Friday, May 30, 2014

Friday Follies

Its been 3 days since I went on that date that I got home so late from and I have not been able to re up on that rest YET. Im so damn tired, I have no idea why the hell Im in here but since I am, I might as well tell yall about my day LOL.

I had the funniest moment on the train this morning. You know how Latinos have a habit of speaking Spanglish - incorporating English phrases in the middle of a Spanish sentence? I thought they were the only people who did that until I found myself sitting next to some Israeli chick who was talking to her friend sitting across from us. I was listening to my Pandora so I thought I was hearing things at first but in the short pause between one song ending and another beginning, I heard it loud and clear: "something, something, something - locked the car with the keys inside - something, something, something" .... I was like what? LOL I was just confused at first until I looked over at another woman who musta heard the same shit I did. She looked up from her kindle and the look on her face was priceless, I couldn't even hold the laughter LOL. Im giggling all over again just thinking about it and Im too tired to be laughing, this is some bullshit LOL.

Then there was the re-re in the line at McDonalds acting like she never been there before. Lady, Im just tryna get some coffee. If you don't pull recall in 3-2-1, we gonna have a problem. Luckily, another register freed up before I found myself in a moment. Got to work just in time for the office gossip about a girl I like slapping a girl I don't like; all better LOL.

A few of us did a group lunch at a crowd fave and I had 3 (count em, THREE) glasses of wine at said lunch. Needless to say there was zero work getting done for the rest of the afternoon. But who am I kidding? I aint really do shit all day, and neither did anybody else so whatever. Looking at our team board, I was in the best position of everybody so I was the last person to give a shit.

I was supposed to meet a few of my coworkers at this place near Union Square for someone's wife's going away party (she was leaving her job) but I had another engagement first. Not sure if I mentioned it but I ran into a guy I went to high school with a couple weeks ago and we had planned to meet for a drink and catch up. Well.... that drink turned into 5 and suffice it to say I never made it to the little shindig. It wasn't even a date but he paid the whole $80-something bill. I was like word? LOL Upside: I had a great time. Downside: I had a great time. It was the worst possible idea in the history of bad fucken ideas. He looks a LOT like Shawn Wayans and is about as perfect in every other way I would want a man to be and he's married. Had the nerve to smell good and gonna tell me any time I wanna meet up for drinks, just hit him up. Fucker. I fucken hate his ass LOL. Im hating LIFE at the moment LOL. The universe is a cruel, cruel place.

And Im going to bed now. Mad LMAO!

Thursday, May 29, 2014

#hung

I need to hang a sign on my bedroom wall that reminds me not to drink and shrink LOL. Drinking while catching up with a friend is pretty customary however couch convos tend to be heavily one-sided, with one person giving the other the details of their situation. Me being the other in that example, I have a bad habit of losing count of my sips while I'm just sitting there listening and that usually leads to mornings like this one. Talk about a hangover...... SHEESH!

I cannot WAIT to get home and go back to sleep LOL

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Just a Little Update


#truestory

Since the weekend, I've made a conscious effort and I am starting to feel the ground under my feet again. Even went on another first date yesterday and put my best foot forward. Definitely paid off - he was gazing into my eyes all night LOL - which did a lot for my slightly bruised ego. If its worth doing, its worth doing well. I am a firm believer of that, so I really dont know why I thought it was okay to just be Basica Boddie for the last month. At any rate, she's having a seat backstage while I resume my place on the life stage.

Im not out of the woods yet but I am feeling a lot different than I was just a few days ago. Sometimes all it takes is for you to play the part to become the character. When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you do good. Its all interrelated. So lets see what a whole week of actual ironing will get me LOL




Saturday, May 10, 2014

Despite It All

Typing My Way Through

The only reason I will not say I am depressed is because I refuse to claim it. I will not give that shit a home but I do acknowledge that it has decided to come for a visit.

