Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Things I Learned in 2017

Everyone deserves a fair chance..... EXCEPT the new bitch at your nail salon.

Online dating CAN work, but you definitely need the patience of Job. And full-body selfies.

History with a person doesn't always translate into a future with them.

Stop doing the same old dance with people who only know one song.

The best stylist in a Dominican hair salon is the one who speaks no English and has a wooden spoon from her kitchen among the hair styling apparatuses on her station. You know your blowout bout to be LIT when she hands you that spoon to cover your ear with so that blow dryer blowing Satan-grade Hellfire doesn't set your cartilage on fire.

Do it, even when you don't feel like it.

Take pics and don't post them. It's like a scrapbook just for you.

I should have stopped paying for cable years ago.

It's totally possible to play a 100+ point word in WWF and still lose the game. Life lesson: It could all be gone tomorrow.

I might be addicted to eggs. And cheese. And Chipotle burritos.

I never felt as close to God as when I rejected everything I was taught to believe.

Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Power. Believe ALL the hype. I can't believe I waited so long!

Tell your mama when you have venison in the freezer, or she'll thaw it out to make meatballs, then toss it in the trash, claiming your ground beef had turned all black. You'll want to kill her, but you'll find she tossed it in it's original packaging, tied up in another bag, and it can be salvaged. And she'll still make meatballs.

People unfamiliar with Boss Sauce will always be amazed at its wonderfulness and baffled at their ignorance of its existence. Kinda like white people and cocoa butter. No worries. I know a guy.






Sunday, December 3, 2017

Weekend Shenanigans

I lost my phone last night. In a cab. So.... yeah. But I was so tipsy when I got home from my boss's surprise birthday party, I couldn't even deal with it. My baby tracked it online, locked it remotely and I took my tipsy ass to sleep. Then I woke up this morning at like 5 a.m. stressing about it. You never realize how much of your life is on your phone til you lose that shit. But hey, at least it wasn't my wallet.

I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before I finally realized we have at least one viable phone in the house that I could use temporarily until my upgrade I ordered a couple days ago arrives. I didn't need to go the weekend with no phone. So I got the phone from my daughter and called to get the SIM activated. They also shut my phone down so if anyone finds it now, it won't serve as much more than a paperweight. Cool.

Breakfast with the midgets was the most fun ever. Then I go to pay the damn bill and they tell me my credit card is declined. Bitch, I know you lying! I just paid that muthafucka OFF! O-F-the-fuck-F.... how Sway??? I pay with another card and call my credit card company immediately. What THEEEEEE fuck? They tell me they got my payment but are putting a hold to make sure it clears my bank. What??? Why, cause black people only make the minimum payments on their fucken bills? It can't possibly clear? Fuck you. How bout that?

I stayed on the phone with them for damn near a half hour while they called my bank to verify the payment had, in fact, cleared. They made my credit immediately available and I made a mental note to cancel their punk asses soon as 2018 hits.

Reserved a rental to go do some things this weekend and of course, I get to the rental place and they don't have my reservation. But I rent there all the time so the guy behind the counter shows me love. Only now, the damn computer system wants to go down. He simply makes a copy of my license and credit card, has me sign off on the car having no damage and hands me some keys. Preciate it..... but don't you book my shit like I took the insurance coverage when the system comes up.

I get to go home and rest for a few hours before I realize the Salvation Army is closing in an hour. I've got a few bags of clothing and shoes to donate. My son brings all the bags down to the rental and it never dawns on me that there is one bag more than I had previously counted. I realized about a half hour ago that the extra bag was a bag of "keep" stuff. Fuck!

All I wanted to do after dropping the bags off and finding my parking spot no longer available was to kick back with a stiff drink and a cigar. But of course, my diva baby insisted on going to the nail salon for the acrylics she had badgered me for earlier. Fine - I needed a pedicure anyway. We go in and there is only one customer who my normal technician is doing. The owner has some kind of weird affinity for my daughter so she snatched her up quick to do her nails and pointed me to the chairs where some stranger bitch was lurking, looking like the chick from The Ring. Now yall know I do not have the best experiences with new broads in this shop, but I didn't wanna be "that girl" so I sat down. It didn't take long for me to see that this was not going to end well.

