Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Say No More
Every year I post a NYE blog either recapping the year or talking about my hopes for the year to come and I found myself struggling this year. I didn't know what I wanted to say or quite how to say it; in fact, there are 3 different drafts saved on this thing because I couldn't find the pocket. So I decided to step away from it and circle back to it later, taking a little cruise through Facebook, and what do you know...... The Lord was waiting.
Nothing I'd have come up with would have said it any better.
Happy New Year's, y'all.
Love,
Dig
Friday, December 27, 2013
Recovery Update
Its been a week since the surgery and today.......... I got dressed!!!
......kinda LOL
#babysteps
......kinda LOL
#babysteps
Thursday, December 26, 2013
A tea cup though?
And you hope you've seen the worst of it leaving no place to go but up.....smh
Its a little after 11 last night. Im about an hour into my meds so Im starting to fade and not sure Im actually hearing the commotion I think Im hearing in the kitchen. I mute the TV and hear my mom berating my son AGAIN so I start the slow process of getting out of my bed and gingerly making my way down the hall. He's in his room by the time I hit the kitchen and I see the look of irritation on his face as I pass. Mom's at the sink, so I lean against the refrigerator and ask her what the problem was. She begins to tell me how my son brought a couple of dishes from his room and put them in the sink.
".......................................Okay." LOL
On prompt she continues to tell me how slack and lazy it is for someone to just use a dish and put it in the sink rather than wash it. Now Im confused because we've all, during the course of the day, used a spoon or a cup or something and put it in the sink when we were done. I think the real issue was that when she said something to him about it, he responded by telling her he didnt wash it because it was my daughter's week for dishes. Although my daughter has apparently been on her nerves this week also, she is still my mother's favorite and something about my son leaving dishes for her to do struck a chord with her on a personal level, causing her to be on 10 for no damn reason. This is at least the second time today she's yelled at him about this when AGAIN his weren't the only dishes in the sink, not to mention we're talking about a coffee mug and a couple of spoons. You'd think he deep-fried a sheep and left the mess for somebody else to clean. SHEESH!
So I try to bring her down a level and before I could even complete a sentence, she's back at me, saying I am making excuses for him. Im like what is there to excuse? If we were talking about lil mama, I'd be telling you the same thing. I just think you're a little turned up for something as trivial as this and I don't understand why. She goes to ranting, slamming stuff down on the counter, storming off to the living room talking about she cant wait to get out of here on Saturday. "Really, Ma? You acting like THAT?" (she's now sitting on the couch, ignoring me) "Ma!" (still ignoring me) "You know what - that's just ridiculous." Me and my groggy self drags from counter to counter, finishing the effort she just abandoned (putting the food away) and then I ride the wall back down the hall to my room, where I all but collapse into bed.
She cant wait to get out of here Saturday. It had taken everything in me not to tell her right at that moment "Oh you aint got to wait; DO feel free to leave at any time," but I did say that to my sister when I texted her to vent. My hope was really that after she slept it off my mom would wake up and see how over the top she was and apologize. Either that or she'd wake up and pack her shit. I mean stay for what? She's not offering any emotional support and she's doing absolutely nothing I cant do for myself at this point. But admittedly, my feelings were hurt. I mean how does a person become so angry over a tea cup? There were other things in the sink already and pots and pans from dinner had just been emptied into containers so they were needing to be washed too. Why was it such a big deal that he put a cup in the sink? I have my own theories about where it all comes from but this is just another display of her all-the-time anger making an appearance out of nowhere and her not knowing - or maybe not even caring - when she's taking it too far.
Then my mind flashed back to earlier in the day also when she came into my room (supposedly to "check on me") and randomly started telling me how much money she's spent since she's been here. She's telling me how she told my kids as well as my nieces and nephews that she'll get them something for Christmas later cause she needed to be down here and how now she's got $7 left cause she spent her whole $500 bonus since she been here.
*squint* Dude, Im on drugs right now, why are you telling me all this? LOL
My mama being who she is, I can only imagine she was planting that "all I've done for you" seed so she could throw it back up in my face or run a guilt trip later and laying the groundwork for me to break her off something before she goes back upstate, which is another thing I don't like about her. Don't play games with me - TELL ME what you want. Stop leaving fucken bread crumbs and shit.
So far I have passed her once in the kitchen this morning, ironically, while my daughter was washing dishes. There were no words exchanged, I didn't even make eye contact with her. I don't really have anything to say to her until she acknowledges her foolishness and apologizes. I am not taking this nonsense with her into 2014 and she gon learn today.
Its a little after 11 last night. Im about an hour into my meds so Im starting to fade and not sure Im actually hearing the commotion I think Im hearing in the kitchen. I mute the TV and hear my mom berating my son AGAIN so I start the slow process of getting out of my bed and gingerly making my way down the hall. He's in his room by the time I hit the kitchen and I see the look of irritation on his face as I pass. Mom's at the sink, so I lean against the refrigerator and ask her what the problem was. She begins to tell me how my son brought a couple of dishes from his room and put them in the sink.
".......................................Okay." LOL
On prompt she continues to tell me how slack and lazy it is for someone to just use a dish and put it in the sink rather than wash it. Now Im confused because we've all, during the course of the day, used a spoon or a cup or something and put it in the sink when we were done. I think the real issue was that when she said something to him about it, he responded by telling her he didnt wash it because it was my daughter's week for dishes. Although my daughter has apparently been on her nerves this week also, she is still my mother's favorite and something about my son leaving dishes for her to do struck a chord with her on a personal level, causing her to be on 10 for no damn reason. This is at least the second time today she's yelled at him about this when AGAIN his weren't the only dishes in the sink, not to mention we're talking about a coffee mug and a couple of spoons. You'd think he deep-fried a sheep and left the mess for somebody else to clean. SHEESH!
So I try to bring her down a level and before I could even complete a sentence, she's back at me, saying I am making excuses for him. Im like what is there to excuse? If we were talking about lil mama, I'd be telling you the same thing. I just think you're a little turned up for something as trivial as this and I don't understand why. She goes to ranting, slamming stuff down on the counter, storming off to the living room talking about she cant wait to get out of here on Saturday. "Really, Ma? You acting like THAT?" (she's now sitting on the couch, ignoring me) "Ma!" (still ignoring me) "You know what - that's just ridiculous." Me and my groggy self drags from counter to counter, finishing the effort she just abandoned (putting the food away) and then I ride the wall back down the hall to my room, where I all but collapse into bed.
She cant wait to get out of here Saturday. It had taken everything in me not to tell her right at that moment "Oh you aint got to wait; DO feel free to leave at any time," but I did say that to my sister when I texted her to vent. My hope was really that after she slept it off my mom would wake up and see how over the top she was and apologize. Either that or she'd wake up and pack her shit. I mean stay for what? She's not offering any emotional support and she's doing absolutely nothing I cant do for myself at this point. But admittedly, my feelings were hurt. I mean how does a person become so angry over a tea cup? There were other things in the sink already and pots and pans from dinner had just been emptied into containers so they were needing to be washed too. Why was it such a big deal that he put a cup in the sink? I have my own theories about where it all comes from but this is just another display of her all-the-time anger making an appearance out of nowhere and her not knowing - or maybe not even caring - when she's taking it too far.
Then my mind flashed back to earlier in the day also when she came into my room (supposedly to "check on me") and randomly started telling me how much money she's spent since she's been here. She's telling me how she told my kids as well as my nieces and nephews that she'll get them something for Christmas later cause she needed to be down here and how now she's got $7 left cause she spent her whole $500 bonus since she been here.
*squint* Dude, Im on drugs right now, why are you telling me all this? LOL
My mama being who she is, I can only imagine she was planting that "all I've done for you" seed so she could throw it back up in my face or run a guilt trip later and laying the groundwork for me to break her off something before she goes back upstate, which is another thing I don't like about her. Don't play games with me - TELL ME what you want. Stop leaving fucken bread crumbs and shit.
So far I have passed her once in the kitchen this morning, ironically, while my daughter was washing dishes. There were no words exchanged, I didn't even make eye contact with her. I don't really have anything to say to her until she acknowledges her foolishness and apologizes. I am not taking this nonsense with her into 2014 and she gon learn today.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Pettiness
Now see.... just that fast.... smh
So Im in the bed chillaxing, trying to get my iTunes life together and I hear a slight ruckus which ends before I had a chance to mute my TV. My son comes in the room and tells me my mom wont help him reinstate his playstation account. Allow me to explain...
A while back my mom purchased a game or two for him via the PS3 console. Months later, I let him purchase something via the console, not realizing that my mom's information had been saved in the system so rather than prompt my son for my billing info upon making his selection, it automatically charged her card. He told me he thought that had happened but by the end of the transaction he seemed to have corrected it and sent it through on mine. Turns out it never corrected, but we didn't know that until my mom got her bill and the purchase was on it. Because she was being pissy at the time, rather than just call and let me know, where I could have just paid her for the purchase, she tells her credit card people she did not authorize the purchase and it was reported as fraudulent, another thing we didn't find out until later, when my son went to do something on the console and it told him his account was suspended for suspected fraudulent activity.
My mom being down here and him just getting his PS3 back (he was on punishment up until this week) he wanted to try to get the account cleared up. Unfortunately when he told SONY he could put her on the phone, they told him they cant just take her word that she is who she says she is and because the credit card people told them it was a fraudulent charge, she needs to touch base with the credit card people and say it wasn't fraudulent so the credit card people can then tell them that it wasn't fraudulent. Until then the account would remain suspended. She refuses to call because she "didn't authorize the transaction" like she said.
Sighhhhhh. Do you see what I mean about petty shit? I mean is it that difficult to understand that it was all a mistake? She is carrying on like he went and did some fuck shit, trying to get over on her or something. If memory serves me correctly, it was like $29 or some shit. $29 is $29, dont get me wrong, but come on now, I can GIVE you $29 on any day of the week. She still crabby about this morning I guess (what the fuck for? LOL) and is being a fucken bitch for spite. This is the type of shit I be talking about when I say she's petty. How does this type of behavior better any situation? You think teenagers have attitude problems so your response is to have one too? Really? Who's the fucken child here???
Yo. I aint even kidding. Im about ready to thank her for everything and send her on about her way. To be honest, she has done all she can do that me and these kids cant manage ourselves. She's slept more than me in the past 2 days anyway so if she's gonna be miserable, I rather her go do that shit at home.
So Im in the bed chillaxing, trying to get my iTunes life together and I hear a slight ruckus which ends before I had a chance to mute my TV. My son comes in the room and tells me my mom wont help him reinstate his playstation account. Allow me to explain...
A while back my mom purchased a game or two for him via the PS3 console. Months later, I let him purchase something via the console, not realizing that my mom's information had been saved in the system so rather than prompt my son for my billing info upon making his selection, it automatically charged her card. He told me he thought that had happened but by the end of the transaction he seemed to have corrected it and sent it through on mine. Turns out it never corrected, but we didn't know that until my mom got her bill and the purchase was on it. Because she was being pissy at the time, rather than just call and let me know, where I could have just paid her for the purchase, she tells her credit card people she did not authorize the purchase and it was reported as fraudulent, another thing we didn't find out until later, when my son went to do something on the console and it told him his account was suspended for suspected fraudulent activity.
My mom being down here and him just getting his PS3 back (he was on punishment up until this week) he wanted to try to get the account cleared up. Unfortunately when he told SONY he could put her on the phone, they told him they cant just take her word that she is who she says she is and because the credit card people told them it was a fraudulent charge, she needs to touch base with the credit card people and say it wasn't fraudulent so the credit card people can then tell them that it wasn't fraudulent. Until then the account would remain suspended. She refuses to call because she "didn't authorize the transaction" like she said.
Sighhhhhh. Do you see what I mean about petty shit? I mean is it that difficult to understand that it was all a mistake? She is carrying on like he went and did some fuck shit, trying to get over on her or something. If memory serves me correctly, it was like $29 or some shit. $29 is $29, dont get me wrong, but come on now, I can GIVE you $29 on any day of the week. She still crabby about this morning I guess (what the fuck for? LOL) and is being a fucken bitch for spite. This is the type of shit I be talking about when I say she's petty. How does this type of behavior better any situation? You think teenagers have attitude problems so your response is to have one too? Really? Who's the fucken child here???
Yo. I aint even kidding. Im about ready to thank her for everything and send her on about her way. To be honest, she has done all she can do that me and these kids cant manage ourselves. She's slept more than me in the past 2 days anyway so if she's gonna be miserable, I rather her go do that shit at home.
Is it Saturday yet?
I know its not gonna last because I get restless easily but I've really enjoyed laying around the last couple of days. I suppose its a lot easier to do when the drugs you're on make it nearly impossible to object LOL. I dont know how many people have told me in the last couple of days to just chill out and enjoy the down time, and I am definitely doing that, but I do look forward to things going back to normal... moving freely without the pain and fatigue... a night stand that doesn't look like the pharmacy at Walgreen's... and a roof that shelters only 3. Yes people, my mama is driving me crazy.
Yall don't know this about my mom unless you know her but she's one of those people that's good for talking about punching somebody in the face or kicking them in the throat LOL. Im like "Ma, why you so violent? Why you always talking about putting your hands on somebody?" She justifies it by saying we know she's not really going to do it, its her way of saying someone is "taking her there" and she only does it around people who know her like that. Well first of all, I highly doubt that that is the case. It seems almost reflexive. I don't think she really has any idea how often she actually says it or even that she's saying it until its already coming out of her mouth, and to think that its okay simply because she "doesn't mean it" is to shirk responsibility for careless wielding of the sword of life. I told her if that's her "go-to" response, then there is an issue that she needs to address and its got nothing to do with everybody else in the world (who obviously are the problem LOL). She gets so defensive too whenever you say anything to her about it and Im like "See? Right there. Is there any reason you should be getting this upset right now?" And what does she do? Roll her eyes and walk off mumbling about kicking me in the throat LOL. She's crazy LOL.
Its rather frustrating because I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, talking and laughing with the kids and stuff, but she cant seem to just roll with the positive vibes. In the middle of any story she tells, she has to go off on a tangent about somebody she wanted to kick down a flight of stairs or some shit and I just sigh and SMH. She even started to go so far as to blame the fact that my daughter had an attitude in the store yesterday on us (as in my generation) not taking care of business with our kids. I had to stop her right there......
"Dont do that. I get it - she had an attitude - but she is a teenager and teenagers sometimes do. Its just been that long since you've been exposed to one for any significant length of time because all your kids are grown. Hold her accountable for her attitude and deal with it accordingly. What you are NOT going to do is blame your inability to deal with A CHILD on some failure on my part to raise her, because I have done a damn good job in that regard and I resent any implication otherwise." *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.
She never wants to take responsibility for her own reaction or feelings about a situation or acknowledge that people's ability to so quickly and consistently anger her is indicative of a personal problem. She just lashes out. She doesn't see how ugly it is and it makes me sad that she wont even try. So many people block their own blessings by perpetuating negativity in their own behaviors and attitudes and most of those people STAY with something to say about somebody else's. A lot of the things are small things that only require a little conscious reprogramming but change cant infiltrate the gates of defensiveness. Its the kryptonite to the superman of progress. Why wouldn't you want to make a change for the better?
I tell you what - we all have picked up bad habits from time to time that we haven't really noticed. If I have a tendency to do some shit that turns people off, I WANT to know. Maybe Im just an asshole (LOL) but maybe I really don't realize that Im doing it. My mom is generally sweet in nature but she has this underlying anger and bitterness that causes her to make some really ugly comments to and about people. My professional opinion (mmhmm, LOL) is that she has the power to stop doing it by simply acknowledging it and making a conscious effort to redirect her energy in a way that enables her to speak life and positivity. I see now why she always seems to have this look of sourness on her face when she's just walking around day to day. Its embedded in her somewhere and reflecting on the outside. Your thoughts become your disposition. All I want is for her to unleash herself so she can feel as beautiful as she would also appear without that bitterness all over her but I don't know if there is anything I or anybody can say or do to impact the situation if she's not gonna be receptive..... but if she's not gonna be receptive, this is gonna be a long couple days.....
