Farewell, King.

 

The death of Chadwick Boseman was such a shock to the world.  Not just because he was only 43, but because he gave us so many amazing performances while battling cancer no one outside his immediate circle was aware of.  I have to say I did think he might be sick after photos surfaced of him looking unnaturally gaunt, but it still felt like it came out of nowhere when he left us on Friday.  My son and I found out at the same time and just looked at each other in the silence of both disbelief and heartbreak.  We are a Marvel family if there ever was one - I don't think we're fully over Stan - and although Chad brought a number of roles to life in his short time with us, he'll be indelibly printed on our minds and in our hearts as the beloved Wakandan King T'Challa, The Black Panther. 

I planned to end this post there, but I just can't shake the thought of what he had to be dealing with - physically, mentally, emotionally and every other which way - all while delivering such amazing performances over the past 4 years, since his diagnosis.  To keep that illness private was to declare that there would be no excuses; to ensure this illness would not be any part of the conversation whenever anyone spoke his name.  A statement that his work would speak for itself.  For that alone, I have so much respect for this man.  We've all phoned it in at one time or another over far, far less.  That being said, we're no more entitled to know what people are dealing with than they are to know of our struggles, but it's safe to say we never know what somebody might be carrying.  So just be kind.  Be kind.

Rest in power, King.  #WakandaForever

Sitting here watching a third season of "Married At First Sight" that I missed since I stopped watching 5 seasons ago, wondering what the FUCK is wrong with people? LOL  I forgot how crazy this show could be - I def need to pick up on the current season because I've gotten caught up and they're wilding too.

Anyway, I came across a question on Facebook today that was kind of hard to respond to because I'm not sure it was clearly posed, but I wanted to unpack it a bit.

The post:

"Women communicate clearly in a relationship with a man in what you want and don’t want... and most times when he falls short, we extend grace when they mess up but.... it takes awhile before we just cut them off and move on. We may cuss them out but we soon forgive and everything is good again....They go in the doghouse but once they buy us a purse, we making love and making up ... all is happy in love bird town..... BUT....

When it comes to the relationships we have with women, we are conditioned to do 1 of 3 things ... ignore, cuss out or cut off... there is no communication at all. There is no grace, no forgiveness, no let’s try to fix this because I see value... Why do we as women do this? Why are female relationships valued less than a relationship with a man?"

There was a third part to this but I omitted it because it was somewhat confusing, given it had absolutely nothing to do with the core question of why we "communicate clearly" to men and subsequently forgive them time and time again, but don't extend that same courtesy to our female friends before cutting them off.  

First of all, neither is true, definitively, though either may be.  I also don't think the women doing "a" do it in every relationship, just like a woman who cuts a friend off with no further communication doesn't do it as a rule.  I think in most cases, it takes a while before you cut that friend off and move on too.  Maybe you're unsure what you're seeing with them and it takes a certain thing happening to confirm they're on the bullshit.  Or the things they've been doing seem small until that final straw that tells you this is just a shitty individual exhibiting a pattern that they're of questionable character.  People do get cut off with no further communication about it, but that shit is rarely out the blue.  I believe that in most cases, it's something that's been building for some time.  

Furthermore, IMO, it's not a man vs. woman thing, like at all.  It just so happens that [heterosexual] women date men and many of their friends are women, but I'd contend that those women are just as likely to cut a male friend off, and I'm 1000% sure that women in romantic relationships with other women give hella passes too.  Maybe this would have been better posed as a relationship vs. friendship question.  Men vs. women.....eh.

But let's start with the first piece, which gives women way too much credit LOL.  Women DON'T tend to communicate clearly what they want and don't want in a relationship before OR after a fuck up.  That's part of why there are subsequent fuck ups - it does you no good to address the specific thing that happened and not connect that thing to the overall standard that it violated.  But that's what happens a lot of the time.  No shade to my sister girls - men don't always communicate what they want clearly either.  

That being said, there's levels to "falling short," as the post calls it.  What exactly is he doing?  Is he leaving the toilet seat up, or is he fucking my sister? LOL  Cause that matters.  What are these transgressions sis is forgiving?  Are we talking missteps, or are we talking betrayals?  Because the same thing applies to friendship violations - there are levels.  I believe the way a woman responds to any friend is going to depend on what they did.  Like I commented on the original Facebook post, " Am I just disappointed, or can I no longer trust you?"  That shit matters.

I will say though, as someone who takes her friendships very seriously, I almost hold them to a higher standard than my relationships.  Definitely a different standard.  Men come and go (until they don't) just like the fleeting emotional responses they provoke from you.  Friends are fixtures.  They're often people you've known for a length of time, who've been privy to private moments and  with whom you've shared a great deal.  So when they violate, that shit is personal.  Emotions can't rival that.  If there's really any difference in the way women handle these two scenarios, I'd say it's that. A robbery always hits different when it's an inside job.  

So.... there ya have it.

Dear Allies...

Please unlearn the phrase, "I don't see color/race."  You CANNOT be a true ally if you don't understand how problematic this statement is.

