Top 3

Sooooo..... you know how you have sex with someone and be like "Oh, definitely top 3?" In conversation with one of my friends this weekend, it came up: what is top 3 exactly? Like..... what if you dealt with someone for a long time and in the beginning they were everything, but over time they got lazy? What if over time it just wasn't what it used to be? Does it take away from what they were? Are they still top 3? I mean..... are they still top 3 because they gave you some of the best sex of your life - AT SOME TIME? Or does their inability to hold that up knock them out? Let's realize also that over time, your memory of a situation may not be as good as it once was so.... I need some help here, because you can't have 8 people in your top 3, so how do you decide? I have to think about this...

Ghosting

There's so much talk about this lately, ghosting must be at an all-time high. And that's terrible, cause ghosting is some sucka shit and that means cowardice is becoming an epidemic. SMH





Now I know it's hard to believe - you're probably sitting there reading this like "Dig's been ghosted??? Amazing ass Dig???" LMAO! Yes, buttercup, even amazing ass Dig has been ghosted LOL. Most single people out here actively dating have been and I gotta tell you, at first, that shit fucked me up. Like.... we was good, WTF happened? Going back through the last time we talked or hung out, trying to see what I did or if we had an argument I ain't realize was an argument at the time.... just trying to figure the shit out. And women, we think up all kinds of potential explanations. Maybe he didn't pay his bill. Maybe he lost his phone. Did he get locked up? Did he get in a horrible car accident and is laid up in somebody's hospital?

[*staring into the camera*]

The first time or two, we'll think up just about anything to keep from accepting the fact that somebody just moved on. Why? It's not because we're so hung up on the person that we can't let it go. It's because simply disappearing on somebody who at least THINKS you really dig them is a fucked up thing to do, and we don't want to admit that this person we thought so highly of would be such a fucked up individual, so there HAS to be some explanation. Well, there is but.... you ain't gon like it LOL. That's why dudes ghost in the first place, in my opinion, to avoid the confrontation. If they hurt your feelings, or God forbid, make you CRY? Automatic bad guy. If they just skate, they don't have to be accountable for any of that cause it's like it never really happened.

Except it did.

So I repeat: ghosting is WACK - I have NO respect for it. Once someone is worth "seeing where it goes" with, they should also be worth a heads up if things change. With that being said, by all means, PLEASE feel free to be out, should you ever feel compelled. Bounce while my memories of you consist of those few good times we had and not some fucked up shit you were bound to do eventually. But if you decide THIS is how you wanna make your exit, please know that traffic in the ghost lane only flows in one direction. Don't bring your ass back.

De La Soul - Memory of… (US) ft. Estelle, Pete Rock

All The Way Up

I love Remy Ma and Papoose. Every time I see them together, I think.... damn. They on some Bey and Jay shit, on a hood level, and that's the shit I think we all aspire to. I know I do. I want that dude to come along who actually SEES me and recognizes my greatness and puts his whole self behind it. But I will admit that as I watched them on Love and Hip Hop this week, I started thinking about Papoose's greatness and how it's falling by the wayside. He's managing Remy's career and taking it to another level and that is awesome, but he's an amazing rapper too. What about his dreams? If he has replaced his dream of being on stage making niggas sick with his lyrics with a dream of being some manager extraordinaire then fine. But does he still yearn deep inside to be back on the mic? I secretly wish that conversation takes place on screen because I really want to know. Does he have this deep-seeded resentment that Remy's been able to get her career back on and it's come at the cost of his own? I don't know. I just know he's dope and the game needs him and it makes me wonder if my super couple's kryptonite is tunnel vision. Why can't they be the Barack and Michelle of hip hop? I soooooooooo want that. A Remy and Papoose compilation would be so ill. Why isn't anybody else thinking about this??? What's wrong with America????

Oh........... Trump's our President. Fuck!

Co-Pays: I Got "Got"

If you have health insurance, make sure you understand your coverage - at least the basic co-pays and stuff. My family is relatively healthy so we only go for those yearly appointments which could mean we've got totally different insurance than we had the last time we were there, given how often companies change providers. Only thing I knew at any given time was that our doctors were in-network and that's because I based my choices primarily on that.

But I got got earlier this week. I went in for my yearly physical and battery of tests and they charged me a $45 co-pay. Now, I expected to have a co-pay but $45 seemed high - that's usually the kind of co-pay you have when you go see a specialist. So I'm getting my wallet out super slowly, and I ask to be sure, "45?" Dude behind the desk: "45" with an attitude like bitch, that's what I said, ain't it? I pay it but I'm salty cause you don't take my money with no attitude LOL.

Then I get to work yesterday and I sit through the open enrollment webinar - because once again, we're changing providers - and I see on the payment schedule NO CO-PAY for routine "well" services. So when the question/answer phase comes, I ask about it. Maybe it's new for 2017, you know? She says no, it's always been that way. So now I'm thinking real hard because not only have I paid $45 the day before for one of those "well" visits, but I recall clearly paying co-pays prior as well. I'm sure there was an actual sick visit or 3 over the years, but with our pediatrician especially, there has never been anything but physicals and I've been charged. So I guess you know my first contact was to my doctor to let him know he could so kindly reverse that $45 charge and of course, he's all "You're absolutely right! Done." Mm hmm. SOMEBODY entered the visit code, Doc. I ain't saying it was you, even though you made my appointment, I'm just saying SOMEBODY LOL. And you better believe I will be stalking my account to see that $45 come on back.

Benefit shit, especially through work, can be complicated and confusing. If you never pay that shit any attention, zone in during that open enrollment session. If you don't know anything else, know your co-pays. I bet doctors everywhere are charging co-pays left and right because people don't know no better. SMH

In My Bag

My cousin lost his long-time girlfriend yesterday morning. Sickle cell. She had been in and out of the hospital more frequently lately but it was still a surprise to hear she had died. He's so heartbroken and it's not a way I'm used to seeing him.

Spoke to Mr. Broadway tonight. It's been a while. We've had some texts periodically over the last year but I haven't actually seen him in about two. He tells me he was involved in the shoot-out last week that claimed the life of another Bronx officer. The funeral was yesterday. We catch up on each other's goings on and I told him I wanted to be added to his notify list. He explains to me that he is responsible for notifications and it's hell on the individuals getting it, but I counter that I'd rather know than not get any responses to my calls or texts, find out later that he's been dead a year and not have a chance to say goodbye. He agreed to add me.

I guess I'm in my bag of feelings tonight. I'm not depressed or anything, I'm just acknowledging that someone you love can be taken from you with no warning and you might be left holding that bag. In honesty, although I vibe with a lot of people, not very many are really that important to me. The ones who are, are everything and if you fall into that category, you know. I have been blessed to not suffer any personal losses in recent years but I know it's a temporary reprieve and at some point, it will hit. Hard. For all I know, it could even be me. Life is short.... soooo short. So while quoting Alicia Keys might be super corny, whatever it is you do with me..... PLEASE..... do it like you'll never see me again.

You just never know.

180 Degrees

I was exhausted last night so I didn't stay up to see the election results. Either way it went, this country was gonna be up to it's ass in alligators. Stranger things have happened, but I didn't think we were ever in any REAL danger of Trump becoming President. I mean, who in their right mind would actually put the next four years in this man's hands? Yeah, well..... imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to the shit storm of disappointment and anger flooding my Facebook timeline. I was just as much in shock as I wasn't. With everything else we've seen taking place in this country over the last couple of years, nothing should really surprise us anymore, so as much as I had hoped people's sensibilities would kick in at the polls, it wasn't completely unexpected. It was just........ sad.

It's sad because the smoke has officially cleared, the veils have been lifted and there's no more denial to hide behind. We can no longer tell ourselves the lies that allow us to sleep at night. What do I mean? Well.... how many people does it take to vote in a President? Donald Trump is arguably the most divisive candidate there ever was, easily the most blatantly disrespectful, misogynistic and racist, giving not a single fuck how you or your mama feels about it but however many people it takes to vote a guy in are apparently FINE with that. Just think about that shit. Sad, right?

I was so disappointed, about EVERYTHING - people who voted for Trump, people who didn't vote at all and people who wasted their vote to write in "Deez Nuts" or fucken "Harambe" instead of taking the shit seriously - that all I could do for a while this morning was sit on the side of my bed, staring out the window. By the time I realized I was gonna be late for work fucking around, I had decided this election was not gonna ruin my day. An hour into the office though, I still hadn't quite shaken it. I couldn't escape the office chatter and it was pissing me off. Then all of a sudden my cell phone rings. My baby was in happy tears, and suddenly, nothing else mattered.

See, a couple of weeks ago, my daughter came to me, stressed out about failing Biology. Let me explain something about my daughter; she does not fail. Period. Anything. So the fact that she wasn't doing well in Science was really fuckin her up. High school freshmen have enough to worry about so I made it very clear to her that she's putting this pressure on herself, it's not coming from me. A's or C's, Ima love her the same, and she may not be used to it, but some things she's just gonna have to work harder to be good at. I did my part in helping her - spoke to her teacher, helped her study - and Monday she got a 109 out of 120 on her test, bringing her grade up 7 points, to passing. That phone call was everything. Not just because I told her she could do it and she did, but because she could have waited til I got home to tell me. Instead, she got the news and she had to tell her mom right then. THAT, my friends, is the shit that matters. Not some orange, toupee-wearing villain from Gotham who, in my opinion, is little more than a year from impeachment - I'm calling it. I mean, let's be real here. How long do you really think it will take for him to do something so reckless the rest of the government will have to get him outta there to save face?