Yall don't know this about my mom unless you know her but she's one of those people that's good for talking about punching somebody in the face or kicking them in the throat LOL. Im like "Ma, why you so violent? Why you always talking about putting your hands on somebody?" She justifies it by saying we know she's not really going to do it, its her way of saying someone is "taking her there" and she only does it around people who know her like that. Well first of all, I highly doubt that that is the case. It seems almost reflexive. I don't think she really has any idea how often she actually says it or even that she's saying it until its already coming out of her mouth, and to think that its okay simply because she "doesn't mean it" is to shirk responsibility for careless wielding of the sword of life. I told her if that's her "go-to" response, then there is an issue that she needs to address and its got nothing to do with everybody else in the world (who obviously are the problem LOL). She gets so defensive too whenever you say anything to her about it and Im like "See? Right there. Is there any reason you should be getting this upset right now?" And what does she do? Roll her eyes and walk off mumbling about kicking me in the throat LOL. She's crazy LOL.
Its rather frustrating because I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, talking and laughing with the kids and stuff, but she cant seem to just roll with the positive vibes. In the middle of any story she tells, she has to go off on a tangent about somebody she wanted to kick down a flight of stairs or some shit and I just sigh and SMH. She even started to go so far as to blame the fact that my daughter had an attitude in the store yesterday on us (as in my generation) not taking care of business with our kids. I had to stop her right there......
"Dont do that. I get it - she had an attitude - but she is a teenager and teenagers sometimes do. Its just been that long since you've been exposed to one for any significant length of time because all your kids are grown. Hold her accountable for her attitude and deal with it accordingly. What you are NOT going to do is blame your inability to deal with A CHILD on some failure on my part to raise her, because I have done a damn good job in that regard and I resent any implication otherwise." *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.
She never wants to take responsibility for her own reaction or feelings about a situation or acknowledge that people's ability to so quickly and consistently anger her is indicative of a personal problem. She just lashes out. She doesn't see how ugly it is and it makes me sad that she wont even try. So many people block their own blessings by perpetuating negativity in their own behaviors and attitudes and most of those people STAY with something to say about somebody else's. A lot of the things are small things that only require a little conscious reprogramming but change cant infiltrate the gates of defensiveness. Its the kryptonite to the superman of progress. Why wouldn't you want to make a change for the better?
I tell you what - we all have picked up bad habits from time to time that we haven't really noticed. If I have a tendency to do some shit that turns people off, I WANT to know. Maybe Im just an asshole (LOL) but maybe I really don't realize that Im doing it. My mom is generally sweet in nature but she has this underlying anger and bitterness that causes her to make some really ugly comments to and about people. My professional opinion (mmhmm, LOL) is that she has the power to stop doing it by simply acknowledging it and making a conscious effort to redirect her energy in a way that enables her to speak life and positivity. I see now why she always seems to have this look of sourness on her face when she's just walking around day to day. Its embedded in her somewhere and reflecting on the outside. Your thoughts become your disposition. All I want is for her to unleash herself so she can feel as beautiful as she would also appear without that bitterness all over her but I don't know if there is anything I or anybody can say or do to impact the situation if she's not gonna be receptive..... but if she's not gonna be receptive, this is gonna be a long couple days.....
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Post-Op
My mom came down to be with me and help me with the midgets while I had surgery. We were up at 3:30 in the morning on Friday and out the door by 4:30. A couple waiting rooms and a rack of paperwork later, I was leaving my bag with her and filing behind seven other people headed into the patient prep area. They sat us each in our individually curtained-off areas, confirmed all the pre-op information they had gathered the day before, and distributed the standard unis, complete with fuzzy bottom-grip slipper socks. I was asked to disrobe and put all my clothes in the blue bag I was given - a sort of "thank you for choosing Roosevelt Hospital" type duffle - and once I had done so, my mom was brought in to share some final moments with me before I was wheeled back to surgery.
I purposely disregarded the implication.
My sister called to pray with me and then after a few minutes, the eight patients were all rounded up, asked to send our family members off into the morning and follow the bowlegged Jamaican guy through the silver double doors. A cute Hispanic guy chatted me up, telling me about his hernia while assuring me that everything with my procedure would be alright. Guess I wasn't doing as good a job hiding my apprehension as I thought. I was taken to my bed and left to lie there until the anesthesiologist assigned to me came to retrieve me. He did so with releases in hand for me to sign off on. I took the pen along with a deep breath that gave way to tears as I suddenly wished more than ever before that my mother were there. It only got worse when they rolled my bed to the operating room I was assigned to, parked the bed outside the door and asked me to WALK through the OR doors. Never in all my life have I heard of anyone WALKING into their procedure.... the last thing I remember was crying my eyes out as I laid back on the table, wondering if I had hugged my mom tight enough for all the years I might miss if I didn't come back.... had I hugged my kids long enough. Did my friends know how much I love them? But the next thing I knew, I was struggling to open my eyes in some random corner, being debriefed as to how everything went, as if I could understand a damn thing being said with all the dope running through my veins. What I did understand was "you're gonna be okay" and "we're gonna go get your mom".... that's all I really wanted to hear anyway.
A while later, after I had been taken to my room, I broke down telling my mom how alone and terrified I felt walking into that operating room. There is nothing like looking around and seeing nothing but cold steel, lights and straps, a table with outstretched arms just waiting for you to sacrifice yourself to it and there's no one there to hold your hand. I hope I never have to go through that again. I don't wish that feeling on anybody.
Three days later I was home, glad my mother is as anal as she is about everything. My house was in impeccable condition LOL. She did her best to make me comfortable despite her own discomfort, running around so much in the time I was gone. I made sure the midgets looked out as much for her as they did for me. I think we both need this time off.
In the end, all is well and I just wanted to update my blog to that effect. I did have to lose an ovary in the process, which wasn't part of the plan, but it was necessary. My hope is that recovery will continue on the speedy path its started to take and that I'll be that much better on the other side of it. Please continue to pray for me and the family while we move toward normalcy and please know I've got plenty more to say about this experience, so stick around...
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Rest In Paradise.....
I'm a few days late on this but I've had a couple of things going on since Thanksgiving. I want to send heartfelt condolences to the family and friends of Fast and Furious actor, Paul Walker. While I am a fan of the franchise, I am a much bigger fan of some of Paul's other work, i.e. Takers. I'm more saddened that the prequel on deck for that will suffer from his absence (I'm assuming it hasn't already been filmed). IDK, maybe they can use Bradley Cooper and say he was his brother who for whatever reason got replaced with Paul later.... IDK. At any rate, this is a death that caught me off guard. Paul was one of my white chocolate fantasies, so he will indeed be missed.
While Paul was an international superstar of the silver screen, today the world lost an icon - a legend - in the man known as Nelson Mandela. Nelson Mandela was the very epitome of humanity and triumph. To say RIP would seem too simple, but at the same time, no words will suffice. Any attempt to find some suitable would fall so short that RIP is the only route respectable enough to take. With that, Mr. Mandela, we salute you and we thank you.
*moment of silence*
What I find interesting is that both these people were such generous and kind individuals. Having died in the same week as 'Curb Your Appeal" co-host Bill Beckwith, who was also a notable humanitarian, I cant help but feel this death link of 3 was by completely by divine design. I mean.... I refuse to believe Mandela was illuminati.....
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Black Girls 101
This is some of the realest shit I've come across in a minute.
http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2011/12/why-are-black-girls-so-damn-difficult.html
Go to the blog and read the post. A little long, but I promise you it's an excellent read. For measure, here is the very last paragraph:
"Why is the woman in the Statefarm Ad yelling = her boyfriend. Why is Yvette in Baby Boy yelling = Jody. Why does NeNe need money to make her feel confident = An abusive husband. Show me a damaged woman and I’ll show you a man who damaged her ass, be it her Daddy or a boyfriend. With all these jokes about Black Girl Attitude, no one ever looks to the source of why she’s rolling her eyes and cocking her head in disgust. She’s mad because she’s been done wrong. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how a girl who was so nice in high school is now jaded and fussy. What happened to her? People who come back from The War aren’t the same, and love is Vietnam. When a woman is cheated on, toyed with, or constantly lied to; that shit strips her of that innocence and corrodes her patience. I’ve experienced a lot of women who have chips on their shoulders and they took it out on me, even though I wasn’t to blame. Regardless of race, all women who have been hurt have those kinds of walls up; Black girls just express it in a certain way. If she’s blowing up over small shit, then best believe there are bigger issues at hand. In the words of Drizzy, “Who’s paying for all that therapy, um nigga not me“. We as men should not be made to pay for what the guy before us did to her, but we shouldn’t be so quick to add fuel to the fire either. Instead of helping her deal with those anger issues or giving her a shoulder to cry on, most of us just get her to drop her guard long enough to smash, then bounce because we don’t want to deal with her crazy ass. Imagine that happening to you several times? That’s the reason Black women rage against the machine known as mankind because a large percentage have been cut open, stitched up, then had those stitches ripped out again. By the time she meets a guy who could be Mr. Right, she’s hiding behind her attitude because that’s the only defense mechanism she has left. The perception that Black girls are hard to get along with or ticking time bombs is propaganda. If you treat a Black woman right and take time to understand her, Black girls aren’t any more difficult than any other women, in fact, Black girls are easy."
Excuse me while I shout around my bedroom...
http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2011/12/why-are-black-girls-so-damn-difficult.html
Go to the blog and read the post. A little long, but I promise you it's an excellent read. For measure, here is the very last paragraph:
"Why is the woman in the Statefarm Ad yelling = her boyfriend. Why is Yvette in Baby Boy yelling = Jody. Why does NeNe need money to make her feel confident = An abusive husband. Show me a damaged woman and I’ll show you a man who damaged her ass, be it her Daddy or a boyfriend. With all these jokes about Black Girl Attitude, no one ever looks to the source of why she’s rolling her eyes and cocking her head in disgust. She’s mad because she’s been done wrong. I’ve seen it with my own eyes how a girl who was so nice in high school is now jaded and fussy. What happened to her? People who come back from The War aren’t the same, and love is Vietnam. When a woman is cheated on, toyed with, or constantly lied to; that shit strips her of that innocence and corrodes her patience. I’ve experienced a lot of women who have chips on their shoulders and they took it out on me, even though I wasn’t to blame. Regardless of race, all women who have been hurt have those kinds of walls up; Black girls just express it in a certain way. If she’s blowing up over small shit, then best believe there are bigger issues at hand. In the words of Drizzy, “Who’s paying for all that therapy, um nigga not me“. We as men should not be made to pay for what the guy before us did to her, but we shouldn’t be so quick to add fuel to the fire either. Instead of helping her deal with those anger issues or giving her a shoulder to cry on, most of us just get her to drop her guard long enough to smash, then bounce because we don’t want to deal with her crazy ass. Imagine that happening to you several times? That’s the reason Black women rage against the machine known as mankind because a large percentage have been cut open, stitched up, then had those stitches ripped out again. By the time she meets a guy who could be Mr. Right, she’s hiding behind her attitude because that’s the only defense mechanism she has left. The perception that Black girls are hard to get along with or ticking time bombs is propaganda. If you treat a Black woman right and take time to understand her, Black girls aren’t any more difficult than any other women, in fact, Black girls are easy."
Excuse me while I shout around my bedroom...
What's Love Got To Do With It?
Just wanted to get this off my chest, but Ima make it quick.
The background: you have a soul mate who also feels you are theirs. You date for a period of time and then for whatever reason, you part ways. Years later as great friends, you both take responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship, however life went on in the between time and at least one of you is now married with children.
First of all, there is nothing cute about a married man addressing another woman as "Mrs. [insert last name]" - NOTHING. I don't care if you say (or even truly feel) she should have been your wife. She isn't. Not only is it hurtful to her if she still has feelings for you, serving as a reminder that she cant be with you but its disrespectful as hell to the actual wife you are about to go home to. Im sure you think its a stroke to the ego to let this woman know you still feel this way about her but newsflash, homie: Its not. Why? Quite simply, love aint got shit to do with it. Life aint about feelings, life is about choices and the situations that result from the ones you make. Sure, we would all have made different decisions at certain points in time if only we had known "something" but the best lesson anyone could have learned along the way is not to make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances.
When you go on with your life, let her go on with hers too. Don't strain the friendship you've been able to settle into by constantly pulling her back with all your lamentation. If she still has feelings for you, trust, she's had her own struggles with it but if she's managed to keep it moving despite that, let her. You cant, you say? Well, why not? Oh! You love her! Well why didnt you say so? GTFOH LOL
Message of the day: If you don't "love" her enough to be with her, leave her alone.
The background: you have a soul mate who also feels you are theirs. You date for a period of time and then for whatever reason, you part ways. Years later as great friends, you both take responsibility for your role in the demise of the relationship, however life went on in the between time and at least one of you is now married with children.
First of all, there is nothing cute about a married man addressing another woman as "Mrs. [insert last name]" - NOTHING. I don't care if you say (or even truly feel) she should have been your wife. She isn't. Not only is it hurtful to her if she still has feelings for you, serving as a reminder that she cant be with you but its disrespectful as hell to the actual wife you are about to go home to. Im sure you think its a stroke to the ego to let this woman know you still feel this way about her but newsflash, homie: Its not. Why? Quite simply, love aint got shit to do with it. Life aint about feelings, life is about choices and the situations that result from the ones you make. Sure, we would all have made different decisions at certain points in time if only we had known "something" but the best lesson anyone could have learned along the way is not to make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances.
When you go on with your life, let her go on with hers too. Don't strain the friendship you've been able to settle into by constantly pulling her back with all your lamentation. If she still has feelings for you, trust, she's had her own struggles with it but if she's managed to keep it moving despite that, let her. You cant, you say? Well, why not? Oh! You love her! Well why didnt you say so? GTFOH LOL
Message of the day: If you don't "love" her enough to be with her, leave her alone.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
A lesson in humility
I learned some shit about myself the other day that kinda bugged me out and Im still picking it apart trying to get every morsel of insight out of it like those last little pieces of meat caught in the tendons of a chicken wing LOL. It can only make me better.
See I had this drink date planned with...... someone a lotta people know. I originally scheduled it for Friday because I had planned to go out for drinks with a coworker but I had a half day, whereas she didn't. So when the date came up, I said cool, this will kill that time in between and I'll just go back downtown after. As luck would have it, Halloween partying kicked my coworker's ass so she didn't even come in to work. No need for me to kill time anymore and now I kinda wanna just go home. I did have every intention of going on the date when I made the plans because I was genuinely interested in getting to know the dude but at the same time, him being who he was, I knew nothing was really gonna come of it so come 12:00, I actually considered canceling. I mean I aint really into going through the motions no more, you know what Im sayin? But my girlfriend reminded me of my commitment to LIVE life and not having other plans for the night, I'd be mad at myself later if I didnt go. I knew she was right so I sucked it up and went. I get to Harlem, we hug, he kisses me on the cheek and we start the slow stroll down 125th St. I've got no idea where we're going but he points out his house as we pass it. I almost felt a little special, but I digress LOL. He says we're walking up to the park. Cool.
