna see ME on!

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Let it marinate

‎"The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now" - Zig Ziglar

I wanted to blog about this but I cant get my thoughts together. So for now, just let it marinate.....

24

I feel inclined to say that I work with a bunch of whores LOL. But I dont. Well.... yeah I do LOL. But the real deal is I work with a bunch of 24 year olds. Most 24 year olds are whores LOL. They just dont realize it.

Clearly Im joking with the overgeneralization but Im not at all joking about it being true about these bitches I work with. If they're 24 - and most of em are - they're whores LOL. Party girls. They drink too much at corporate functions and make out with coworkers they barely say two words to during the week. Just because its fun.

Okay. *shrugs* No judgment here.

But its really fucking annoying to watch a woman, even if you are 24, do the whole excessive giggling thing and pour yourself all over some guy with a girlfriend he's damn near married to, who is just gonna turn to me and tell me how ridiculous you are when you get up to go to the bathroom. And yes, I like you, but I cant tell him he shouldnt say such things about you because they are true. All of them. And I suspect its three times worse outside these walls.

One chick in particular wants a boyfriend soooooo bad. Its all she talks about but she doesnt have a clue that the reason she cant find one is because she's being stupid and playing herself at every turn. She's seeing a banker and a teacher. The banker is showing interest in wanting to spend time, meanwhile the teacher MIGHT text her once a week and which one is she worried about? Of course. The teacher. Then teacher's friend sends her a message about wanting to hang out and she's asking if she should go. More accurately, she's trying to justify the request as not being of ill intent. Dude, they're FRIENDS. Not just people who know each other, FRIENDS. Its not like he doesnt know you are seeing the guy. But let's say for shits and giggles that he isnt trying to play you like a skeezer. What does it say about you if you go "hang out" with his friend? If the teacher did really dig you, you'd be on the no-fly list after that because who does that? Yeah, continue to see other people until he gets his shit together but not his friends, dummy LOL. And stop friending all his friends on Facebook, WTF is WRONG with you??? LOL....smh. I have to wonder what you said or did to make this friend even think it was cool to come at you. I have to wonder what conversations those two had about you for him to think it was cool. My guess? Teacher boy is really not that into you. Im just saying.

Again, Im not judging the girl, Im simply pointing out the insanity of her thinking. Lord knows I've had my wild child days but shit, I wasnt looking for a boyfriend. If you want a boyfriend, think like a girlfriend. If you're having fun partying and slutting around, then by all means, knock yourself out. You're young, live life! Just know its not the means to the end you seek and dont be mad about the reputation you develop behind it. Dont come in to work mad that people are talking about you because guess what? They already are.

Back to Life

With some help from my crazy ass kids, a brand new pair of boots that I absolutely love, and a surprise [virtual] appearance from my ex, Im starting to feel a little more like myself. Know how I know? I feel like cooking LOL. Sounds silly, but I always feeling like experimenting in my kitchen when Im feeling better after a low period. Not just regular cooking, but making something like.... sauteed string beans or asparagus with shrimp and mushrooms LOL. Never even made that before but it sounds awesome right about now. All I need now is a travel deal with no holiday blackout dates and all will be right with the world.

I gained 7 pounds over Thanksgiving week, which Im not happy about, but that's what pigging out on crab stuffing and macaroni and cheese will get you. I own it LOL. We'll see what we can do about that over the next 29 days. I think I can knock out an even ten by New Years.

Three weeks left of work to pray through but Im feeling much better about my trip Upstate now that I dont have the party thing to worry about. Now I can concentrate on just enjoying the time there and catching up with some people I never seem to have enough time to see when I'm only there a couple of days. Im looking forward to spending some time with my girls too. I told one of them I'd actually go out with her. Yall know I dont even do that no more, but hey.... might as well live a little.

Well.... off to blow dry my baby's hair, aromify my kitchen (yes, aromify LOL) and hopefully find the motivation to start my paper. I hope everybody's having a wonderful weekend. I'll catch yall on the B side...

"Bloom where you're planted."

“Troubled little angel…. Inconsistent, flying high……. Most of the time…..”
-Chaka Khan

There’s been no shortage of things to talk about – people have died, awards shows have aired and we re’d up on the presidency, just to name a few. That doesn’t even take into consideration the smorgasbord of bullshit I encounter on the regular in my own daily life. But honestly, I really just haven’t been much in the mood to talk (or write, rather) about anything. The couple of times I did sit down and start to type out how I was feeling or what I was thinking, I’d go back, read it and end up deleting it. Some of the thoughts were all over the place and others were things that just needed to be done and not necessarily discussed.

I have had so many things on my mind the last couple of weeks I just didn’t know where to start. Then Chaka came on and… well…here I am.

I recently realized that I am once again trying to occupy two spaces, rendering myself unable to be whole in either one. Before it was an age thing – needing to embrace my getting older and leaving behind the activities and mindset of my younger self, allowing those whose time it was to have it. Now it’s a location thing. I am beginning to see that a big part of my inability to gel to life in Jersey is the fact that I haven’t completely stopped living the one in the Roc… only the Roc now seems to be the parents that moved my shit to the basement and turned my old room into an office.

In rare form, I talked with a friend about it and she passed on to me something that had been imparted on her years ago. “Bloom where you’re planted.”

Man... That hit home on so many levels. The simplest words always seem to have the greatest impact. I cried.

For starters, what I viewed as an effort to have my relocation have as little impact as possible on both myself and the people I was leaving behind turns out to really have just been an effort to stay relevant in a place I no longer am. That's really hard to admit to yourself, let alone say out loud. That’s not to say that I am not genuinely missed, but I’m not…..I don’t know… needed… I guess? I’m not sure if that’s the right word but it feels like the closest thing to right. Life there, as I would expect, has gone on without me, but it’s gone on in “change” which is hard to “fall in” to when you’re tethered to what was.

And after some thought, I’ve found that seemingly true in other spaces as well. Actually, it didn’t take much thought at all. I’ve always had difficulty letting go of things, people, spaces. Hell, I’m afraid to throw away mail I haven’t even opened, afraid that it might be something I need later. I still have business cards from three jobs ago, like I’ll one day have a need to impersonate a Frontier account manager….smh. That little discount at Enterprise is not that serious. I’ve had the same phone number since I first got a cell phone in 1999 and the same damn cell phone I’ve had since 2007. Who, but me, keeps a phone that long? Not many people, I’ll tell you that. And you know what else? I look around my house sometimes and it’s like I live in a really nice hotel. Most of the things I own that make a house a home are still packed up in the attic of my girlfriend’s house Upstate. Completely subconsciously, but it’s like as long as it’s there, I still have a foothold. Obsoletion is a striking blow to the ego, but a truth, nonetheless and I have never felt more than I do now, on an island – disconnected.

