Digfiles: Episode... I Don't Even Know, Dawg

 

Chile, I thought I was gon die last night.  

I was supposed to meet up with a couple of old work friends I haven't seen since before the pandemic, but one of them bailed at the very last second.  The other, quite frankly, isn't compelling enough on their own to get me out of the house, so that cancellation meant rescheduling for some other time.  

I work from home still, though.  I don't put real clothes on, but because of these plans, I had on a full fit, eyes were lined, lip gloss was poppin.....  oh, somebody gon see me tuh-day!

Simultaneously, I was dealing with a delayed order of my hemp chocolates, which have replaced alcohol as my sleep-aid, when needed.  For reasons unknown, it took extra long for them to even send the order out so I hadn't gotten it when expected.  No problem - I'm hanging out tonight, might have a drink or two; I'll def be able to go to sleep when I get home.  Then it got canceled, so now I'm in a bind because I don't really drink like that at home anymore and if I did, I had a feeling it was gonna go bad.  I had been back and forth on Marco Polo, clowning with my girls for the last hour.  It might as well have been a virtual girls' night.  I talk, sip and pour at girls' night until I've forgotten how much I have talked, sipped and poured.  I'd rather not.

So I was contemplating a trip to the smoke shop I frequent but really didn't feel like walking that far.  I decided to go to Walgreen's to pick up my prescription and potentially stop to grab something for lunch today to save me 3x the charges having it delivered.  I made both stops and headed home, suddenly remembering a new smoke shop had opened up right next to my nail salon.  They didn't have chocolates when they first opened, but it's been a couple of months, so I figured I'd check.

I was in luck!

The one guy who wasn't helping the 6 or so other people in there came to assist me.  At that time, all I could see were gummies, which I'm not a huge fan of, so I asked if that was all they had.  I don't know how I missed the entire cooler with the baked goods in it, but clear as day, there were cookies, brownies, some other shit I wasn't fucking with, and I asked him for chocolates.  He showed me what he had in chocolates - some of those, also weird - and none were what I usually get from the other place.  I chose the most regular-looking chocolate I could find that was also small - my order was coming in today, so I only had to worry about last night.

I see 225mg on the wrapper.  Cool, that sounds just about right - the big square is likely made up of little squares to divvy out the dosage.  "Gimme dat."  He brought the square over along with a lollipop that was also 25mg which he was gonna give me for free.  (I told yall somebody was seeing me tuh-day! LOL)  He rings me up while I go in my purse.  "35."

*crickets*

He can't be talking to me.

"Say what, now?"

He repeats, "35," as if he legitimately thought I hadn't heard him.

*waiting for the rest*  "..........35 what?"

He laughs.  "Dollars."

"For th-- " I stopped myself, suddenly realizing where I was and how many people were around me, but 35 fucken dollars for THIS???  The chocolates I get at the other place that are that size (but in fairness, half the thickness) are like $7.  I pay $35 for the shit I was waiting for in the mail at the other store, and that bar is probably 3x the size (think Hershey bar, but 50% wider).  But I said you know what?  You did this to yourself, Dig.  It was my own fault for saying "gimme dat" without asking how much it was gonna cost.  Don't go out like that.  Begrudgingly, I go to hand him my card.  Oh awesome, it's cash only?  That is...great, LOL.  I didn't have cash but luckily, they also accept cashapp.  Sent him the money and skated my ass up outta there.  Hey, at least I got a free lollipop.

Still on Marco Polo with my girls, bitching about my plans going awry, cracking jokes, and you know I had to tell them this story too, cause someone was gonna share in my appalment at this $35 fucken Reese Cup LOL.  I even crack open a Corona.  I'm risking it all, LOL

I open the chocolate and though I expected it to be sectioned into 4, it was actually sectioned into 9 squares.  I try to break off one, but half of another comes with it.  It's small though, and 1 square's only 25mg, so that should be alright.  After all, my other chocolate is 50mg per square.  So boom....

I eat the square and a half and carry on with my sista-girl business.  

In between messages, I'm watching TV.  At some point, my phone chimes and I turn my head to grab it, and the whole gotdamn room shifted left, 16 degrees LOL.  Whoa.  I go to turn my head back - Ooh.  Ok.  Here we go.