Meh. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but that moment today snapped things right back into perspective for me. Some shit is out of your control and even things you can impact aren't always going to go your way. I still have real concerns about this bastard being in office, don't get me wrong, but he can't get anymore of my attention. I'm in the concrete jungle, so I'll quote my man Jigga; "he only get half a bar - FUCK that nigga."

Is You Happy?

Losing

I get my groceries delivered - you know, cause I'm a princess - and I knew they were coming between the hours of 2 and 4 pm today. I've been up since 7 watching season 1 of Quantico on Netflix, but I figured if I could tear myself away from it by like noon, I would have plenty of time to run up the ave and get a pedicure and be back in time for the delivery. Any later than that and it wasn't gonna happen because by then, the shop would be packed.

So it's a little after 12, I'm walking into the salon. I go there all the time so the new chick is the first thing I notice. The owner asks where my daughter is today so we're chopping it up, the whole time I'm thinking in the back of my mind I do not want the new chick. But Mari, my regular girl was giving a manicure and the owner had gone back to watching Youtube or some shit with her earbuds in so I knew her ass wasn't working. It was either wait or take the new girl. Mari tends to have a lot of Saturday appointments too so waiting could leave me stuck. I'm at the wall picking my color, sighing all kinds of hard in my head, but I turn around and smile as Rookie Rita goes to start the water. She's going back and forth getting all the tools ready and I'm walking slow as hell across the room like it's the green mile, just knowing this is not gonna go well. I tried to stay positive though; she might not be so bad.....

Who are we kidding? The new chick is always bad.

But I sit down, put my earbuds back in and grab the controller to start the chair massage. Rita grabs a pad and starts removing what's left of my nail polish. I immediately look up because she's moving soooooo slow. I thought something was wrong with her. Then she grabs the nail clipper and starts to clip the nail on my big toe. When I tell you this woman clipped bit by bit, I mean she clipped like 16 times. ON ONE TOE. I just lean back in the chair and look over at the clock. 12:18

The next time I look up at the rookie, it's because she's filing the tips of my damn toes. It happens sometimes when you get your nails cut short and the worker isn't paying attention, but that shit was starting to burn. She moved on just before I said something but it wasn't long before I was looking up again. Now I'm just watching her. Now, I appreciate somebody being gentle with sharp objects on my skin but this woman was moving so slow and doing everything so softly, you had to wonder if she was concentrating. I don't know about nobody else, but if you have to focus that hard, I don't want you or your sharp objects anywhere near me. The lady next to me started laughing when she saw how I was watching the girl. She was watching her too. You couldn't help it, that shit was just unreal. Rita looks up, nervous, and says in spanish that she doesn't want to hurt me. The lady translates and we both laugh as I try my hardest not to roll my eyes.

I peeped a sign that said the callus remover was $8. I've had that before at another place but checked with Rita to make sure it was what I thought it was. Of course, she didn't know. So she asks Mari and Mari explains to her in spanish what it is. Clear that Rita had no clue, Mari explained to me that it was what I thought and I told her I wanted it. Rita panics. Mari's like chill, I got you. Me and the lady next to me just shake our heads. I don't know why I didn't get up at that point, but I figured I had sat that long, I might as well ride it out. Mari is working on the woman next to me by the time it's time for the callus remover. She talks Rita through how to apply the gel on the soles of my feet. Mari walks away for a second and this chick is massaging the gel into my feet, like it's lotion. Now it was a long time ago when I had this before but I was pretty sure I didn't remember them doing that. Mari comes back, I shoot her a look and she runs over to Rita like noooo, no, not like that.... Jesus. She ends up reapplying the gel, unwrapping the one foot Rita already did and redoing that too. I had been sitting about 5 minutes before I looked over at the clock again. 1:35 - WTF?

So now it's time to pull the saran wrap off my feet and scrape them with the paddle. Of course Rita doesn't know what she's doing so Mari is talking her through. She's running the paddle across my foot like an emery board. Lady, you just shellacked half a bottle of goo on a foot that ain't seen the inside of a nail salon in 2 months, you gotta get in there! The woman beside me is giggling again as Mari tells her in spanish she has to do it harder. She does go a little harder, but not much, and by now I'm irritated. "You want me to do it?" The lady next to me is really laughing now but I'm ready to walk my ass out the door, gooey feet and all. Mari grabs the paddle and starts going in. "Like this," she says to Rita. Rita's looking at me and I'm looking at her while Mari's standing, straight laying into that heel, skin flying everywhere, lady next to me cracking up off the look on Rita's face. She was fucken mortified LOL. Mari hands her the paddle back and she clearly didn't understand because she was still sitting, trying to file, and not making any headway. Mari's like "Harder! Harder!" Rita's about to lose her shit. I think she was really trying to put some elbow into it but just not enough and before any of us could blink, this bitch was crying. Real tears, yall LOL [In spanish] "I don't wanna hurt you! I don't wanna hurt you!" Am I in the gotdamn twilight zone? LOL

Mari asked the lady she was working on if it was okay if she finished the callus part and came over to sort me out. Rita didn't even look embarrassed, she just looked like she wasn't at all here for that shit. But she took over again once Mari went back to the other woman and by then, all that was really left to do was polish my nails..... which took 15 fucken minutes. I wouldn't even believe it if I wasn't the one in the chair, SMH. I paid the owner while Rita was doing the final strokes and left her the $3 change because I kinda felt bad, but when she said she was done, I was done. The owner's pointing to the fans like "You no dry?" Nah, bitch. I no dry. It was 2:23 when I left. What pedicure do you know takes 2 gotdamn hours? Luckily, my phone hadn't rang, so I knew the food hadn't come yet.

By then, I was starving though. Figured I could drop in the pizza shop, have them heat up a slice while I ran around the corner to the store and came back for it. Get to the pizza shop, it's open, but nothing's ready yet. 10-15 minutes, he says, for pizza. I don't have 10-15 minutes, so I'm like fuck it, I'll just grab a couple empanadas at the store. Go to the store, pick up my shit, start to eat one of the empanadas on the way back to the crib, this shit empty. WTF is this???! It was supposed to be a cheese empanada but I didn't taste one lick of cheese until the second to last bite and that was the ONLY bite there was some cheese in. I was too annoyed to even turn back around. I knew the best place for me at that moment was home, waiting for my damn groceries. I shoulda sat my ass in the house like I was doing, watching Quantico and being great. I bet I don't leave this house again this weekend.

Out here, losing. smh

PowerTrippin, Episode 26

Most recent episode of Power Trippin is available NOW!!

Episode 26: "We missed last week cause of Hurricane Matthew and his bullshit. But we're back! This week we talk about our disappointment in Luke Cage. We laugh at Adrien Broner and his attention whoring tactics. We got more fan mail and Bebe is not up for our shenanigans. A listener reveals that she wants to have sex with 2 men at the same time. And the show goes off the rails at this point."

Check it out on the link below.


https://soundcloud.com/tripwithus/ep26

Throwback Season

Welp....... guess it's that time of year again. No, not the holidays. Throwback Season. You know - that 4 to 6-week period right before Cuffing Season officially starts, when the lazy and uninspired make another run at their exes and former boos before putting in the work to find something new to get into. You know me, I'm sentimental and shit, so I get a blast from the past and I'm like "I crossed your mind? Aww, how sweet..." (What? Muhfuckas miss me sometimes LOL) but as soon as I look at the calendar, I know what time it is. Some of y'all doing it wrong though, the trickery has got to stop! *taps mic* Can I have your attention, please?

First thing you wanna do is walk over to a mirror, look yourself in the face and ask, "Am I playing myself?" This is a serious question and you should be honest with yourself because you could ACTUALLY be playing yourself LOL. The truth of the matter is, a lotta you think of yourselves as a woman's Drake (baby, you my everything, you all I ever wanted) when most of y'all are our Carl Thomas (we wish we never met you). Not every dude we once rocked with can come back around, so if you answered "yes" to the above question, go back to the couch and resume that wack ass beta of Call of Duty Infinite Warfare, but if you honestly believe you have a holla, take your shot.

Next, announce yourself. You need to let her know she's up so she can respond accordingly and the best way to do that is by using the standard season's greetings: "What's up, Big Head" and "Hey, Stranger". That'll do. Don't get all cute and creative now, nigga.

Humble yourself. Try not to piss her off by a) reminding her of the fuck shit you did or b) calling out the fuck shit she did. Even if she was on some bullshit, pretend it doesn't matter anymore. Once you're back in her inbox, it doesn't.

Lastly, this is not the time to be talking about all the shit you wanna do to her, especially if you don't know with 100% certainty that the dick ain't trash. Many a man has been humbled by the "Nah."