It’s funny – I started planning what would be my final birthday party Upstate and as I struggled with a guest list that didn’t consist of the usual cookout crew, I found that a lot of the people who no longer live there also no longer go back for holidays. In fact, many of them never go back. One friend in particular asked, “Why are you going all the way up there to have a party? It’s your birthday; shouldn’t people be coming to you?” He clearly didn’t understand the concept of how much easier it is for one person to make a trip than for 30 people to make one, but it did make me ask myself how many of those 30 would actually come? Maybe 5. The wind kinda left my sails and it made me wonder why it was so important for me to even have this party. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t even really want one. It’s just something I have always done. In retrospect, it’s also something I always think back on afterwards as an unappreciated waste of good money, even though it’s usually a pretty good time. I did it as much out of obligation as some people seemed to come year after year out of obligation. I can’t feel good about that. I guess I say all that to say the party is canceled. I am still going up to spend Christmas with my family, but I will bring in my birthday in the city in which I reside, in a conscious effort to begin the process of “blooming where I am planted.” A new year, a new beginning – for me and for those whose 2011 strides entitle them to celebrate it in whatever way they really want to. There. Dilemma conquered.

Now don’t let my rambling about this particular issue lead you to believe it’s been the only thing I’ve been mulling over, its just a fucken rabbit hole. I think it has been driving a lot of the other issues and the ones independent of it are things I don’t really want to get into. Like I said in the beginning, they just need to be dealt with, not discussed.

I think things will fall in line like they should if I just let them. I have lived the past two years as if Jersey is a place I am just passing through, and that may very well be, but it’s where I am NOW. I can’t keep being a visitor in my own life. I mean, before you know it, it’ll be over...

*sighhhhhh*

Kidney infections suck.

Its only the third one I have had in my life (I think) but once you've had a bad one, you know when you've got another. The first one I had put me in the hospital for 2 days and I swear I thought I wasnt gonna make it out of there. When its really bad (i.e. you have had it a while, untreated) it can give you flu-like symptoms (chills, body aches, fever) that escalate to pneumonia-like symptoms (kill me now LOL). Shit is no joke. Luckily I caught it before it got that far along this time. But its still not fun.

If you can imagine a beating heart, enlarged and throbbing, that's what my right kidney feels like right now. It is VERY uncomfortable. It's hard to even sit still, but my hope is that this medication will kick in soon. Im 2 pills deep into the 6 that the doctor prescribed for me and so far, it's only gotten more uncomfortable, but that's how it goes - worse before better. But the "better" better come soon, I got shit to do LOL.

Ah well. At least I know why my back went out.

*sighhhhhhh*

Always something....

That shit cray.

Just some stuff I came across at http://www.buzzfeed.com/discovery/10-of-the-weirdest-alcoholic-beverages-in-the-worl-70b3


Pizza Beer

"This culinary concoction was first devised by Tom and Athena Seefurth after they came across a surplus of tomatoes and garlic." I guess sauce was just too easy, huh?



Bacon vodka

"Bacon makes everything better." Not vodka.



Scorpion

"This single grain vodka is infused with nothing but the highest grade farm raised scorpions. What about the deadly venom you ask? Not to worry, the toxins are neutralized via a special process before being added to the vodka. The scorpions are edible too, if that's your thing." It's soooooooo not my thing LOL.



Snake wine

"Snake wine is predominantly found in Asia and is typically produced by infusing entire snakes into rice wine. The alcohol is believed to have medicinal properties that improve everything from hair loss to sexual virility." Now that looks cool as shit. I'd buy a couple bottles just to put on top of the bar..... but I aint really tryna drink it. In my mind, that snake is alive and just waiting for me to pop the top LOL.



Three Lizard Liquor

"To make this reptilian beverage, lizards (three to be precise), typically of the gecko-variety, are left to soak in rice liquor. The traditional eastern medicine theory states that this allows the lizard's energy to be absorbed by the alcohol and thus transferred to whoever drinks it." This shit, Im good on.



Squirrel beer

"Billed by BrewDog as the "strongest, most expensive and most shocking beer in the world," this $765/bottle brew is 55 percent alcohol and comes encased in a taxidermic squirrel repurposed from roadkill."

*staringintothecamera*

Oh HELL naw!!! LMAO!

Ranting

First let me again say thank you to those who checked in with me to make sure me and the midgets were good, both before and after the hurricane ordeal. Even for those who were just going through the motions, knowing it wasnt a damn thing they coulda did if I was hanging on to a lamp post, blowing in the winds, or had no real intention to LOL. I appreciate the thought.

That being said, going through the motions dont mean shit after the fact. If I get one more Facebook note talking about somebody "meant to check on me" or "was worried about me" from somebody who is not only tied to my Facebook but also has my phone number, I might have to snap. If you meant to, you've had nearly a week now to do it, so comments triggered by my random appearance on a thread 3 fucken days after the lights came back on should be passed upon. "Worry" dials numbers. Im just sayin. "Worry" led people I dont even fuck with no more to shoot me a text. So at this point, just keep the commentary to "glad yall okay" or some shit. Dont get all extra with all these supposed intentions. Matter of fact, if you aint said nothing about it by now, dont even bother. I aint mad - trust, I had other shit to worry about than who was or wasnt hollerin at me at the time, so it stands to reason that other people did too. Now that its over, just leave it where its at. If you're not a pivotal player on the court of my life, I probably dont even realize you never hit me up, so dont even draw my attention to it.

Sorry, but that kinda shit annoys the hell outta me. I dont like that faking and fronting shit....


*exhale*

[end rant]

Owww, damn!

All this shit with Sandy and I threw my back out this morning. WTF???

Its been coming for a few days now. I felt it. Got out the shower and went to reach for something on a shelf and it was a wrap. I literally couldnt move for 10 minutes. I felt like an idiot. I couldnt stand straight up, I couldnt take a step in either direction, I could barely breathe, the pain was so bad. I actually stood there and cried, trying to catch my breath. I havent thrown my back out in a couple of years - at least not like this - so I had forgotten how painful it was. Because its been so long, I had no meds, so I was resigned to ibuprofen and a heating pad, and it took me another ten minutes to even get into my bed. No bullshit.

The upside is I have the best kids ever. They waited on me hand and foot all day, making tea and soup and getting this and that, turning on the heat, turning off the heat, whatever I needed them to do. I was in good hands.

Luckily I dont have to go to work tomorrow, so I have another day to try to nurse it. I think I will be okay after that. I have a heap of shit I need to do this weekend so pray for some swift healing on my behalf and I will holla at yall on the flip side.

