Sunday, January 29, 2012

Random Thinkage

I thought for a minute today about deleting my Facebook account - not now, but the possibility of deleting it at some point - and thought about all the people currently on it who dont even use it. Some people are never on it and wonder why they even have it. Kinda like me with Twitter LOL. But I got to thinking....

Facebook is one of those things that if you just "have it" or you have a bunch of people on your friends list, who you knew in high school but never communicate with, or you never play any games or participate in any conversations, you wont get anything out of it. It's kinda like college in that way. If you dont join some clubs or play a sport or participate in a show or two, you arent gonna have the experience that you hear other people talking about. Hell, I did all those things and I didnt have that experience, but then, I feel like I went to the wrong school, so that's neither here nor there. It wasnt that hard to be a hot commodity at my college - there was a disproportionate number of black students to begin with, then you take away those that were assholes, whores, or just plain unattractive and there were only a few of us left to pine over LOL.

"Pine over" was the actual phrase I thought in my head, and that led me to think about this kid I kicked it with when I was a sophomore.

He went to one of our sister colleges but was always on our campus because he was an Alpha and the Alphas tended to throw all the parties. I remember watching him step and thinking he was so sexy. I "pined over" him for a long time before we actually started kickin it. I dont even remember how it happened. The one thing that came to mind was me going back to his campus and spending the night at his apartment after a party one night. He asked me a couple times before I agreed to go, reiterating that I had no intention of having sex with him and he still insisted I should go. Fine, I'll go. In my naivete, I didnt realize he persisted because he thought he would be able to change my mind.

I only vaguely remember there being any kind of intimacy. What I remember vividly is him lying on one side of the bed, back turned to me, pouting in sleep because I really didnt give him any, and me staring up at the ceiling til the sun came up, mad that I let him talk me into going, believing that he was really gonna be okay with me not giving him any. He brought me back to my campus the next day and he threw me mad shade after that. Im talking about straight asshole steez, blowing me off, half-speaking, that typa shit. I was like really? LOL

I was only like 18 at the time and he was 22 or 23, which in retrospect is kind of a big deal in experience years - especially MY experience, which was incredibly lacking. He was probably mad he wasted his time but I was just crushing on the hot Alpha guy. I aint know. My bad LOL. Anyway, he was one of those Facebook friends who existed only because I knew him back then and we have only ever communicated the first night we friended. Why did we even friend? IDK. Maybe just as a way to say "its okay, we were young and all is forgiven."

Whatever it was, it doesnt matter now. I just deleted him.

And I think Im going to slowly but surely delete some other folks on my friends list who fits into that category. Maybe I will eventually pare down to so few people that I wont even care to use Facebook anymore.

*shrug* It could happen.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

48 Hours

I didnt think about it, I didnt plan it, I just ran out and didnt buy any more. I ran out of blacks at the same time that I ran out of Bacardi, so its been 2 days off both - 2 WEEKEND days off both, which is pretty ambitious, if I do say so myself. Had I thought about it at all, I wouldnt have attempted it, but since I was in a "fuck it" mood Friday, I said.... well..... fuck it LOL.

I'll be completely honest though, Im fuckin dyin right now. Im in here drinking coffee at 9:30 at night and shit, LOL. Knowing I like a black with my coffee.... but where I'd think drinking it now would make me want the black even more, its kind of curbing the urge, strangely enough. I just want like 3 or 4 pulls and I'll be straight LOL. Aint that some bullshit? All I need is 3 or 4 pulls, just to take the edge off, but if I had one right now, I'd smoke that whole shit just cause I dont want it to get "stale" LOL. *smh* THAT's what I need to get a grip on. I'm not gonna sell you no bill'a goods, like I aint gonna go buy another pack. Ima tell you right now Ima go buy another pack. Probably tomorrow on my way to damn work LOL. But if I could hold myself to that pack all week and then consistently hold myself down to a pack a week, for the next couple weeks, I can kick this thing. As much as Im dying right now, I got through a lot of these last 48 hours relatively smoothly. I was doing shit, so I wasnt really thinking about smoking like that, but I know it doesnt really get hard until a few days in and Im not gonna torture myself. Say what you want about it, Im just not. Im gonna make myself as comfortable as necessary throughout this process, but step by step, we'll get her done.

On another note, tomorrow is January 23, Chinese New Year 2012 and year of the dragon. That means this year, the world is my bitch LOL. Or at least, thats what I think it means LOL. So whether or not I lick this smoking thing, something good is going down this year. Some kinda ground will be gained. I'd be claiming it even if it wasnt a dragon year, but Ima really claim it now LOL. Move over snakes, its dragon time!

*explosion*

Friday, January 20, 2012

Im Not Gon Be Able to Do It

So Im sitting on my bed right now, throwing one back and toking (dont fucken judge me, bitch LOL) because I decided to start my weekend early. Roundabout 10:47 this morning, I looked up at my computer screen and said nope..... Im not gon be able to do it.

I got SO much shit swirling through my mind today, I couldnt concentrate. It has been a very trying week as it is, and every 15 minutes, there was some other bullshit on my doorstep to walk away from today. I felt like I was gonna have a meltdown.