So let's cut to the chase; we never did go get that drink. This dude talked the entire nearly 3 hours on that bench, which was the first shock of the day because he had seemed to be such the man of few words the couple of times we chatted/texted prior. Im guessing he's just more of a talker than a typer like most guys are but he was also really passionate about the stuff he was saying and that always puts more gas in the tank. With some very colorful anecdotes, he talked about how our bodies deteriorate at the pace they do partly because the human body was not engineered to digest "well" cooked meat and that we're cooking all the vitamins out of our vegetables as well. He eats accordingly. He talked about some other things regarding anatomy using terms I'm unfamiliar with so I cant recount it to you, but he essentially attributed all of it to population control; we're being conditioned to live in ways that ensure that we'll die off earlier, making room on the planet for babies LOL. Then he talked about chemtrails. Then he talked about how ghetto kids are being mind-fucked into playing basketball on computers so they wont play it outside, thereby eliminating that potential avenue out of the ghetto. He talked about the worthlessness of the dollar. He talked about Clinton/Lewinsky being a setup. He talked about Kendrick Lamar (and others) and how nobody's gonna be hearing from him in a year because he's not marketable. He talked about the bailout. He talked about the Constitution LOL. He talked about Katrina and FEMA, which I have to say was a very interesting conversation because he told me some things I didn't know. To be fair, he told me a lot of things I didn't know, but that was the only thing I admitted out loud to him LOL.
Bruh LITERALLY talked the entire time. He did stop to ask me a question here and there to gauge my own personal knowledge of whatever he was talking about, and I'd pretend I thought the question was rhetorical LOL Like dude, I aint come out here for all this LOL. But here is the interesting part; where I would normally have been miserable in that situation, I actually found it very entertaining AND informative. The guy's charismatic, so he's animated when he speaks. He's expressive with his face, very engaging. I also happened to notice every little time he touched me unnecessarily, how he sat so close but still found a way to get closer. At one point he pulled me over and kissed me on the cheek again like "bless your heart" when I said something he thought was silly. I mean even though he was talking my head off about random shit, it wasn't a seminar. There was a little banter back and forth here and there but none of it was me contradicting anything he said. I'd ask clarification. I'd say something was interesting. I'd ask his opinion on conflicting positions. What I didn't want to do is make myself his adversary, only I didn't realize I was doing that until I was on my way home. In fact, I didn't realize any of this until then.
I walked away from that park bench thinking "Good, its finally over." I hadn't been bored but I hadn't really learned anything personal about the guy, nor did he about me. Despite his closeness, there was really no intimacy to it either. It just didn't feel like a date and honestly, I was feeling like he wasn't somebody I'd even want to date. He's overbearing, knows too much about too much, and he's a Leo LOL. He'll always wanna be right, which means everything is gonna turn into a debate and you know how much you hate that, I said to myself LOL. He's a health nut, he's gonna have you running and eating raw baby hens and shit LOL. He damn sure aint having it with you smoking. He was cool; if I got the chance to hang out with him again, I probably would, but there's no way I could date this guy.
Fast forward to the PATH train and I find myself smiling. What the fuck is the smile about, Dig? (Is what Im saying to myself LOL) and this is when I realize all the stuff I said up there ^ and I also realize that while I spent all the way up to that time telling myself I'd never date him, he's exactly the kind of guy I SHOULD be dating. Somebody who challenges me - not just about my knowledge of a thing but getting me to evaluate from time to time why I believe what I believe or do what I do. Is there a better way to do something? Am I open to new things/alternatives, and if not, why not? I am very much a creature of habit so I need somebody to tap me on the shoulder sometimes and remind me to take my own temperature every now and then. Oddly enough, I think the cosmos had this revelation in the works for a few days prior cause I recently realized I only buy Folgers instant coffee for my house but guess what? I really don't like the shit LMAO! I buy it because its the only one my mother would buy and she had convinced me that it was the best there was, when in actuality, its kind of bitter and gives me the bubble guts LOL. Sorry for the TMI but Im saying. Now back to the story..... he's a health nut. Okay. Maybe he'll force it on you, maybe he wont, but would it really be a bad thing to get more fit or eat healthier? I mean sure, he use to run from Jersey to the Bronx (that shit cray) but that doesn't mean he'd expect you to. He doesn't even do it anymore LOL.
But yall get my drift - its like I was afraid of impending progress. All the things about him I was telling myself I didn't want to be bothered with are all the things I actually need to complement me. Problem is people like him don't tend to think people like me are good enough for them and I feel like to an extent, I was feeling that way too. We really had no personal conversation at all so he has no idea whether I work out or not, how I eat, if I smoke, whether I mismanage my money.....sigh LOL...... but I know and it made me feel inferior. Then I realized I felt inferior because I am embarrassed by some of those things. To me they are flaws (you know, those things nobody wants to admit to having LOL) but they should be looked at as opportunities for improvement. When you sit in denial of your shortcomings, they can be held against you. That's where insecurity comes from - the fear that something unsavory about you will be exposed. When you embrace them, you can open up to the things that will enable you to better them. I cant effectively fill a hole I won't acknowledge is there, right? But I mean, its hard because we want to present ourselves as perfect people, especially to people who come off perfect to us. As soon as you realize just how much you don't measure up, at least in your mind, the first reaction is usually to run before they see what you see. They wont want you so you preempt their rejection by rejecting them first, ya with me? But this time I called myself out on it and said you know what Dig, that's some bullshit and you know it LOL. Stop rationalizing settling for the cats that cosign you living fucked up out here, how they gonna improve your life by just being company to live fucked up with LOL. Smartest person in a room fulla dummies..... just blissfully unimproved and shit LOL.....smh
*giggle fit*
For real though. End of the day, I don't know if Im ever gonna see this guy again. I feel like THIS meetup was highly unlikely so.... the fact that I didnt leave that park feeling like there were any real intentions makes me think not. Its probably for the best, again, him being who he is. I don't need that kinda stress LOL. Im okay with the occasional text or chat. But he at least opened my eyes to something I hadn't seen before. I've been thinking about it ever since. Even stopped and picked up one of these on the way home:
24 hours smoke-free. #babysteps
See I had this drink date planned with...... someone a lotta people know. I originally scheduled it for Friday because I had planned to go out for drinks with a coworker but I had a half day, whereas she didn't. So when the date came up, I said cool, this will kill that time in between and I'll just go back downtown after. As luck would have it, Halloween partying kicked my coworker's ass so she didn't even come in to work. No need for me to kill time anymore and now I kinda wanna just go home. I did have every intention of going on the date when I made the plans because I was genuinely interested in getting to know the dude but at the same time, him being who he was, I knew nothing was really gonna come of it so come 12:00, I actually considered canceling. I mean I aint really into going through the motions no more, you know what Im sayin? But my girlfriend reminded me of my commitment to LIVE life and not having other plans for the night, I'd be mad at myself later if I didnt go. I knew she was right so I sucked it up and went. I get to Harlem, we hug, he kisses me on the cheek and we start the slow stroll down 125th St. I've got no idea where we're going but he points out his house as we pass it. I almost felt a little special, but I digress LOL. He says we're walking up to the park. Cool.
So let's cut to the chase; we never did go get that drink. This dude talked the entire nearly 3 hours on that bench, which was the first shock of the day because he had seemed to be such the man of few words the couple of times we chatted/texted prior. Im guessing he's just more of a talker than a typer like most guys are but he was also really passionate about the stuff he was saying and that always puts more gas in the tank. With some very colorful anecdotes, he talked about how our bodies deteriorate at the pace they do partly because the human body was not engineered to digest "well" cooked meat and that we're cooking all the vitamins out of our vegetables as well. He eats accordingly. He talked about some other things regarding anatomy using terms I'm unfamiliar with so I cant recount it to you, but he essentially attributed all of it to population control; we're being conditioned to live in ways that ensure that we'll die off earlier, making room on the planet for babies LOL. Then he talked about chemtrails. Then he talked about how ghetto kids are being mind-fucked into playing basketball on computers so they wont play it outside, thereby eliminating that potential avenue out of the ghetto. He talked about the worthlessness of the dollar. He talked about Clinton/Lewinsky being a setup. He talked about Kendrick Lamar (and others) and how nobody's gonna be hearing from him in a year because he's not marketable. He talked about the bailout. He talked about the Constitution LOL. He talked about Katrina and FEMA, which I have to say was a very interesting conversation because he told me some things I didn't know. To be fair, he told me a lot of things I didn't know, but that was the only thing I admitted out loud to him LOL.
Bruh LITERALLY talked the entire time. He did stop to ask me a question here and there to gauge my own personal knowledge of whatever he was talking about, and I'd pretend I thought the question was rhetorical LOL Like dude, I aint come out here for all this LOL. But here is the interesting part; where I would normally have been miserable in that situation, I actually found it very entertaining AND informative. The guy's charismatic, so he's animated when he speaks. He's expressive with his face, very engaging. I also happened to notice every little time he touched me unnecessarily, how he sat so close but still found a way to get closer. At one point he pulled me over and kissed me on the cheek again like "bless your heart" when I said something he thought was silly. I mean even though he was talking my head off about random shit, it wasn't a seminar. There was a little banter back and forth here and there but none of it was me contradicting anything he said. I'd ask clarification. I'd say something was interesting. I'd ask his opinion on conflicting positions. What I didn't want to do is make myself his adversary, only I didn't realize I was doing that until I was on my way home. In fact, I didn't realize any of this until then.
I walked away from that park bench thinking "Good, its finally over." I hadn't been bored but I hadn't really learned anything personal about the guy, nor did he about me. Despite his closeness, there was really no intimacy to it either. It just didn't feel like a date and honestly, I was feeling like he wasn't somebody I'd even want to date. He's overbearing, knows too much about too much, and he's a Leo LOL. He'll always wanna be right, which means everything is gonna turn into a debate and you know how much you hate that, I said to myself LOL. He's a health nut, he's gonna have you running and eating raw baby hens and shit LOL. He damn sure aint having it with you smoking. He was cool; if I got the chance to hang out with him again, I probably would, but there's no way I could date this guy.
Fast forward to the PATH train and I find myself smiling. What the fuck is the smile about, Dig? (Is what Im saying to myself LOL) and this is when I realize all the stuff I said up there ^ and I also realize that while I spent all the way up to that time telling myself I'd never date him, he's exactly the kind of guy I SHOULD be dating. Somebody who challenges me - not just about my knowledge of a thing but getting me to evaluate from time to time why I believe what I believe or do what I do. Is there a better way to do something? Am I open to new things/alternatives, and if not, why not? I am very much a creature of habit so I need somebody to tap me on the shoulder sometimes and remind me to take my own temperature every now and then. Oddly enough, I think the cosmos had this revelation in the works for a few days prior cause I recently realized I only buy Folgers instant coffee for my house but guess what? I really don't like the shit LMAO! I buy it because its the only one my mother would buy and she had convinced me that it was the best there was, when in actuality, its kind of bitter and gives me the bubble guts LOL. Sorry for the TMI but Im saying. Now back to the story..... he's a health nut. Okay. Maybe he'll force it on you, maybe he wont, but would it really be a bad thing to get more fit or eat healthier? I mean sure, he use to run from Jersey to the Bronx (that shit cray) but that doesn't mean he'd expect you to. He doesn't even do it anymore LOL.
But yall get my drift - its like I was afraid of impending progress. All the things about him I was telling myself I didn't want to be bothered with are all the things I actually need to complement me. Problem is people like him don't tend to think people like me are good enough for them and I feel like to an extent, I was feeling that way too. We really had no personal conversation at all so he has no idea whether I work out or not, how I eat, if I smoke, whether I mismanage my money.....sigh LOL...... but I know and it made me feel inferior. Then I realized I felt inferior because I am embarrassed by some of those things. To me they are flaws (you know, those things nobody wants to admit to having LOL) but they should be looked at as opportunities for improvement. When you sit in denial of your shortcomings, they can be held against you. That's where insecurity comes from - the fear that something unsavory about you will be exposed. When you embrace them, you can open up to the things that will enable you to better them. I cant effectively fill a hole I won't acknowledge is there, right? But I mean, its hard because we want to present ourselves as perfect people, especially to people who come off perfect to us. As soon as you realize just how much you don't measure up, at least in your mind, the first reaction is usually to run before they see what you see. They wont want you so you preempt their rejection by rejecting them first, ya with me? But this time I called myself out on it and said you know what Dig, that's some bullshit and you know it LOL. Stop rationalizing settling for the cats that cosign you living fucked up out here, how they gonna improve your life by just being company to live fucked up with LOL. Smartest person in a room fulla dummies..... just blissfully unimproved and shit LOL.....smh
*giggle fit*
For real though. End of the day, I don't know if Im ever gonna see this guy again. I feel like THIS meetup was highly unlikely so.... the fact that I didnt leave that park feeling like there were any real intentions makes me think not. Its probably for the best, again, him being who he is. I don't need that kinda stress LOL. Im okay with the occasional text or chat. But he at least opened my eyes to something I hadn't seen before. I've been thinking about it ever since. Even stopped and picked up one of these on the way home:
24 hours smoke-free. #babysteps
Thursday, October 31, 2013
That moment when...
... a long-running joke is no longer funny.
None of my [official] friends who have kids have plans to have any more. I count myself among them. I cant tell you how many times we've joked about wanting to rip our uteruses out and sit them on a shelf between our Holy Bibles and the last Mother's Day card we got with glued-on macaroni noodles. That shit stops being funny when you find yourself faced with the reality of having to have it done - minus the shelf.
Friday I had what felt like menstrual cramps, only I had been off my period for like a week already. Had some spotting the day after and thought maybe all the stress I had been under recently had caused my period to double back before its time, but it never came. The spotting was over as quickly as it started. Fast forward to yesterday and Im at work doubled over at my desk in pain. I don't know if its cramps or I just need to move a bowel (pardon the TMI lol) so I go to the bathroom and am overrun with this instant nausea. Body goes weak, mouth fills with saliva and Im dry-heaving. Once again, as quickly as it comes, it disappears. This happens a second time a couple hours later, only that time, the pain is so bad, I cant even move and end up sitting in the stall for 25 minutes. Every time I tried to stand, the pain travels down my leg or my entire left side goes numb. Either way, I cant walk. By the time I finally can, the pain is so intense, Im crying. I tell my boss I have to go home and I find myself in bed with a heating pad for the rest of the night.
Now prior to all this, I was aware of the possible fibroid in my uterus but it had never caused a problem before now. I decide to see my doctor today and the ultrasound he does showed that I had a cyst which had ruptured and my pelvis was now filled with fluid (this was why I was in so much pain yesterday). Along with that are 2 fibroid tumors, one of which is the SAME FUCKEN SIZE AS MY UTERUS! Doc tells me he could remove the fibroids but if he removed them, I'd just find myself in the same situation a few years from now. He wants to remove my entire uterus. MY ENTIRE UTERUS.
Now granted, I had no intention of having any more kids, despite my statement that if I got married to an awesome man who wanted to have a baby with me, I'd consider it. That being said, Im 37. You want to remove my entire uterus? I had considered having my tubes tied or burned or whatever 2 years ago and when the time came, I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its just so.... final. I had spoken to a friend of mine who had done it and she regretted it, had it undone, and had another child. I aint having nobody's other child (LOL) but I related to her feeling of it being too soon at our age. I didn't go through with it. Again I say I in no way do I WANT another child but I wanted to come to that place on my own terms. I wanted to make the decision myself. Now that I am having all these other issues that somewhat require me to make that move, I feel like.... Im having my womanhood just wrestled away from me. I guess the silver lining is that I would still have my ovaries so I wouldn't be in menopause and need to take hormones or anything, and I'd no longer have periods (hallelujah!) but still. And the main reason this is such an issue for me is because I am TERRIFIED of going under the knife. Yall know I have this thing about borrowed time. I had the risky open heart surgery when I was 4 and didnt have to do it again when I was 14 like they thought. I came within a baby's breath of dying in a car accident back in 1995 and nearly bled to death when having my son 3 years later. I kinda feel like.... what if I've used all my gimmes? What if my luck runs out and I die on that table? Im down here by my damn self, no support, no family.... just.... what if? When I tell you I am paranoid about this shit I mean PAR-A-DAMN-NOID. But I guess all I can do is pray about it. It would really be awesome if you guys would pray about it too.