Appreciating obstacles

My son taught my daughter to draw today.

We taught him how to play skip-bo.

Neither of those things would have happened if we hadnt lost power and as anyone can see by watching the news coverage, things could have been a whole lot worse.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I even got a text last night AND today from somebody I had I pretty much sent to hell in my mind, checking to see if we were okay. I guess I was supposed to be touched that he thought about our safety. Maybe I was. A little.

But he can still kiss my ass. #howboutthat

Hurricane Update

Sandy didnt hit us much at all where I live. We got a lot of wind but the rain was pretty "rainy day" standard. Clearly we were lucky and other areas were hit much harder because we lost power due to flooding of some of our power company's central offices and substations. We were down since 8:15 last night and just came back up at 6pm. I spent all day trying not to use my phone unless it was absolutely necessary, having to charge it twice with my laptop. The lights coming on was like the Bulls winning game 7 back in the 90s! I aint never been so happy to see lights in my LIFE!

The building I work in is flooded, so no work tomorrow and the kids dont have school, so hooray for that too. This has been one of the most stressful days I've had in a while. All I wanna do is pour me a nice stiff drink and play words with friends on my phone until the break of dawn LOL

Good Lord!

Hurricane Sandy

Me and the midgets are okay. There were no evacuations where we live and my hope is that there wont be.

Transportation has been shut down so schools are closed and my office is as well. The biggest concern around here is whether the power will hold up. I hope it does cause chances are, my satellite TV wont and if I cant at least get online, Im liable to lose my mind LOL.

Thank you for the texts and emails of concern - I will keep you posted.

Need something to do?

Somebody asked to read something I wrote so I came in here looking for the excerpt I had posted from one of the books I was working on last year. I didnt remember when I posted it, but I remembered entitling it "Game" so I put that in the blog search. It pulled that post up along with about 20 other ones that had that word in it and since I wasnt doing anything else, I decided to read through them.

An hour later, I have spit coffee, choked myself into a coughing fit and laughed uncontrollably for minutes at a time.

So if you're bored, try that. Enter game in the blog search field and read through those and have a chuckle. Hey, enter some other word and see what that pulls up. Actually, I might just do that too.

P.S. Finally figured out that spacing thing! :)

What?

1 week, 3 dates, same guy. Each one better than the last. Whose life is this? LOL

Life's Simple Pleasures

I walked Broadway tonight with a dark chocolate man, about 6'3 with dimples and the body constructed of unicorn tears LOL.... and it was AMAZING. You see that shit in the movies and you be like.... I wanna do that. We've been friends at least 15 years... probably closer to 20... tonight's meet-up was really just two old friends reconnecting but dammit, I got my walk down Broadway, AND.... he wants to do it again. Im ALL about it.

Maybe.

I got a text today that said "I started my memoirs..... its about all the significant women I've had in my life" LOL I could only assume I was getting the text because I was going to be included, but I asked, just to be sure. "Yes," he said. It wasnt as if I didnt know he counted me among the significant, but it felt good to have it confirmed. At least I know that even when it doesnt work out, Im remembered. It got me thinking about the significant men I've had in my life. There's only a few, but they exist and each has taught me something different about life and about myself. I learned how easy it is to see what you wanna see. I learned how easy it is to lose yourself and how hard it can be to get "you" back. I learned how actual reality can be very different from MY reality. I learned that just because you give everything to a person doesnt mean they'll give everything in return. I learned that what you get is what you'll have, and how you start is how you'll finish. I learned that loving a person sometimes means letting them go love someone else. I learned that a man will do as much as you allow him to. I learned not to hold on to something in fear of there never being another. There will always be another. Most importantly, I learned that I should never love a person more than I love myself. These were all painful lessons, as they would be for anyone, but I am grateful to have learned them. I am still good friends with most of my "sigs" - a couple, I had to cleanse myself of completely. I dont like to sever relationships of any kind because I take them so personally and dont like my motives to be misunderstood, but I got a message today that said severing is not a reflection of how you feel about a person, but a reflection of how you feel about yourself. It's such a jewel. I have had the luxury of being in love several times. I've had probably three great loves when most would say you're only allowed one. I can't complain. I've been lucky. Maybe one day I'll write a memoir too of all the loves of my life. Or maybe one day I'll find the one that makes the rest unworthy of the ink. Maybe.

So how was your weekend?

If I told you how my weekend was, you probably wouldn’t believe me. Some of the shit that was said and done is just too much for TV, let alone real life, but I promise you – you cannot make this stuff up. VH1 would have paid a pretty penny for the footage….if there was any. I will say this: it started out as the best time I’ve had in quite a while. It went to shit when someone forgot one of Dig’s cardinal rules of social gatherings: if you can’t hold your liquor, learn to hold your tongue. Weeks…. Hell, MONTHS of groundwork blown to smithereens in a matter of hours, by the very one who laid it. The trouble with self-sabotage is that you never go down in flames by yourself. You always take at least one other person with you. The worst of these scenarios is public and without warning, but that is the true test of character; composure when no one would blame you for catching a case. The only thing worse than realizing you were wrong about a person is finding that you were right about them, and in all the worst ways, at the worst possible time. The blessing is in having discovered it early enough that the damage is minimal and more about your ego than your emotions. Shit happens. Charge it to the game and move on.

WTF??? LOL

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2009/05/13/dolphins_are_violent_predators_that_kill_their_own_babies.html


Please read this article. As awful as the things being said are, I couldnt help but laugh at the imagery. I mean.... they're dolphins LOL

*smh*

I hear theres some youtube videos on this too, Ima have to investigate. Shit, Im already knee deep in the madness, why stop now? LOL

Remembering 9/11

I totally lost my shit this morning.

I come through World Trade every day and never really stop to think. It’s partly intentional.

I didn’t even realize today was the anniversary of 9/11 until I got off the train and saw the usual unnecessary number of police and military had almost tripled and there were news crews everywhere. The 9/11 memorial ceremony. I got to the corner, where the traffic guards were pulling the chain to stop foot traffic from crossing and instinctively, I turned around and looked at the Freedom Tower, not yet finished. My eyes drifted automatically to the space around it….. the fenced-in blankness below it….. and I lost it. I didn’t meant to. But I did. Just for a moment.

The traffic guards held us just long enough for me to get my life together, and by the time we were allowed to cross the street, I was okay again. Half a block up, while I was trying not to stare at this FINE secret service agent outside one of the barricades (LOL) I passed Rudy Giuliani. I had never seen him in person and he was literally an arm’s length away from me. It made me smile in really random fashion.