I clipped my own toe nails, yall. This woman could not grasp the concept of "cut them but not too short" and I had 3 different length nails on these feet. I literally took the clippers from her and cut them myself. Remind me; why the fuck am I paying you??? The next thing I notice is how slow she is. I cannot deal with slow, but I held my mule. Then she started doing my cuticles in such a way that seasoned patrons of the pedicular fucken arts knows is not proper and I found it really hard to maintain my composure..... but I did. That is, until she made it painfully obvious (no pun intended) that she was totally clueless about how to work a callus razor. One direction, lady. She was trying to go back and forth and the razor ejected from the tool. ONTO THE FLOOR. Didn't this bitch pick the razor up off the floor and try to put it back into the tool? Bitch, whooooo??? I said, "What you bout to do with that? It fell ON THE FLOOR! You are not about to try to use that shit again!" She went to the drawer for another one and after 3 minutes of trying to load the new razor to no avail, I said fuck it. Just use the damn pumice. When she was the done, the areas that should have been razored stood out like I had never set foot in that bitch and the owner had to step in to save the day.

The fucked up shit is she razored my feet, which I explained the new chick didn't seem to know how to do, but she also ended up redoing my cuticles, which I had said nothing about. So she saw, herself, that this bitch had not been effective. She also re-cut my nails, which I had said nothing about. Again, this bitch was not effective.

The owner got me right in the end so I just paid and left, trying to woosah on my way out. We stopped at the pizza joint, ordered a pie and headed back to the Capital.

Fast forward to today and things have turned completely around. I was up at 6 a.m. cleaning my kitchen, then doing my daughter's hair and off to Sam's Club and Walmart. Got premium parking on all the above, and spent $200-400 less than I usually spend on those runs. Didn't luck up on a parking spot on my block but I didn't have to go 4 blocks over so.....#Blessings

A bunch of other stuff went on this weekend but these letters are starting to do the meringue aaaaaaand..... #ICant.....So...... Bye LOL

Friday, November 3, 2017

The Nerve on This Bitch... SMH

If you know me, you know I'll do anything to help somebody - anything within reason, that is. Standard form, I've been helping this chick out from the day she started working for me back in 2014. She's a transplant to NYC (from Michigan), didn't really have anyone here, no one really liked her at the job and plus she was young - like 22 at the time - so I tried to look out for her. Most of the advice I gave her was professional because she needed a LOT of work in that area and I'm pretty sure I saved her job on more than one occasion.

She was probably impacted most by my departure from the company at the start of last year, so she remained in contact with me more than anyone else. We'd meet up after work from time to time and she'd catch me up on things but our interaction was still very mentor/mentee, so I wasn't really surprised when she asked my advice on her plans to go backpacking in South America. Understanding that her decision to leave meant giving up her job as well as her place, she asked me if she could keep her stuff at my house until she came back. I hesitated, feeling like she had become TOO comfortable imposing, but I knew she didn't have anybody else and I do have the space, so I agreed to hold onto her stuff for the three months she planned to be gone.

She actually came back a couple weeks sooner than expected because she had gotten some kind of sick while she was there. She was only gonna be passing through on her way back to Michigan where she would stay with her parents long enough to figure out her next moves. This required me to keep her stuff for another few months. Two big bins in a corner of my room weren't bothering anybody, so fine. I could do that. She wanted to stay with me for that one night she'd be in town but she mentioned she had another friend she could stay with, so I told her no. Like I said, she was becoming a little too comfortable and I saw that one night turning into far too many. I did let her come over so she could grab some of her things though. She told me about her travels while she dug through the bins, she repacked whatever she wasn't taking and she left.

Fast-forward to last week. She texts me that she's heading back to NYC and wanted to know if it would be okay for her to come get her stuff on Tuesday (Halloween) after I got out of work. Sure, no problem. Tuesday came and went. She texted me late that night, no apology for keeping me waiting, but saying she'd meet me after work the next day and ride home with me, then have some driver guy she met come pick her up with her stuff. Apparently he wouldn't be available until 9 pm and I FOR SURE wasn't trying to entertain this girl for 3 hours (she's a drain, you kinda gotta take her in small doses) so I found some other shit to do until about 7 when I told her to meet me. She catches an attitude with me on the way because I informed her that the job she told me she was interviewing for, with "manager" in the title, wasn't a management position. I'm not gonna debate with her about it, so I just welcome the opportunity to be alone with my Pandora while she sat under her headphones, not talking to me the whole way.

We get to my house and I .... suggest LOL .... she shake it off. You not gonna be sitting up under me, in MY house, for the next hour or two with a fucken attitude. Of course, she doesn't know what I'm talking about, she wasn't shunning me. Yeah, okay. Business as usual then. We're watching Death at a Funeral when her Uber friend calls at around 8:30. She's given him the address and he says he'll call when he gets close. An hour goes by, no call. So she calls him to see where he is and again, he tells her he will call when he's close. Nigga you gotta be coming from Algeria for an hour to go by and you still not close LOL. Clearly, he didn't leave when he said he did. It was about 10 pm by the time he actually showed up and I was highly irritated.