Make no mistake, the rules apply to women too, but let's be real - the fellas be having Throwback Season on lock. Why? Rule #1. A man on a mission don't give a damn about his dignity but women don't generally operate so recklessly because we know if you pull a "Who this?" we might have to stab you LOL. You know good and damn well you already picking out the basketball shorts, socks and flip flops you gonna answer the door in when we come over to chill but you tryna stunt. Ain't nobody got time for that. But the other reason we leave this shit to y'all? 95 times out of 100, we don't want ya asses back LOL.... that is, not until you show up and convince us that the worst thing we could ever fucken do in life - dealing with yo simple ass again - is actually a good idea. Crazy thing is, you quite often do, so if you haven't taken any shots by now, with just a couple weeks left in the game, what are you doing with your life? Get your shit together! LOL

#Message

Power Trippin

Power Trippin is a weekly podcast that will make you feel like you're sitting at a backyard cookout, or up in a barbershop buggin out with ya people. It's morning show style, a crew of folks sitting around talking and laughing about the dumb shit that goes on in the world. Highly entertaining. Check it out via the link below.

https://soundcloud.com/tripwithus/ep25

Yup. Still Hate Daredevil

So I finally buckled down and watched the Daredevil installment of the Marvel series on Netflix. Turns out there are actually 2 seasons so I committed to knocking out both. I liked this version of the story because it was kinda different than what we've seen but I still stand firm; I just don't like the guy. No matter who plays him, no matter what the story line is, Daredevil is still kind of a douche LOL.

The season 1 story was so good that I almost thought I would get over the hump. Great cast, everybody worked, and I peeped all the shout outs to some of the other series. But the great cast and writing worked against Daredevil, I think, because after a couple episodes of season 2, it was his part of the story I stopped caring about. I was more interested in what was going on with everybody else. They had some nice throwbacks to season 1, introduced the Punisher (OMG, he was the illest!) and who else but Elektra. You better come on, Marvel! The show had all the right ingredients but Daredevil still don't do it for me.

You know what I think it is? We grow a fondness for most of these superheroes who compromise their own lives to protect their cities, but Daredevil does it with such.....arrogance. Some of the shit he says about "his" city needing him to save it made me just squint at the screen like really, nigga? Don't get me wrong - it's great that you have these gifts that allow you to do things most people can't and that you've chosen to use those powers for good. We appreciate that shit LOL. But people like other superheroes because they're humble. They also have other shit to do, which they tend to be doing when they happen to stumble upon some mess going down and decide to help out. Who goes out at night TROLLING for muhfuckas to save? Get a fucken life LOL.

Now maybe I'm being too hard on the man, but I feel a way about folks with these delusions of grandeur that make them think it's okay to shit on their friends, out here tap dancing for random strangers. What about your peoples? You the dude in the hood that'll leave his man hung out over a bitch LOL. I got no love for you, Daredevil. No love.

But if you happen to be a fan, check these joints out. The story was well done, IMO, and despite my personal feelings for the Daredevil character, I'm curious what they do with season 3. I think The Iron Fist is the next one due out, early next year. Not at all familiar with his story but I'll be watching!

Marvel Dopeness

Yo! Have y'all checked out the Marvel series on Netflix? If you haven't, you might want to get your life together. Apparently, the first one was Daredevil, but Daredevil has been done..... and done again... so I wasn't really checking for it initially. I started with Luke Cage, which is actually the third installment in the series. Black as hell and the music? Son! Don't get me started on the level of sexy in that shit. I was all the way here for it. What I liked most about it was that it was relevant and didn't have all the corny writing we're accustomed to these days. Yeah, there were the expected phrases that a superhero movie just wouldn't be a superhero movie without, but nothing that made you go "really?" Just saying. Luke Cage was mad good.

After that, Jessica Jones. Don't tell my son but I didn't know who the fuck Jessica Jones was when he said I should watch it. Never heard of her. That said, ya girl watched the whole season in a day. That's how good it was. And it tied into the Luke Cage story in such a way that even though I didn't watch it in order, it made perfect sense. They even used the same actors for the crossover characters. I was impressed, they really thought this shit through.

So now I guess I gotta go watch Daredevil. To its credit, I heard it's better than any of the previously done versions, and these other two series were on point, so I'm optimistic, but not excited. As superheroes go, I never really fucked with Daredevil like that. I don't know why - it's not like bulletproof skin and muhfuckas that fly are so much more believable than somebody being blind LOL - he just never made me give a shit. I will set my judgement aside though until I watch it and hope to be pleasantly surprised.

But I doubt it LOL

Dixie Chicks - Landslide

Love this song. Sometimes a landslide is everything you need.

Summer '16

I mean.....if Drake can take the summer off...... *shrugs*

Definitely have had a lot going on. I needed to take a step back, not just from this blog, but from LIFE, really. Until very recently, I haven't had much of a presence anywhere, bar a random "like" here or there on Facebook. When you're in that place of evaluating everything, right down to your own core beliefs, you don't want anything or anybody influencing or interfering with your process. When you're in that place of evaluating everything, you're also extremely sensitive to the way people interact with you.... the things they say..... the way they say them. And I don't mean in the sense that everything offends you, but in the sense that everything means more than the words. More than the actions or behaviors. Everything becomes an RSVP to a particular space in your life... or the claim check to a little cardboard box with all their shit in it.

Still "separating clothes," so to speak, but mostly I'm sweeping up in the aftermath of Hurricane WTF. Just took on a side writing obligation so as of now, it's back to work.

#coffee

I Am

My Achilles Heel

I am a super laid back person who enjoys having peace in her life and practices patience to the extent that I am not easily angered. That being said, I am human, and I have my triggers like everybody else. One thing that really gets my goat is people who feel as though they have some right to challenge my authenticity as... ANYTHING... but mostly as a New Yorker.

Now granted, I spent a great deal of my life in upstate New York, but I am from the Bronx and I am proud of my roots. I am a NATIVE New Yorker and I rep it to the death. In fact, there is a song by that title that makes me really emotional to this day, though it isn't played much anymore. People everywhere take pride in their heritage or where they are from and it pisses me off when someone feels like they can take that away from them. Who gave you the authority to validate or invalidate somebody's existence?

I appreciate my time upstate and the lessons I learned while there but the reason I left - the reason I always knew I would eventually leave - is because I identify with my roots and have always felt a pull to return to them. You wanna piss me off? Challenge that. Challenge my recollection of the fire hydrants exploding in the summer.... cuchifritos on the corner.... pizza slices as big as my head. Challenge my recollection of the walk to P.S. 53 or the afternoons I spent with "Mother" or my mom's friend whose house smelled like moth balls. Tell me I didn't fall on the decline from the Boys n Girls Club where I skinned my knee and the scar is still there to this day. Tell me the pics of me and my family skating in central park aren't real and I didn't have coconut icees that froze my teeth.

You cannot invalidate my authenticity. I wouldn't care if I was born on January 1st and we were on the first flight to Rochester on January 2nd - I am a REAL New Yorker and your insistence otherwise does not change that these are my roots and this is my history. I don't owe anybody any justification and you can't take it from me. But if you want to piss me off, just try. Try. I promise you will see a side of me most people never do. I don't see it any different than people being proud to be black.... or italian... or military. It's part of my story. It is what it is.

A guy got me so upset today behind his "real New Yorker" commentary, I probably would have fought him if he were in front of me. I might need to sit myself down and have a talk with myself, but I felt so disrespected. One thing you will not do is tell me who I am.

Digfiles: Aaaaaaand we're back...

Y'all.... I swear, I can't. I seriously CAN NOT!

This dude hits me up on POF last weekend, right... A little flashy for my taste but def my brand of cute, so I respond. We go back and forth a little bit and eventually exchange numbers. He texts me a whole rack of pics and when I look, I'm like "Oh this is THAT dude." I remembered having seen those pics before. I figured I must have come across his profile before and just never said anything to him. Like I said, he's a little flashy for my taste. Anyway, dude calls me a little while later and automatically I feel something is off.

First of all, he told me he was "a lawyer." I don't know any lawyers who call themselves lawyers - they tend to say "attorney" - but hey, whatever. I also don't know any lawyers who dress the way he does in those pics, but again, whatever. Can't judge a book by the cover, right? But he also didn't speak like a man that's educated to that degree either. Secondly, he denounced one-night stand types on his profile but all he could talk about was how sexy I am. Literally ALL he talked about for the 5 minutes we spoke. So we hang up and I go back to his profile.

His blurb said he was from Trinidad, moved here at 12, went to school here and got his masters in law, now practicing. Now I don't know if you all are aware - he clearly isn't - but while a masters in law (LL.M.) may allow you to practice law in some countries, it does not qualify you to practice in the US. You need a JD. So right there, I know this guy's not on the level, but I hold my mule.

He texts me over the next few days, saying nothing really.... hey....wyd... that typa shit. He calls me in the middle of my work day on Wednesday and I'm busy at the time so I don't pick up. I do call back though. He's in a stairwell, talking to whomever he's with about how they have two more flights. Neither he nor the person he was speaking to sound like they are in any kind of professional space - physically or mentally LOL. I mean, he sounded like he was with the homies.... IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN WORK DAY LOL. He says he will call me back when he gets upstairs. He doesn't but texts me later that night asking for sexy pics (nigga what? LOL). I ignore it and go to sleep. Next day he repeats the request and I'm like no, nigga, damn. A whole day later, you still think I didn't see when you asked me the first time? LOL FOH.