Tomorrow things will go back to normal and I will once again walk through World Trade not acknowldeging the ghosts of a time passed. But today.... I remember.

Read All About It

EXHAUSTED!

I had the most awesome weekend with the midgets, but I am exhausted! And if I told yall how much money we spent this weekend - hell, in Walmart alone - you would need stop everything you were doing to slap the shit outta me LOL. Seriously. Its that bad LOL.

But Im cool cause its been a long time since we could ball out like we did this weekend. As long as they are happy, Im happy.

There was a slight disruption in the time-space continuum I guess - being asked about some non-existent issue I supposedly have with someone, but that's what happens when people read shit I say in here and arent used to my.... colorful language LOL. Its all good. I love everybody. Even when they dont love me. Fuck it LOL.

My upstate folks, I'll be in the building in a couple weeks. Weekends go fast, so no hard feelings if I dont get around to you, but I'll catch you on the next trip.

I hope yall had a good weekend. If not, well.... try harder next week LOL.

#deuces

Before and After

This was me a year ago. Hell, this was probably me 6 months ago LOL

And this was me on Friday.

I posted the second pic on Friday evening to shut down some requests for new pics I was getting (outside of stuff I've been tagged in, I havent really posted any pics of myself in over a year) and I got messages from at least 3 people, including a guy I worked with a year ago who is obsessed with his own weight, asking me what I did. The truth of the matter is, I really dont know LOL. Well I do, I guess, but really, its just common sense. Eat less, move more.

Yall know I tried Weight Watchers for a minute a little over a year ago. That shit helped me lose all of about 5 pounds LOL. But it did give me some insight as to how bad certain things were for me that I didnt realize were as bad as they were, and it also showed me that while I was often eating only once a day, I was eating way too much in that one sitting. So it didnt work for me at all while I was paying for the shit (*RME*) but after I stopped it, the mindset it created in me stuck around. Honestly, I've only been consciously working on this for like 3 months or so.

I dont believe in diets. If you know anything about me, you know Ima eat whatever the fuck I want LOL. Now I just eat less of it at one time. After you eat smaller portions for a little while, you will find yourself not ABLE to stuff yourself like you used to. I have to add a caveat though: I dont eat red meat, Im not that big on sweets and I dont drink soda, which are all big pitfalls, so you have to take that into consideration. I'd suggest cutting back on those if you're a junkie. You also should realize that just because your stomach growls, it doesnt mean you are hungry. Sometimes its just gas or other food still processing. When you're hungry, you'll know, and just eat enough to not be hungry anymore. Be careful eating out - I LOVE Red Lobster LOL. Its great for you wallet when they give you a ton of food but the truth of the matter is, nobody should eat that much at once. When you find yourself bringing home a doggy bag, you're making progress.

I also dont believe in working out LOL. Well.... its not that I dont believe in it, Im just lazy and gym memberships will wind up donations to the facility because I'll never go. Run? Shiiiiit, I aint runnin NOWHERE. TRUST LOL. But I did make a conscious decision to walk places I didnt absolutely have to take the train to, which essentially amounts to anywhere within about 10 blocks, so long as I could still get where I was going on time. The upside to NYC is that everybody walks like they've got somewhere to be. Nobody really does any leisurely strolling, so Im usually not just walking, Im WALKING. That's honestly about as much exercise as I get.

I even still drink - in moderation also, but I drink. Pretty regularly too - dont judge me LOL. I just stick to my old faithful, bacardi and cranberry juice, which is inherently pretty good for you and cleanses your system..... the cranberry juice, not the bacardi LOL. Dont drink that dark though and think you gonna lose weight. Aint gon happen. Not too much wine either.

So I guess all I can really tell those who have asked is.... its really just common sense. Eat enough to not be hungry. Dont eat to be full. And walk instead of driving or riding to places you dont really have to. Its not gonna happen as fast as if you were working out and maybe dieting, but if youre patient and focused more on being healthy than losing weight, it'll happen serendipitously.

And lastly, it sounds silly, but enjoy life. Laugh as much as you can even when its all you can do not to cry and try not to stress. It really does make a big difference.

Hey, Im no weight loss guru. I admit, I really didnt have much of a plan here, these are just all the things I FOUND myself doing but from photo 1 to photo 2 in just a few months isn't bad, if I do say so myself.

Have at it.

Just to see

When I woke up this morning, there was about an inch left of the black and mild I was smoking last night. I went ahead and had it with my coffee, fully expecting to pick up another one when I went to the store later, but somewhere during the course of the day, I decided not to. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to say I started my quitting journey today – in fact, smart money says I’ll be firing one up by noon – but if you’ve ever been a smoker who was trying to quit, you know going a whole day is kind of a big deal. I just wanted to see if I could. Well, I knew I COULD, but I wanted to see how hard it would be with no preparation. It definitely wasn’t cake, but it coulda been a whole lot worse.

The thing about impromptu habit interruptions is that they make you super raw. It’s like you are trying so hard to ignore that nagging urge, that for a few hours, all your senses are heightened and you turn into the dude from Limitless LOL. I made decisions on shit today that I didn’t even know I was trying to figure out LOL…. But that functioning at a high level is short-lived. Once you’ve passed that stage, you get clumsy, agitated and slightly discombobulated – or at least, I do. For me that’s about 3 days in, so I was alright, but I could damn sure jump out a window right now tho. This tea better kick in quick. My nerves bout to be bad LOL.

LOL....smh

*Message*

The illest stat I didnt write I've seen all day LOL

(shout out to G.H.)

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the FIRST brick in the house you are building of Love & Trust. If He or She cant lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never going to have a house, baby. And it's cold outside ......"



I could add and elaborate and all that, but if it aint broke.....

I eat, and you shit? What? LOL

Periodically I have to make a disclaimer reminding people that this is a free country. Being so, I am no more required to write shit that makes you happy than you are to come in here and read it. The commitment set forth at the inception of this blog was that I would be honest about my take on life and the world and that nobody - NOBODY - is exempt from being a topic of discussion. I dont call names for 3 reasons - 1, it preserves your right to denial LOL 2, if somebody reading it knows you, they dont have to feel bad for laughing, and 3, it honestly is not my intent to drag anybody through the mud. Ok so it doesnt work as well if I say "my mother" or something like that but hey, I cant really help that. My point is just because I curse you out on here, even if I rip you to shreds, it doesnt mean I dont still love you LOL. It was just my feelings at the time. If I waited til all my temporary emotions subsided to write about something, you wouldnt wanna read the shit LOL. It would be boring and preachy and all the shit your pastor and your grandmother would say and yall dont come in here for that LOL. At the end of the day, my friends are still my friends, my family is still my family, and even if I talk about you like a dog in this room, Im still gonna love you when I come out. So dont take it personal. I just sometimes have to say out loud to somebody that you be trippin LOL. And I feel like this is the most constructive place to do it. I mean, lets not pretend you dont have some colorful things to say about me too when Im not around LOL. The difference is, you have the luxury of denying it. Mine is out here for all - including you - to see, so there will never be any question about what I said, and I wouldnt have it any other way.

