Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Multiple Choice




Which of these is true about me?


a) I've sold drugs.

b) I've done coke.

c) I've had an abortion.

d) I've stabbed someone.

e) All of the above

f) None of the above


Half the people who follow this blog don't know me in real life - you guys will likely hazard a guess based on things I've posted here - but 99.5% of those who know me BEST couldn't answer this question either.

The actual answer is irrelevant, I'm just illustrating a point: you not knowing about something, doesn't mean it didn't happen. What you know about somebody is limited to what they've chosen to tell and show YOU. So watch yourself, being so quick to assume the best OR worst about people who might only be selectively sharing chapters of their story with you.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Doubt

I just want it to be right.

It doesn't feel "done" yet.

This isn't the story I want to tell.

I'm in a different head space now.

I can't relate 12 years later.

I should start over.


These are all the things I say to myself about dragging my feet on publishing. Every single one of these statements is true, but that doesn't mean they're not also excuses. At the end of the day, I don't have to publish THIS particular work. I have plenty of shit near enough to completion
that I could run with. Hell, if nothing else, I have an entire blog with 8 years of material (damn, 8 years???? wow!). So I had to sit down and ask myself, what's really going on here, Dig? My response both surprised and terrified me....


What if it's just not good enough?


Saturday, March 25, 2017

A Week in the Dig Files

This week has been a damn doozy, lemme tell you.

So Monday, a friend of a friend introduced me to a staff assistant at Kensington Books. Now we’ve had this lunch/meeting scheduled for a couple weeks now, but we get there like 5 minutes late ourselves and this dude is nowhere. So the girl I’m with calls him like “where you at?” and this nigga acting like he had no clue what she was talking about, and gon hit us with the “uh….. hang on, let me take a look here…… yeah, I guess I could come down for a couple minutes.” Really? Like REALLY? I suppose its possible this girl didn’t really “set up a meeting” as much as she told him she wanted to “introduce him to her friend” so he didn’t take it as such, but my whole scan of this dude when he did come down read “other shit”. He gon tell me its gonna be a lot of waiting, IF I even get a look since I don't know anyone - bitch I'm suppose to be knowing YOU! WTF we here for??? SMH He did give me some paperwork though– advice and query instructions basically – which were helpful. Shit, I thought I could just email an editor like yo, I wanna write, what's up? LOL Apparently it don't quite work like that.

Then Tuesday, I decided I was gonna take advantage of the free training session being offered at my gym. I thought he/she would just talk to me about what I was trying to do and suggest a routine for me. Nope. Lucky me gets the one chick in the place who fucken believes in me and shit and not only takes me through the workout but takes me through it like it's a light damn day after 2 tough mudders and a tour in Iraq LOL. Now I aint mad at her pushing me, but can I ease into it please? She had my arms hurting so bad that I couldnt even use them to get myself up off the floor. I literally had to roll onto my stomach, prop up on my ELBOWS, and then get on my knees to eventually stand. My ceps - all of em LOL - and my quads hurt for 3 damn days. I'm talkin bout LOCK tight. But the hour massage I got yesterday REALLY helped. I slept soooo good.

Thursday I go to Red Lobster which is only my favorite place in the world, no big deal LOL I order a dinner to go for my daughter and decide to also surprise her with a chocolate wave. Waitress brings out the bag and sits it on the end of the table. I'm looking at the check and Im reminded that the location in Times Square has the audacity to figure in 18% tip FOR you, like they just know their servers gave 18% service. Whatever - wasn't my money and two mojitos in, I wasn't bout that math life so fuck it. She was alright, 18% it is. I get home and tell my daughter to go ahead and get her food because something in there might melt. I'm waiting for her to get all excited about it, she comes into my room with the cartons like "um.... what exactly in here is supposed to melt?" The heffa aint give us our chocolate wave. Bitch, I gave you 18%!!

About an hour later, I get a text from my girl upstate. It's a picture of my mother's apartment building on fire. What THEEEEEEE fuck??? I call my moms, get her machine. I call my sister, get her machine. I call my aunt, she's in a panic. My cousin calls his brother who finally says he spoke to my mom about 10 minutes prior and she was out with my nephew. PHEW! Well at least she's okay. Turns out the fire was 3 floors above hers and in the back side of the building, a ways from hers, and the building has fire walls so the blaze was contained in that one apartment, although it was burned clean the fuck out. And by the time that was over, I was worn the fuck out.