So fast forward to this morning. I'm up at like 6:30 and I have POF notifications so I go into the app. All the active conversations I have are sitting in my inbox and I see this pic of someone I KNOW I haven't been talking to. I'm like who the fuck is that? LOL I go into the message and it's our thread. WTF??? I don't know what prompted him to put them up, but I assume those are his real pics. He sounds a lot more like the guy in these pics - his personality did not at all match the flashy exterior of the other guy and if you know flashy guys, they are flashy through and through. So I get out of the app and sit here fuming, pondering what I should do. I watch enough Catfish, The TV Show to know the first order of business; find the guy in the pics.

So I run a couple google searches and can't find a match to any of the pics. Fake dude's POF profile didn't even come up so I was probably doing it wrong LOL. But I'm resourceful, y'all. Don't sleep. Dude is wearing the same clothing line in every single one of his pics. Even the most loyal label whores wear something else SOMETIME. Not this dude. I think this must be HIS line. I google it. BINGO. I find a YouTube commercial for the line from about a year ago. Definitely the right dude. He's a designer from Florida. And look, we not only have an email address but a phone number too! How convenient!

I decide I'm gonna tell the guy about the catfish. Maybe he'll do something, maybe he won't, but it's the right thing to do, especially since he's with his son in one of the pics this dude's using. I would feel super violated if it were me and remembering when I saw those pics way back, he's been doing this a long time. So I type up an email with all the background and go back to the profile so I can make note of the username. Now there are NO pics up. What the hell he doing now? Must be changing the pics again. I don't want to send the email until the pics are back up so he can actually see it for himself, so I continue my investigation on Facebook. Searching the clothing line again, I find dude's page. He really is quite good looking, I would definitely date him. Bummer. A few minutes later, the catfish has put up NEW pics of the guy in Florida and I decided to turn my email into a text, complete with screen shots of the pics I was sent.

*sent*

It's like 9am on a Saturday so I can imagine what was going through his mind reading this message from a total stranger, but he did thank me and confirmed that he lives in Florida and doesn't know who the dude is. I gave him the guy's username so he can look at it himself. I don't think he's even on POF but I guarantee you he is going to be talking about that text all day long and somebody he shares it with will gladly pull it up for him.

WTF is wrong with people? Isn't there like a cut-off age to being a catfish? LOL Who is still doing shit like this after 30? Guess I can be grateful this guy was just a fucken game-playing idiot and not something more sinister, but this is why I trust my instincts. This is also why I'm doing less and less dating online and more of catching my fish the old fashioned way.

Ain't y'all glad I go through this shit so you don't have to? You're welcome.

Insanity

Tonight, my son wasn't home when he was supposed to be. An hour after his curfew, I put dinner away as some kind of assertion that he didn't deserve for me to leave it out and ready for him when he couldn't respect my rules. An hour after that, I was worried and texting his girlfriend who said she hadn't seen him at all today but would text his friends to see what she could find out. Not long after, I learn he was with his best friend earlier, had eaten at his house and they had left together. It was a bit of a comfort to know they were together but his friend's mother was concerned as well, given the fact that neither of them have cell phones. Three hours past curfew, I am in such a panic that I'm ready to call the police. But I couldn't. The events of the past week had me so afraid for my black son's life, that I couldn't even bring myself to call the police in fear of my black son's safety. Thankfully, the Lord brought him home safely, just before 2 am, and after cursing him clean on out, I retired to my bedroom and cried.

I was honestly afraid that something might have happened to my child. He's missed curfew before, but not by this much, and it pained me to feel like the one recourse I know to resort to in this situation is one that I can't even trust right now. These senseless killings by officers of the law have me in a straight jacket. I would rather have my son taking his chances in the streets than send some cops out looking for him. There is a real problem here...

Nobody's Perfect

Sorry. Been busy getting my fucking life together LOL. But I had a funny moment a little while ago that sparked a thought process I thought might warrant some discussion.

My girlfriend emails me about this date she had on Friday. I was a little thrown because she had already said she didn't like the guy but she said she went out with him just to make sure her initial position wasn't taken in haste. Okay, I guess I get that. Long story short, her initial thoughts were confirmed but she left the date feeling a way about herself. At some point during the date, the guy asked her what took her so long to give him a chance and tells her that nobody's perfect, leaving her to question whether she was being too picky and expecting someone to be perfect.

a) There's nothing wrong with a little introspection - kudos for stopping to take a look at yourself.

b) Dude is absolutely right - nobody is perfect - but just because you're not gonna be perfect doesn't mean you shouldn't at least be fucking viable LOL.

Dudes kill me with that. That's one of those things sub-par muthafuckas say to mitigate their fuckboy-ness LOL Now you just superficial and shit cause you recognize somebody ain't checking quite enough boxes.... or any fucken boxes. Nobody's perfect. That means maybe your teeth might be a little crooked (I have a special place in my heart, personally, for crooked smiles), it DON'T mean the one in the front should be all the way brown LOL. That is not okay and it's not just about your tooth being brown. It's also about all the implications that come with your tooth being brown, like you don't take care of yourself. Like you lack ambition. Like you have low self-esteem. Some random dude's gonna read this and be like "how you get all that outta that?" Bruh LOL

Myself included, grown ass women who are after some real shit ain't just looking, we're seeing. We're understanding, granted, on a basic level, the correlation between how you present and who you likely are. Are we gonna get it right all the time? Nope. Are we gonna even catch every tell-tale sign? Nope. But the likelihood that you dodge a bullet behind something that screams "RUN!" is a lot higher than the likelihood of you missing your blessing. The older and wiser you get, the more you learn to trust your instincts. Nobody's perfect but let's not take that to the extreme of issuing passes for substandard individuals to come in and fuck up the church's money. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of superficial ass women out here who will pass on an otherwise decent guy just because he's not 6'4 or his car ain't shiny enough, just like there's dudes who will pass on an otherwise decent woman cause her ass ain't fat enough or she ain't a swimsuit model. But real grownups tend to have real reasons for rejecting you. You can be cute as hell, paid in full and USDA approved but still represent some shit someone doesn't want in their lives. And it's different for every one of us. We all - ALL, cause men reject women too - just have to accept that everything ain't for everybody and no matter what you believe you bring to the table, someone could prefer to order from a different menu.

Such is life.

That said, ladies, please stop letting that ticking clock have you out here dating like you need a fucken green card LOL. Be a little picky or something, damn. Take your time. You'll probably date a lot less but the quality will go through the roof. And if you wanna just date random guys, there's nothing wrong with that; just know you can't build with all of them. Some of these dudes ain't worth much more than that hour of your time to begin with, but I contend that even the temporary dude needs to check some boxes. Because all it takes is a slip up or some unforeseen circumstances for that dude to become a permanent fixture in your life. Think about it. Don't set yourself up LOL

The Closure Closet

A timely couple of pieces from a collection of my very conflicting feelings about closure.

Translation: Closure is just an illusion.

Keep your fucking closure.....

A Determined Absence

One of the scariest feelings is the sudden realization that the last conversation... encounter.... or moment you had with a key person in your life is going to be the last. You weren't ready, so panic sets in and that voice in your head screams "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" while your heart does a wall slide down to your stomach. You can relax; I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about divides.

I'm talking about blackouts.

I'm talking about the "next time" that never is.

The intent you never got a chance to parlay into action.

I'm talking about nothing ever really "happening" - no argument, no incident - but suddenly she's not returning your calls or maybe he's not responding to your texts.

I'm talking about treading water with all your might as not to drown in the limbo.... in the confusion.... in the "WTF"-ness.

And all you can do in the fog of unrequited love is to think back to that last conversation.... encounter.... or moment you had and try your hardest to sharpen the images enough to last just one more day. If only you had known, you'd have savored that time. You'd have kissed her. You'd have breathed in his cologne and fully melted into that goodbye hug. You'd have been so present in the moment, you'd surely never forget it. You'd have accepted the invitation you declined because you were tired. Or it was raining. You'd give anything for that one more memory to draw from. If only you had known. But you didn't. And we never do.

Nah. I'm not talking about death. But death would almost be easier. Death is explanatory. And final. Nothing happens next and we don't expect it to. Panic-stricken you has no clue .... and whatever happens next is likely happening with someone else. While you're still waiting for him or her to tell you why because, after all, it's the least they could do, right?

At least death brings closure. Where's yours?

Yours comes when you stop waiting for a response you'd have gotten by now if it were coming. Yours comes when you stop waiting for him or her to let you off the hook. Yours comes when you take what happens next out of their hands and you decide for yourself to move on. A determined absence is all the clarity you need.

Cash out.