Anyway, I say that to say, people, as I sometimes have to, this is my sanity space. It keeps me from sniping off rooftops, and sometimes jumping off of one. It allows me to laugh at myself - and you LOL. Its also the one place I allow myself to be vulnerable and jealous and insecure and evil and immature and selfish and all the other things I typically am not. When I wanna wild out, I do it in here. When I feel like I wanna scream, I do it in here. When I wanna cry like a little bitch, I do it in here LOL. This is where you should be IF your objective is to get to know me. You could take what you read here and try to use it against me.... I guess LOL. But um..... this is an open forum. I dont have to approve readership. Anybody in the whole wide world can come in here at anytime and read everything I've ever posted - clearly Im not afraid of what YOU might do with this information LOL. Its a blog, dude. Do you have any idea how many blogs there are on Blogspot alone? Nobody gives a shit about what I got to say - even yall come in here just to laugh at my pain LOL. But as I opened with, this is a free country. If you dont like something I said here, stop reading, but its not gonna stop me from writing. This blog aint about how YOU feel LOL. Start your own shit and write about how much I make you sick. It's okay, I wont even be mad at you. As long as that's the truth, I cant do nothing but respect it.

If you cant tell by now, somebody got their panties in a bunch about something I said. This is me not caring.

You're WHO now?

Woo, Lord, I almost had to snap on this bitch today LOL.

I know its probably sooooo not that serious, but certain shit I take REAL personal.

Im still getting my feet wet on the job, right? Well most deals take 2 calls to close - the initial information exchange and then the follow up call, which my manager typically makes. She happened to be out today, so her nemesis made a callback for me. I was perfectly fine with that... until she said she was me.

First of all, if you know me personally, you know I have a somewhat unique voice. Nobody is gonna call you and say they are me and not raise your eyebrow. I only spoke to this guy once, but he commented about my voice when we spoke - a conversation she was party to - so WHY would you call and say you are me?

Second of all, YOUR phone voice is fucking annoying. I LITERALLY wanna pull my own hair out strand by strand when you speak, just in hopes that the pain would overtake the sound of your fucking voice. Not to mention that "um" thing you do every 8 words that no real professional respects.... dont you ever in your life call somebody, pretending to be me!

She blew the deal and frankly, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that she said she was me when Im sure he knew she wasnt. I wouldnt sign on either, shoot, if you tryna pull a bait and switch on me now, I can imagine what my subsequent experience with yall might be. But like I said before, she thinks she is Queen of all things Platinum (exec ranking) so you cant tell her nothing. She is selling herself the dream that he was on that bullshit from the beginning and was never going to sign on. Guess we'll never know now, but I bet she'll never call somebody as me again either, cause I damn sure let her know that I did not appreciate it. I cant even explain to you how hot it got me that she did that. I wouldnt have even cared about the guy blowing out - it happens - but why couldnt you have done like my actual manager would have done and said you were following up for me because I was out today or in a meeting? You, ma'am, will never call another customer saying you are me.

And now she feels like shit because our director came to me today and said Im so good wit mine, she wants me to close my own deals. Thats what Im talkin about. These bitches wasnt ready for me but they better get ready, cause I aint takin no prisoners....

Just thought I'd share

(via email fwd)

When God wants to bless you, He sends a person in your life.
When the devil wants to destroy you, he sends a person in your life.
How can we tell the difference? By knowing your people connections.
Your success depends on the quality of people you are connected to,
and there are two types of people you'll come in contact with throughout your lifetime:

1) Those who add and multiply, making you more than you are; 2) And those who subtract and divide, thereby devaluing you.

Never allow people into your life without knowing their agenda.
Find out where they came from and why they want to be connected to you.
When a person is in your life and your life is declining, they are not a God connection!
A healthy connection will protect your self-worth even when you're experiencing a season of pain
or struggling with a failure in your life.

A true God connection will never abandon his assignment until you reach your full potential! Stay Blessed & have an Awesome God inspiring rest of the year.
Father in the name of Jesus Christ the Son of the Living God, I pray you open doors for the person who sent me this as well as those I am sending it to. Only you can open doors no man can close and for that we honour you today.

Thank you for the open doors of life, health, strength, prosperity, wealth, and love. Also, thank you for closing the doors of death, sickness, weakness, despair, poverty, and bitterness. We love you today Lord and give you all the glory and all the praise. I seal this prayer in Jesus 'name, Amen!!!

Remembering Zo

The first real loss I suffered in what I considered "my own camp" and the only one I consciously commemorate in some way every year. I imagine ALL those that knew you remember this day 11 years ago. Most stories sound the same - "I thought it was a joke." So did I..... the most unfunny joke humanly possible in the history of unfunny jokes. But laughing was what you did - a lot LOL. So the best way any of us could honor you is to keep the smiles going. I've been trying to do my part, so while you're up there, make sure you do yours :)

P.S. I know we have unfinished business. Dont worry, I'll be back.

Chile, BYE!

People just make me so tired LOL.

First of all....

You ever hear somebody say some shit like "I hate when people say I look like _______" and in your mind you're like "bitch, who says that shit?" LOL. I saw a stat this morning from this chick, complaining about people always saying she looks like or is built like Serena Williams LOL. What? a) you dont look nothing like no damn Serena Williams, except maybe round about the elbows, and b) BUILT like her? If you dont get the fuck outta here! Sweetie follow me............this here is the Prudential Center. See all these seats? Why dont you go ahead and have ALL of them LOL. I swear black people make me sick LOL.

And white people make me sick too LOL. Matter of fact, I gotta throw the asians in there too cause the bullshit they ran on me today LOL. We all heard the yelling when it started but nobody knew what it was and nobody went to see, but 2 minutes later, here comes the cute little white girl flying across the room, face red, fingers frantically running through her hair (thats how you know something is wrong with white people, they frantically run their fingers through their hair LOL).

