Relationship Math

A friend of mine made a post that said men need to stop complaining about women being in their masculine energy if they are not creating a safe space for their women to occupy their feminine selves.  As you might expect, it spurned a whole men vs women debate about blame and all the bullshit we all must be sick of hearing by now, simply because people were focused on proving their point rather than understanding - either side.

An interesting observation I've made is that an empathetic and enlightened man could post the same thing and other men who may disagree will simply scroll by, but the second a WOMAN posts it, here they come, guns blazing.  Why are you getting defensive, sir?  No one called your name but here you are, present and accounted for.  Why are you triggered?  No, seriously, I'd really like to know.

While I await the response that isn't coming, let me try to simplify things in the way that seems all the rage these days: math.

1+1=2

BUT

1x1=1

Think of the + as harmony; the give and take, if you will.  Each person bringing things to the table, each considering the other and embracing their differences as building blocks to fortify their union. These people seek to understand each other to better see how their pieces fit and smooth the edges so they begin to fit BETTER.  The "power" or lead is constantly shifting between the two and "the two" or "greater good" is always the focus.

Now think of the x as competition. When there is no harmony or understanding, people begin to jockey for position.  This relationship is ego-driven and tends to breed resentment.  Clashes tend to be about who's right and who's wrong - a winner vs a loser.  The product is always "1" because the individuals are focused on themselves, never trusting the other not to obliterate them if given the chance.

Having been at both tables, I can tell you that who is to blame for women sitting in their masculine energy is irrelevant and it's just a waste of energy to go back and forth about it. The important thing to note is that most women don't WANT to sit in it and would naturally soften for a man that provides true safety and leadership.  It happens so naturally that the woman won't even realize she's doing it, she just will.  If the woman by your side has not made that shift, it's likely because you have not shown yourself to be safe or you haven't built the trust necessary for her to be confident in your leadership.  Now I said "likely" because some women just can't get out of their own way, be it past relationship experiences or other personal trauma that left them with major trust issues.  Bar that particular situation, it's you, bruh, because again, it's not something a woman has to even think about.  She doesn't decide to become softer, she just does.  It's home to [most of] us and after all, isn't that all any of us ever really want, to go home?  But many of us haven't been for a long, long time because in this current dating and relationship climate, we simply can't afford the trip.....

I'M. NOT. GOING.

Funerals used to be LIT.

Wakes, I mean.  

Back in the day - when I was in high school and to some degree, my early twenties -  if somebody who was anybody died, your ass was going to the wake.  You ain't even have to know them real well - if at all.  You only had to know OF them, and the criteria was satisfied.  

Don't get me wrong, the deaths were still shocking and sad.  Even more so, being that they were high school kids or young adults, but make no mistake; this was a bonafide social event: outfits, kicks, the whole shit, cause THE TOWN was coming out.  You were probably gonna see that dude or chick you had been wanting to holla at, them niggas or bitches who had you fucked up, and some folks you'd never seen before but would know from that day on after one of your people put you on.  I definitely left more than one of those services with phone numbers, meetup plans, hell, even a boyfriend one time.  Hey, I ain't proud of it, but it was what it was. CRAZY.

That's just how we did when we were young and needing to be seen.  As we got older, many of us thought better of it.  I say "many" because there are some who still show up like that to this day - one example of the mindset that drove me out of Western NY.  The older I got and the more actual FUNERALS I attended, the less cute that shit became.  Lose enough people close to you and a wake or funeral is the LAST place you ever wanna have to be, to the point that I eventually swore them off.  Part of that decision came as a result of moving 5 hours away from the place where I grew up cause, shit, I ain't making that trip for everybody.  However, the bulk of it was about the drain; I ain't making that trip for nobody.

Now understand, "nobody" doesn't really mean nobody, but it probably means YOU, LOL.  I got about 5 funerals left in me for the rest of my life and I already have a pretty good idea of those I'm going to show up for.  Odds are, you ain't make the list, but no one should take that personally. I just know my bandwidth, so I have to do what's best for me, and being in the mix with a bunch of other people snotting and crying, making shit heavier, is not conducive to my well-being.  It doesn't mean I don't love you to pieces.  It doesn't mean that I am not SHATTERED at your loss. It just means that I'm going to make my peace with it in my own way, in my own time, and from wherever I am. 

My cousin made a social media post yesterday, shouting out his mom and issuing a huge "fuck you" to all the folks who did not show up to her funeral a year and a half ago.  I wasn't there (see above) and I get how he feels, to an extent, but I also feel he's got some growing up to do.  That is all I'm going to say about that situation, because while timely, it's only part of the reason I came in here today.

Four days ago, my father died.  He's being cremated today and a memorial will take place sometime next week, but guess what?  He was not in my 5 and I'M. NOT. GOING. We didn't have a good relationship, but HE WAS MY FATHER.  I don't care what your relationship is like with your parents, it's gonna fuck you up a little bit when they're gone.  Automatic identity crisis.  But if I'm not attending services for the man responsible for my existence..... I mean, if I have to finish that sentence, I really don't know what to tell you. 🤷🏾‍♀️