None of my [official] friends who have kids have plans to have any more. I count myself among them. I cant tell you how many times we've joked about wanting to rip our uteruses out and sit them on a shelf between our Holy Bibles and the last Mother's Day card we got with glued-on macaroni noodles. That shit stops being funny when you find yourself faced with the reality of having to have it done - minus the shelf.
Friday I had what felt like menstrual cramps, only I had been off my period for like a week already. Had some spotting the day after and thought maybe all the stress I had been under recently had caused my period to double back before its time, but it never came. The spotting was over as quickly as it started. Fast forward to yesterday and Im at work doubled over at my desk in pain. I don't know if its cramps or I just need to move a bowel (pardon the TMI lol) so I go to the bathroom and am overrun with this instant nausea. Body goes weak, mouth fills with saliva and Im dry-heaving. Once again, as quickly as it comes, it disappears. This happens a second time a couple hours later, only that time, the pain is so bad, I cant even move and end up sitting in the stall for 25 minutes. Every time I tried to stand, the pain travels down my leg or my entire left side goes numb. Either way, I cant walk. By the time I finally can, the pain is so intense, Im crying. I tell my boss I have to go home and I find myself in bed with a heating pad for the rest of the night.
Now prior to all this, I was aware of the possible fibroid in my uterus but it had never caused a problem before now. I decide to see my doctor today and the ultrasound he does showed that I had a cyst which had ruptured and my pelvis was now filled with fluid (this was why I was in so much pain yesterday). Along with that are 2 fibroid tumors, one of which is the SAME FUCKEN SIZE AS MY UTERUS! Doc tells me he could remove the fibroids but if he removed them, I'd just find myself in the same situation a few years from now. He wants to remove my entire uterus. MY ENTIRE UTERUS.
Now granted, I had no intention of having any more kids, despite my statement that if I got married to an awesome man who wanted to have a baby with me, I'd consider it. That being said, Im 37. You want to remove my entire uterus? I had considered having my tubes tied or burned or whatever 2 years ago and when the time came, I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its just so.... final. I had spoken to a friend of mine who had done it and she regretted it, had it undone, and had another child. I aint having nobody's other child (LOL) but I related to her feeling of it being too soon at our age. I didn't go through with it. Again I say I in no way do I WANT another child but I wanted to come to that place on my own terms. I wanted to make the decision myself. Now that I am having all these other issues that somewhat require me to make that move, I feel like.... Im having my womanhood just wrestled away from me. I guess the silver lining is that I would still have my ovaries so I wouldn't be in menopause and need to take hormones or anything, and I'd no longer have periods (hallelujah!) but still. And the main reason this is such an issue for me is because I am TERRIFIED of going under the knife. Yall know I have this thing about borrowed time. I had the risky open heart surgery when I was 4 and didnt have to do it again when I was 14 like they thought. I came within a baby's breath of dying in a car accident back in 1995 and nearly bled to death when having my son 3 years later. I kinda feel like.... what if I've used all my gimmes? What if my luck runs out and I die on that table? Im down here by my damn self, no support, no family.... just.... what if? When I tell you I am paranoid about this shit I mean PAR-A-DAMN-NOID. But I guess all I can do is pray about it. It would really be awesome if you guys would pray about it too.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Retrospect
I was talking to a guy I met recently and he said he couldn't believe that I wasn't married. "Just waiting for the right guy, I guess," I said. "Not in a relationship though?" he counters. "Well.... I've learned not to rush into relationships. Men don't tend to be who they tell me they are," is my response. Of course, this spawns a plethora of other questions, the guy wanting to know what I meant and what my experience has been. The conversation, as casual as it was, made me concerned about what he might be thinking but whatever. The important thing was it got me to thinking.
I've only been cheated on once in a relationship - to my knowledge LOL. I tend to be the woman a man is cheating WITH. And its not that Im some home wrecker on the prowl. Men tend to approach me as single and unaffiliated and its not until later that I find out they are married or have a serious girlfriend. It pisses me off just to thinking about it but in analyzing the situation, that man is always gonna come off like the perfect guy to a woman looking to be wooed. He has nothing to lose by being everything you want him to be because he's already got "reality" at home. He will feed the fantasy because he's looking for the fantasy himself. So he will be flowers and sweet nothings and random text messages during your morning coffee. He wants you to think of him in the way his wife or girlfriend doesn't anymore. He wants to get back what he's lost at home, only in the ridiculousness that is the male gender, he somehow doesn't see that he cant get it back in his home by looking for it out in the street. But of course that doesn't explain away every cheating man's actions. Some of them just aint shit. They could have Claire Huxtable at home and they would still be in the street looking for Lisa Bonet LOL.
I mean this to be a cautionary tale but not to the extent that you blow a good thing you got going. If you can cross all his T's and dot all his I's then by all means, rock on. I mean nobody would be married if it wasnt legit SOMETIMES. But if things seem sketchy and you cant reach him at certain hours and he's always coming to you rather than you going to him and there are things that don't add up.... and I mean things that if your girlfriend called and told you about her new boo would make you tell her how stupid she's being.... maybe you should take a step back and make sure he's who and what he says he is.
I know Im not the only woman who has dealt with this time and time again. We love to feel special. We love to think somebody could finally see the good in us. We love to have something to hold on to... something that makes us smile while we drift off to sleep at night. We love love. And we love it so much that when we think we've found it, we don't want to see anything that might derail that train, even if our gut tells us that train is headed off a cliff in flames. But you better believe when that shit is over.... oh we see it. Boyyyyy do we see it.
End of the night he told me he's real and he'll never tell me he's anything other than what he is. That's yet to be seen. Don't mean to sound skeptical but I've heard it before. That being said, I wont hold him accountable for the BS I've dealt with from anybody else. He could be legit. Hell, anybody could. But he could also be fulla shit LOL.
We'll see.
I've only been cheated on once in a relationship - to my knowledge LOL. I tend to be the woman a man is cheating WITH. And its not that Im some home wrecker on the prowl. Men tend to approach me as single and unaffiliated and its not until later that I find out they are married or have a serious girlfriend. It pisses me off just to thinking about it but in analyzing the situation, that man is always gonna come off like the perfect guy to a woman looking to be wooed. He has nothing to lose by being everything you want him to be because he's already got "reality" at home. He will feed the fantasy because he's looking for the fantasy himself. So he will be flowers and sweet nothings and random text messages during your morning coffee. He wants you to think of him in the way his wife or girlfriend doesn't anymore. He wants to get back what he's lost at home, only in the ridiculousness that is the male gender, he somehow doesn't see that he cant get it back in his home by looking for it out in the street. But of course that doesn't explain away every cheating man's actions. Some of them just aint shit. They could have Claire Huxtable at home and they would still be in the street looking for Lisa Bonet LOL.
I mean this to be a cautionary tale but not to the extent that you blow a good thing you got going. If you can cross all his T's and dot all his I's then by all means, rock on. I mean nobody would be married if it wasnt legit SOMETIMES. But if things seem sketchy and you cant reach him at certain hours and he's always coming to you rather than you going to him and there are things that don't add up.... and I mean things that if your girlfriend called and told you about her new boo would make you tell her how stupid she's being.... maybe you should take a step back and make sure he's who and what he says he is.
I know Im not the only woman who has dealt with this time and time again. We love to feel special. We love to think somebody could finally see the good in us. We love to have something to hold on to... something that makes us smile while we drift off to sleep at night. We love love. And we love it so much that when we think we've found it, we don't want to see anything that might derail that train, even if our gut tells us that train is headed off a cliff in flames. But you better believe when that shit is over.... oh we see it. Boyyyyy do we see it.
End of the night he told me he's real and he'll never tell me he's anything other than what he is. That's yet to be seen. Don't mean to sound skeptical but I've heard it before. That being said, I wont hold him accountable for the BS I've dealt with from anybody else. He could be legit. Hell, anybody could. But he could also be fulla shit LOL.
We'll see.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
God is good!
I was talking to my friend last week about how recently I find myself broke again on the same day I was paid, you know, trying to pay everything all at once. This week wasn't looking good to be any different and to make matters worse, I apparently missed a bill last time around because I woke up to my Direct TV being off. I shook my head and told my son I would take care of it, but on the way to work had basically convinced myself not to because keeping it off for a while meant one less bill to pay and would free up a little money for us to try to get ahead.
Typical of pay day, I get to work and start going to all the websites where bills needed to be paid, checking due dates and balances and mapping out my game plan. Expecting it be a hundred and something dollars, just for shits and giggles, I went to the Direct TV site to see what the situation was. As I figured, the total due was something like $142 but a second look revealed that $37 of it was past due. So I hadn't neglected to pay it last time, I just somehow managed to short pay it. Then I thought to myself "Did those motherfuckers shut off my service for $37?" LOL...smh. The other weird thing is that the note above it said that my service would be interrupted if I didn't make payment by 11/15. "So...... why was it cut off this morning?" LOL Long story short, I paid the $37 and the service was reinstated.
I also had another bill that was supposed to be drafted from my account on Friday, but it never was. I call them like "Whats up?" and am told that they have been in the process of going from ACH drafting to a debit network and have been emailing me to contact them with my debit card information in order for the payment to be made. Guess those "select all" deletes aren't always such a great idea LOL. Anyway, the chick tells me that since I called in to update my information, they were going to enter me into a daily drawing for an IPAD mini AND take $50 off the $150 payment. #score
On top of that, I got a card in the mail for $145 worth of groceries. God is so good to me, I'm about to cut a step!
#hallelujah
Typical of pay day, I get to work and start going to all the websites where bills needed to be paid, checking due dates and balances and mapping out my game plan. Expecting it be a hundred and something dollars, just for shits and giggles, I went to the Direct TV site to see what the situation was. As I figured, the total due was something like $142 but a second look revealed that $37 of it was past due. So I hadn't neglected to pay it last time, I just somehow managed to short pay it. Then I thought to myself "Did those motherfuckers shut off my service for $37?" LOL...smh. The other weird thing is that the note above it said that my service would be interrupted if I didn't make payment by 11/15. "So...... why was it cut off this morning?" LOL Long story short, I paid the $37 and the service was reinstated.
I also had another bill that was supposed to be drafted from my account on Friday, but it never was. I call them like "Whats up?" and am told that they have been in the process of going from ACH drafting to a debit network and have been emailing me to contact them with my debit card information in order for the payment to be made. Guess those "select all" deletes aren't always such a great idea LOL. Anyway, the chick tells me that since I called in to update my information, they were going to enter me into a daily drawing for an IPAD mini AND take $50 off the $150 payment. #score
On top of that, I got a card in the mail for $145 worth of groceries. God is so good to me, I'm about to cut a step!
#hallelujah
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Prose Unintended
Something scared me today.
It wasn't a "Boo!" scare but a slowly creeping quake that got bigger and bigger until it settled into my bones and I didn't find myself shaking until ten minutes later.
I didn't find myself crying until the moment I tried to articulate to another relevant party what it was that had scared me and I heard the words out loud, which seemed to all at once breathe life into what had previously only been a thought.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than not knowing what to do but knowing what NOT to do is nothing.
An hour after a desperate call that Im still not sure I should have yet made, the only thing I can think to do is turn my focus away from what I cant "unsee", giving it to God and turning my focus on me.
I only came in here to open a window to throw my pissed in pot out of.... release this nervous energy that has me pacing around my own house as if I don't live here.... and it turned into this.
It wasn't a "Boo!" scare but a slowly creeping quake that got bigger and bigger until it settled into my bones and I didn't find myself shaking until ten minutes later.
I didn't find myself crying until the moment I tried to articulate to another relevant party what it was that had scared me and I heard the words out loud, which seemed to all at once breathe life into what had previously only been a thought.
Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than not knowing what to do but knowing what NOT to do is nothing.
An hour after a desperate call that Im still not sure I should have yet made, the only thing I can think to do is turn my focus away from what I cant "unsee", giving it to God and turning my focus on me.
I only came in here to open a window to throw my pissed in pot out of.... release this nervous energy that has me pacing around my own house as if I don't live here.... and it turned into this.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
18 Things Every Person Must Do In Their Lifetime
Reposting this because I feel its kind of the message of my blog, though colorfully delivered....
18 Things Every Person Must Do In Their Lifetime
Oct. 6, 2013
By Brianna Wiest info
happ
1. Accept that there will be whole swaths of you that will always seem like a mystery. There will be things that may never make sense. There will be questions that may always go unanswered. Despite this, you must stop questioning the steady sense of knowing your body somehow delivers to you anyway. Even when logic would seem to defeat it, and your mind is combatting it furiously. That knowing is your truth. That knowing is what you have to act on without sound reason. We call this the leap of faith. Learn to take it.
2. Learn what it means to have radical empathy. Realize that underneath it all we are the same. We have all suffered. We have all known loss, heartbreak, grief, sadness, tragedy and misfortune, all in the uniqueness of our own experiences. You may not know what someone’s story is but you do know what it feels like to have a knife going through you when you lose someone you love. What it’s like to be completely alone and thwarted from society. You always have the ability to understand people at that very raw, human level. It’s only a matter of how much you’re willing to see yourself in them.
3. If you love someone, freaking tell them. Write it on notes next to their bed and in journals that they’ll one day find and interrupt their sentences with it if you have to. There is nothing more important than being vocal about loving someone. You want to know the truth? We are all starving for love and acceptance and if you love someone you need to tell them that without being afraid that they don’t love you as much, or at all. That’s not love. That’s greed. That’s neediness. That’s the desire for affirmation and attention. Love, in it’s purest, untapped form, does not hinge on the requirement that they’ll love you in return.
4. Let loving someone or not loving someone be enough in deciding whether or not you want to be with them. The rest are augmentable details. But that core is unchanging.
5. Have a verifiably effective plan for coping with emotional pain. Sometimes wicked anxiety crops up out of nowhere. Some days we’ll be just going along our way and then all of a sudden all of the issues of our childhood come sweeping back through us like we never grew out of them and we panic and hold onto them because we don’t know how to let go because it seems like doing so will give them the power to sneak up on us again. In these moments, you need a friend to call and a shoulder to lean on and a playlist to blast and a journal to write in. And somewhere in that journal, you need to have written: “this too shall pass.”
6. Stop trying to convince people to love you. With what you wear, in sullied comments that dig for their appreciation, in how your interests have forcefully evolved to complement or mirror those of whom you are so desperately trying to win over. Stop doing things so you’ll be regarded highly in other people’s opinions. That won’t make them love you more. It will only drive you farther away from yourself.
7. Learn to say sorry and mean it. Realize that what most wisdom stems from is forgiveness: for ourselves, for others, for what happened and for what’s missing, for what’s unstable and what’s gone unacknowledged. Realize that you won’t always receive an apology and you still may have to find forgiveness anyway. Realize that’s the only way to understand just how powerful a genuine apology can be.
8. Write lists and make goals and always keep yourself moving toward something. Joy is in the moment, but hope is in tomorrow. It’s a fine balance that takes lifetimes to perfect. Don’t feel bad if you err toward one mindset or another. Just don’t forget that when you do fall too deeply into focusing on today or tomorrow, that you always have the other option.