"She punched me in the face!" LOL What? LOL

Everybody looked at the door like " 'she' who?" cause nobody came in behind her but she started mumbling so it took the next 3 hours to piece together that the cute little white girl got punched in the face by the cute little asian girl cause both of them were blowing the same cute little white boy LOL. These bitches get suspended for the rest of the week, without pay, and meanwhile, this muthafucka's a rock star LOL. "Meet the guy wit two bitches....... Now he got ALL the bitches" LMAO! But wait, the cute little asian girl was already back in the joint when the cute little white girl ran in crying, so you mean to tell me the bitch punched you in the face and then left you in the hallway??? LMAOOOOOOOOOO!

#icant

And today is the big boss's birthday so now that we've had a random assortment of mini cupcakes from Crumbs, we also shuttin down at 4:30 to go back to the bar. Ima need a note from my doctor or something LOL. I like a good drink as much as the next person but this is just ri-dam-diculous.

Someone please call 911 LOL.

It be like that sometimes

I got bored.


I took a picture.....

...... and just like that, um................

I wasnt bored anymore LOL.

Self-check on deck

So.....

I didnt blog about it because..... well..... honestly, it just wasnt very high on the list of things I wanted to discuss.... but I have officially ended my year-and-a-half-long run with my boyfriend. As I mentioned before, it was over in my mind a couple of months ago, but we hadnt spoken about it until a couple of weeks ago. It should be said that I still love him dearly, and I'm not adverse to revisiting the situation at a later date, but for now, its the best thing for the both of us and I am content with the decision.

That being said, I spent the last hour or so thinking about what's next for me. Do I officially proclaim myself back on the market or do I just sit still for a while and ponder this thing called life? I think I've settled on the latter.

For a minute today I had almost convinced myself that maybe I dont really know how to be in a relationship anymore, after having so much bullshit occur in the minisodes I used to give that title, but in hindsight, I dont think that's it at all. I may not have always made the best CHOICES in who I gave chances to, not wanting to prejudge a person based solely on how they look on paper, but at the end of the day, I've always done the things I was supposed to do, whether or not they were appreciated or equally reciprocated. In speaking to one of my exes earlier this week, if anything, that may have been part of the problem. He told me I gave him too much rope - something I have said myself on more than one occasion on this blog - and while I always kinda attributed that to just not being one for unnecessary drama, not bitching about things I perceived to be trivial might have set the stage for the further fuckery I eventually endured. I dont think I will ever be a nagger or drama queen, but I do think in the future, I will stop the bus and berate the students much quicker. Understanding is highly overrated.

For now, I think I am going to continue focusing on being the best me I can be and when the time comes for me to whip out the checklist, I will only entertain opportunities that dont leave me with a bunch of unchecked boxes. A man that meets all my criteria could still bump his head in the end, but at least I wont look back on it frustrated in a knowledge that it never really had a shot in hell to begin with.

So score one more for life..... but I'm coming.

And in this corner.....

I knew I forgot something.

So I told yall I really aint feelin my manager like that. Its become clear over the last day or two that I am not the only one.

There is one chick on our team who seems to be really cool with her. She is the only one she really speaks socially with. I thought the whole team seemed to have a positive relationship with her, but over the last couple of days, I am starting to see that there is a little bit of underlying "bitch, bye!" in the building LOL.

She was out on Friday. I think that played a huge part in the pleasantness of the atmosphere. We laughed, had a good ole time, but we also got work done. At one point, one of the guys asked me what I thought about the job so far. I told him I dug it but that I get frustrated with the contradictions. Several people have done trainings for me and the other couple of new folks, but every time, my manager contradicts what we were told, so its like.... do I do it like so-and-so told me to do it or do I listen to my manager? Everyone nodded and kinda fell silent - you know that pregnant pause that tells you the next words need to be carefully phrased LOL. They all pretty much said to listen to my manager. She has been successful, but it sounded more like they were saying to do it for my own good. I only picked that up because earlier this week we bumped heads a little bit and she went and told the HR lady who hired me, which led to the HR lady puling me into a conference room to see "what was wrong." I gotta say I was tight that she felt like she needed to go to her about such a small thing as it was, but I let it go and took it as a footnote. Clearly this is gonna be one of those smile-and-nod situations, at least for a while. Whether I agree or not, just say "ok" and keep it moving. I think the rest of the team is on the same wavelength. They said everyone has their own style but until I learn the lay, just do it how she wants me to do it so there aint no problems. Cool.

So the other day I said there is one chick on my team I dont really fuck with right? Well when you are new on the job and still learning how to counter certain objections, anytime you get a fish on the hook, your manager or another senior member of the team jumps on the back end of your call and cues you responses. This chick and I are on the same project, so she jumped on my call Friday and led me through it. As much as she was giving me props, she was also feeling herself a little bit, muttering little stuff under her breath about being the shit and what not LOL and commenting about how she had her own team before and how they were always #1. I thought it was funny how agitated she seemed but didnt quite put two and two together yet. Then she was like "wait, I led you through the call you had the other day too, right? Both calls?" I said yes and she went back to popping her collar. Then I thought about the call earlier in the week; she was leading me and my manager cut in and took over, I guess not feeling like she was telling me right, or at least not saying what SHE would say. Girlfriend told me later that when she is leading me, just disregard the pitch I was given because hers and my manager's are totally different. She must have felt some kinda way about being bumped and that's where all this was coming from.

So like I said, everybody went to the bar - everybody except this girl, who stayed behind to construct "the perfect email" to send to the guy I spoke to, despite my insistence that I could do it myself. She insisted her emails "are the shit" so I was like whatever, knock yourself out LOL. Her boyfriend came over to see if she was going to the bar and she said she would come in a little while but for him to take me over there with him. So he and I went to the bar, getting to know each other along the way, and we started talking about the team. He made some comment that prompted me to say that girlfriend and the manager seem to bump heads. He said "Megan bumps heads with a lot of people" LOL. Then he went on to tell me that she used to be the equivalent of my manager's manager over in Asia and previously had had her own team for a couple of years, but when she came back to the US, she was made to start over. Now I dont know if she had left the company and came back in or if that's just protocol - I didnt ask - but it suddenly became real clear what was going on.

Both this chick and my manager have exactly the same cocky personality and neither likes to be questioned or challenged. That's how me and the manager bumped heads that day (I might be new HERE, but I'm seasoned too, bitch LOL) and its the reason those two are oil and water. Girlfriend doesnt respect the manager's flow and the manager knows it, which is why very few words pass between them. I guess my manager is like do whatever you wanna do but this is MY new team member and you will not step on my toes. Its gonna be interesting to see how she reacts tomorrow when she finds out Megan played a role in my deal, because I imagine Megan is gonna be pushing the passive-aggressive button like she's stuck in an elevator LOL. I imagine she's gonna ask me to forward her the email Megan sent for me and whip out her red pen, crossing out shit she'd never have said, for future reference, and I'll become the rag doll torn between two selfish little kids who dont wanna play with each other anymore.