I know I need not move, but something told me if I didn't get up to do whatever I needed to do then, I might not be able to get up later.  So I get up, thinking I'll make sure I had closed the blinds and what not, grab a water, couple cookies (lol).... you know.  Chile, I barely got to the doorway of my bedroom before I thought I was gonna fall over.  I stop and let the hall stop spinning, then slowly make my way to do that stuff, and when I tell you.....  yo.  At one point, my legs went out in the kitchen and I was hanging off the counter by my elbows, trying to pull myself together.  Listen, LOL.  By the time I headed back, I was holding on to the walls.  I get to my bed and the room is milly rocking so it took me a smooth 2 minutes to actually get back ON the bed.  SMH.

I just tried to sit still, watching TV, but I started to feel the high moving through my body the way a tsunami rolls through everything in it's path.  But slow.  Literally - my fingers, the soles of my feet.  It went from my chest all the way down to my hands and feet, then all the way back up to my head.  When it got there, my eyes started doing some shit they ain't supposed to do and I could barely see the TV, let alone what was on it, but hey, this is a full tank.  It's hit everywhere, now we just gotta ride it out.

Wrong again.  I just kept getting higher and higher, like WTF IS HAPPENING???  I can't walk, can't stand, and now I can't even sit up.  All I could do was lay down - SLOWLY, LOL.    

By now, I've missed like 3 video messages and now my phone is ringing.  I reach for the phone, can't lift it, so I slide it to me.  Shit, I don't even think I can talk.  Now, I'm trying to decline the call; it takes 3 tries because I keep missing the button.  Sigh.  With some concentration, I'm able to pick up my phone and go to text my girl the predicament I was in.  I type that I was super high and had to talk to her tomorrow (today).  Why did that take me another 2 minutes because I couldn't control my fingers? Siiiiiiigh.  I didn't even bother trying to put my phone on the charger.  I felt around for the remote, turned the TV off and just gave the fuck up, LOL.

I have never been that high in my life!  And I have never been so afraid that I was gonna die from something that won't kill you.  Cause I'd be the one.  I'd be the one fool to disprove the fucken science and die, LOL.  But I was alright this morning, although quite groggy.  My mind was clear enough though to know I needed to take another look at that chocolate.  It just didn't compute that I would have been that high from what I had, but it turns out the price wasn't all I missed at the smoke shop.  I grab the chocolate and big as day on the spine is 'WARNING: HIGH DOSE EDIBLE." 

*staring into the camera*

I'm not even gonna tell yall what else it said.  See for yourself:

Are you fucken shittin' me? LOL.  I'm not a weed smoker and I just got in the edible game in the last like 6 months.  Why the fuck do I need..... siiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhh, LOL

I have ZERO questions about how I got here.  SMH

#ReadTheLabel  #DontBeDig  #WTF

When The Work Works

You never really know if the work you think you're doing on yourself is effective until you get into a situation that tests it.  The universe tried me yesterday and I am happy to report that I passed with flying colors!

I put an offer in yesterday on a house.  The asking price was in the range of other homes in the area, but the house itself was not worth it.  This is evident in the difficulty they've had selling it.  By my count, there were 7 other times this home was listed and on some occasions the listing expired, but on others, they had offers that were withdrawn.  They can now add mine to the list.

It really was a beautiful house if you could see past the horrendous decor of the elderly people who had been in there for the last 30 years.  It did need a lot of updates though - no way could I do any of those bathrooms or that kitchen - so I would have been looking at even more spend on the back end, but I was willing at the right price point.  

So I submitted an offer about $35K lower than asking.  The realtor who had never returned any of my calls, texts, or emails prior finally called me back to say that the owners had turned down all short sales because they're in default on their loan and needed what they asked for in order to cover the debt.  But it's not worth that! I thought.  I told him I'd get back to him.

Now I'm a licensed real estate agent but this was going to be my first contract process.  Being the home I would be buying for my family, it was a pretty bold move to have that be the first, but I was going to do it.  That being said, I didn't have a single point of reference for what to do here, and both my broker and "mentor" are out of office this week, so I called my go-to guy at the firm.  We talked about what I could do short of paying full price, like waiving my portion of the commission which would essentially add that money back into the sale price, but in the end, he gave me the real.  He said he'd pass on the house if it were him and went on to explain why.  Y'all have no idea how much I appreciated his honesty because I had been feeling that was the best thing and just needed confirmation from someone who knows the game better than I do.  I decided to follow that advice and broke it to the midgets, hoping they wouldn't be too upset as they loved the house too.  To my surprise, given all the information, they, too, agreed we should pass.  It was such a relief.