9. Accept that while most things end up okay, not everything does. Some things may dig themselves into you and you’ll carry them through your whole life. Sometimes things go mysteriously unresolved. Sometimes you’ll fight hard and lose. Sometimes you’ll be so far in denial that acceptance isn’t something you start to approach for years. It’s important to be okay with not being okay. It’s part of the human condition. It’s very beautiful if you let it show you a deeper route into yourself.
10. Stand up for what’s just. Stand up for love and stand up for equality and respect. Don’t be a bystander in someone else’s life but more importantly, don’t be a bystander in your own.
11. Let yourself be useless sometimes. You can’t spend your entire life reveling in achievement. In fact, you’ll spend most of your days on your knees grappling with what you’re most passionate about. You’ll turn up on the other side eventually, but not without days upon days of climbing.
12. Say thank you even when you don’t feel gratitude. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel it, but sometimes you just might not. But saying “thank you” is one of those rare things in which you do entirely for the other person. Saying thank you doesn’t help you. It helps the other person want to give again. You won’t understand what “thank you” means until it’s given to you after you’ve truly given to someone else. Foster that for other people and keep the cycle going. It will come back to you eventually.
13. Never go into anything thinking you are entitled to it because you are talented, because you have suffered for it or because it’s time for the universe to cater to your needs just this once. This will never be the truth.
14. Buy a notebook. Write down what you want. Write down what hurts you. Show it to someone you love. Save it for your children. Burn it in your backyard. Either way, go to bed knowing that in some way, those things are out of you.
15. Know the difference between the limits that withhold you and the limits that are crucial for you to obey. Draw your lines accordingly. Live your life around them.
16. Learn to comfort someone. Head nods and “I understands” won’t mean jack shit when someone is really in the depths of something. If you love someone, know when it’s time to order their favorite food and hold their hand the way they like and respond in the way they are looking to be responded to. Sometimes it’s with empathy and understanding, sometimes it’s with problem-solving mechanisms and jokes to lighten things. You won’t know unless you know someone thoroughly. There are reasons people don’t just look to anybody when they’re really in need. These are them.
17. Learn to enjoy talking about something that doesn’t come at the expense of someone else.
18. Realize how important it is to mourn properly. This means letting yourself be a whole big ball of effing mess now and again. Things and people will phase in and out as scheduled. You can’t keep holding on for their return because most often, they won’t come. But that withholding will shape you, and it will shape you through your own self-induced pain and suffering. If you don’t want that to be your story, write it a different way. It starts with saying goodbye to what’s not meant for us and what’s left inexplicably. Your quality of life will completely depend on how well you embrace this. Choose wisely. TC Mark
18 Things Every Person Must Do In Their Lifetime
Oct. 6, 2013
By Brianna Wiest info
happ
1. Accept that there will be whole swaths of you that will always seem like a mystery. There will be things that may never make sense. There will be questions that may always go unanswered. Despite this, you must stop questioning the steady sense of knowing your body somehow delivers to you anyway. Even when logic would seem to defeat it, and your mind is combatting it furiously. That knowing is your truth. That knowing is what you have to act on without sound reason. We call this the leap of faith. Learn to take it.
2. Learn what it means to have radical empathy. Realize that underneath it all we are the same. We have all suffered. We have all known loss, heartbreak, grief, sadness, tragedy and misfortune, all in the uniqueness of our own experiences. You may not know what someone’s story is but you do know what it feels like to have a knife going through you when you lose someone you love. What it’s like to be completely alone and thwarted from society. You always have the ability to understand people at that very raw, human level. It’s only a matter of how much you’re willing to see yourself in them.
3. If you love someone, freaking tell them. Write it on notes next to their bed and in journals that they’ll one day find and interrupt their sentences with it if you have to. There is nothing more important than being vocal about loving someone. You want to know the truth? We are all starving for love and acceptance and if you love someone you need to tell them that without being afraid that they don’t love you as much, or at all. That’s not love. That’s greed. That’s neediness. That’s the desire for affirmation and attention. Love, in it’s purest, untapped form, does not hinge on the requirement that they’ll love you in return.
4. Let loving someone or not loving someone be enough in deciding whether or not you want to be with them. The rest are augmentable details. But that core is unchanging.
5. Have a verifiably effective plan for coping with emotional pain. Sometimes wicked anxiety crops up out of nowhere. Some days we’ll be just going along our way and then all of a sudden all of the issues of our childhood come sweeping back through us like we never grew out of them and we panic and hold onto them because we don’t know how to let go because it seems like doing so will give them the power to sneak up on us again. In these moments, you need a friend to call and a shoulder to lean on and a playlist to blast and a journal to write in. And somewhere in that journal, you need to have written: “this too shall pass.”
6. Stop trying to convince people to love you. With what you wear, in sullied comments that dig for their appreciation, in how your interests have forcefully evolved to complement or mirror those of whom you are so desperately trying to win over. Stop doing things so you’ll be regarded highly in other people’s opinions. That won’t make them love you more. It will only drive you farther away from yourself.
7. Learn to say sorry and mean it. Realize that what most wisdom stems from is forgiveness: for ourselves, for others, for what happened and for what’s missing, for what’s unstable and what’s gone unacknowledged. Realize that you won’t always receive an apology and you still may have to find forgiveness anyway. Realize that’s the only way to understand just how powerful a genuine apology can be.
8. Write lists and make goals and always keep yourself moving toward something. Joy is in the moment, but hope is in tomorrow. It’s a fine balance that takes lifetimes to perfect. Don’t feel bad if you err toward one mindset or another. Just don’t forget that when you do fall too deeply into focusing on today or tomorrow, that you always have the other option.
9. Accept that while most things end up okay, not everything does. Some things may dig themselves into you and you’ll carry them through your whole life. Sometimes things go mysteriously unresolved. Sometimes you’ll fight hard and lose. Sometimes you’ll be so far in denial that acceptance isn’t something you start to approach for years. It’s important to be okay with not being okay. It’s part of the human condition. It’s very beautiful if you let it show you a deeper route into yourself.
10. Stand up for what’s just. Stand up for love and stand up for equality and respect. Don’t be a bystander in someone else’s life but more importantly, don’t be a bystander in your own.
11. Let yourself be useless sometimes. You can’t spend your entire life reveling in achievement. In fact, you’ll spend most of your days on your knees grappling with what you’re most passionate about. You’ll turn up on the other side eventually, but not without days upon days of climbing.
12. Say thank you even when you don’t feel gratitude. It’s not that you shouldn’t feel it, but sometimes you just might not. But saying “thank you” is one of those rare things in which you do entirely for the other person. Saying thank you doesn’t help you. It helps the other person want to give again. You won’t understand what “thank you” means until it’s given to you after you’ve truly given to someone else. Foster that for other people and keep the cycle going. It will come back to you eventually.
13. Never go into anything thinking you are entitled to it because you are talented, because you have suffered for it or because it’s time for the universe to cater to your needs just this once. This will never be the truth.
14. Buy a notebook. Write down what you want. Write down what hurts you. Show it to someone you love. Save it for your children. Burn it in your backyard. Either way, go to bed knowing that in some way, those things are out of you.
15. Know the difference between the limits that withhold you and the limits that are crucial for you to obey. Draw your lines accordingly. Live your life around them.
16. Learn to comfort someone. Head nods and “I understands” won’t mean jack shit when someone is really in the depths of something. If you love someone, know when it’s time to order their favorite food and hold their hand the way they like and respond in the way they are looking to be responded to. Sometimes it’s with empathy and understanding, sometimes it’s with problem-solving mechanisms and jokes to lighten things. You won’t know unless you know someone thoroughly. There are reasons people don’t just look to anybody when they’re really in need. These are them.
17. Learn to enjoy talking about something that doesn’t come at the expense of someone else.
18. Realize how important it is to mourn properly. This means letting yourself be a whole big ball of effing mess now and again. Things and people will phase in and out as scheduled. You can’t keep holding on for their return because most often, they won’t come. But that withholding will shape you, and it will shape you through your own self-induced pain and suffering. If you don’t want that to be your story, write it a different way. It starts with saying goodbye to what’s not meant for us and what’s left inexplicably. Your quality of life will completely depend on how well you embrace this. Choose wisely. TC Mark
Okay so Im afraid.....
....of my clothes LOL
I was talking to one of my girls the other day and a light bulb went off: I'm a fat girl in a slim body. I've never been a FAT girl by most standards but I had gotten kinda chunky a few years ago and as yall know, I dropped [most of] the weight I wanted to lose over the past year. What I didn't know is that "fat" can be a condition - one where you still ACT as such even when you no longer are. Like muhfucken Learned Helplessness or some shit LOL.
I can fit all my old clothes again but its like I refuse to wear them. I'll set out a banging outfit for work the night before but get up in the morning, decide "I don't really feel like that today" and put on something a lot more conservative.... or black LOL. (I never noticed before but yo, I got a LOTTA black and gray in this bitch LOL) And I really believed "I just don't feel like that today" but the more I thought about what I was saying to my girlfriend, the more I realized it wasn't entirely the case.
I feel like these clothes ended up so far in the back of my closet that I had almost completely disassociated myself from them. I was trained to not fit them so even when I could, in my mind, I still couldn't. I'd go so far as to pull them out, iron them, and ready them for wear, but its like some invisible fence just never lets me go through with it. I almost feel like Im not supposed to wear them for some reason. Its crazy. And its the same with my shoes. I got mad shoes, son, and there's pairs I have had for like 2 years and never worn once. Ever. Where they do that at?
So Im off for a couple days this week and my mission is to somehow get over this madness of being afraid of my clothes. Im pairing up stuff - multiple options this time, so I am not cornered into just one that I can "not feel like" my way out of. But we'll see how it goes - yall know I'm the queen of loopholes LOL...
I was talking to one of my girls the other day and a light bulb went off: I'm a fat girl in a slim body. I've never been a FAT girl by most standards but I had gotten kinda chunky a few years ago and as yall know, I dropped [most of] the weight I wanted to lose over the past year. What I didn't know is that "fat" can be a condition - one where you still ACT as such even when you no longer are. Like muhfucken Learned Helplessness or some shit LOL.
I can fit all my old clothes again but its like I refuse to wear them. I'll set out a banging outfit for work the night before but get up in the morning, decide "I don't really feel like that today" and put on something a lot more conservative.... or black LOL. (I never noticed before but yo, I got a LOTTA black and gray in this bitch LOL) And I really believed "I just don't feel like that today" but the more I thought about what I was saying to my girlfriend, the more I realized it wasn't entirely the case.
I feel like these clothes ended up so far in the back of my closet that I had almost completely disassociated myself from them. I was trained to not fit them so even when I could, in my mind, I still couldn't. I'd go so far as to pull them out, iron them, and ready them for wear, but its like some invisible fence just never lets me go through with it. I almost feel like Im not supposed to wear them for some reason. Its crazy. And its the same with my shoes. I got mad shoes, son, and there's pairs I have had for like 2 years and never worn once. Ever. Where they do that at?
So Im off for a couple days this week and my mission is to somehow get over this madness of being afraid of my clothes. Im pairing up stuff - multiple options this time, so I am not cornered into just one that I can "not feel like" my way out of. But we'll see how it goes - yall know I'm the queen of loopholes LOL...
Monday, September 30, 2013
Lazy spirit, be gone!
I remember, when I was younger, hearing older people - women - talking about spirits and people having a _______ spirit in them or in their homes when shit was going on and thinking WTF are you talking about? Why everything gotta be about a spirit? Them bitches just _______, that's it LOL. But I'll be damned if I don't subscribe to that shit now as an adult.
I think the first time I realized it was a year or two before I relocated. I just had this.... laziness to me every time I walked through the door. I'd be at work thinking about all the stuff I was gonna do when I got home and just an hour later when I arrived, I'd put everything down, take everything off, shower and that would be all she wrote. I'd sit my ass on that far right couch cushion and barely get up again until it was time to go to bed. We ordered more takeout in that period than probably ever cause I just was not trying to cook. It got to the point that I started to get mad about it. I'd look around and see shit that needed to be done or get upset with the midgets microwaving shit for the fourth night in a row, but could not motivate myself to tend to it. Watching TV, I'd go "okay, Ima get up on the next commercial."
Um..... yeah. Never happened.
Then one night I was so annoyed by it, I wanted to cry. I just could not understand why I wasn't able to function. Lost for another course of action, I just incorporated it into my prayers. Lord, I don't know what this is that's in me or in this house, some lazy spirit sucking up my motivation or whatever, but please take it away. "I rebuke this lazy spirit in the name of Jesus" - I think I'd heard that somewhere before LOL. Lo and behold, a couple of days later, I was cleaning and cooking and everything else. Since then I've had to pray off a couple different spirits - the cursing spirit, the lusting spirit, the damn liquor spirit... anything I felt was consuming me and taking me to a point where I felt I couldn't control it, I prayed it off. This is all coming back to me now because that lazy spirit reappeared in recent months and I got my life together this past weekend. That shit will make you feel like you're depressed but if you take note of how you feel and think at different points of the day, when you're in different places, you'll be able to pinpoint when it sets in. Now everybody has those days or weeks when they get home and they just cant do it. That's natural. But when its every day over an extended period of time - weeks, months - there may be another explanation. Even if its not a spirit, when has prayer every hurt a situation? Never that I know of. The way I see it, you don't have anything to lose. After all, if you ask that it be banished in the name of Jesus, it HAS to leave - or so I am told. Hey, it's worked for me...
I think the first time I realized it was a year or two before I relocated. I just had this.... laziness to me every time I walked through the door. I'd be at work thinking about all the stuff I was gonna do when I got home and just an hour later when I arrived, I'd put everything down, take everything off, shower and that would be all she wrote. I'd sit my ass on that far right couch cushion and barely get up again until it was time to go to bed. We ordered more takeout in that period than probably ever cause I just was not trying to cook. It got to the point that I started to get mad about it. I'd look around and see shit that needed to be done or get upset with the midgets microwaving shit for the fourth night in a row, but could not motivate myself to tend to it. Watching TV, I'd go "okay, Ima get up on the next commercial."
Um..... yeah. Never happened.
Then one night I was so annoyed by it, I wanted to cry. I just could not understand why I wasn't able to function. Lost for another course of action, I just incorporated it into my prayers. Lord, I don't know what this is that's in me or in this house, some lazy spirit sucking up my motivation or whatever, but please take it away. "I rebuke this lazy spirit in the name of Jesus" - I think I'd heard that somewhere before LOL. Lo and behold, a couple of days later, I was cleaning and cooking and everything else. Since then I've had to pray off a couple different spirits - the cursing spirit, the lusting spirit, the damn liquor spirit... anything I felt was consuming me and taking me to a point where I felt I couldn't control it, I prayed it off. This is all coming back to me now because that lazy spirit reappeared in recent months and I got my life together this past weekend. That shit will make you feel like you're depressed but if you take note of how you feel and think at different points of the day, when you're in different places, you'll be able to pinpoint when it sets in. Now everybody has those days or weeks when they get home and they just cant do it. That's natural. But when its every day over an extended period of time - weeks, months - there may be another explanation. Even if its not a spirit, when has prayer every hurt a situation? Never that I know of. The way I see it, you don't have anything to lose. After all, if you ask that it be banished in the name of Jesus, it HAS to leave - or so I am told. Hey, it's worked for me...
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Hmmmm.........
[A share from a Facebook friend]
Each time a man connects with a woman sexually and releases his life form energy within her, he leaves a part of his information (DNA) in her birth canal. If she doesn't clean herself, his energy remain inside of her. That imprint can often create illusional sexual addiction to the individual.
When some 1 decide to have multiple partners, it can sometimes send mixed emotional signals within the inside of the body's vibration system. Women must be careful of different energies or spiritual forces polluting their internal temple. You are a sacred doorway, where life is intended to pass through, respect yourself, use your gifts wisely!