Friday's massage was CLUTCH. Shout out to Andreas at Massage Envy. Booty-squeezin self...

Friday, March 10, 2017

Post Shaming


So I get a FB notification of someone’s birthday. I go to wish them well and notice people posting about Nicki Minaj finally dropping some kind of response to Remy Ma’s "Shether". People definitely didn’t seem to be feeling it but I admit, I was curious. I’m on the job so I’m trying to find a quick hit – I ain’t got time for reaction videos and people trying to break the bars down, I just wanna hear the damn song. STILL ain’t found it but in the process of looking, I come across an [IG?] post where Nicki’s addressing taking her sweet time or whatever, and then also says for Remy to stop surgery shaming.

*blink*

Surgery shaming? Sooooo I guess we can just slap “shaming” on the back of any word and make it a thing now. How bout NO. We are not about to parlay surgery into a movement, okay hun? Bitches not taking to the streets with their "All Surgeries Matter" signs, marching for all asses to be treated equal. Have a fucken seat.

Oh wait, am I now post shaming? Is that how this works? LOL

FOH.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Ain't No Telling


"Im just saying I lost a lot of people in life so im glad to be alive and even past that. im glad to be living life. I know mofo’s our age with health issues, or life dragging them down from certain life decisions. Man I have a fairly decent job hold my fam down im volunteering my time to coaching in this youth league im even able to get out and work out and play ball myself. Like man im 40 but I have better energy around me and in me than in myh 30’s or 20s so Yo im looking forward to making it to 50 and 60 and see how much greater I can be word.. ok rant over hahaha"

This was the email that stopped time.

It was one in a series of emails between me and my homie and maybe it was the timing, maybe it was knowing the guy and the story behind these words, IDK.... but it changed so much for me in that moment. I literally cried reading it. It's the reason I haven't been in here in a month; living life is so much more fulfilling than writing about it. Don't get me wrong, I've felt the guilt of abandoning my previous mission to update this blog more regularly, but the rewards of doing so have been worth it. I've not only been MIA here, but also on all my other social media, for the most part. I've peeked into my Facebook for 12 seconds at a time, reacting to whatever happened to be worthy in the first 6 or 7 posts, but I definitely haven't been present like I use to be. And you know what? It's so peaceful.

I've had lovely dinners with my phone face down on the table, not touching it once. I've had drinks with my phone OFF and in a bag in the corner. There is something about being PRESENT, without the distraction of technology, that makes life so much more....crisp. I don't remember the last selfie I took - it's been more important to experience the moments than to capture them. I feel better than I have in a long time, LOOK better than I have in a long time AND I'm looking forward to speaking with Kensington about HOPEFULLY taking up my book! Yes! I finally got off my ass and took step one toward actually doing something with it. Fingers crossed!

My oldest turns 19 on Sunday and that has given me some perspective too. 19 - damn. I feel like I'm only 25, how do I have a damn 19-year old kid? LOL SMH Proof of how time flies, for sure, and I'm not gonna look back at the next 6 years like I do at the last, wondering where it all went. I'm on vacation for the next few days, putting some things together and basking in the glory of 800 thread count sheets. I have a "reckless abandon" Red Lobster date on Tuesday and a prepaid massage on Wednesday and Thursday? Ain't no telling. That's how I'm rolling now LOL

Ain't. No. Telling.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

I Ain't Here For It

There are a lot of high-risk people out there who legitimately don't have anyone to talk to. When you KNOW you have supportive people in your corner, the only reason for taking to social media with your woes is for attention and if that's what you're looking for, there are better ways to get it than posting about how you're going to kill yourself. Putting your family and other people who care about you all in a tizzy out of REAL concern for your FAKE intentions is selfish and I have no respect for it.

You got people calling you, you not answering. We know this because they're saying so on your thread.

People calling each other and nobody knows anything. We know this because they're saying so on your thread.

But 6 hours later, you still posting about your impending death and when someone finally does catch up with you, you're "fine" and again, we know this because they're posting it on your thread so everyone who got sucked into your fucken circus act can rest easy. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Newsflash: People online are just as responsive to requests for prayer as they are to suicide threats. You wanna know if people love you? How about making that your status. You'll get just as much attention without making a mockery of something so serious and sensitive that real people actually do struggle with. That shit literally made me sick to my stomach and trust and believe, when I do talk to this person again, I'ma let her ass have it. Both guns. BLAZING.