But the real surprise for me was my own comfort level.  In years gone by, I'd have gone ahead with the deal simply because I wanted the house so much and I'd have probably found myself stressed the fuck out and going broke trying to bring the property up to my standards.  Sooo many financial issues I had in the past were a result of my impulsiveness - literally almost all of them - so it's a pretty big deal to me that I didn't fall into that trap this time.  As you get older and hopefully wiser, this should be the case, but we all know we don't always do the things we know we should.  I certainly haven't, but it's so good to know that we actually CAN be and do better once we know better. Keep doing the work - really doing it - and you'll get there!

Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?

I asked someone recently to tell me why the last few relationships or situations they had been in hadn't worked out, without saying it was the other person's fault.  They said, "But it was their fault."  I said, "Overtly, yes, but we always play some role in how things play out, so think about what you could have done differently."  Their answer is unimportant - in fact, I can't even remember what it was at the moment - but I thought that maybe I should ask this question of myself.

MY response took some thought but in the end I realized that there had been a recurring theme:

I had allowed myself to drown in the uncertainty of men who couldn't decide if I was worth saving.

Why were they uncertain?  I will probably never know, but I do know that often times, I, myself, was uncertain.  What I've come to realize also is that women, in general, are much more likely to move forward in their uncertainty, just trusting that things are going to work out however they're supposed to and suffering the consequences when they don't.  The mere possibility of the thing means that much to them.  Most men are very different in that they can't move forward if they are unsure.  The trouble is, most of them don't back away either and as long as it's not a clear "no," women will press on, and they will let us.  But not a "no" is not "yes" and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that the middle of the road is the absolutely worst place to be in these situations.  

I do believe that things tend to work out the way they are supposed to, but we don't have to be knee-deep in situations in order for that to happen.  If we're really looking for it, much of the surety comes on the fringes - before we fully invest - and things occur while we're fleshing out a situation that eventually make us confident in taking next steps or tell us to run.  There is still no guarantee, if you move forward, that it's going to go the way you want, but you'll at least be walking into a much more predictable situation because you at least know where YOU stand.  That's half the battle - the half we often lose.

We all want to be loved and it's hard when the one we think we want that love from won't or can't give it to us.  But don't you want that love to be given freely from someone who wants to give it TO YOU?  There isn't a lot we can do to make someone sure of us and I don't believe we should try.  That person may not even know what it is about us that they can't past, but if they need convincing.... that's your surety.  Move on.  And if you find it difficult to do so, ask yourself why.  330 million people in this country alone and you are hell-bent on the one who doesn't want you.  "But Dig, it's not that he doesn't want me, he just [insert delusion here]."  Girl.  He either wants you or he doesn't, and unsure IS a no BECAUSE you can't move forward under those terms.  "I don't know" is an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want.  I know it's hard - hell, I stuck around in a few situations much longer than I should have because I thought someone just needed time - but that's the thing about growth;  I don't do that anymore.  I won't.  I can't.  But it's just as hard to be caught in the middle of someone else's indecisiveness.  It's all hard.  I prefer the "hard" that puts me in a position to move forward, even if it's by myself.

#FAAFO

Yeah, I know I come in here a lot and apologize for my lengthy absence, but I can't even begin to articulate what the last 4 or 5 months of my life have felt like.  There were really no words and had I been able to find them, they would never have conveyed the true essence of it all.  I'm grateful that I am beginning to feel more clear in my thinking and though I had seriously considered taking this blog down, I was reminded recently that my voice was still needed - as inconsistent as it may sometimes be. "They will wait," he said.  I don't have hundreds of followers here but if just one person feels that way and theirs are the only eyes that read this shit, it's good enough for me.

So let's talk about the slap heard 'round the world.