#message

My own "crazy"

morning.... pretty uneventful evening. was in bed by 10. woke up like 3 am (im guessing) and i went to pee and saw lights under my bedroom door which meant that boy fell asleep on my damn couch after 800 times telling him to stop. i peed and went back to bed with a major attitude because i was telling myself i bet he didnt put the leftover food away or take the garbage out either. i was making myself so upset i could physically feel the stress building in my chest. so i told myself i have to think about something else. so i started thinking about sex lol. specifically i started thinking about how in the wide scope of things, most sex is really very average and lackluster. i came to that conclusion thinking about [guy 1] of course lol. and [guy 2]. and [guy 3]. but mainly [guy 1] lol. and that thought went to "damn, i havent seen him in 2 years." and that thought went to i miss him but im equally upset with him and i dont care anymore. then it went to [guy 4] - the guy i was supposed to meet up with tonight after work (freshman year at brockport guy). and how i texted him yesterday to see if tonight was still on and he didnt respond. and how im not gonna ask again and if he doesnt hit me, we just wont go. then i thought, if he does hit me, maybe i still wont go. maybe i've made other plans since i didnt hear back from him - or at least, that's what i should say. and suddenly i remembered the last time i was with him in the car, coming from dinner.... had to be almost 4 years ago now...... and i remember we fell out on that ride home. well.... more accurately, i remember him saying something that made me feel really angry.... but i couldnt remember what it was. idk if he said something about a gf..... or if i finally asked him what the deal was with us after all these years of it being the elephant in the room and i didnt like his response.... i really wish i could remember because now that i remember that happened, i remember it kinda being the reason i hadnt spoken to him in so long. i remember consciously NOT texting him happy birthday a couple years ago and rolling my eyes when i saw a linkedin update of his work anniversary or something...... but somehow over time, i've forgotten that incident and reached out a month or so ago, like i always did once or twice a year, and he said we need to get together when the weather warms up. and thats how tonight came about. but now i remember that night in the car and i wonder if he's forgotten too. i wonder if we can pretend it never happened..... of if i should do like i intended and just never speak to him again......

Dry

I feel like I been crying all damn weekend.

Yesterday morning, I received a text from a friend of mine who was expecting. I thought about her earlier in the week because I hadn't seen her on social media and I knew her due date was coming but it kept slipping my mind to call. The first thing I saw on the text was a picture of a baby's hand curled around both her and her boyfriend's pinkies. I immediately thought awwwwwww, how fucken cute! She had the baby! Then I read the text and became confused. What I thought I read was basically "our baby was born on [this] day at [this] time, weighing [this] much and measuring [this] many inches" but it ended with a request to keep her and her boyfriend in prayer and I was thrown. Wait.... what? Now it's not unheard of or even uncommon for someone to say that, but something about it was wrong. I had to read it several times before I understood... before I caught the words I had initially overlooked: "....was born into heaven...."

I cried so hard.

I cried because I know how long she had been wanting to have a baby. I cried because I watched the joy well up in her over the course of this gestation period - the pictures, the baby shower, the planning. I cried because she loved that baby so hard and was so looking forward to her arrival. I cried because she carried that baby all the way to term, birthed her, and had to let her go. I'm crying all over again just thinking about the pain she's had to be in for the last week and even more so today, on what should have been her first and very happy Mother's Day. I cried because for the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. More accurately, I knew there was nothing I COULD do. I'll ask you all to join to me in keeping this couple in prayer.

This morning, the midgets woke me up early like they do every Mother's Day to serve me breakfast in bed. I was about halfway through when my daughter came back in and sat on my bed asking how everything was. I told her everything was good and added, "You'll have to do this by yourself next year." She said, "yup," and 3 seconds later, I was in tears. It hit me quite suddenly; my baby boy is gonna be off to college soon. As crazy as he makes me these days, I don't know how I'm gonna deal with not seeing him every day, or every week even. How I'm gonna handle those nightly calls that soon become fewer and farther between. I know I have to cut the apron strings but it all seems to be coming so fast - even though I can still remember the days when I couldn't wait for this time to come. It's going to be a hard transition for me, but I'm going to try to be as excited for him as he is.

I'm sure that led to my next breakdown. His father hasn't spoken to him since that last incident a month and a half ago when I almost put him out. I got past it, but he didn't. I understand the issue, but it's hurtful to me at a time when I know the direction he needs can't come from me. I am not equipped to guide him into manhood. I can't relate on a personal level to what he's going through and what he's facing and because he's not a little kid anymore, he's quite aware of that. He doesn't have the same conversations with me that he has with his father. And it was in the middle of expressing that to him when he called me today that I found myself in tears again.

Now if you don't know anything about our relationship, know that I HATE showing anything to him that might come off as weakness. But as I was telling him how disappointed I was in the recent state of THEIR relationship, I didn't feel weak. I felt..... humbled. And somehow that humility gave way to his. For the first time, we spoke of our mutual fear of having done some things wrong where our son is concerned. It's okay - no parent does everything right - and we have raised a good kid, but I think there always comes a point when a parent feels a little guilty when things aren't unfolding quite the way they wanted them to. I just needed him to stop dwelling on what's already happened and start focusing on now and what's next. In the twist of all twists, he actually listened to me and agreed to fix it. Stand in the gap, Lord. #wonthedoit

So throw in Mommie Dearest, Mildred Pierce and both versions of Imitation of Life and yeah.... I been crying all damn weekend. But I did a lot of thinking too and I feel a lot clearer. I've done laundry, fed my babies, now all I need is a really good night's sleep and to not wake up to the death of Morgan Freeman and everything will be peach on the beach.

RIP Afeni Shakur

Maybe I need to stop getting online for non-work purposes when I'm at work. I swear it seems like every time I do, somebody else done died. 2016 ain't giving a single fuck about our feelings. Today we learned that Afeni Shakur [Davis], activist and beloved mother of hip hop legend, Tupac Shakur, passed away last night after what appeared to be cardiac arrest. She was 69. Tupac himself was gunned down in a drive-by shooting in 1996.

I'm sad to hear this news, but happy that 20 years later, this mother can finally be reunited with the son she very clearly loved and missed so very much. We wish you eternity.

#RIP

Hot Sauce

I wanted to wait until I got home to write today's post so I wouldn't be rushing, but then I came across this one. In many ways, it echoes my sentiments. Read it here:

http://www.lovebscott.com/news/piers-morgan-i-feel-uncomfortable-about-beyonce-using-grieving-mothers-to-sell-albums

My use of the word "overall" in my previous post was due to several things that didn't jive for me in the "Lemonade" piece. The inclusion of the mothers of recent victims of violence was a major one. I remember hearing a few weeks back that she was going to feature them in an upcoming video but when I saw that it was this project, it really didn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Like..... what's the correlation to even the bigger picture story here? I can't find one that isn't completely forced and this is one of the issues I have with Beyonce too. She somehow always finds a way lately to attach herself to something that's going on in the most synthetic way imaginable. While some see her as an activist, it comes off quite contrived and opportunistic to me. To a lesser extent, it's the problem I've always had with her; she never felt genuine.

But let's say she's an activist. Go activate LOL. Like physically go and show up and SAY something to the masses. Don't mask it in a song that creates a line you can straddle called art when convenient. Be seen actually DOING something other than cutting a check (although good look on those LOL) A supporter, maybe. Activist? No.

I actually have a lot of feelings about this project, as I said in the first post the other day. Most positive, but some not so much. The grieving mothers thing didn't sit well with me at all, so I'm glad I'm not the only one who was thrown by it, even if my constituents are the likes of Piers Morgan - Sheesh LOL. But even assholes make good points sometimes. *shrugs*

The most positive thing I can say about "Lemonade" apart from that I really liked it (which, if you know me, is a huge compliment) is that if nothing else, it started conversations. Yes, most began with her - about her - but my timeline last night was full of really deep banter among men and women of all kinds of backgrounds. They were discussing everything from the perception of the black woman to cheating to ... sheesh, everything. There were some really strong opinions thrown out there from all positions and some of those conversations got really intense, but at the end of the day, there can be no growth without exploration. In order to progress, we must have these conversations, and positive or negative, I think that's the most IMPORTANT thing this project achieved.

See, Bey? Now we're getting somewhere.

Lemonade, Not Tea

Honey! *Slaps the air* Lemonade tryna to put tea outta business, girl LOL.

Okay so first of all, let's acknowledge that seeing just the two videos I saw pre-post COMPLETELY tainted my perspective LOL. After watching the whole video, I received a totally different message. I took it upon myself to watch the full hour-long video online yesterday and then actually watch the re-air of the HBO special last night. Let me tell you though, I NEEDED to watch it both times cause Yonce' kinda lost me in a couple places the first time; fool me twice LOL.

Now I'm at work and I got shit to do so I ain't gonna get all philosophical and what not.... at least not a lot LOL.... but I will go on record to say that I was actually pretty impressed with the special. I was. A lot could still be left to interpretation - as with most art - but I think when you take a step back and look from a wider lens, you realize much of her point was that everything is a cycle and breaking said cycle is a CHOICE. Leaving is a CHOICE. Forgiveness is a CHOICE. Staying and putting in the work is a CHOICE. I think she was also saying it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to feel different today than you did yesterday. Sidebar: I think that's okay too, and that's the number one reason I don't believe in running and telling all your friends about some shit that's gone down. You gonna get all these damn opinions, all this "fuck that nigga" fanfare and when you finally settle down and come to that place in the dark, you're gonna feel even more conflicted because of the pressure to do the thing you don't wanna do anymore. Now you dont wanna look stupid to everybody. But you would never be in that place if you wore your own welts. Just saying.