So you wanna have an attitude cause you dont wanna be at work today, and get all snippy with me cause Im asking you questions about something you get paid to do? Nope. Im not gon be able to do it.

You want me to do my expenses in a timely fashion, but you dont wanna pay them in a timely fashion, resulting in a late fee that I gotta pay outta MY pocket? Eh-eh. Im not gon be able to do it.

You wanna fall off the face of the earth, explain the bullshit behind it AS bullshit and in the same breath defend it? Nope. Not gon do it.

Ok so I fail this class on some bullshit policy that makes absolutely no sense, and my aid will pay for me to take it again but the money they still owe me that I was supposed to have coming to me next month is now not coming until May? What? Not. Doing it.

You wanna be failing math cause you too busy playing your PS3 to study for the tests, and then be mad at me when I tell you you cant go to the dance at school? Oh HELL no. "Every little step you take gon be around this damn house tonight!" LOL I aint doin it.

I just aint gon damn do it.

You wanna tough it out when life is fuckin wit you, but sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and throw in the towel. Getting through today at the office was lookin like too much work. I needed a time out - a RESET, with nobody calling my name for anything, nobody asking me stupid ass queestions or lookin in my face to do something I aint feel like damn doing, so I cashed in some sick hours and brought my ass home. Yes, dammit, Im sick LOL. You got your definition, I got mine.

I have some shit to work out this weekend - a lotta shit actually - but I am committed to sweeping all this negativity under the rug and starting fresh come Monday. Not just with work, but everything else too. Life has become entirely too much to handle in entirely too short a time and I just aint gon be able to do it. I aint. I cant. I fucken refuse. So for the next four hours, I am turning the world OFF. *click*

Announcer: "Dig's life will continue after these short words from our sponsors."

*pops in Roots*

Oh..... and RIP Etta James. At least now Bey can stop sleeping with one eye open LOL.....

(That was wrong. But, fuck it....)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Happiness

Somebody asked me the other day if I was happy and for the first time in a long time, I paused before answering, but I responded honestly, saying, “You know….. I really don’t know.” This conversation took place on Monday and I was gonna blog about it then, but then I realized I needed some time to figure out why Im not happy, if Im actually not.

I thought and thought for two days and everything I analyzed was something I was generally content with, even if there were small tweaks I would make if I could in some arenas. After all the assessing, I finally came to the realization that my job is making me miserable. There are changes taking place that I don’t particularly care for, I work in way too close proximity to at least two people I don’t particularly care for, and the work I am doing is work I really don’t want to be doing anymore. Add to that the fact that they are not paying me nearly my worth and you’ve got the recipe for a pause.

I don’t think most of us – myself included – really think about just how much our jobs affect everything else in our lives, but think about it. It’s the only thing we do as much as or more than sleeping. If you’re working full time, you spend anywhere from 8 to 12 hours in this place, at least 4 days a week. Whatever state you’re in while you’re there can slowly become your default if you’re not careful. When some folks take work home, they literally take it home, energy included. When you aren’t making enough money on your job, stress becomes common place, robbing Peter to pay Paul and floating bills, trying to keep your head above water. That’s even worse than living check to check cause you gotta think three checks ahead. Then your kids are asking for shit they always ask for and you get an attitude like they being inconsiderate LOL. They kids, they always asking for shit and when you have it, you give it to em, so don’t be mad they asking, be mad you aint got it LOL. Personally, I still give it to mine 80% of the time. I don’t want them taking on my stress and thinking we aint got no money, even if we really don’t. Its not their burden to bear.

But the point is that I have become such a prisoner to my job that it has started to interfere with my ability to enjoy the rest of my life and the people in it. Something has got to give. Never should I hesitate to say “yes, I am happy” when everything else in my life indicates that I should be. As much as I’ve gone through to BE happy? Shiiiiiiiit. Its gonna be some happiness round this bitch.

*thinking of a master plan*

Monday, January 9, 2012

Digism 101: Vol II

"I've been doing so much with so little for so long that now I can do anything with next to nothing."

-Dig

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Week One

So.... yeah LOL.

End of week one in 2012 and I am failing miserably at this attempt to quit smoking. It never ceases to amaze me how many "legitimate" reasons I can come up with for buying another pack. I am creative as hell, real talk LOL. I've got one left in the pack I bought yesterday, and I am telling myself I wont buy another pack, now that my idle weekend is over, but I know Ima just come up with some other bullshit tomorrow to justify it, that sounds perfectly sensible to me LOL.

*sighhhhhhh*

Problem is panic mode. If I have them here and not on the verge of kicking somebody's ass, Im okay. I might only have one in the evening after work, which for me, is REALLY good. But let there not be any left. The mere thought of being "out" sends all my neurons into apocalypse. Its a total mind fuck and I know this, but it doesnt make it any less valid.

*pause*

A valid mind fuck. I think I've just reached a new level of creativity.

Whatever..... Work. In. Progress.

Everything else is rolling along nicely though. Eating pretty awesome-like, reined in the spending, and I even cleaned my room. The Christmas tree is still up, but hey, cant I have Christmas in my heart (and my living room) after the new year? Alrighty then. Dont judge me.