Just think about it and ask yourself... Ever wonder why they call it sexual intercourse (INTER-Course)? It's an inter(nal) course that unites man and woman, mind with mind, spirit with spirit, or energy with energy. This is something that a condom can't protect you against because energy is behind the elements of all flesh.
There is no such thing as "Casual" Sex or "Friends with Benefits"... No, No, No, I Don't Think So!!! Intimate activity intricately entwines the energies between two people. Sex creates a powerful exchange of energy between those involved. These connections, imprints and debris are left upon the mind, soul and spirit for a long time because they are not easily purged or cleansed.
‘Casual sex’ with multiple partners can intertwine the energies and spirits of a lot of people into your own aura if they are not severed and cleansed. You become joined to every person with whom your partner has slept, as well as all the partners those people had.
This type of "soul clutter" can be felt by your partner's subconscious. Even if they are not completely in tune or aware of the extra-curricular sexual activities, they still are able to sense the subtle disturbances of multiple energies and/or familiar spirits that have entered causing restlessness and inner turmoil.
The longer and more intimate the contact with another person, the more powerful the reinforcement and the interaction of the bond becomes, and all the more difficult it is for them to untangle and leave.
Soul stains, transference of odors, perceptive connections and even mutually formed habits are now left to burden the psyche long after that relationship has ended.
************
Now where have we heard this before....? LOL #IJS
Monday, September 23, 2013
You are your only competition
The problem with social media is that it can cause us to be entirely too wrapped up in other people's lives. It can be good if what you see motivates you to do something more than what you've been doing... realize your own potential.... but it can be bad if you see something you feel is lacking in your own life and it can make you depressed or over-analytical of your existence. Look, life is not a competition. Your circumstances are your circumstances. Somebody else's situation is somebody else's situation and many times its nothing like what you perceive it to be. You are just on the outside looking in and you are only looking at what they want you to see.
The most important thing to realize about social media is that people you don't know on a personal level can paint whatever picture they want of themselves and you would be none the wiser if its a total fabrication. Don't live your life based on the lives you THINK other people are living. Do what makes you happy. Achieve your own goals and be your best YOU. Don't compare yourself to other people because many of those people aren't even real - literally and figuratively. Be happy for those who are making strides you know to be true but don't let those things make you feel unworthy either. If anything, let those things incent you to make some strides of your own. If you don't know what you want to do, take some time to figure it out. How can you achieve happiness if you don't know what happiness looks like for you? You have to take the time to think about it and you have to do some things differently if you want to achieve different results. It seems so simple, right? So then... why haven't you figured that out? My guess is because you spend too much time watching other people's updates and getting sucked into the fallacy. Even if its all real, what does it have to do with YOU? Not much, probably. Nothing, I'd guess. Just remember that life is not a competition and if it were, you would be your only rival. Your journey is your own and where you wind up is of your own determination. You can do anything you set your mind to. It sounds cliché but its one of life's few and great truths. If you don't see it for yourself, how can you achieve it? Go. Be great. And if you cant be great, be consistent LOL.
#Imjustsaying
The most important thing to realize about social media is that people you don't know on a personal level can paint whatever picture they want of themselves and you would be none the wiser if its a total fabrication. Don't live your life based on the lives you THINK other people are living. Do what makes you happy. Achieve your own goals and be your best YOU. Don't compare yourself to other people because many of those people aren't even real - literally and figuratively. Be happy for those who are making strides you know to be true but don't let those things make you feel unworthy either. If anything, let those things incent you to make some strides of your own. If you don't know what you want to do, take some time to figure it out. How can you achieve happiness if you don't know what happiness looks like for you? You have to take the time to think about it and you have to do some things differently if you want to achieve different results. It seems so simple, right? So then... why haven't you figured that out? My guess is because you spend too much time watching other people's updates and getting sucked into the fallacy. Even if its all real, what does it have to do with YOU? Not much, probably. Nothing, I'd guess. Just remember that life is not a competition and if it were, you would be your only rival. Your journey is your own and where you wind up is of your own determination. You can do anything you set your mind to. It sounds cliché but its one of life's few and great truths. If you don't see it for yourself, how can you achieve it? Go. Be great. And if you cant be great, be consistent LOL.
#Imjustsaying
Monday, September 16, 2013
Longest Day Ever
Got up at 4am to get ready for a 4:45 pickup for transport to the airport for a 6:29 flight. Landed just before 9:30, was transported to the hotel and been working like Miley Cyrus's PR team ever damn since. I am exhausted. The flight was cool, except for the fact that the flight attendant spilled water all over me while I was sleeping. She was trying to open a new bottle of water and was holding it too tight at the time, so water went all over the side of my face, down my neck and down my arm. I aint talking about a little splash either, Im talking about it felt like I had been hit with a water balloon. I wanted to fuck her ass up LOL. Not just because she spilled water all over me but because she sounded like she only said she was sorry because everybody looking expectantly at her ass indicted that she was supposed to. Like 15 seconds went by and all I had gotten was a weak ass "sorry" so Im like "well damn, can I get some napkins?" "Oh... yeah, sure." Really? I had to ask for fucken napkins? SMH.... Then I kept getting hit in the head by the same sloppy ass flight attendant, clumping up and down the aisle. You do this every day, why aint you figured this shit out yet? One of the many reasons I hate aisle seats.
I also had the displeasure today of telling my mother that one of her dearest friends had passed away. If you've been on my Facebook any time in the last few weeks, you'd have seen this guy all over it, talking hella shit to me about any and everything I might have posted simply cause dude always had jokes. And he never let up either. There were plenty of times we would go back and forth and I'd eventually be like "Okay, Ron, you got it" just cause I knew he would never stop LOL. I think Thursday was the last time he, I and my mother had been on my thread, joking around. Saturday night he was dead. I found out last night from my sister who is close to a relative of his but she had no idea what had happened at the time and I didn't want to tell my mother without knowing how he died. My sister followed up with me today, letting me know that it was a massive heart attack, and I carried out the unpleasant duty of breaking the news to my mom. I wasn't cautious, I didn't stall or lend myself to pregnant pauses; all that drama don't make bad news any less bad. My mom lost it. Im talking bout for five whole minutes after I heard her drop the phone, I could still hear her screaming and crying and hitting stuff. I knew she would react that way but sitting through it tore me up inside. Nobody else wanted to tell her and though I didnt want to either, I didnt think anyone else should, and I surely didnt want her to just stumble across it on Facebook. She eventually got back on the phone and said she would call me back after she got herself together. 3 and a half hours later, she sounded okay. We recounted some memories and had a couple laughs until I was comfortable letting her go.
So a long day, indeed it has been. After all that, I came back up to my room (I had just been upgraded to one of my own after originally being told I would have to room up with one of my teammates) washed the day off, changed into my sweats and sat our front of the hotel. As ugly a day as it has been (cold, rainy, irritating and agonizing) it was such a beautiful night. Not even just regular beautiful but the kinda beautiful that makes you not wanna go back inside. I eventually had to cause I have a 6 am start tomorrow, but Lord knows I coulda sat out there all night. In perspective, I think the Lord was paying attention to all I had to go through today so he made a way for me to find some comfort at the end of it, despite everything. I'm thankful that that's the way He works.
RIP to our friend Ron DeBose.
I also had the displeasure today of telling my mother that one of her dearest friends had passed away. If you've been on my Facebook any time in the last few weeks, you'd have seen this guy all over it, talking hella shit to me about any and everything I might have posted simply cause dude always had jokes. And he never let up either. There were plenty of times we would go back and forth and I'd eventually be like "Okay, Ron, you got it" just cause I knew he would never stop LOL. I think Thursday was the last time he, I and my mother had been on my thread, joking around. Saturday night he was dead. I found out last night from my sister who is close to a relative of his but she had no idea what had happened at the time and I didn't want to tell my mother without knowing how he died. My sister followed up with me today, letting me know that it was a massive heart attack, and I carried out the unpleasant duty of breaking the news to my mom. I wasn't cautious, I didn't stall or lend myself to pregnant pauses; all that drama don't make bad news any less bad. My mom lost it. Im talking bout for five whole minutes after I heard her drop the phone, I could still hear her screaming and crying and hitting stuff. I knew she would react that way but sitting through it tore me up inside. Nobody else wanted to tell her and though I didnt want to either, I didnt think anyone else should, and I surely didnt want her to just stumble across it on Facebook. She eventually got back on the phone and said she would call me back after she got herself together. 3 and a half hours later, she sounded okay. We recounted some memories and had a couple laughs until I was comfortable letting her go.
So a long day, indeed it has been. After all that, I came back up to my room (I had just been upgraded to one of my own after originally being told I would have to room up with one of my teammates) washed the day off, changed into my sweats and sat our front of the hotel. As ugly a day as it has been (cold, rainy, irritating and agonizing) it was such a beautiful night. Not even just regular beautiful but the kinda beautiful that makes you not wanna go back inside. I eventually had to cause I have a 6 am start tomorrow, but Lord knows I coulda sat out there all night. In perspective, I think the Lord was paying attention to all I had to go through today so he made a way for me to find some comfort at the end of it, despite everything. I'm thankful that that's the way He works.
RIP to our friend Ron DeBose.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Bootleg Blog
BlogSpot needs an update or some shit. I haven't been able to get backstage on my blog for like a week. Now suddenly today it wants to work. Somebody must heard me talking shit in my head and decided to come off the lunch break, only now I forgot what the hell I was coming in here to say.
Bastards.
Bastards.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Weekend Wrap-up
This might have been one of our best road trips yet.
So me and the midgets are about an hour into our upstate drive when the radio frequency starts getting fuzzy. I tell my son to put a CD in and when he goes to do it, the player ejects a CD that was already in there. We look at each other like WTF? Obviously it belonged to whoever had the rental before us, so Im curious; “who is it?” My son says “Brad Paisley?” I scramble through the database in my mind and can’t come up with any song that he sings but I do know he’s country. I say fuck it, let’s give him a listen.
So we throw 5 other discs in and let Brad be #1. The next hour of that ride was fucken EPIC! This dude has songs about a battered wife taking karate and fucking her abusive husband up LOL, about a man who justified his divorce to the church by declaring that had been dead for 5 minutes before the defib machine revived him (so since he technically died, they should be able to part LOL) and another song about crazy Christians. We rocked all the way out. Our collective favorite though was “Beat This Summer” which is probably a popular track of his because there was an acoustic version of it as a bonus track at the end of the CD. I was gonna turn it in when I returned the car but um….. Yeah. They can’t get that back LOL.
My purpose for being in town turned out to be much less of a reunion than anticipated, but not all for naught. I did stumble across an epic pic of your favorite scum bucket, Stevie J, in a 1990 Ben Franklin yearbook….
Lie your way outta that one, Steebie LOL.
Of the maybe 35 people who came in and out of the room Friday night, about 30 of em graduated in the 70s and I think I only knew 2 of them. One is a former member of the church my family belonged to when I was younger and the other is the uncle of my best friend from high school, who I had a teeny weeny crush on for about 5 minutes (shhh LOL). Hardly worth the drive up here, but I got a bit more of my money’s worth sitting on my girlfriend’s porch, having a good old-fashioned couch session over a couple glasses of something wet. It’s been a few years since we’ve done that – since I’ve been able to do that with any of my friends – but I’d have made the drive all over again just for those couple hours…. And I got the rest of my money’s worth before the weekend was out.
I spent the first half of Saturday responding to 3 of 6 mandatory essay questions for my comprehensive exam and then my girlfriend and I shuffled over to the reunion banquet. One of my childhood mentors who became sort of like a godfather to me was one of the highlighted speakers. He came over to me and almost made me cry telling me how proud he was of me. He prefaced those words with, “If I never get the chance to tell you again…” and it drew my attention to the age and wear on his face. I wondered how much longer I’d have him around and it took me back to the night I had that same conversation with my big brother. Hopefully I wont have to mourn the loss of either one of them for many, many years. I knew my girlfriend and I weren’t going to stay the whole night at the event but I made sure to stay for his speech. He actually dedicated a portion of it to me, telling the audience how he’d known me most of my life and was so proud of the fact that he was instrumental at crucial points in my life and proud of who I have become. Again, I almost lost it, but I kept it together LOL.
There were a handful more people there that night that I knew, most of whom told me how much I had grown to look like my mother. It was like there was a page in the program that instructed anybody who knew her to say so LOL….smh. Its all good though, I am my mama’s child.
A quick drive by to see a couple high school friends at this cookout they were at and then we were off to a local bar near my girlfriend’s house. Saw a couple people I knew there too and I was having a ball with the girlfriend I went with and the other who we called to join us. It was a really good time and only got better when a guy I recently reconnected with came there to hang out with me. I was missing one girlfriend who I definitely owe some time on the next trip, but still, it was the best night I’ve had in a really long time.
I came back to Jersey yesterday and between last night and this morning, finished the last 3 essays I needed to submit for my exam. Now that its really over, I feel the lifted load. It will be 4 to 6 weeks before I know my final grade but Im holding a 3.5 cumulative GPA right now so I feel good about it. Tonight Im supposed to go to a Motown review down in Times Square with a friend of mine. No better way to celebrate than with a Motown review, right? A couple of drinks and a shimmy or two and then its back to life as I know it. Still have some hurdles to clear but Im optimistic. I hope yall had a good weekend too.
So me and the midgets are about an hour into our upstate drive when the radio frequency starts getting fuzzy. I tell my son to put a CD in and when he goes to do it, the player ejects a CD that was already in there. We look at each other like WTF? Obviously it belonged to whoever had the rental before us, so Im curious; “who is it?” My son says “Brad Paisley?” I scramble through the database in my mind and can’t come up with any song that he sings but I do know he’s country. I say fuck it, let’s give him a listen.
So we throw 5 other discs in and let Brad be #1. The next hour of that ride was fucken EPIC! This dude has songs about a battered wife taking karate and fucking her abusive husband up LOL, about a man who justified his divorce to the church by declaring that had been dead for 5 minutes before the defib machine revived him (so since he technically died, they should be able to part LOL) and another song about crazy Christians. We rocked all the way out. Our collective favorite though was “Beat This Summer” which is probably a popular track of his because there was an acoustic version of it as a bonus track at the end of the CD. I was gonna turn it in when I returned the car but um….. Yeah. They can’t get that back LOL.
My purpose for being in town turned out to be much less of a reunion than anticipated, but not all for naught. I did stumble across an epic pic of your favorite scum bucket, Stevie J, in a 1990 Ben Franklin yearbook….
Lie your way outta that one, Steebie LOL.
Of the maybe 35 people who came in and out of the room Friday night, about 30 of em graduated in the 70s and I think I only knew 2 of them. One is a former member of the church my family belonged to when I was younger and the other is the uncle of my best friend from high school, who I had a teeny weeny crush on for about 5 minutes (shhh LOL). Hardly worth the drive up here, but I got a bit more of my money’s worth sitting on my girlfriend’s porch, having a good old-fashioned couch session over a couple glasses of something wet. It’s been a few years since we’ve done that – since I’ve been able to do that with any of my friends – but I’d have made the drive all over again just for those couple hours…. And I got the rest of my money’s worth before the weekend was out.
I spent the first half of Saturday responding to 3 of 6 mandatory essay questions for my comprehensive exam and then my girlfriend and I shuffled over to the reunion banquet. One of my childhood mentors who became sort of like a godfather to me was one of the highlighted speakers. He came over to me and almost made me cry telling me how proud he was of me. He prefaced those words with, “If I never get the chance to tell you again…” and it drew my attention to the age and wear on his face. I wondered how much longer I’d have him around and it took me back to the night I had that same conversation with my big brother. Hopefully I wont have to mourn the loss of either one of them for many, many years. I knew my girlfriend and I weren’t going to stay the whole night at the event but I made sure to stay for his speech. He actually dedicated a portion of it to me, telling the audience how he’d known me most of my life and was so proud of the fact that he was instrumental at crucial points in my life and proud of who I have become. Again, I almost lost it, but I kept it together LOL.
