Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby?

I asked someone recently to tell me why the last few relationships or situations they had been in hadn't worked out, without saying it was the other person's fault.  They said, "But it was their fault."  I said, "Overtly, yes, but we always play some role in how things play out, so think about what you could have done differently."  Their answer is unimportant - in fact, I can't even remember what it was at the moment - but I thought that maybe I should ask this question of myself.

MY response took some thought but in the end I realized that there had been a recurring theme:

I had allowed myself to drown in the uncertainty of men who couldn't decide if I was worth saving.

Why were they uncertain?  I will probably never know, but I do know that often times, I, myself, was uncertain.  What I've come to realize also is that women, in general, are much more likely to move forward in their uncertainty, just trusting that things are going to work out however they're supposed to and suffering the consequences when they don't.  The mere possibility of the thing means that much to them.  Most men are very different in that they can't move forward if they are unsure.  The trouble is, most of them don't back away either and as long as it's not a clear "no," women will press on, and they will let us.  But not a "no" is not "yes" and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that the middle of the road is the absolutely worst place to be in these situations.  

I do believe that things tend to work out the way they are supposed to, but we don't have to be knee-deep in situations in order for that to happen.  If we're really looking for it, much of the surety comes on the fringes - before we fully invest - and things occur while we're fleshing out a situation that eventually make us confident in taking next steps or tell us to run.  There is still no guarantee, if you move forward, that it's going to go the way you want, but you'll at least be walking into a much more predictable situation because you at least know where YOU stand.  That's half the battle - the half we often lose.

We all want to be loved and it's hard when the one we think we want that love from won't or can't give it to us.  But don't you want that love to be given freely from someone who wants to give it TO YOU?  There isn't a lot we can do to make someone sure of us and I don't believe we should try.  That person may not even know what it is about us that they can't past, but if they need convincing.... that's your surety.  Move on.  And if you find it difficult to do so, ask yourself why.  330 million people in this country alone and you are hell-bent on the one who doesn't want you.  "But Dig, it's not that he doesn't want me, he just [insert delusion here]."  Girl.  He either wants you or he doesn't, and unsure IS a no BECAUSE you can't move forward under those terms.  "I don't know" is an answer, even if it isn't the answer you want.  I know it's hard - hell, I stuck around in a few situations much longer than I should have because I thought someone just needed time - but that's the thing about growth;  I don't do that anymore.  I won't.  I can't.  But it's just as hard to be caught in the middle of someone else's indecisiveness.  It's all hard.  I prefer the "hard" that puts me in a position to move forward, even if it's by myself.