Tending the Garden

Wow, October 7th was my last post? Sheesh! But I mean, I was busy sucking at life so..... LOL.

That's probably not an accurate summation because all things considered, I could be a lot worse off, but it has definitely been a stressful few months. It took me about two weeks to process the conversation with my father and when I finally got around to blogging about it, I couldn't find the words to accurately convey my feelings. Suffice it to say that I got exactly what one should expect from a man who would go 20-some-odd years without speaking to his child and the expectation of anything greater was simply naïve and wishful thinking. That said, the door remains open and he has been informed that he should feel free to call whenever he feels compelled to do so. We have had 2 markedly shorter and equally empty conversations since the first, which on some level might be labeled progress, but any bright ideas formerly held in regard to going to see him in Detroit no longer exist. That is all I have to say about that.

I've walked off my job 3 different times since my last post and seriously considered each time never going back, but the family I am responsible for feeding and providing shelter for did not allow that course of action. I spent a few legitimate days "sick" after a panic attack I had in the office but things have since leveled out, or I should say, returned to its NORMAL level of bullshit. I am actively looking for another gig now (finally) so I hope to be making a move early in the new year, despite being put back into the management position that was pulled out from under me back in July (uh huh). I'm happy to make more money while I'm here, sir, of course I will accept your kind offer in lieu of an apology...... *eye roll*...... but trust and believe this changes NOTHING.

Safe to say I've been lightweight depressed for a little while now but it didn't present in the recognizable ways so I was unaware until very recently. Until the last few days, I haven't been speaking to ANYONE [offline] except the two little people who live in my house. It was like some kinda self-imposed - but subconscious - real world blackout. Even the online interactions were minimal. In hindsight, I think part of me didn't want to have to explain what was (and wasn't) going on in my life, but I'm really not one to do that anyway, so it was an irrational response. Another part of me didn't want to be "the doctor" anymore; I didn't want to hear about anybody's shit because I was going through my own BUT also didn't want to talk about it - inherent conflict. I was also feeling frail and naked and unworthy and invisible and a whole host of other foreign feelings that made me supremely uncomfortable. In that discomfort, I fell apart and so did just about everything else. Then last week an opportunity [at work] came my way and I DECIDED I was going to put 110% into making it happen and you know what? I did. And for the first time in a long time, I could see daylight. I still have some weeding and sprucing to do tending this here garden, but I can see... DAYLIGHT. I wanna do things again. I wanna go places, I wanna meet people, I wanna reconnect with the world.... but maybe not all at once LOL. Let me take these baby steps and get all the way back to me.... and then I'll get back to you.