It's odd; I don't feel sad, I just don't give a shit. About anything. Maybe it's just been a rough couple weeks. I'm in a rut that's showing itself in every space of my life and the only way I know to get out of it is to come into the confessional, bare my soul and read the words back to myself as evidence that I'm more than my temporary emotions. I honestly don't even know what the problem is but it started just after Easter. The closest I can bring myself to putting a finger on it is to say that I'm feeling exceptionally ordinary. Not average - ORDINARY - and its been slowly sucking away my motivation to be or do anything I was or did before April 20th. I know it will pass, I just need it to be sooner rather than later.... before regression becomes starting all over again. Lord knows I don't need that shit. "Project Me" was hard enough the first time.

Take dating, for example. I don't even get cute for dates anymore. FIRST dates, mind you. I tell myself its okay because, I mean, he's supposed to like you for you anyway, right? You can show him how nice you clean up next time, assuming he makes the first date cut. [Insert side eye here] Bitch, what? If HE makes the cut? YOUR ass might not make the cut! He done ironed and got a fresh cut and I'm acting like he's just lucky I even came and shit LOL...SMH. This is me, knowing I'm self-sabotaging going in - but I still do it. Why? See above: I just don't give a shit. The fact that I can laugh about it is promising but it doesn't allow me to go back and remake that first impression. Moot point in most cases, but yesterday I went out with a guy that made me regret my decision to not take things seriously. I started to think better of it and reschedule but I waited too long and got that "Be there in 15 minutes" text, to which I simply replied, "Cool." For the first time in quite the while, I found myself sitting across the table from somebody absolutely PERFECT for me, having a really good time, thoroughly enjoying the conversation and I hadn't really done my hair, touched up my work face OR worn my "good booty" jeans. But we had a good time, right? He said so. Then he said I was cool. Cool. THIS shit again. MAJOR #FAIL.

I don't expect to just wake up tomorrow feeling totally better but depression and I are slowly but surely wrapping up. I finally got up and cleaned my room (chile, I done swept and errthang!) and it feels so nice in here now, I've just been laying across my bed for the last couple hours, listening to channel to 843 and staring around the room at nothing in particular. The thoughts began to flow much like my 4am moments with the Lord. They weren't at all clear, but I still understood. It looks a little like this....

I am not insecure, but I am feeling that way.

I am not fat, but I am feeling that way.

I am not unworthy, but I am feeling that way.

I am not undesirable, but I am feeling that way.

I am not self-destructive, but I am feeling that way.

I am not a failure, but I am feeling that way.

I am not depressed, but I am feeling that way.

And I wont begin to feel better until I start wanting to.

So I guess it's time to switch off the auto-pilot and stop acting like some basic bitch. It's cowardly and unattractive on EVERYBODY. I am no exception.

And I'm NOT fucken ordinary.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Your Move

Good morning.

Today's plan includes brunch with the midgets followed by a matinee of The Amazing Spiderman 2 but as with most Sundays, my morning began with a new episode of Your Move with Andy Stanley. Now for those of you not familiar with this series, Andy Stanley is a new age pastor who relays spiritual teaching without preaching. His message is delivered in more of a seminar fashion than a sermon and he talks to you as if you've never been in church before, which is great because he acknowledges everyone in the viewing audience, whether you are a Christian or not. He does reference the bible, of course, but its an "ordinary people" type of teaching, almost like a therapy session, honestly. Maybe that's why I like him LOL.

Andy's messages are often in 3-part series', most likely because he's only got a 30-minute platform. I missed Part 1 of "You'll Be Glad You Did" but I'll be watching it online momentarily. Part 2 was really funny, but more importantly, fed me just what I needed this morning. I had been doing pretty well in my most recent efforts to get my life but admittedly, I've fallen off over the last couple of weeks in some aspects - one in particular that I'm really peeved about - but I think I've gotten a proper kick in the ass this morning LOL.

If you have a hard time getting your butt in a pew on Sunday, or you shy away from organized services over whatever hang-ups you might have about it, at least do yourself the courtesy of giving this guy a shot. He comes on the UP network at 8 and 8:30. The 8:30 show is usually the new episode and the earlier one is a re-air of the previous one. There might actually be one at 7:30 also, but I'm not sure. You can also watch the videos on the Your Move Facebook page or at their website: www.yourmove.is.

You're welcome.