Everyone deserves a fair chance..... EXCEPT the new bitch at your nail salon.
Online dating CAN work, but you definitely need the patience of Job. And full-body selfies.
History with a person doesn't always translate into a future with them.
Stop doing the same old dance with people who only know one song.
The best stylist in a Dominican hair salon is the one who speaks no English and has a wooden spoon from her kitchen among the hair styling apparatuses on her station. You know your blowout bout to be LIT when she hands you that spoon to cover your ear with so that blow dryer blowing Satan-grade Hellfire doesn't set your cartilage on fire.
Do it, even when you don't feel like it.
Take pics and don't post them. It's like a scrapbook just for you.
I should have stopped paying for cable years ago.
It's totally possible to play a 100+ point word in WWF and still lose the game. Life lesson: It could all be gone tomorrow.
I might be addicted to eggs. And cheese. And Chipotle burritos.
I never felt as close to God as when I rejected everything I was taught to believe.
Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Power. Believe ALL the hype. I can't believe I waited so long!
Tell your mama when you have venison in the freezer, or she'll thaw it out to make meatballs, then toss it in the trash, claiming your ground beef had turned all black. You'll want to kill her, but you'll find she tossed it in it's original packaging, tied up in another bag, and it can be salvaged. And she'll still make meatballs.
People unfamiliar with Boss Sauce will always be amazed at its wonderfulness and baffled at their ignorance of its existence. Kinda like white people and cocoa butter. No worries. I know a guy.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Sunday, December 3, 2017
Weekend Shenanigans
I lost my phone last night. In a cab. So.... yeah. But I was so tipsy when I got home from my boss's surprise birthday party, I couldn't even deal with it. My baby tracked it online, locked it remotely and I took my tipsy ass to sleep. Then I woke up this morning at like 5 a.m. stressing about it. You never realize how much of your life is on your phone til you lose that shit. But hey, at least it wasn't my wallet.
I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before I finally realized we have at least one viable phone in the house that I could use temporarily until my upgrade I ordered a couple days ago arrives. I didn't need to go the weekend with no phone. So I got the phone from my daughter and called to get the SIM activated. They also shut my phone down so if anyone finds it now, it won't serve as much more than a paperweight. Cool.
Breakfast with the midgets was the most fun ever. Then I go to pay the damn bill and they tell me my credit card is declined. Bitch, I know you lying! I just paid that muthafucka OFF! O-F-the-fuck-F.... how Sway??? I pay with another card and call my credit card company immediately. What THEEEEEE fuck? They tell me they got my payment but are putting a hold to make sure it clears my bank. What??? Why, cause black people only make the minimum payments on their fucken bills? It can't possibly clear? Fuck you. How bout that?
I stayed on the phone with them for damn near a half hour while they called my bank to verify the payment had, in fact, cleared. They made my credit immediately available and I made a mental note to cancel their punk asses soon as 2018 hits.
Reserved a rental to go do some things this weekend and of course, I get to the rental place and they don't have my reservation. But I rent there all the time so the guy behind the counter shows me love. Only now, the damn computer system wants to go down. He simply makes a copy of my license and credit card, has me sign off on the car having no damage and hands me some keys. Preciate it..... but don't you book my shit like I took the insurance coverage when the system comes up.
I get to go home and rest for a few hours before I realize the Salvation Army is closing in an hour. I've got a few bags of clothing and shoes to donate. My son brings all the bags down to the rental and it never dawns on me that there is one bag more than I had previously counted. I realized about a half hour ago that the extra bag was a bag of "keep" stuff. Fuck!
All I wanted to do after dropping the bags off and finding my parking spot no longer available was to kick back with a stiff drink and a cigar. But of course, my diva baby insisted on going to the nail salon for the acrylics she had badgered me for earlier. Fine - I needed a pedicure anyway. We go in and there is only one customer who my normal technician is doing. The owner has some kind of weird affinity for my daughter so she snatched her up quick to do her nails and pointed me to the chairs where some stranger bitch was lurking, looking like the chick from The Ring. Now yall know I do not have the best experiences with new broads in this shop, but I didn't wanna be "that girl" so I sat down. It didn't take long for me to see that this was not going to end well.
I clipped my own toe nails, yall. This woman could not grasp the concept of "cut them but not too short" and I had 3 different length nails on these feet. I literally took the clippers from her and cut them myself. Remind me; why the fuck am I paying you??? The next thing I notice is how slow she is. I cannot deal with slow, but I held my mule. Then she started doing my cuticles in such a way that seasoned patrons of the pedicular fucken arts knows is not proper and I found it really hard to maintain my composure..... but I did. That is, until she made it painfully obvious (no pun intended) that she was totally clueless about how to work a callus razor. One direction, lady. She was trying to go back and forth and the razor ejected from the tool. ONTO THE FLOOR. Didn't this bitch pick the razor up off the floor and try to put it back into the tool? Bitch, whooooo??? I said, "What you bout to do with that? It fell ON THE FLOOR! You are not about to try to use that shit again!" She went to the drawer for another one and after 3 minutes of trying to load the new razor to no avail, I said fuck it. Just use the damn pumice. When she was the done, the areas that should have been razored stood out like I had never set foot in that bitch and the owner had to step in to save the day.