But now I have back whatever is left of my night, which wasn't much since I'm an early bird. 11:30-something, she's texting me about having left something. All that's left where the bins were is bare floor so she ain't leave nothing there. I go in the living room, which is the only other place we were, and there was nothing. I checked the hallway, nothing. So I tell her she didn't leave anything and I go back to sleep. In the morning I see she continued texting me until damn near 2am, explaining what it is she left and how she knows its here. I tell her again I don't have it and maybe she left it in the guy's truck. She's adamant she didn't. Okay, well I don't know what to tell you because I looked and it's not here. Wait first, this heffa gonna ask me if I have any idea why some jacket of hers fits so small now, did I wear it and wash it and shrink it LOL. What? If y'all could see this girl, you'd realize how stupid she sounds. I am not exaggerating when I tell you my track-built 15-yr old daughter is bigger than she is. There is no way in hell I'd even THINK I could wear anything of hers. The nerve. And then the follow up is this missing bag.

When I tell you she has been texting me for 2 days about this bag, describing, talking about how important it is and yada, yada, yada, I am seriously at my wit's end. She texted me overnight how she isn't accusing me of stealing anything but that's what some other girl did to her and she really needs her stuff back and she could give me money to give it back to her....

*staring into the camera*

I'm not sure I ever wanted to punch somebody in the face so badly in my life.

Wait though, this is the kicker - we talking about a bag of blankets, y'all. BLANKETS. What the fuck is so special bout these blankets? Are these MAGIC blankets, bitch? LOL Cause I got a whole life over here, fully equipped with blankets.....and jackets. I would have given YOU a blanket; I'm sure it would go well with the fucken air mattress I gave you. I stole some blankets - to do what with, exactly? To extort money? From YOUR broke ass? LOL This bitch is fucken crazy.

My final text to her said that I don't know any more ways to tell her I don't have her stuff but I'm not interested in finding any. She can come to the house and look for herself, or not - I don't care, and I'm not going back and forth with her about it. But she should know that once she's checked to her satisfaction and sees I don't have her shit, she's gonna need a new life coach.

If she accepts I don't have her stuff and chooses not to come look for herself, she's gonna need a new life coach.

If she happens to trip over the bag of blankets somewhere, realizing I never had it and apologizes for ever thinking I would steal from her, she's gonna need a new life coach.

This relationship is over.


***Update***

Now I'm positive I've never wanted to punch somebody in the face so badly in my life.

I had just finished telling my friend I had not heard from this girl so I didn't know if she was still coming and suddenly I get a text from her. This is not just any ole text, this is that "Fuck You" text somebody only sends when they don't expect to ever see you again. She basically said she isn't coming because she knows we are hiding her things so she wouldn't find them and that too much stuff is missing, so she knows I stole it and probably gave to my kids.

*sigh*

So first it was a bag of blankets. Now it's all this stuff AND I gave it to my kids. The reason I kept telling her I was fine keeping her stuff was so I could loot it LMAO! SMH

There was more, but you know what, I can't give this another ounce of my energy. She's blocked and deleted from all mediums. The one thing she was right about: "This is Done."

Yup! #byebitch


Monday, October 9, 2017

Knock It Off

Y'all know what.....

Y'all really need to stop dick riding and start thinking for your damn self. I have been rolling my eyes all year about all this fucken fake outrage coming outta nowhere over just about any and every damn thing. Stop it. Just stop it. Don't feign anger about something you're not really angry about just because some social influencer you "stan" for is making a ruckus about it. Stop fake boycotting shit just because it makes you look "woke" when, in truth, you don't even have any skin in the game. You are not an activist talking about boycotting some shit you never patronized anyway. If you stand on an issue, stand on it for real and from the start. Not after it becomes the thing to do. Y'all super wack with that.

And today with this Dove thing. Somebody is always gonna be up at arms about something if their disposition is permanently set on inferiority. Not everything is a shot at you, people. That's not to say some things could not have been better thought through but knock it off with the extra shit. There is enough REAL shit out here to be mad about. Dove is dope - sorry, not sorry - and if you look at their campaigns over the last couple of years, you'll see that they have made great strides to spread the message that they are inclusive of all. Don't just look at the screen shot people are talking about, watch the actual ad. Anything taken out of context can easily be misconstrued as something it isn't. Don't be the idiot that just jumps on the bandwagon without all the facts. Y'all just wanna be mad.

And while I'm at it, stop stealing other people's posts and quotes too, without giving proper credit. I ain't talking about the memes and shit - those are meant to be reposted - but you know, people getting slick these days; they are taking the WORDS from the memes now, and posting the words like their own original thoughts. I saw the meme too, nigga. You not funny, you not deep, you not even creative. You corny. Knock it off.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

You Wanna WHAT???!