I'll preface this by saying I am conflicted about last night's events.  There are sooooo many layers to this, I'm not sure I could address them all in one coherent post, but let's just talk about a few of the complexities that lie within.  For anyone who may have slept under a rock and doesn't know what I'm referring to, I'm talking about Will Smith taking to the Oscar stage to smack fire out of Chris Rock for a joke he made about Jada Pinkett-Smith's bald head.  In honesty, the G.I. Jane joke seemed rather innocuous to me and QUITE light given his usual style, but I fully understand how a woman dealing with the effects of alopecia might feel when someone clowns about it.  That being said, I also fully understand how a man who has remained quiet and graceful through storms of media attention and social media ridicule might have hit a breaking point that even he didn't see coming and acted out of character, which seems to be the consensus.  Like nobody thinks Will went to the Oscars planning to smack another grown man in front of all his friends. 

[Sidebar: Yo, Meryl was fully flabbergasted LOL]

The composed adult in me says that there was a much better way to deal with Chris's joke than strutting up on stage at a [inter]nationally televised industry event and showing the world what the hand said to the face, but the "fuck around and find out" in me feels like right where you show that disrespect is where you deal with the consequences.  And let's be honest:  Will Smith has been quiet and graceful under all this fire he's been taking over the last couple of years, mostly behind his wife's public revelations about their marriage and other generally private matters.  Among this fire has been Chris Rock's relentless jokes.  This is what we do know.  

What we don't REALLY know is what predicated Will's reaction.  Of course, many people are saying that Will thought the joke was funny initially and it was the look on Jada's face that changed how he felt in the moment.  I have a question:  has anyone other than me ever seen a person laugh just before trying to take a muthafucka's head off?  Has anyone other than me BEEN the person to laugh just before trying to take a muthafucka's head off?  Because that's what it looked like to me after watching the video a number of times.  What we are missing in all the footage I've seen is that few seconds between Will's apparent laughter and his leaving his seat.  People are assuming Will saw Jada's face and reacted, but we don't actually know what brought him to his feet.  Isn't it just as possible that there had been a conversation at some point earlier where Will had approached Chris about his reckless joking about their marriage, or his wife?  Isn't it just as possible that Chris had been warned that further ridicule would not be tolerated and there would be hell to pay if the behavior continued?  Of course, I have zero information supporting this having occurred, but isn't it just as possible as the story people are concocting about what transpired in those few seconds of video nobody actually saw?  I'm just saying.  There seems to be a little bit more to this than meets the eye.  It doesn't translate to me that someone would actually find a joke funny, see disapproval on his wife's face and then storm the stage.  That's a WHOLE 180 in 3 seconds that IMO, doesn't naturally result in what Will did next.  It's giving "Oh, you thought I was playing with you?" and Chris was made to eat that.  But now that I've watched the video 50-11 more times, I almost feel like Will was still laughing at the previous joke when Chris slid that G.I. Jane one through.  Maybe he didn't really hear it, saw Jada's face and asked what he said and upon hearing it, decided playtime was over.  Chile, IDK.

But what is so annoying to me this morning are all the irrelevant questions people are asking.  "Would he have slapped [someone like] D.L. Hughley?"  "Would he have slapped a white host?"  It wasn't D.L. Hughley and it wasn't a white host.  It was Chris Rock - the same Chris Rock who has a penchant for going too far.  The same Chris Rock who has had Jada's name in his mouth for the last two years. Longer actually. 

"But Chris is a comedian, it was just a joke."  Listen.  I don't think a comedian should have to censor themselves to spare people's feelings, but I do believe comedians - just like anyone else - needs to accept any potential consequences of shit that they do say.  This is the whole reason some comedians no longer tell certain jokes. It's real out here.  Freedom of speech does not grant you freedom from consequences.

"Will did that because it was on live television and he knew Chris wouldn't retaliate."  Really?  You want me to believe Will "snapped" in the moment but also had the presence of mind to assess the situation as an ideal time and place?  Do you honestly believe the fucken Oscars would be anyone's ideal and time and place?  What I will say to this point is that even though someone inviting themselves on stage usually results in a funny outcome, we've seen enough instances where said intrusion results in really uncomfortable moments that there should have been security stopping anyone from climbing onto that stage who wasn't supposed to be up there.  I have said this many times, even when Lil Mama jumped on stage during Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' "Empire State" performance way back when. There are hundreds of high net folks in the building but there are also a host of other characters at any given show.  Do you know how many celebrities and even Youtube personalities have stalkers?  Has nobody seen the bodyguard?!! There is no telling who some people are or why they are approaching the stage and nobody wants to see anyone gunned down or stabbed up on national television by some nut job, or even a Will Smith who has been pushed over the edge.  No one should be allowed on stage who isn't supposed to be there.  Period.