There were a handful more people there that night that I knew, most of whom told me how much I had grown to look like my mother. It was like there was a page in the program that instructed anybody who knew her to say so LOL….smh. Its all good though, I am my mama’s child.
A quick drive by to see a couple high school friends at this cookout they were at and then we were off to a local bar near my girlfriend’s house. Saw a couple people I knew there too and I was having a ball with the girlfriend I went with and the other who we called to join us. It was a really good time and only got better when a guy I recently reconnected with came there to hang out with me. I was missing one girlfriend who I definitely owe some time on the next trip, but still, it was the best night I’ve had in a really long time.
I came back to Jersey yesterday and between last night and this morning, finished the last 3 essays I needed to submit for my exam. Now that its really over, I feel the lifted load. It will be 4 to 6 weeks before I know my final grade but Im holding a 3.5 cumulative GPA right now so I feel good about it. Tonight Im supposed to go to a Motown review down in Times Square with a friend of mine. No better way to celebrate than with a Motown review, right? A couple of drinks and a shimmy or two and then its back to life as I know it. Still have some hurdles to clear but Im optimistic. I hope yall had a good weekend too.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Sooooooo.....
I turned in my last assignments and finished my last paper. All there is left to do is pass my comprehensive exam the first week of August and I will possess a Masters in Psychology with a concentration in Criminology and Justice Studies. Wow. And to think I did it all on a whim, just because at the time I had nothing better to do. I should have gotten up this morning feeling like I was on top of the world and nothing could stop me but unfortunately, I was completely exhausted. I will attempt this tomorrow though. I will make an attempt to pretend like I have the energy to conquer the world because I should have such energy. One day soon I will actually have the energy. Tonight I am happy that there are no more assignments, no more rushing home on Monday and Thursday nights and no more stressing about whether I had done enough. Next weekend I will return to my adolescence, joining hands and hearts with those I came into adulthood with, celebrating my 20th high school reunion. Damn. 20 years. How quickly the time passes.
My kids' father got out of prison yesterday after four and a half long years. I wish I was here to witness the smiles and laughter that ensued when he rang the bell but its enough to know that it occurred and my children's hopes were renewed. I can only hope that he will make good on his promises to make up for the time lost. I pray for direction for him and success in his new goals and for mine....
My kids' father got out of prison yesterday after four and a half long years. I wish I was here to witness the smiles and laughter that ensued when he rang the bell but its enough to know that it occurred and my children's hopes were renewed. I can only hope that he will make good on his promises to make up for the time lost. I pray for direction for him and success in his new goals and for mine....
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sigh....
Unless you've been under a rock somewhere, you've heard by now that George Zimmerman was found not guilty tonight of the murder/manslaughter/life-taking/whatever of Trayvon Martin. I can't say I am surprised. I mean... we're talking about Florida - the state that quite notoriously has helped steal elections and also acquitted Casey Anthony of the murder of her own daughter. But it isn't even about Florida. Its about America. Land of the free and home of the brave does not apply to all of us and its a sad day when the criminal justice system in any state sends the message that the lives of young black people are worth less than dogs. Remember Michael Vick? Yeah. He did what, 3 years for not himself killing dogs but being an enabler of dog killing? But a man who was told by authorities not to follow someone took it upon himself to not only follow that person but to engage and take his life is free tonight. No, I am not surprised, but it doesn't make me any less disgusted.
My son is 15 years old and he could very well find himself in that same situation on any given day so my heart bled for those parents. But I don't think you even have to be a parent to see what was wrong with this picture. Im not gonna write a new book of the bible, ranting about my disappointment. What I am going to do is ask that you not show your anger through rioting. It wont bring Trayvon back, it wont put Zimmerman in jail, however, it may land YOU there. Rioting is nothing more than an unproductive temper tantrum that does nothing but make us look like we are worthy of the shitty treatment we're given. I'm also going to ask that you continue to pray for the family of Trayvon Martin and while you're at it, pray for the family of George Zimmerman too because I'd be really surprised if he's not dead within 60 days....
P.S. I think I wanna be a lawyer again.
My son is 15 years old and he could very well find himself in that same situation on any given day so my heart bled for those parents. But I don't think you even have to be a parent to see what was wrong with this picture. Im not gonna write a new book of the bible, ranting about my disappointment. What I am going to do is ask that you not show your anger through rioting. It wont bring Trayvon back, it wont put Zimmerman in jail, however, it may land YOU there. Rioting is nothing more than an unproductive temper tantrum that does nothing but make us look like we are worthy of the shitty treatment we're given. I'm also going to ask that you continue to pray for the family of Trayvon Martin and while you're at it, pray for the family of George Zimmerman too because I'd be really surprised if he's not dead within 60 days....
P.S. I think I wanna be a lawyer again.
Hey, You!
I know. I suck. But hey, I've been busy.
Between the random dates and school and trying to kick this smoking thing and every damn thing else I've been up to lately, there's really been no shortage of shit to write about but I just haven't had the energy to do it.
I can tell you that none of my recent suitors made the cut, although one was really close until he reverted back into a 12-year old boy when I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean really. I TOLD him when he invited me over that I wasn't going to and he SAID he was alright with that, so color me confused when it turned out he wasn't LOL. And he couldn't just throw a hissy fit right there on the spot like a normal loser, he kept pretending he was okay all through the next day's conversations, short and dry though they were, and didn't decide to not talk to me again until the day after THAT. Nigga SO??? LOL These dudes funny.
I can also tell you Im coming up on my last week of class. After that, I just have to pass my comprehensive exam and your girl will be an official Master of Psychology with a concentration in Criminology and Justice Studies. Yes, ma'am. Planning to stay at my job through the end of the year though - God willing - and then change lanes into something I can use it in. I need a new advisor though; he keeps trying to turn me into a corrections officer. #ifyoudontgetthefuck.....
NO.
I don't wanna be nowhere near nobody's sharpened toothbrushes and toilet bowl moonshine, thank you very much.
It also turns out that there is going to be a 20-year high school reunion weekend next month. My plan is to go but I got a lot going on and none of it's free LOL. So I'll have to take some time to determine if that trip makes fiscal sense. Just got tickets to take my daughter to see Justin Beiber though. I didn't get to see Michael, but at least she'll get to see her version and I will be the world's best mom for at least 2 months LOL
I guess that's it for now, I should probably act like I have kids to feed and, well..... feed them LOL. I'll holla.
Between the random dates and school and trying to kick this smoking thing and every damn thing else I've been up to lately, there's really been no shortage of shit to write about but I just haven't had the energy to do it.
I can tell you that none of my recent suitors made the cut, although one was really close until he reverted back into a 12-year old boy when I wouldn't sleep with him. I mean really. I TOLD him when he invited me over that I wasn't going to and he SAID he was alright with that, so color me confused when it turned out he wasn't LOL. And he couldn't just throw a hissy fit right there on the spot like a normal loser, he kept pretending he was okay all through the next day's conversations, short and dry though they were, and didn't decide to not talk to me again until the day after THAT. Nigga SO??? LOL These dudes funny.
I can also tell you Im coming up on my last week of class. After that, I just have to pass my comprehensive exam and your girl will be an official Master of Psychology with a concentration in Criminology and Justice Studies. Yes, ma'am. Planning to stay at my job through the end of the year though - God willing - and then change lanes into something I can use it in. I need a new advisor though; he keeps trying to turn me into a corrections officer. #ifyoudontgetthefuck.....
NO.
I don't wanna be nowhere near nobody's sharpened toothbrushes and toilet bowl moonshine, thank you very much.
It also turns out that there is going to be a 20-year high school reunion weekend next month. My plan is to go but I got a lot going on and none of it's free LOL. So I'll have to take some time to determine if that trip makes fiscal sense. Just got tickets to take my daughter to see Justin Beiber though. I didn't get to see Michael, but at least she'll get to see her version and I will be the world's best mom for at least 2 months LOL
I guess that's it for now, I should probably act like I have kids to feed and, well..... feed them LOL. I'll holla.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Out past curfew
Yo, my nephew is the funniest. I don't even know if HE himself is funny, but some funny shit happens every damn time he comes around LOL.
He was down here with the midgets while I was gone this week (He's 20. Put your phones down LOL). He was taking the bus back upstate tonight and it was his first trip down by himself so I went with him to make sure he got on the bus alright. We get to the bus stop (for the bus into the city) and he's like "Auntie, you mind if I smoke my weed? I need to get right before I take this ride." Dude, you 20 and we outside, what Ima do? LOL So he pulls out this glass capsule looking thing that I guess was some kinda new-fangled pipe or something, had to be about four inches long (never seen anything like it before)... and he gets about 3 pulls off before the bus comes. I get on the bus first and he gets on behind me with his suitcase, which he leaves up front by the bus driver. I sit in the double seats about 4 rows back and he occupies the doubles right across from me. About 30 seconds later, I hear all this banter coming from the large group of folks in the back of the bus. I hear it but I aint really listening until I see my nephew's body shaking in laughter. I realize he is laughing at them so I tune in and hear that they are commenting on the pungent ass smell of weed that I hadn't even noticed until they pointed it out. But I will be DAMNED if that boy didn't smell like a pound of glaucoma rectification LOL. I said goooooot DAYUM! LOL The crew in the back is BUGGIN, and we both cracking up at the jokes too cause he really was about to get the whole damn bus high off a contact. Like LITERALLY. One dude comes up from the back like "dude, I wanna hug you right now. I been looking for the weed man to come through all damn day and his ass aint show up so I swear, if hugging you wouldnt be weird.... but it would be weird..... so I just wanna be close" LOL.....smh
Yo. These people was wilding out. I have no idea where they were coming from, deep like that on a Sunday night (there were probably bout 10 or 12 of em, only 4 dudes) but they was living way out loud tonight, jack LOL. Definitely the most interesting bus ride I have had in my almost 3 years of living out here.
Then we get to the terminal and we go to the Trailways station because even though my nephew already has his ticket, it doesn't say what gate he's supposed to go to. There is only one person working but there is only one person in the line so it was whatever. This older man gets in line behind us and sees me ask my nephew to see his ticket. He's like "Where you going? I can tell you what gate you suppose to be at." We look at each other and then I say "Rochester." Dude goes, "The 10:55? I mean 10:45? Yeah, that's gate 22. They boarding right now. What you wanna do is go right down this escalator and loop back thissaway. They boarding right now." Me and neph like how the fuck does he know that? WHY the fuck does he know that? LMAO! But sure enough, we go down the escalator and loop around to gate 22 and them muthafuckas was sure enough boarding the bus LOL.
I swear. NYC has some of the most random ass people in the world and all it takes is for you to be out past your curfew to experience some shit that'll make your day LOL. Im ready for life now LOL.....
He was down here with the midgets while I was gone this week (He's 20. Put your phones down LOL). He was taking the bus back upstate tonight and it was his first trip down by himself so I went with him to make sure he got on the bus alright. We get to the bus stop (for the bus into the city) and he's like "Auntie, you mind if I smoke my weed? I need to get right before I take this ride." Dude, you 20 and we outside, what Ima do? LOL So he pulls out this glass capsule looking thing that I guess was some kinda new-fangled pipe or something, had to be about four inches long (never seen anything like it before)... and he gets about 3 pulls off before the bus comes. I get on the bus first and he gets on behind me with his suitcase, which he leaves up front by the bus driver. I sit in the double seats about 4 rows back and he occupies the doubles right across from me. About 30 seconds later, I hear all this banter coming from the large group of folks in the back of the bus. I hear it but I aint really listening until I see my nephew's body shaking in laughter. I realize he is laughing at them so I tune in and hear that they are commenting on the pungent ass smell of weed that I hadn't even noticed until they pointed it out. But I will be DAMNED if that boy didn't smell like a pound of glaucoma rectification LOL. I said goooooot DAYUM! LOL The crew in the back is BUGGIN, and we both cracking up at the jokes too cause he really was about to get the whole damn bus high off a contact. Like LITERALLY. One dude comes up from the back like "dude, I wanna hug you right now. I been looking for the weed man to come through all damn day and his ass aint show up so I swear, if hugging you wouldnt be weird.... but it would be weird..... so I just wanna be close" LOL.....smh
Yo. These people was wilding out. I have no idea where they were coming from, deep like that on a Sunday night (there were probably bout 10 or 12 of em, only 4 dudes) but they was living way out loud tonight, jack LOL. Definitely the most interesting bus ride I have had in my almost 3 years of living out here.
Then we get to the terminal and we go to the Trailways station because even though my nephew already has his ticket, it doesn't say what gate he's supposed to go to. There is only one person working but there is only one person in the line so it was whatever. This older man gets in line behind us and sees me ask my nephew to see his ticket. He's like "Where you going? I can tell you what gate you suppose to be at." We look at each other and then I say "Rochester." Dude goes, "The 10:55? I mean 10:45? Yeah, that's gate 22. They boarding right now. What you wanna do is go right down this escalator and loop back thissaway. They boarding right now." Me and neph like how the fuck does he know that? WHY the fuck does he know that? LMAO! But sure enough, we go down the escalator and loop around to gate 22 and them muthafuckas was sure enough boarding the bus LOL.
I swear. NYC has some of the most random ass people in the world and all it takes is for you to be out past your curfew to experience some shit that'll make your day LOL. Im ready for life now LOL.....
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Guess Who's Back?
The spot is on the mirror, not my suit LOL.....
So I just got back from Denver about 1am last night. Beautiful scenery; too bad all I got to see of it was during the ride to and from the airport. The mountains are BEAUTIFUL. The most beautiful I have ever seen, even from a distance. It was a dry 93 degrees when I got there and you could still see snow caps on the highest ones from afar. My shotty video wouldnt upload as a video (sorry)but it really was breathtaking…. Just not as much as the panic attack I had on the plane ride out there. We experienced the type of turbulence that falls just short of a class action suit but definitely makes one contemplate her mortality. My chest had been tight since I sat down – in the last fucken row of the plane – and when all the “shaken not stirred” began, it just got worse. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe and despite my efforts to calm myself, the tears could not be controlled. Just my luck, just at the worst of it the flight attendants received the order to return to their jump seats. Great. Now I cant even get any assistance. Luckily I was sitting with an old couple that comforted and took care of me until it all passed. They gave me one of the 800 bottles of water they came prepared with and rubbed my back until I came down from the ledge. I spent the next hour watching them sleep hand in hand and all I could think was how much I want to be them when Im their age. God bless em.
The hotel was 4-starrish but beneath par in comparison to my last summit experience at The Island in Newport Beach, California. The organizational skills of the hotel (and my event coordinator) were even farther beneath par. The hotel double-booked a couple of conferences leaving us at least 4 rooms short for the executives we had coming. Of course that meant some of the staff had to triple and quadruple up to free rooms for them and yours truly was one of the casualties. I was not a happy camper. Me and my original roommate did get our room back the second night though, but the bad taste had already been left; an appropriate phrase since the food there was highly unimpressive.
I managed to get out of there last night early enough to attempt an earlier flight but apparently both earlier flights were delayed past my own flight’s departure. Not a big deal; I like airports. It’s the best place on earth to people-watch. Too bad my phone was dead when the most interesting subjects were passing by. I would have loved to get some photos because no one would ever believe me without them LOL. But I had enough time to have the most God-awful chicken tenders I’ve ever had in my life and consume enough alcohol to guarantee I’d sleep at least part of the flight. Unfortunately the worst turbulence occurred early and I was wide awake for it, with the help of the worst animated flick United could have ever chosen to air on flight. I don’t even remember what it was called but I need to write a sternly worded letter to Pixar; note to self.