Man, I aint even here for that LOL. But still, it'll be interesting.

I LOVE THIS JOB!

Today was kinda awesome.

It was casual friday, I got my homie an interview and he ROCKED it (per the HR chick), and I booked my first big wig exec. Word on the street is that people normally dont get their first booking until a month or so on the job, so I was kind of a celebrity for a minute there LOL. Boss called the day over at 4:30 and everybody headed to a local bar. A while later, Boss came in and laid a $400 tab on the bar. WHAT??? I LOVE THIS JOB! LOL

The Jizzy.

So I didnt get back in here to talk any more about the job over the weekend, but that was because I didnt really have a ton to say.

My manager is a BITCH in serious need of a leave of absence to deal with whatever personal shit keeps her on the phone six hours out of the day,

... the actual job would be pretty easy if everybody stopped contradicting each other in telling me how to do it,

... and if I could just stop playing Words with Friends all damn night, I might be able to get up early enough to not have to run out the door every morning, trying not to be late.

The main thing Im not digging about it is the way everything is so heavily micromanaged. Everyone takes their morming and afternoon 15-minute breaks at the same time and you better not look like you gonna try to stretch it to 16. Everyone also takes lunch at noon and the same rule applies. I feel like Im punching a clock, even though Im not. On top of that, my manager sits right next to me (imagine you and your team sitting at an oversized, counter-height dinner table: Im in the left corner, with her adjacent to me, at the head of the table). So if I touch my cell for any reason, type an email or do anything that doesnt consist of short strokes and phone calls, she's right on top of me to see it. Not a huge deal, because everyone has to do SOME of that at some point, but she has a tendency to comment on every damn thing. She went on a soapbox today about how she doesnt hear anyone on the phone and Im like bitch, Im on hold! Re-fucken-lax! LOL

The team is pretty cool though, with the exception of one chick I just rebuke, and my new work buddy looks like George Clooney. I'll take it LOL.

I thought a little about it today and tried not to get too irritated at all the structure. I think it's quite possible that I've just been spoiled by all my previous gigs - you know, with all the flexibility and freedom. Plenty of other people have probably worked in environments like that their whole careers. Its just gonna take some adjusting. I mean, I guess having casual Fridays, 2 weeks off for Christmas and a raise around that same time is enough of a tradeoff for me to at least TRY LOL. Shit.

I have had a couple other things on my mind this weekend, but I have a paper to write, so I guess it'll have to hold. I aint quite worked em all out anyway, but I'll get around to it.

Yall be cool.

I Should Be Sleeping

Totally not a night hawk, but here it is, something to 2 in the morning, and I'm up.

Thinking.

About love.

WTF?

I think God is up to his tricks again.

Just please, Lord, no more trains....

All this time down here wearing flats, I cant walk in heels anymore. What kinda mess is this? They still look cute, and they feel fine on. I can even stand and profile for a minute or two. But let me try to walk somewhere LOL. You see the pic, these aint even that high - well, I guess 3 and a half inches aint exactly for the faint of heart - but the point is, I never had a problem with them before. Its like my legs cant reach the floor unless I take itty bitty steps. I got long legs, I dont take no itty bitty steps LOL. They dont hurt (thank God!) I just feel like an idiot trying to walk in them, and while I do have my F2's in the bag, F2's are frowned upon in the office. So I guess I have to just sit my ass down til its time to go home.

*sighhhh*

Wall St, Day One

First day at the new gig and so far, so good.

I didnt realize I never told that many people I got a new job... or that I had even lost the last one.... until I saw the crazy response to my FB thread this morning. I guess I operate as if everybody in the world reads my blog LOL. They should LOL.

There's only one thing I dont like so far.... ok, well.... two...

I'm coming in with two other guys, both of which represent the worst of coworkers I had recently - the one guy who talks too fucken much and decides he's not gonna do what he's been told to do the way he's been told to do it because he doesnt think its better than his way lol..... and the young buck who has had like one job in his life, but has an answer for everything, even though he dont know shit LOL. Luckily, we are only starting together and not working together. We'll all be on different teams and projects. Thank the Lord.

The other thing - their coffee situation SUCKS! They have a Flavia machine, but why I gotta pay 75 cents for a dixie cup of coffee? LOL And why are the sugar packets rock hard, and there's no creamer? Cause nobody drinks this shit, thats why LOL. No wonder I came in here Friday and everybody was toting around their Starbuck's and Dunkins. Shame on them LOL.

The best thing about the office is that at least 20% of my co-workers have accents of some kind. That number is based solely on the number of people I have actually had the chance to speak to or hear speak, so there are a good number of them unaccounted for. The British ones are awesome. I could listen to them all day.

Thus far, I think the tasks are doable. Of course, things always seem easy before you actually have to do them, but I think the hardest part will be getting through to the C-level execs I have to book. You know those admins have on they Wonder Woman bangles, blocking errrthang like PING! PING! LOL But I'm not concerned.

To get to the office, I have to take the PATH to WTC. This morning was the first time I had really been up close and personal with the Freedom Tower, currently in progress. I didnt have time to stop and look around, but I'm pretty sure I walked right past the 9/11 memorial at some point and just didnt know it. On another note, I have to say I have never seen that many damn people in commute. Im talking about droves and droves of people coming up outta there this morning and at least 3x that this evening, with all the tourists. Item 1: find a way to maneuver through that madness with a little more finesse. The commute is short and sweet so I dont wanna mess with the route but that shit drove me crazy.

All in all, not a bad day, except I was starving when I came home. I cant wait to [hopefully] get groceries this weekend cause that little turkey sandwich I took with me for lunch aint do nothing but make me mad. And now at a time when I should be trying to do some more of this prep work I brought home, I have a paper to write. Ah well, Im training all week so I will have a lot of time to do it at the office.

So far so good. I dont think I will blog about the office again until the end of the week unless something noteworthy happens, but I knew if I didnt say something about it today, my phone wouldnt stop ringing and I would never get this paper done. So there you have it. Wall St, day one. Enjoy your night, folks.

Shenanigans!

Ima get to the job stuff in a minute but first, lets talk about this fool I met yesterday LOL

Lord be a fence.....

I told yall I met this guy on the train yesterday. He was texting me the second I left his sight and continued to do so, on and off, for the rest of the day. I thought it was kinda cool, you know? He's really interested.