"Why didn't Will slap August Alsina?"  PLEASE tell me WTF August Alsina has to do with this?  It's been said a billion and five times that the Smith's have an open marriage and the issue arose because of who Jada chose to engage with amidst their family's history with this individual, NOT because it was observed as cheating.  August was also somewhat integrated into their family at a point, so the relationship between those two and these two aren't even close to the same, but again, WTF does he have to do with Will setting Chris Rock's face on fire?  I truly hope no one out there believes that just because someone appears to let one person slide that their outcome would be the same.  This is also something I've seen a number of times.  I don't care how a person chooses to deal with someone else, it has NO bearing on how they will deal with YOU, should you choose to test those waters.  But also, Will couldn't win for losing.  It seemed he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.  How long has this man been clowned for not protecting or standing up for his wife even though it was a bed that SHE made and had to lie in?  Now he does and he's still getting hammered.  You can say you don't agree with how he went about it, but when you call on someone to stand up, you don't get to decide how they do that.  Another reason people really need to be careful AND mind their fucken business.  

Lesson of the day is this:  LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE. Especially the quiet, graceful ones.  Stop poking the bear.  Everyone has their breaking point and you could very well be on the receiving end of a shit storm of emotions that have been welling up inside someone that may or may not even be about you.  Some people are quiet and calm because they know what the other side looks like.  People who have grown and learned and evolved are still people.  Like I said, the composed, responsible adult in me would love to think I'd have let it ride for the moment and saw Chris backstage or at a later time, but it didn't happen to me.  And it didn't happen to you.  None of us really knows how we might have reacted in a similar situation given everything else that transpired up until then.  None of us knows.  

And also take into account the private conversations between a husband and a wife.  I am pretty sure that man has been subject to how Jada's been feeling about her alopecia.  I'm pretty sure he knows how much hurt losing her hair has caused her, how many times she may have cried at night.  Some have said, "Well it ain't like it's a terminal illness."  No, it's not.  But that is either a very callous response or ignorant response considering the relationship women in general have with their hair.  I know women who would rather lose an eyeball than lose their hair.  But even if you're not one of those, you have to understand the toll it could take on a person.  Even the most confident person will begin to lose self esteem when any part of their body begins to betray them.  In my opinion, it doesn't matter a single bit whether Chris Rock knew Jada was struggling with this disease.  Why?  Because the man championed a whole documentary about the black hair experience and knows it's improper to speak on any black woman's hair.  There are whole laws being passed now to keep folks from doing it.  It isn't that he "should" know better, he KNOWS better.

I know this 100% sounds like I'm #TeamWill thus far, but I'm not.  I'm not #TeamChris either, although I do commend him for his restraint, which I think was part professionalism but mostly shock. It was clear he had no idea WTF was going on and probably thought this was going to be one of those "funny outcomes" I mentioned earlier, but that slap woulda put better men than him ON THE GROUND so shout out to that iron jaw, dude, cause MAN!  But I think this was a really sad set of circumstances and I wish it hadn't happened at all.  There are no winners here.  Will what, made a statement and at the same time lost the respect of colleagues and a multitude of fans?  Chris got bitch slapped on national fucken TV and now he probably can't go back to Brooklyn LOL.  Nobody wins here.  Seriously, it tarnished the rest of the night, including Will Smith's own Oscar win, not to mention other major would-be highlights of the show including wins by folks like Questlove and Samuel L. Jackson.  It was just very unfortunate.

It is not lost on me that in his acceptance speech for King Richard, Will apologized to everybody in the building except for Chris Rock.  This says to me that Will meant all five fingers of that shit, but I sincerely hope that the heads of our black entertainment family can bring these two together to hash it out to make amends or at least move forward without any further incidents.  I do believe that once all the back and forth about right or wrong dies down, the only thing people will remember is that there is more than one way to be a man.  Both these men are straight up G's for their respective actions and blame aside, that was the most gangsta shit any of us have or ever will see in our entertainment lives.  

One last thing:  so much talk about what Will should or should not have done in defense of his woman.  Where is the talk about how Jada shoulda grabbed Will's arm and protected him from himself in that moment?  When has she EVER protected him, for that matter?  Mm. Guess y'all ain't ready for that conversation, huh?

*That part*