I know the intent of the phrase is to demonstrate a belief that everyone is the same from the standpoint of humanity.  It's admirable.  The problem is, we live in a country that does not view it's people this way.  There are, indeed, differences between us, and as a result of the creation (yes, Love, google it) and eventual weaponizing of race, if you don't see color, you cannot see that our experiences as black men, women and children are unique in both amazing and terrifying ways. 

Ask yourself why you even feel the need to say that you don't see color.  I contend it's because you actually do, and you fully understand the implications the color of our skin carry with it.  Otherwise, there would be no compulsion to insist that you're different, especially since.... well..... you're not.

In the same way omission is a lie, failing to acknowledge the systemic oppression that has plagued us for nearly 400 years is tantamount to complicity.  It's WORSE than silence.  It's gaslighting. 

You live in a nation that requires its "citizens" to self identify.  We're "one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all," right?  So what the fuck difference does it make what box I check?  Oh, right.  The shit they feed us about wanting to make sure programs and dollars are allocated (or not) in the proper places.  Come on son.

To not acknowledge the differences between your existence and ours is to highlight the fact that you never even have to think about it.  How many times in your entire life have you actually left your home with your whiteness in the back of your mind?  How many times has the sudden awareness of your skin color impacted the way - or even if - you interacted with any particular group of people? How often do you even think of yourself as white, except in the presence of black and brown people?  And I contend that when you're in the presence of black and brown people, you still don't think about your whiteness.  You think about our black and brownness.  Tell me I'm wrong.

My blackness is a threat to people I'll never even meet, and in spaces I will never even occupy.  Just think about that.  That's a fucken powerful attribute, yet it puts black lives in danger every single hour of every single day in this country.   America is the poster child for destroying power it can't wield.  Together, there would be no limit to things we could achieve as a nation, but America is not a team player.  Racists have no interest in"Team Gold" so they are forever the Tonya Harding to our Nancy Kerrigan. 

So if you really want to be an ally, stop saying you don't see color.  You NEED to see color to see ME. I don't have the luxury of not being painfully aware of the both the gift and the curse it is to walk around in this skin.  I don't have the luxury of not understanding that it is the gift that has brought on the curse - but you're not ready for that.  I don't have the luxury of feeling entitled to ANYTHING, even when I am.  But I also don't have the luxury of accepting the world as it is.  This skin requires that I fight for what I'm due, for what my children are due.  If you're going to be an ally, I'm going to expect you to be by my side, fighting with me.  With us.  SEEING us.  

And you can't do that UNTIL you see color.

In love.

Fucken Paula

Most mornings I wake up with a song in my head. Never really know where it comes from - maybe it's got something to do with whatever I was dreaming about - but most of the time it's something I hear a lot and it generally sets the mood for my day. But I'm talking about Cardi B, T.I., Drake, or somebody that plays frequently on one of my playlists, so today threw me for a whole loop. It wasn't even just a song in my head. Today it was all the songs and guess who? 

Motherfuckin' Paula Abdul. PAULA ABDUL! WTF is happening right now? LOL 

No clue, but from the time I got up to pee at 5:13 a.m. to the time I brought my ass online a few minutes ago, all I could think about was the mood named Paula who provided a soundtrack for a short period in my life that always made me feel like dancing. Who thinks about Paula Abdul? Surely not me, especially in this day and time, but I lied in bed this morning going through all the songs I remembered from the late 80's, trying to think of the one that I really loved. After a whole "Cold Hearted [snake]" and "Opposites Attract" it came to me - "Forever Your Girl." It was such a fun song, just hearing it in my head has had me smiling and bopping around the house this morning. When I got online, I had no choice but to find it on YouTube. I instantly remembered the video as it started to play and it made me SO nostalgic. There were a couple of moments that actually flooded me with emotion and brought tears to my eyes. 

Nothing specific cme to me in terms of people or events, but I was definitely transported back to a time I shared a bedroom with my sister. A colorful ass room - blue, pink, tagging on the wall.... in retrospect, I'm really shocked my mother had allowed it. The room was all I could see. Right On! posters of Michael Jackson, New Edition and some other folks all over the walls. A boombox with one of the speaker covers missing on the front, and a cassette door that always got stuck but managed to tape the weekly countdown on the radio just fine every Friday night. Little ass TV sitting on a chair in the corner of the room that we watched The Box on. My sister's drooly pillowcase and wads of gum stuck on her bedpost. I spent a great deal of time in that room, by myself as my sister was often out running around with her friends and my only real friend at the time was the music. But boy did I love it. 

I remember another couple of songs I'd just play over and over again from some of the tapes I'd make off the radio.... "All I Want Is Forever," by Regina Bell and J.T. Taylor (who I had no business having a crush on) was a big one. The Jets - oh, I LOVED The Jets - "You Got It All."  Madonna, "Crazy For You."  Pebbles and Babyface, "Love Makes Things Happen." Michelle', "Something In My Heart." The Deele, "Two Occasions." There were more over that few years' time, but these - OH! I played them SO much. SOOOO much. This was definitely the time that music settled into my soul, guaranteeing it's place in my process of bringing me back from whatever place I found myself not wanting to be. Hours and hours I'd just play my tapes, sometimes singing at the top of my lungs, other times, just lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Uhhh! Just thinking about that makes me wish for simpler times, but the magic of music is the ability to press play and instantly be right back there. 

Man. 

Fucken Paula.