The fucked up shit is she razored my feet, which I explained the new chick didn't seem to know how to do, but she also ended up redoing my cuticles, which I had said nothing about. So she saw, herself, that this bitch had not been effective. She also re-cut my nails, which I had said nothing about. Again, this bitch was not effective.
The owner got me right in the end so I just paid and left, trying to woosah on my way out. We stopped at the pizza joint, ordered a pie and headed back to the Capital.
Fast forward to today and things have turned completely around. I was up at 6 a.m. cleaning my kitchen, then doing my daughter's hair and off to Sam's Club and Walmart. Got premium parking on all the above, and spent $200-400 less than I usually spend on those runs. Didn't luck up on a parking spot on my block but I didn't have to go 4 blocks over so.....#Blessings
A bunch of other stuff went on this weekend but these letters are starting to do the meringue aaaaaaand..... #ICant.....So...... Bye LOL
I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before I finally realized we have at least one viable phone in the house that I could use temporarily until my upgrade I ordered a couple days ago arrives. I didn't need to go the weekend with no phone. So I got the phone from my daughter and called to get the SIM activated. They also shut my phone down so if anyone finds it now, it won't serve as much more than a paperweight. Cool.
Breakfast with the midgets was the most fun ever. Then I go to pay the damn bill and they tell me my credit card is declined. Bitch, I know you lying! I just paid that muthafucka OFF! O-F-the-fuck-F.... how Sway??? I pay with another card and call my credit card company immediately. What THEEEEEE fuck? They tell me they got my payment but are putting a hold to make sure it clears my bank. What??? Why, cause black people only make the minimum payments on their fucken bills? It can't possibly clear? Fuck you. How bout that?
I stayed on the phone with them for damn near a half hour while they called my bank to verify the payment had, in fact, cleared. They made my credit immediately available and I made a mental note to cancel their punk asses soon as 2018 hits.
Reserved a rental to go do some things this weekend and of course, I get to the rental place and they don't have my reservation. But I rent there all the time so the guy behind the counter shows me love. Only now, the damn computer system wants to go down. He simply makes a copy of my license and credit card, has me sign off on the car having no damage and hands me some keys. Preciate it..... but don't you book my shit like I took the insurance coverage when the system comes up.
I get to go home and rest for a few hours before I realize the Salvation Army is closing in an hour. I've got a few bags of clothing and shoes to donate. My son brings all the bags down to the rental and it never dawns on me that there is one bag more than I had previously counted. I realized about a half hour ago that the extra bag was a bag of "keep" stuff. Fuck!
All I wanted to do after dropping the bags off and finding my parking spot no longer available was to kick back with a stiff drink and a cigar. But of course, my diva baby insisted on going to the nail salon for the acrylics she had badgered me for earlier. Fine - I needed a pedicure anyway. We go in and there is only one customer who my normal technician is doing. The owner has some kind of weird affinity for my daughter so she snatched her up quick to do her nails and pointed me to the chairs where some stranger bitch was lurking, looking like the chick from The Ring. Now yall know I do not have the best experiences with new broads in this shop, but I didn't wanna be "that girl" so I sat down. It didn't take long for me to see that this was not going to end well.
I clipped my own toe nails, yall. This woman could not grasp the concept of "cut them but not too short" and I had 3 different length nails on these feet. I literally took the clippers from her and cut them myself. Remind me; why the fuck am I paying you??? The next thing I notice is how slow she is. I cannot deal with slow, but I held my mule. Then she started doing my cuticles in such a way that seasoned patrons of the pedicular fucken arts knows is not proper and I found it really hard to maintain my composure..... but I did. That is, until she made it painfully obvious (no pun intended) that she was totally clueless about how to work a callus razor. One direction, lady. She was trying to go back and forth and the razor ejected from the tool. ONTO THE FLOOR. Didn't this bitch pick the razor up off the floor and try to put it back into the tool? Bitch, whooooo??? I said, "What you bout to do with that? It fell ON THE FLOOR! You are not about to try to use that shit again!" She went to the drawer for another one and after 3 minutes of trying to load the new razor to no avail, I said fuck it. Just use the damn pumice. When she was the done, the areas that should have been razored stood out like I had never set foot in that bitch and the owner had to step in to save the day.
The fucked up shit is she razored my feet, which I explained the new chick didn't seem to know how to do, but she also ended up redoing my cuticles, which I had said nothing about. So she saw, herself, that this bitch had not been effective. She also re-cut my nails, which I had said nothing about. Again, this bitch was not effective.
The owner got me right in the end so I just paid and left, trying to woosah on my way out. We stopped at the pizza joint, ordered a pie and headed back to the Capital.
Fast forward to today and things have turned completely around. I was up at 6 a.m. cleaning my kitchen, then doing my daughter's hair and off to Sam's Club and Walmart. Got premium parking on all the above, and spent $200-400 less than I usually spend on those runs. Didn't luck up on a parking spot on my block but I didn't have to go 4 blocks over so.....#Blessings
A bunch of other stuff went on this weekend but these letters are starting to do the meringue aaaaaaand..... #ICant.....So...... Bye LOL
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