There were moments though. There were conversations with executives making more money than I could ever hope to see in my lifetime that set my sights on so much more than I could ever imagine. There were moments sitting outside the hotel golf course with a moon so orange it looked like a CG effect and out in back with green for acres and a breeze crafted by God himself. Aggravation and shortcomings aside, there was beauty to be found, as there always is, if you’re looking.
I canceled my Fourth of July trip upstate to focus on more priority things; one to DC sometime next month to check on a friend that hasn’t been doing so well and another to Charlotte Labor Day weekend to witness the nuptials of a longtime friend who never thought she would see the day. I contemplated whether or not I would go for a while but then I realized that this was, for her, a moment; one that I needed to be a part of. ..a moment that signified change beyond expectation, which I have become all too familiar with on both the good and bad ends. Change is still on the horizon for me and every day I wake up and squint in the glare of the unwelcome sun in my early morning face I feel it nearing. It has yet to make itself known but it’s coming, so I wait – coffee in hand and song in heart. No idea where it came from or why the sensation is so strong, but for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I am in a happy place. What woman in their right mind questions that?
So I just got back from Denver about 1am last night. Beautiful scenery; too bad all I got to see of it was during the ride to and from the airport. The mountains are BEAUTIFUL. The most beautiful I have ever seen, even from a distance. It was a dry 93 degrees when I got there and you could still see snow caps on the highest ones from afar. My shotty video wouldnt upload as a video (sorry)but it really was breathtaking…. Just not as much as the panic attack I had on the plane ride out there. We experienced the type of turbulence that falls just short of a class action suit but definitely makes one contemplate her mortality. My chest had been tight since I sat down – in the last fucken row of the plane – and when all the “shaken not stirred” began, it just got worse. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe and despite my efforts to calm myself, the tears could not be controlled. Just my luck, just at the worst of it the flight attendants received the order to return to their jump seats. Great. Now I cant even get any assistance. Luckily I was sitting with an old couple that comforted and took care of me until it all passed. They gave me one of the 800 bottles of water they came prepared with and rubbed my back until I came down from the ledge. I spent the next hour watching them sleep hand in hand and all I could think was how much I want to be them when Im their age. God bless em.
The hotel was 4-starrish but beneath par in comparison to my last summit experience at The Island in Newport Beach, California. The organizational skills of the hotel (and my event coordinator) were even farther beneath par. The hotel double-booked a couple of conferences leaving us at least 4 rooms short for the executives we had coming. Of course that meant some of the staff had to triple and quadruple up to free rooms for them and yours truly was one of the casualties. I was not a happy camper. Me and my original roommate did get our room back the second night though, but the bad taste had already been left; an appropriate phrase since the food there was highly unimpressive.
I managed to get out of there last night early enough to attempt an earlier flight but apparently both earlier flights were delayed past my own flight’s departure. Not a big deal; I like airports. It’s the best place on earth to people-watch. Too bad my phone was dead when the most interesting subjects were passing by. I would have loved to get some photos because no one would ever believe me without them LOL. But I had enough time to have the most God-awful chicken tenders I’ve ever had in my life and consume enough alcohol to guarantee I’d sleep at least part of the flight. Unfortunately the worst turbulence occurred early and I was wide awake for it, with the help of the worst animated flick United could have ever chosen to air on flight. I don’t even remember what it was called but I need to write a sternly worded letter to Pixar; note to self.
There were moments though. There were conversations with executives making more money than I could ever hope to see in my lifetime that set my sights on so much more than I could ever imagine. There were moments sitting outside the hotel golf course with a moon so orange it looked like a CG effect and out in back with green for acres and a breeze crafted by God himself. Aggravation and shortcomings aside, there was beauty to be found, as there always is, if you’re looking.
I canceled my Fourth of July trip upstate to focus on more priority things; one to DC sometime next month to check on a friend that hasn’t been doing so well and another to Charlotte Labor Day weekend to witness the nuptials of a longtime friend who never thought she would see the day. I contemplated whether or not I would go for a while but then I realized that this was, for her, a moment; one that I needed to be a part of. ..a moment that signified change beyond expectation, which I have become all too familiar with on both the good and bad ends. Change is still on the horizon for me and every day I wake up and squint in the glare of the unwelcome sun in my early morning face I feel it nearing. It has yet to make itself known but it’s coming, so I wait – coffee in hand and song in heart. No idea where it came from or why the sensation is so strong, but for the first time in a long time, I can honestly say I am in a happy place. What woman in their right mind questions that?
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Hey now!
Dang, its been a month since my last post??? My bad. Hadnt realized. Honestly, its not that nothing has been going on, its more like... so much has been going on that I havent really been able to organize my thoughts. My mom had her 60th birthday, which also brought forth a reunion with my sister who I hadnt seen in about 5 or 6 years, then my mom completed her Associate's degree after 35 years of taking a class when she could, had a rough spurt at work, my teenage son lost his mind and then my cousin died. All that along with dealing with these lame ass dudes trying to stress me out (I aint having it) and it really just aint been conducive to writing. Most of those things have worked themselves out, or are starting to, but I think it was a conversation I had with someone tonight that sort of cleared the muck for me to be able to come back in here. I wont bore you with the details, but lets just say things are back in perspective.
I start my last class on Tuesday. I will officially have completed my Masters studies on July 22nd. After the comprehensive exam, I will be able to officially say Im done and start making moves to work where I wanna be, for the money I deserve. Thank you, Jesus.
Got some prospects on the dating front but really not sure Im even looking for a relationship at this point. Its.... well.... summer LOL. And I've slipped right back into pimp mode (how I do) and Im comfortable with that. Somebody will have to be pretty amazing to change that right now. So expect some rather colorful stories to come across your screen over the next couple of months. Just a heads up LOL.
Right now Im gearing up for some travel - Denver in a couple of weeks, for work, and a wedding in Charlotte this Labor Day weekend. Planning an actual vacation somewhere in between but havent decided where yet. I will be going somewhere though. Probably a shitload of stories on deck for that week also.
All in all, things are good. A hiccup here and there, but you know... I stay swinging. Yall hang in there and I will try to do better keeping up with this blog. I was up at 4a.m. again this weekend so I know some shit is on the horizon. Stay tuned...
I start my last class on Tuesday. I will officially have completed my Masters studies on July 22nd. After the comprehensive exam, I will be able to officially say Im done and start making moves to work where I wanna be, for the money I deserve. Thank you, Jesus.
Got some prospects on the dating front but really not sure Im even looking for a relationship at this point. Its.... well.... summer LOL. And I've slipped right back into pimp mode (how I do) and Im comfortable with that. Somebody will have to be pretty amazing to change that right now. So expect some rather colorful stories to come across your screen over the next couple of months. Just a heads up LOL.
Right now Im gearing up for some travel - Denver in a couple of weeks, for work, and a wedding in Charlotte this Labor Day weekend. Planning an actual vacation somewhere in between but havent decided where yet. I will be going somewhere though. Probably a shitload of stories on deck for that week also.
All in all, things are good. A hiccup here and there, but you know... I stay swinging. Yall hang in there and I will try to do better keeping up with this blog. I was up at 4a.m. again this weekend so I know some shit is on the horizon. Stay tuned...
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Healing hearts
Fresh off this morning’s couch session, my thoughts….
A broken heart isn’t so different than any other wound. When it’s fresh, it’s often painful to the touch and visible to the naked eye. When it heals, it becomes less so; no longer hurting and much less visible, sometimes as if it never existed. How long it takes to get from one point to another can be long or short, depending on how you nurse it in the between time. True of most injuries, it itches when it begins to heal, but while scratching it may provide temporary relief, it can often cause more damage. The same is true of a broken heart (i.e., impulse drives you to place one more call… but it goes unanswered… and now that scab has been compromised and the healing process must begin again). Scabs form to protect the wound while it heals – its best to leave them in place until such time that they fall off on their own. The same is true of the anger, numbness, and all those other feelings that often creep in as you struggle toward normalcy. Let them run their course. They will eventually fall away too, and just as healed wounds grow into new skin, a healed heart can love again.
#livingproof
Friday, April 26, 2013
Why dont I have my own reality show again?
So yall know I love and hate my job at the same damn time. Despite the aggravation I sometimes have to endure, I really had no intentions on leaving until after I finish my Masters this summer and find something I can do long-term. That being said, I get a call last week from a recruiter who stumbled across my resume online. I forgot the damn thing was even still posted, but that’s neither here nor there lol…… We get to talking about the opportunity, which is back in the industry I’ve spent most of my career in and paying really great money. The company is a difficult one to get into in this position, so I have no expectations, but I humor an interview earlier this week, which I SLAY. The dude pretty much tells me he is going to recommend me for the job so it’s now just a matter of him notifying the recruiter guy and HR working out the details, etc.
Now Im bugging cause I woke up that morning debating if I was even gonna go to the damn interview since I really didn’t think I had a shot in hell of getting it. When I decided to go on ahead and go, I threw on my city girl shit and walked in there without a care in the world, no pressure, cause again, I figured there was no way in hell I was really gonna get it, so why should I stress? Lo and behold, the guy loves me and now Im really considering making this move.
So I realize that I forgot to grab the guy’s card before I left and I wanted to send a thank you email so this morning I call the recruiter guy who set it all up and ask if he’s got the guy’s email address. He goes, “No I don’t, actually, he’s no longer with the company. What did you do to the guy, kill him? He's just gone!"
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
What? LOL Dude! I totally thought he was kidding. Homie was dead ass serious – dude up and quit that bitch, no warning, no nothing. The recruiter dude aint even know what happened, son just bounced LOL. So in between bouts of laughter at his own cluelessness about how to proceed, the recruiter says he’s gonna see about getting me back in next week with a different manager. I said okay but I gotta tell ya…. IDK if Im going back to that muthafucka LOL. I mean this guy, who was in a MANAGEMENT position, straight dropped the mic on they asses. Something aint right with the milk. The money was good – REAL good – but I recall how stressful that work was and it’s a lot of the reason I was looking to get out of it in the first place. The manager I met with reiterated that a couple of different times in talking to me about the job. Not to mention, I had to go all black ops just to get to the interview without alarming my current job. I don’t know if I could pull that off again so soon if I wanted to. So IDK. I think Im gonna have to let this ship go on and sail.
Sigh.
This typa shit only happens to me.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Parental tribulations
Watching "Iyanla Fix My Life" I had a moment with my daughter. She was in here while DMX was wigging out on Iyanla for trying to intervene on behalf of his son, who he wouldnt let get a word in edgewise. DMX eventually stormed out of the room. My daughter commented on how sad their situation was and I was moved to advise her how addiction affects families. I was also moved to advise her that families sometimes go through situations like this without addictions involved.
Parenting is hard. Sometimes, I told her, parenting is so hard that it all falls apart and even I sometimes worry that I am not doing enough. Sometimes I worry that I may not be doing the right thing, making the right decisions or being the best parent I can be, but a lot of that comes from wanting so much for your kids to have a better life than you had. Even if you had a good upbringing, a good parent wants their children to have a better life than they had. I do the best I can but sometimes I wonder if they will understand that everything I do is for them, or the sacrifices I have made for them. Im sure they wont really get it, if ever, until they are grown and have kids of their own, but I felt like I needed to have that moment with my daughter, fresh off her first period, to let her know how much I love her and her brother and that they are everything to me. She said to me, "Mommy, you're great. You do more than enough."
I smiled.
She's 11.
I hope she feels the same way 5 years from now.
Parenting is hard. Sometimes, I told her, parenting is so hard that it all falls apart and even I sometimes worry that I am not doing enough. Sometimes I worry that I may not be doing the right thing, making the right decisions or being the best parent I can be, but a lot of that comes from wanting so much for your kids to have a better life than you had. Even if you had a good upbringing, a good parent wants their children to have a better life than they had. I do the best I can but sometimes I wonder if they will understand that everything I do is for them, or the sacrifices I have made for them. Im sure they wont really get it, if ever, until they are grown and have kids of their own, but I felt like I needed to have that moment with my daughter, fresh off her first period, to let her know how much I love her and her brother and that they are everything to me. She said to me, "Mommy, you're great. You do more than enough."
I smiled.
She's 11.
I hope she feels the same way 5 years from now.
Friday, April 12, 2013
When preparation meets opportunity.... at the bar LOL
See, it pays to not be a stuck up bitch LOL.
My company called the work day at noon yesterday so we could spend the rest of the day doing a teambuilding scavenger hunt. We were supposed to be in the streets, collecting photos of random ass shit for about 3 and a half hours. My team barely scraped 2 before we said, "Fuck it, let's go to the bar." LOL
Cutting to the chase, while we were there, a guy started a conversation with me that led somehow to me talking about writing. He asked the standard “so you say you’re a writer” questions and I gave the standard responses. Then he got more specific in his questions – specific like now I kinda gotta stop and think about my responses. He pulls out his card and hands it to me saying he might be able to help me get on. I only take him about 70% serious, because he was clearly flirting with me the whole time, but what he told me about his business sounded legit so I figure it couldn’t hurt to look into it. Then right before he left, he says he’s about to hire a freelance editor type to do these pamphlets and brochures for his clients and was I interested. It’s extra money, I can do it part-time AND it will give me experience to build on professionally? Hell yeah, Im interested LOL.
So we speak this morning and he breaks down what he would want me to do. He said he was going to send me a 5-page document that needed to be condensed and edited for content before he could send it off to be made into a brochure. Pretty typical of what I’d normally see from him, he said I should assess the time and effort required to do that one and thus determine what I am going to charge him. I say cool, we hang up. I do just the first paragraph of what he sent me, just to have him look at it and make sure that’s what he’s looking for. He calls back about 10 minutes later like “so……. I also have these business plans” LOL……
So my homework this evening is to revamp document 1 and then do some research as to the going rate of this kind of work. I came up kinda empty on ad hoc editing (I only found a range of salaries) but I think we’ll be able to work out something we can both be happy with. Anybody with suggestions, hit me up.
My company called the work day at noon yesterday so we could spend the rest of the day doing a teambuilding scavenger hunt. We were supposed to be in the streets, collecting photos of random ass shit for about 3 and a half hours. My team barely scraped 2 before we said, "Fuck it, let's go to the bar." LOL
Cutting to the chase, while we were there, a guy started a conversation with me that led somehow to me talking about writing. He asked the standard “so you say you’re a writer” questions and I gave the standard responses. Then he got more specific in his questions – specific like now I kinda gotta stop and think about my responses. He pulls out his card and hands it to me saying he might be able to help me get on. I only take him about 70% serious, because he was clearly flirting with me the whole time, but what he told me about his business sounded legit so I figure it couldn’t hurt to look into it. Then right before he left, he says he’s about to hire a freelance editor type to do these pamphlets and brochures for his clients and was I interested. It’s extra money, I can do it part-time AND it will give me experience to build on professionally? Hell yeah, Im interested LOL.
So we speak this morning and he breaks down what he would want me to do. He said he was going to send me a 5-page document that needed to be condensed and edited for content before he could send it off to be made into a brochure. Pretty typical of what I’d normally see from him, he said I should assess the time and effort required to do that one and thus determine what I am going to charge him. I say cool, we hang up. I do just the first paragraph of what he sent me, just to have him look at it and make sure that’s what he’s looking for. He calls back about 10 minutes later like “so……. I also have these business plans” LOL……
So my homework this evening is to revamp document 1 and then do some research as to the going rate of this kind of work. I came up kinda empty on ad hoc editing (I only found a range of salaries) but I think we’ll be able to work out something we can both be happy with. Anybody with suggestions, hit me up.
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