Anyway, I gotta go, but I wanted to take a minute to give Bey props on the overall special. While I definitely think she was doing too much at points (I mean, Bey, come on, the majority of your fan base is NOT this deep LOL) I think it was beautifully done and I would not be surprised if she won some sort of award for it.

Beyonce's Lemonade

Some of y'all are probably gonna feel a way about this post, but this my house, so in true "Lemonade" spirit, #NOFXGIVEN. Don't get comfortable "other folks" because some of y'all might feel a way by the end of this too. This is gonna be all over the place. Please see previous disclaimer.

One of our last living musical legends has died, been autopsied, cremated and memorialized all in a span of 3 days. Before dove tears could dry, Beyonce has dropped her sixth album, entitled "Lemonade", complete with HBO special, which aired last night. Prince fans were already shorted time to grieve by the speed of all these arrangements and now this heffa once again has the internet all abuzz. I know programming had already been set in advance, but I'm still salty about the timing. That said, it has provided an oddly welcomed distraction from my feelings, so.... I'm gonna go on ahead and drink the Kool-Aid.

Now if you can't tell by now, I ain't really here for Bey - not 2016 Bey, anyway. I loved Destiny's Child and I was a modest fan of her earlier solo work as well. All this new-age ratchetness she's fallen into has left a bad taste in my mouth. The things she's done, the level she has reached in her career; why you rolling around on the floor with platinum grills on? Why you still out here in next to nothing, grinding and twerking? Don't get me wrong, she is at a level where she can absolutely do whatever the fuck she wants, but it annoys me that the things she chooses to do are things them young starter bitches gotta do to get on. You don't have to do that so I question why she chooses to. That said, Partition bangs. It is what it is.

I didn't catch the HBO special last night, but my Facebook timeline was flooded with a double video from the album this morning. In the video, Bey merges two songs (Don't Hurt Yourself and I think the other is I Aint Sorry) about being fed up with a cheating husband. Now we don't know for sure this is about her and Jay-Z, but we can speculate that it is based on recent occurrences. If you've been under a rock somewhere for the past couple years, allow me to fill you in:

- Most eyebrows first started to raise when Bey's sister, Solange, was caught on video going OFF in an elevator, trying to fight Jay-Z during a gala at, I think, the Met. Speculation then was that the altercation was as a result of Solange standing up for her sister. We didn't know right away what that was about, but most came to the conclusion that it had something to do with a woman Jay was being far too friendly with. Some speculated it was Rihanna initially, who was also at the event, but later sources indicated that it was fashion designer Rachel Roy.

- Last month, it was reported that Beyonce showed up to a party given for Kelly Rowland, upset. She allegedly began drinking like a fish and crying, saying she wanted a divorce. Sources said her mother pulled her aside, essentially told her to get her shit together, and Beyonce recanted to the group, saying she was just joking.

A few other things supposedly occurred that made people wonder what was really going on behind closed doors with the couple, but these are the two major incidents that fueled the "trouble in paradise" fire. Fast forward to this video and she seems to be confirming that all may not be well in the Carter home. Among other things, Bey seems to be saying that Jay is a liar who comes home all times of night and she's had enough of his shenanigans, as evident in the statement, "You try this shit again, you gon lose your wife," followed by a taunting toss of her ring into the camera. In the second part of the video, which co-stars Serena Williams, Bey repeats, "I ain't sorry," and "I ain't thinking bout you." She also states she and her baby gonna be alright and ends the song with, "You better call Becky with the good hair."

*pause* ................. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sorry, I lost my whole entire shit on that part LOL.

As reported on fan favorite B. Scott's blog, "Becky with the good hair" appears to be Rachel Roy. Rachel so much as confirmed this when she started sneak-dissing on Twitter, posting: “Good hair don’t care, but we will take good lighting, for selfies, or self truths, always. live in the light #nodramaqueens.” Definite #rookiemove but the fact that she even did this would cause one to believe that this has been an ongoing issue, and/or something else happened more recently for her to assume the song was about her (No Carlie Simon). You can read the B. Scott story here (cut and paste): http://www.lovebscott.com/news/the-other-woman-rachel-roy-just-outed-herself-as-becky-with-the-good-hair-in-beyonces-lemonade-photo

Now again, I don't know if this is really about Beyonce and Jay-Z, but assuming it is, I had a whole lotta feelings about all of this. Most I'll save for another blog but I will say this much....

On the one hand, after the third run of this video, I wanted to applaud Beyonce for standing up for herself on some "I don't need you, nigga" shit and seemingly harnessing her power, but I couldn't help but cringe a little at the fact that she vented in this manner. Not even necessarily because she is putting all her business in the street, but because it pretty much made void all the years she and her camp put into being super private. It seemed painfully counterproductive. That said, one could also argue that she's taking back control of her life, finally not afraid to speak her truth and is done protecting HIS image. But let's talk about his image.

Many of us were surprised to learn that she had married Jay-Z. He's like the epitome of "You sure?" LOL Because it makes total sense from the Jay-Z perspective but not so much from hers. With him you got the "Get me a good girl who has her own so she won't be after mine and because she is naive, she'll be 'crazy in love' and she will want to believe that I would never do these things." I ain't saying that's what he was thinking but.... a lot of us thought that is what he was thinking LOL. I say that to say Jay-Z was kind of a bad boy. And he's not fucken ASAP Rocky, he's Jay muthafucken Z, legendary hip hop entrepreneur extraordinaire. He did shit that it wouldn't stand to reason to most of us that he would stop doing, i.e. fuck bitches LOL. I will admit, he did give off the perception of the stand-up guy for a LONG time. I was very proud of the power couple they became and even prouder of the lack of scandal that surrounded them for so long. When all this stuff started spewing out from every social orifice, it was like.... it was bound to happen eventually. Not because all men cheat, but because ain't shit niggas ain't shit LOL.

Let's not act like we forgot all the Jay-Z antics of the 90's. Let's never forget all the OPP Jay-Z was attached to. Let me remind you that Rachel Roy was engaged to his one-time business partner and BFF, Dame Dash. I don't think a lot of us believe this alleged affair hasn't been going on since way back then. I surely don't.

I don't want this album to be art imitating life because I love Jay-Z and I want to believe he's grown up. But "Big Homie need to grow up" doesn't give me much hope.

For those of you, like me, who missed "Lemonade" last night, it will be airing on HBO again tonight at 8pm. If you don't have HBO, no worries. HBO is running a free trial weekend right now so you'll be able to tune in too. OR, I did find the full video after watching these two. You can catch it on my Facebook page right now.... til somebody shuts me down.

Why we still here?

It's 3 p.m. and I'm in the office saucy as hell LOL.

It's not my fault, like at all. My plan for lunch was shoe shopping. Nothing major, just a run to replace some simple loafers I feel have run their course. But noooooo. 83 degrees on a Friday and somebody has the bright idea that we should do team lunch in the park. Chipotle, no less (I kinda hate Chipotle) but I'm a team player. I did try to get lunch from another place nearby but that was a failed mission so I settled for Chipotle. Got soft tacos this time instead of that rice bowl bullshit. I still hated it but it was better. I think maybe I dont like the rice and stuff. Hell, I didnt like the chicken either so.... anyway, we lucked up and got a primo table in the park. Early-out hints started dropping left and right. Boss wasn't having it but he did buy us a pitcher of margaritas when we were done eating. I don't know how he thought that was a good idea. Ain't nobody gonna be productive after that LOL. I'm so buzzed, I can barely keep my eyes open. Then half the office was gone when we got back so you know them hints started dropping again. He hasn't said anything but I'm hoping when he's done shitting (cause I know that's what he doing after that big ass burrito LOL) he'll just call the day. I mean, they over here betting each other $20 somebody cant name the first 20 states in alphabetical order.

Clearly nobody's working. ....

Why we still here?

Fucked up

This shit don't even seem real, man. When Mike died, there were a couple things in play that made me feel the way I felt, not the least of which being that he was my dude like that. The circumstances, the timing, it was the hardest loss I could take outside of actual family or close friends. But with Prince.... where the hell did this shit come from? I can't even front; I thought of Prince like a vampire. He didn't fucken age, he didn't lose a damn beat in all these years, and I just didn't think of him dying like EVER. Of all the people I thought we might be mourning this year, he wasn't even a mention. Now he's dead? This shit is trippy. It feels like a bad movie where somebody is supposed to be dead but they aren't and they show up at the end of the movie just wanting to see who would care. Like Deliver Us From Eva or some shit. It still does not feel real to me. But I know it is, and I know there is more to the story - and that emergency plane landing last week - than what we have heard. 48 minutes from their destination and they have to do an emergency landing? I would bet he had an [epileptic] seizure on the plane. Either that or he had an episode of some sort, passed out, lost consciousness, and they didn't know what to do. The flu ain't bringing down no plane 48 minutes from their destination. I need to know.