If my son had a blog, today's post would be entitled, "My Mama in Here Trippin" LOL.

Motivated by a video I saw this morning, I simply suggested we forego Christmas gifts this year and put our money toward feeding the homeless. His immediate reaction was WTF??? LOL Basically. Like he's all for helping the homeless - we strive to do that year round - but he's like why the fuck we gotta not do presents though? Like how does getting presents keep us from helping people, why we can't do both? At the end of the day, we could, but the whole idea was sacrificing for the good of somebody else, to which he again responded, Fuck we gotta sacrifice for? You can't buy a homeless man a cheeseburger and buy me one too? You ain't got TWO dollars, nigga?

LMAOOOOOOOO!

Now of course the conversation didn't quite go this way - he better NEVER - but in my mind right now, replaying the conversation and the look of horror on his face, that's the voice-over that comes with it, like when Snoop and Cedric the entertainer do voice-overs on them Animal Planet videos LOL. We discussed it for about twenty minutes and he was not having any of it. I have never seen him debate anything so passionately, ever LOL. What I think it boils down to really is the fact that he has a job now so he will finally be able to participate in the gift-giving at the level he would like to participate and gotdammit, he ain't bout to let me take the wind outta his sails. How could i not understand that?

Okay, little boy, you win.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The Science of Dating

When I was a baby, my mom had a Siamese cat. That cat apparently thought I was HERS and wouldn't let anyone near me, except my mom. They had to lock the thing in the closet, as I'm told, but I never got a real answer about what happened to it. I mean, did they put it down? Give it away? Did it die in the fucken closet? Idk. But I do know that I hate cats to this day, and I wouldn't be surprised to find it's because of those early days I don't even remember. I don't trust them. I think they're sneaky, evil, and would kill off humankind if they could LOL.

That being said, I don't trust people with cats either. Cats are notably low maintenance so I think cat people are lazy and horrible communicators. I have much more respect for dog people. Dogs require more of you and rightfully so. I mean, they are some of the most loyal creatures on the planet; you gotta work for that shit. Dogs don't just need to be fed; they need to be taken out, walked, stroked and appreciated. Most importantly, when they shit outside, you gotta pick it up. Women come with shit. PICK IT UP!

I think there is something to be learned in the very nature of cats and dogs. If he has a cat, he's looking for shit to be easy; damn near self - sufficient. A dog man is much more likely to be willing to put in the effort. Science of dating in a nutshell.

You're welcome LOL

Sunday, September 24, 2017

2008

The big homie put me on blast today and made me feel guilty for not having blogged in..... IDK how fucken long it's been, so I promised I would put something up today. I didn't promise it would be poignant or in any way deep LOL, but I did promise I would post. In a genuine effort to make the read worthwhile, I dug up 5 hand-written journals I, for some reason, kept from 2008, hoping they would inspire me. What they did was remind me of so many people that I had all but forgotten about. Some for the better - I NEEDED to forget about their asses - and some just for the wear, but reading about that one year in my life was..... so crazy.

Of course, the only journals I saved are from 2008 so it's hard to say for sure, but I believe 2008 might have been one of the most pivotal years of my life. I saw my first black president, I quit smoking for quite a while, which told me I could actually do it, and I ran into so many people who had been significant in my formative years and on most occasions, I thought there was something significant about running into them again as an adult. 9 times out of 10, those run-ins culminated in confirmation that they were never that significant to begin with and Rochester was simply a very small place. It was a huge letdown for the hopeless romantic in me and those run-ins rocked me. Hard.

I read those journals feeling fearful for the girl on thee other end of that pen. Had I not known it was me writing those entries, I'd have thought OMG....this poor, naive girl. At times, that is exactly what I thought, even knowing it was me. Being a good person and wanting to see the best in everyone is one thing, but DAMN! I took a lotta L's putting everybody else before me and I risked a lot on flights of fancy. I guess that's me though, just a tad different today. Today, I have clear-cut boundaries and I'm petty as fuck LOL. Luckily, it still takes a lot to get me there but I care a LOT less about what someone will think or how they will feel afterward. I think that just comes with age. I'm on my way to being crotchety LOL #dorothyzbornak

But I can only be grateful for the lessons, the embarrassments, and everything else because it is those things that build character and make you into who you ultimately become. I'm not afraid, today, to tell you when something just won't do. I'm not afraid to express my disappointment when I expected better. I'm not even afraid of being misunderstood, which use to be my BIGGEST fear in life, oddly enough. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am fearless, but I get closer to it every day. And for that, I salute you, 2008.

#salute