So he gives me some time to get my homework out the way last night and then he calls. A lot of "getting to know you" stuff, you know the shit you ask when you just meet a person.... but his relationship questions are like.... hardbody LOL. Like.... he's serious LOL. He's like be there for him, give him what he needs and he'll take care of everything. Cool, I can dig that. I came out of that conversation with the understanding that he wants us to focus exclusively on us. Aight, I can dig that too. Less drama that way anyway LOL.... (I hate myself right now, that is soooooo not the point LOL).

Anyway, we agree to see each other tonight. We're texting today and Im like "so whats the plan?" (He's confused) "The plan. You know, what are we doing, where are we going.... the plan." (He's still confused. He thought he told me last night) "Ok then refresh me because Im pretty sure we didnt cover that." This fool gon say to me that I need to do whatever he needs me to do LOL.

*record scratch*

Im sorry, what? LOL

Now the texts are slowing down by this point because now I have to pause in between responses to react to the bullshit he's saying to me. You know these infamous facial expressions of mine sometimes take a second to match up with the thoughts in my head at this level of fuckery LOL.

I just met this guy, but he's cool. Likeable. Maybe we're just having some kind of miscommunication, so I say just that: "I think maybe there's been some kind of miscommunication. I dont think we're on the same page." Clearly he thought I was UNCLEAR and asking for clarification, which came in the form of "I need all that good loven. And you dont have to pay no bills."

I swear on everything. Im looking at the text right now, those were his exact words LMAO! Fuck is wrong with this ni..... *sighhhhhhhhhh*

I "What? LOL" because clearly he couldnt be serious. Ohhhhhhhh but he was LOL. He had the nerve to repeat what he said and then follow it up with "I need you to send me a list of everything." Oh nigga, now Im a whore with homework? Where they do that at? LMAO!

I couldnt muster enough of anything inside me to actually become angry. In fact, I found it quite amusing how wrong the tree was he was barking up, so much so that I actually was nice in my replies. I mighta been too nice - I dont think he realized I was saying "you know you just fucked up right?" LOL But here's the kicker... Im checking for confirmation every time he says something to make sure Im clear on the fact that he's asking me to be his personal prostitute and he confirms each step of the way and did not see why Houston was having a problem. I said "Sweetie, if youre looking for somebody who would be good with that arrangement, Im sorry to tell you you stopped the wrong woman on that train." This nigga goes "See, I knew you was going to take it the wrong way."

*staring into the camera*

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This cant be life. Where are the cameras? I cant take it anymore.

For real though? #Comeonson!

I had to end the conversation. It was starting to make me stupid. I felt brain cells dying LOL.

The crazy part now is thinking back to our conversation last night and applying this new information to the ideas I thought meant something else. He was having a completely different conversation than I was LOL.

He called while I was in the other room, so I missed it, and Im glad. Now is not the time to talk to him, if I ever do again. I dont know, maybe he's actually had "relationships" like that. Do people do that, like in real life? LOL I guess they do, my girl said they do. *shrugs* In retrospect, a lotta bitches is fuckin for free so...... a little change in perspective and...... fuck that shit, this nigga crazy LOL.

I got bout 20 more minutes of laughing on the inside, but before I continue to do so............. the job I mentioned a buncha blogs back is the one I was offered today. Notwithstanding the fact that in 6 months I could be singing a whole new tune (lol), right now, it sounds perfect. The earning potential is BANANAS! So my intent is to hit the ground running so I can start peeling that shit ASAP. I always wanted to work on Wall St. Now I can actually cross that off my list. Wow. And a week ago I didnt even have a job. I guess God decided I needed a week off to get my mind right.

But now Im curious why I really got off that train yesterday..... LOL

*shrugs*

Ah well.

Lighters in the air.....

Guess who's workin on Wall Street.

Yup.

Thats all me.

I'll be back. I got babies to kiss LOL.

Shit!

I almost shit on myself today and I dont fucken appreciate it LOL.

Well I didnt appreciate it.... until I realized it was the only way to create a big enough sense of urgency to get me off the train at the stop I needed to get off at to cross paths with somebody the universe apparently wanted me to meet. For what? I dont know. But as my girl said to me when I told her the story, good, bad, it doesnt matter. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Temporary, permanent, to teach you a life lesson, or one about yourself.... its all necessary.

If I wasnt bout to shit on myself, I woulda rode the train all the way home the first time. I wouldnt have gotten off 5 stops early, gone into the Japanese bar and grill I used the bathroom and paid $2.70 for a fucken ginger ale in (*RME*), and I wouldnt have been back in the station at the same time he was, preparing to board the same train.

Now dude might not have been the reason I was made to get off that train, but he's the only thing in the events that followed that makes sense. I guess time will tell.

Time be tellin, dont it? LOL

I mean you never really think about a person's purpose in your life until they're no longer in it, for whatever reason. Your decision, their decision, its not until they're gone that you think about it. For those people who you cant seem to find a purpose for knowing, the purpose is most likely yours and not theirs. I mean when someone comes into your life, you also come into theirs, so it could be you having the impact on them, rather than the other way around.

Anyway, just another little lesson in perspective. If Dig found a way to not be mad she was almost a walking shit stain, then you can find a way to not be mad about your bullshit too LOL.

I's Free!

So I lost my job yesterday, and you know what? I'm fine.

Yeah, I have some things to figure out - the bills wont stop coming and I have kids to feed - but yesterday was the first time in a long time that I felt like I could breathe. It has been so stressful this last month, just being in that office, I felt like I was physically sick a lotta days. I had a panic attack earlier this week, my back has been bothering me for at least two and the headaches have been unstoppable. But yesterday, I felt like a load had been lifted and I was almost grateful it was over.

The shitty part about the timing of it all is that commission payouts are disbursed next pay period, and because I am officially no longer employed there as of today, I wont get mine. Fucked up right? That was the thing that pissed me off. But the second I left there, things started to happen.

On my way home, I went to see one of my clients that I had developed a good relationship with and he made a call to the president of another company to get me an interview for Monday. After I got home, I was contacted by two other places about interviews, and I am typing this blog on a brand new laptop someone bought for me, just because they didnt want me to be without one (thank you). I have been in this place before so I know some days are better than others, but blessings are pouring all around me. How could I not be okay? But if you do wanna help, donations can be made to...... LOL

Anyway, just updating my status. My house needs some attention and before I give it, I need some coffee.... so I am off to the kitchen. Make it a great day folks. I sure plan to.

Men are interesting

"I know you lost your virginity a long time ago, I just want the box it came in."

"Yeah, I'm married, but that dont mean I cant still treat you like a queen. I want to set the bar high enough so that the next man to reach it actually deserves the chance to give you what I cant."

"I will fly you down here, taste you, and send you home wondering what the dick is like. But dont worry, I'll text you a picture of it when you get home."

#dead

I need to cancel my internet service LOL.