I was supposed to go to a happy hour after work today but one of the main people I was going there to catch up with wasn't going to make it, so I bailed. I found myself basically wandering aimlessly through the streets of Manhattan, not quite ready to go home, but with no other direction in the state of mind I was in. I eventually made my way toward Port Authority and who do I see? Fine ass Lamman Rucker. I noticed him doing something on his phone outside the subway station near Bryant Park, with a chick so regular, she had to be like his cousin or something. I watched him for a minute as I got closer and just as I passed him, he looked me in the eye. Lamman Rucker has SEEN MY FACE so he knows I exist and I couldn't even enjoy that shit, man.

i'm just sitting here watching Prince videos, happy these music networks are stopping and dropping everything to pay tribute to this man, but mourning the loss of genius we will never again see in our lifetime. Rest in purple, Prince. The doves are indeed crying tonight....

R.I.P. Prince Rogers Nelson

I don't understand why.... or rather HOW.... this keeps happening. All our legendary, record-breaking musical icons gone at such young ages. Yes, in some cases, drugs abuse factored in but it doesn't explain away stuff like this. Granted, we don't yet know the official cause of death, but I think it's safe to say that nobody expected this. I, for one, am crushed by this news and taken back to the moment seven years ago (damn) when I learned Michael Jackson had died. My entire world world stopped then and while I'm not curled up in a ball on the floor, crying my eyes out today, everything around me is moving quite a bit slower. All my senses heightened and I'm uber aware of my surroundings. I'm like.... submerged in this moment. I really just can't believe it.

Dammit, man..... my top 3 of all-time are officially gone. ALL of them. SMH.

Rest in peace, Prince.

Military Men

I know this is a really random thought but I'm not dating any more military men either. Military men are some of the biggest liars on the planet next to politicians and fucken Aries men LOL. I had that thought over the weekend while I was sick and laid up, watching Investigation Discovery. This dude was telling his girlfriend he was deploying OVERSEAS like every 4-8 weeks and only being gone like 2-6 weeks. These are back-to-back deployments. Now I ain't never been in the military myself but I have been close enough to some of those who have to know that's not how it works. The shitty part is that a lot of women don't and these guys play on that ignorance, coupled with your admiration of their bravery and courage and all that other shiny shit those fatigues come with. We'll sit there chatting them up to our friends like they are so fucken noble - "Oh he's over in Afghanistan right now..."

Mannnnn, that nigga in Toledo with his other family, LMAO!

Just let it marinate...

Slowing Down

I been trying to write this damn blog for bout 4 days now. Every time I would start it, something would interrupt me and then I would never get back around to finishing it. I would come back with every intention of doing so, but then I would no longer be in the spirit of which I was at the time and just start over with something else. And repeat.

Having said that, there really is no way I could have come back and not started over on any of those days. The last four days, I've probably gone through every emotion, every state of mind, every thought process..... and if we take it back a full week, forget about it. It's been quite the roller coaster lately. I'm in a good place now but I definitely was feeling like the world was just spinning way too fast. Then I realized it wasn't the world, it was me. Going 100 miles a minute, EVERY minute, just going, going, going not despite but BECAUSE so much was going on around me. The closer it came to home, the more winded I got until finally I couldn't go anymore. So now I'm in this place of "stop" and for how long is anybody's guess, but I know it's necessary. My keys on the counter though. Soon as God gives the head nod, you know I'm gone again LOL.

But for now, we rest.

Morning Thoughts

I think I want an older man. I think I NEED an older man actually, but I think I want one too. One still holding onto his youth though, I ain't checking for Grady LOL. Picturing something like 52, from Harlem (so he's cultured LOL), with a salt and pepper beard, a couple coins and a mean two-step LOL.

Dang, that sound like Frankie Beverly LOL

And then!

THEN you respond to my "Where did that come from?" with "Ok" to which my internal response was "What the fuck does that mean?" but my actual response was just "?".... and you follow with "Wish you would come to see me this weekend."

*staring into the camera*

I've known you a week. In that week, we have discussed SEVERAL times how I will not be going all the way to fucken Poughkeepsie to see you ANY time soon, for very simple reasons. 1, I don't know you like that yet. 2, I know ZERO about Poughkeepsie and since you've only recently moved there, neither do you. You couldn't even direct me if I got lost. And 3, you drive, I don't. It just makes more sense that if someone was going to make a trip, it should be the person with the car. Not to mention, you're the man, and I personally feel as though a man should be less eager to put a woman in such a situation as to make a 2 hour + trip on a train to somewhere she isn't familiar because you're scared to drive in or through the city and you "don't use GPS".

We've been over this. We JUST talked about this the night before and I was clear. So after assuming that I had lost interest because I was busy doing other shit yesterday, you think the cool thing to do would be to underscore your Rochester nature with yet another example of you not getting it, suggesting I should do something I have already stated in no uncertain terms that I was not going to do. Mm.

I'm gonna go on ahead and STILL not reply that text OR the follow up that I'm sure is coming, stating once again that you guess I'm not interested. Good guess.

Ugh

"Well I guess you lost interest." Yup. Just now.

We spoke last night. We sent good morning texts. I didn't say anything else all day because I was WORKING and dealing with life. Now I have the pleasure of your menstrual all up in my inbox because you didn't say anything else either? #icant I did respond "Where did that come from?" but quite honestly, I don't care. I cannot stand emotional for nothing ass dudes. I knew he was the type when he told me in our very first conversation how lonely he gets. We all get lonely, don't get me wrong, but when this is one of the first things you offer up, it tells a person that it's in the forefront of your life and your focus is on trying to not being lonely anymore. That's fine, but I'm probably not the woman you wanna choose as the remedy. I'm not "looking" for somebody. I'm chilling until I come across someone that makes me feel like I don't wanna chill no more. You may be cute and we may talk as if we have known each other for years but... we haven't. We still have to get to know each other and I still have to decide if you're somebody I can see myself with. Unfortunately, you have not really cut the mustard, so you being all in your feelings right now is just plain unattractive. Especially since I was already on the fence with you. Thanks for not wasting the next six weeks of my life.

RIP Phife Dawg

No conversation about 90's hip hop would be complete without mention of A Tribe Called Quest. Founding member, Phife Dawg aka The Five Footer, passed away today from complications caused by diabetes.

#checktherhime on loop. Respect. #RIP

Mood:

"I'm on a pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it
I'll be good..."

- Kid Cudi

40: Success!

Good evening, good evening, people! We have finally come to day 40 and I have successfully completed my Lent commitment of blogging for 40 days straight. Of course, there were a couple of days that I was either too busy, too exhausted, or too SOMETHING to post, but I think I was pretty good about pulling doubles the day after. I'm proud of myself. Yall don't even know - there were a couple of nights I had to force myself to pull out this laptop and post and I would post any damn thing just to keep my commitment, but I did it.

Now don't worry - I'm not gonna stop posting just because the 40 days are done, but on those nights I just ain't got it, or don't really have anything to say, then.... well. But I do need to get better at keeping current so I will commit to doing that. Besides, it's spring, I'm out here, and I'm sure there will be a lot to talk about.

Thanks for bearing with me on the slow nights and for the texts and emails on the good ones. Now if you all will excuse me, the foolishness that is Real Housewives of Potomac is on and I need something to roll my eyes at LOL.

I'm out.

39: The Family Tussin

I've come to the conclusion that my mama thinks I'm the family "tussin" LOL. I'm seriously gonna find me a couple t-shirts online that say that across the front: Tussin. Every time - I mean, EVERY SINGLE TIME - anything happens with this family, she expects me to make calls and have sit-downs. "Talk to your cousin and..." "Just call your sister and...." And now I'm the damn nephew whisperer LOL.

I get that this seems to be kind of my lot in life, but she don't know that LOL. She don't know I have this blog, or that people call me all times of night with the most random situations or run stuff by me in the middle of a run-of-the-mill game of Words With Friends. And I gotta tell ya - I've talked to a lotta people in this family and I really can't say those talks have yielded very many results. At least as far as I can see. If ya ask me, the trick to my effectiveness is NOT being related to the muthafucka on the couch LOL.

But either those talks have an impact and I just don't see it because I'm not there, or she might just be grooming me to take her place as matriarch of this family. Maybe it's a little bit of both.

Damn. That moment something doesn't hit you until you see the words hit the screen.......

38: Gardner Chambers, #RIP

Found out about an hour ago that a childhood friend of mine passed away last night. Not sure how, still waiting for his brother to get back to me, but it's got me kind of messed up. He was just a couple years older than me. He was my upstairs neighbor when I first moved to Rochester and was actually the first boy I ever made out with. We weren't close in our adult life or anything, really just Facebook friends, but this shit is just kinda trippy. People out here dying left and right, man. Left and right. YOUNG. It might intensify once I find out what actually happened, but as it is, it's got me thinking about my own mortality.

What will people remember about me? What do I remember about him? I remember he was mad cool. He was fast as fuck! I can still see his pigeon-toed slave feet running quick as a bitch across the courtyard, racing anybody willing to get dusted. He wasn't much of a looker, I'll admit, but he had such a jovial spirit, a great sense of humor. I took to him immediately. He started out one of my "big brothers" along with his actual brothers who were all really close with my family at the time. In fact, us making out was kind of the beginning of the end. Not long after that, his older brother got locked up for murder - 30 years - and shortly after that, the family moved away. We all reconnected on Facebook a few years ago.

Sigh.

