Sitting here watching a third season of "Married At First Sight" that I missed since I stopped watching 5 seasons ago, wondering what the FUCK is wrong with people? LOL  I forgot how crazy this show could be - I def need to pick up on the current season because I've gotten caught up and they're wilding too.

Anyway, I came across a question on Facebook today that was kind of hard to respond to because I'm not sure it was clearly posed, but I wanted to unpack it a bit.

The post:

"Women communicate clearly in a relationship with a man in what you want and don’t want... and most times when he falls short, we extend grace when they mess up but.... it takes awhile before we just cut them off and move on. We may cuss them out but we soon forgive and everything is good again....They go in the doghouse but once they buy us a purse, we making love and making up ... all is happy in love bird town..... BUT....

When it comes to the relationships we have with women, we are conditioned to do 1 of 3 things ... ignore, cuss out or cut off... there is no communication at all. There is no grace, no forgiveness, no let’s try to fix this because I see value... Why do we as women do this? Why are female relationships valued less than a relationship with a man?"

There was a third part to this but I omitted it because it was somewhat confusing, given it had absolutely nothing to do with the core question of why we "communicate clearly" to men and subsequently forgive them time and time again, but don't extend that same courtesy to our female friends before cutting them off.  

First of all, neither is true, definitively, though either may be.  I also don't think the women doing "a" do it in every relationship, just like a woman who cuts a friend off with no further communication doesn't do it as a rule.  I think in most cases, it takes a while before you cut that friend off and move on too.  Maybe you're unsure what you're seeing with them and it takes a certain thing happening to confirm they're on the bullshit.  Or the things they've been doing seem small until that final straw that tells you this is just a shitty individual exhibiting a pattern that they're of questionable character.  People do get cut off with no further communication about it, but that shit is rarely out the blue.  I believe that in most cases, it's something that's been building for some time.  

Furthermore, IMO, it's not a man vs. woman thing, like at all.  It just so happens that [heterosexual] women date men and many of their friends are women, but I'd contend that those women are just as likely to cut a male friend off, and I'm 1000% sure that women in romantic relationships with other women give hella passes too.  Maybe this would have been better posed as a relationship vs. friendship question.  Men vs. women.....eh.

But let's start with the first piece, which gives women way too much credit LOL.  Women DON'T tend to communicate clearly what they want and don't want in a relationship before OR after a fuck up.  That's part of why there are subsequent fuck ups - it does you no good to address the specific thing that happened and not connect that thing to the overall standard that it violated.  But that's what happens a lot of the time.  No shade to my sister girls - men don't always communicate what they want clearly either.  

That being said, there's levels to "falling short," as the post calls it.  What exactly is he doing?  Is he leaving the toilet seat up, or is he fucking my sister? LOL  Cause that matters.  What are these transgressions sis is forgiving?  Are we talking missteps, or are we talking betrayals?  Because the same thing applies to friendship violations - there are levels.  I believe the way a woman responds to any friend is going to depend on what they did.  Like I commented on the original Facebook post, " Am I just disappointed, or can I no longer trust you?"  That shit matters.

I will say though, as someone who takes her friendships very seriously, I almost hold them to a higher standard than my relationships.  Definitely a different standard.  Men come and go (until they don't) just like the fleeting emotional responses they provoke from you.  Friends are fixtures.  They're often people you've known for a length of time, who've been privy to private moments and  with whom you've shared a great deal.  So when they violate, that shit is personal.  Emotions can't rival that.  If there's really any difference in the way women handle these two scenarios, I'd say it's that. A robbery always hits different when it's an inside job.  

So.... there ya have it.