I really want to know how he died. I don't know why it matters, but it kinda does. I think it's crucial to the closure. He's a part of my tapestry and since every thread has an impact, I need to know how this happened. For now, I will simply grieve his exit of this earth and reminisce on the crazy times we had back in the day. I pray peace for his family and his soul.

Rest in heaven, Gardner.


****Update****

No word still from the brother but I think I know why..... I googled it and found that he and his wife were both killed, an apparent murder-suicide; that he shot her and then himself. They were apparently separated at the time, apparently behind some charges of him having sexually abused one of their children, according to a comment posted on the article.

Wow. Just..... wow.

37: March Madness

Today was the most ridiculous day ever lol. My boss is gone for 10 days so I already knew there would be shenanigans but my team is just..... again, ridiculous lol.

A couple folks were about 15 minutes late but generally came in around the time they should. How much actual work got done? Just above the level of none lol. At least 30 minutes this morning was spent filling in March Madness brackets, and then by 12:30 we were at the bar with another team whose manager was out. When we came back to the office, it was all jokes for the rest of the afternoon. 3 people actually left AGAIN to go to another bar for about an hour. Tomorrow being Friday, I can only imagine. There are already plans to go out after work. One dude had a rehearsal dinner tonight, so I would be surprised if he came in before 10, if at all.

Big win though - I got my baby her college sweatshirt. Went all the way to NYU to get it, AND it was on sale. FOR THE WIN! Polished off that BEST MOM EVER trophy when I got home. #Undefeated #BOOYAH

36: Mom's Home

My mom is home from the hospital today. Had to lightweight threaten her to get to stay in the bed and not be trying to do laundry and all kinda shit she ain't got no business trying to do, but if she knows like I know, she will sit her ass down. Gotta make a trip soon to make sure she's okay. She drives me nuts but I love that woman to pieces and I honestly can't imagine what life will be like without her. I know one day I will have to figure it out but.... she not about to be daylight savings time, robbing me of hours and shit. That said, I recognize she's not in the best health - nothing terminal, but it could very well be the death of her if she doesn't take care of herself. To the best of my ability, I'm gonna make sure her eventual ride outta here ain't no easy win....

35: The NCAA can kiss my ass LOL

This little girl tells me on Sunday she needs a college sweatshirt. I know from time to time they have theme days at school so I figured that was what it was for. I'm like cool, go online and find one, we'll order it. She goes online, picks one out and I go to order it. Delivery dates are March 16-23 or something like that, with the expedited shipping being somewhere between the 16th-20th. Okay, so when you need it by? Thursday. *looks at watch* It's Sunday! LOL Why you just now telling me? *shrugs* Well I don't know about nobody else but I'm not paying a grip for expedited shipping with a window. I want a guaranteed "March 16th" or it's not worth it. I pay it, it don't get here til Thursday or Friday, then I'm just the idiot round here banking on FedEx. No ma'am.

So yesterday was a doozy of a day and I really wasn't trying to deal with life at all, so I came straight home. Today I figure, okay, let me go out and try to find this girl a sweatshirt. To put it into perspective, I get off at 5. It's 8:00. I'm JUST getting home. I legit looked fucken everywhere but nobody carried any kind of college shirts. It didn't need to be a sports team but you would think that would be the easiest to find, right? Footlocker, Modell's, somebody? Nope. Most stores only carried brands (Nike, etc). Modell's had team stuff but only professional. Wait, I'm lying; they did have a couple college basketball jerseys..... for $75. Hell to the no. Sorry, not sorry. I guess I have tomorrow to try some other things - maybe I can drop in a BMCC or something and see if they have shirts for sale. Can't hurt to check, but today, I couldn't wait to get in this house. I feel like I walked the whole damn Oregon Trail. Get home, sit down, turn on the TV and what's the first thing I see? NCAA Basketball Tournament.

*staring into the camera*

Turn this gotdamn TV off! LOL

34: Rough Day

Today was trying. Very trying.

My son was home with the flu.

My sister had been in the ER twice in the last week with a 200+ over whatever that day blood pressure.

And my mother has been in the hospital since last night.

I spent all morning on conference calls, dipping to the bathroom with my headset on, to cry in private. It was just a lot. I just spoke to my mom who has been on a morphine drip all day. You can imagine. But she sounds like she is managing. We're going to check in tomorrow.

I just...... sighhhhhhhh..... I cant. Have a good night, everybody.

33: Sunday Again

Finally sat down with this new phone today and transferred everything over except my pictures. I hadn't backed those up prior and when I got to that, the old phone kept freezing up so ya know.... maybe I'll leave them where they are and just start fresh. I swear when it comes to things you don't want to even think about, for me, it's right up there with moving and cleaning the stove LOL. It's not so much the functionality that gets you, it just takes soooo much time to get everything the way you want it. But I think I have it just about right now.

Have I recovered from my 3 back-to-back nights on the town? Mmmmm...... I guess. I could definitely use another day, especially since we lost an hour last night, but I think I'm okay. I don't think I'll be doing anything else anytime soon though, at least not for the next couple of weeks. I have some other things I want to focus on and since I did my taxes and owe Uncle Sam half a rack, I probably don't need to be spending money unnecessarily. Bastards. I'm so jealous of all the people out there with the $12,000 refunds LOL. But I mean, I have 2 kids and I NEVER got refunds like that even when they were small and I had deductible childcare expenses and what not. I don't understand it. I've owed nominal amounts for the last few years so I expected to owe again but I definitely owe more this year than I ever did. Once your kid turns 17, you no longer get the child tax credit for them so.... yeah. All good though. I prefer to get more in my checks during the year than in a one-time refund. This is just the other side of that coin. Whatever.

Since I didn't do anything else productive this weekend besides take care of my sick 18-year old (who should be nominated for the Academy Award for best performance in a "I'm gon die" drama LOL), I guess I will just lay right back down in this bed and watch these ratchets til I fall out. Hope y'all had a good weekend, I will see ya on the flip side....

32: Naps are awesome

Saturday naps are sooooo underrated. I don't take many weekend afternoon naps simply because I can never stay sleep for more than ten minutes, but today, I got a good hour and a half and it was soooooo good, and much needed. Prior to that, I had the lobster ravioli that's been chilling in my freezer and OMG, THAT was so good, it's no wonder I ended up passed out a half hour later. If you see them at Sam's Club, do yourself a favor and get some. Sooooo good.

Can't say I was very productive today but I have a whole nother day tomorrow to make up for it, even though we're losing an hour. I just wonder whose idea it was to start daylight's saving time on a Saturday night. Why not on a Friday night so you have another day to make the adjustment before you have to go back to work? I swear people don't think things through.

On another note, out of the woodwork yesterday comes this guy who I know from upstate. Suddenly he's "I'm trying to see what's up" and I'm like why? LOL I really tried not to sound disgusted, because there was a time I really was interested in the guy, but you only got about 5 minutes to act like you got better shit to do before I'm gonna step aside and let you go do it. He hit me up out the blue and said he had just been thinking. I didn't even bother to ask what he had been thinking about because I knew it was some bullshit. I just said okay to his request to get to know me better and then proceeded as if the conversation never happened. I need these dudes to realize I'm a lazy bitch with no fucks to give about their sudden interests that can't be validated. I will exert exactly ZERO energy to their cause. I got a new phone 4 days ago and haven't even bothered to make the transition yet because it's too much work. You think I give a shit about your sudden feelings? Ima need you to take a Saturday afternoon nap and wake up with better shit to do. Please and thank you.

31: I need my bed.....

I just spent the last two hours of my life with Kenny Anderson. I wanted so badly to ask about Tammy Roman but I thought that would be the most basic shit on earth to do LOL. Didn't really care that much about what the story was and honestly, didn't really care that much about Kenny either. He's cool but if I can be frank, a little boring, at least tonight. He came off like he expected people to know who he was and either ask him a bunch of questions or be all groupied out. If you know me, you know I'm too lazy for that shit LOL. There's like 2 people on earth right now I would be star struck about and unfortunately for Kenny, he is not one of them. To his credit, he never came out and asked me anything inappropriate or insinuated that he had any expectation. That said, I was kinda annoyed that he kept touching my hair and calling me sweetie and when my feet hurt on top of that...... nigga LOL. I had to hit a dip on both him and the girl I was there with like yo.... soooooo.... I'm tired. Bye LOL.

The girl I was with was someone I met at the third event I booked myself for this week. It was like a pool (as in billiards) party in Flat Iron and she was on my team. When it ended, we hit a couple other spots in the area and Kenny was at the last one. Whatever to Kenny but the chick was actually pretty cool and we'll probably hang out sometime, but all I could think about when I was leaving there was changing my shoes and hoping there was pizza left at the house when I got home. I was in luck. Microwaved a couple slices, hopped in the shower, now I'm knocking out this blog and looking sooooooo forward to going to sleep. This week has been fun but it has worn my ass out. She talking about painting with wine (or whatever that shit is called) on Sunday but I can't make no promises. I am exhausted. It might be Sunday when I wake up LOL.

But it was definitely a good week and I want to have more weeks like this. Maybe just not 3 days back to back. I need some Epsom salt and hot rocks right now. Ooooh.... there's an idea......