Thursday, December 31, 2015

2016 on Deck

Had the longest conversation with one of my girls today - 5 hours. I don't think we've done that since..... ever LOL. But sometimes it's necessary and if there is ever a time to cover that kind of ground, its on New Year's Eve. As we enter into a new year, many of us are probably having these conversations with friends - or we should be. It's a time to reflect on the year you've had and look ahead to what you want to accomplish going forward. This might require more than thinking, but actually talking to somebody.... so they can call you on your bullshit LOL.

I went through a whole series of emotions thinking last night about the year I've had. In retrospect, I wouldn't change any of it. I learned so much; mostly about my limits and just how far I allow someone or something to push me before I will move no more. Other people learned about my limits too LOL.

*sips tea*

I'm not making any resolutions this year except to be a better me. Besides, I'm way too flawed to prioritize one or two to focus on LOL. So I'm gonna give my "issues" the floor; each to step up in their own time to be righted. Let the universe decide.

I did treat myself to a seafood feast for my birthday (at midnight) but after the mussels and the shrimp and scallops, all in a wine/butter/garlic sauce, I have NO room left for the crab legs. But that's quite alright - they will be just as delicious tomorrow - God willing.

With that, I bid you all adieu and Happy New Year. May 2016 bring you everything you deserve...

*sips tea*

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Did you hear the news???

I got a new job! It's about damn time! I'll be taking a step down from management but the financial upside alone is worth it and there will be growth opportunities in no time. You know what I always say; sometimes you have to take a step back in order to move forward in the right direction. I'm excited and nervous at the same time but I have faith in my abilities and I work hard so I know it's gonna be okay.

I thought I would be looking forward to quitting my current job but now that I'm about to, it's bittersweet. The company has a lotta shit it needs to get together but I'll miss working with some of the people. I also know the bosses are not going to be happy at all with my leaving and they're probably gonna pull out all the stops to get me to stay. Unfortunately, too little and FAR too late. Besides, I've been there long enough to know that anything they give you can and likely will at some point be taken away. There's no loyalty there and the only thing worse than a bunch of disloyal muthafuckas is a bunch of disloyal muthafuckas cutting my checks. No, thank you, sir.

I will do them the courtesy of working the week since I wont be starting the new gig until the week after my vacation ends. I'll make sure everything is properly handed over to whomever will be taking the reins on my projects and my team. Might even donate some deals to my team since I'm quite sure the powers that be will find some way to screw me out of those commissions anyway given that they wouldn't be paid until weeks after I'm gone. SOMEBODY ought to get paid.

So this is definitely a season of cheer for me and I'm definitely looking forward to bigger, better chapters. Speaking of, I'm literally writing some new ones while I'm on vacation. There are 2 things I'm promising myself to do this year as I turn 40; get a passport and publish ONE book. You heard it here first!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Forgiveness vs Moving On

Sometimes people confuse forgiveness with moving on. Forgiveness comes with acceptance; accepting that you may never get that money back, that you may never get an apology or never get someone to even admit that they were wrong. Forgiveness sometimes means taking a loss and being okay with it so you can move forward freely and progressively.

When you just move on, you simply get past the situation, but you drag it along with you, shackled to your ankles. That progression, if there is any, is labored, not free. At any time, that situation could arise in conversation or in thought and it will take you right back to the place you were emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Forgiveness is about letting shit go. LET IT GO.

You haven't forgiven if everything you have to say about a person or situation is followed by a "but..."

You haven't forgiven if you're constantly bringing up their repeated history.

You haven't forgiven if you can't be family until you get your money back.

That said, forgiving people their transgressions does not mean welcoming them back into your space. It is perfectly acceptable to forgive and walk away. Forgiveness does not mean putting yourself back in the position of being used, played and taken advantage of and if you happen to be, you can't put that on anybody but you, especially since you claim to know what this person is about. Mature people who have had enough should feel absolutely fine saying, "Look, I forgive you. We family; I love you... but there is no place in my life for people who do what you continue to do. You need to go find yourself, but I do wish you the best."

In that order.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Lort...

Jesus.

Went to my company Christmas party last night, fully intending to only be there an hour or so like I do every year and apparently ended up staying nearly the entire time. They gave out awards periodically throughout the night and I wound up getting employee of the year....

*staring into the camera*

Figures. It's not like I didn't earn it - I totally deserved that shit - but I think the bosses got wind of the fact that I was leaving and it was an effort to placate me. I mentioned at some point yesterday that I wasn't feeling too good and might not go to the party and one of them basically threatened [jokingly] to rain hell on my entire department if I didn't LOL. Now I get it.

So after I win this award, which actually was in the first hour or so of my being there, everybody and their mama suddenly wants to do shots with me. I DONT DO SHOTS. But I did them last night. Total setup.

I don't remember leaving the club but I do remember standing on a corner somewhere trying to find my Uber. This is the thing; the party was in Manhattan and I live in New Jersey. I only intended to take the Uber to the PATH station about a 5 minute drive away. $48 dollars later (according to my receipt) I done took the shit ALL THE WAY HOME LOL. Fine. In my apparent condition, it was probably the best thing I could have done.

I wake up this morning like okay, I'm home, in my own bed, BY MYSELF LOL, good. But the last thing I remember is waiting for the Uber. I get up and my son is giving me that look a parent gives a child the morning after that child stumbles in after their first night of horrible decisions and he's like "You alright?" The conversation that follows includes a hilarious flurry of walking into walls, mumbling undecipherable somethings and throwing my keys on the kitchen floor LOL. In the process I find my dress on the floor of my room and my coat, which clearly has seen better days. There is vomit all on it. Of course, I start looking around at that point, but there is no trace of any vomit anywhere else and I don't feel the grossness that comes with having vomited the night before so I put two and two together and come to the nastiest conclusion one can muster..... somebody threw up on me. Disgusted. Totally. The only thing worse is the thought of the office on Monday, where I will no doubt get bits of shit I said or did that are completely unbecoming but will, if nothing else, help me piece together the rest of the night. But at least I can take comfort in knowing I didn't go home with anyone, didn't actually throw up myself and even in a drunken stupor, I still made my way safely home.

The miracle in all this shit is that I am not the least bit hung over. I can't imagine, for the life of me, how I'm not after 3 jack and cranberries (no ice) and at least 4 shots of fireball and tequila, but I'm grateful. That hangover would be HELL. So thank you to the liquor gods for having your girl's back and thank you to the Uber angels who take care of pitiful party-goers like me at their worst. Don't remember the guy AT ALL but how could I not rate him 5 stars after that? LOL

SMH.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Tending the Garden

Wow, October 7th was my last post? Sheesh! But I mean, I was busy sucking at life so..... LOL.

That's probably not an accurate summation because all things considered, I could be a lot worse off, but it has definitely been a stressful few months. It took me about two weeks to process the conversation with my father and when I finally got around to blogging about it, I couldn't find the words to accurately convey my feelings. Suffice it to say that I got exactly what one should expect from a man who would go 20-some-odd years without speaking to his child and the expectation of anything greater was simply naïve and wishful thinking. That said, the door remains open and he has been informed that he should feel free to call whenever he feels compelled to do so. We have had 2 markedly shorter and equally empty conversations since the first, which on some level might be labeled progress, but any bright ideas formerly held in regard to going to see him in Detroit no longer exist. That is all I have to say about that.

I've walked off my job 3 different times since my last post and seriously considered each time never going back, but the family I am responsible for feeding and providing shelter for did not allow that course of action. I spent a few legitimate days "sick" after a panic attack I had in the office but things have since leveled out, or I should say, returned to its NORMAL level of bullshit. I am actively looking for another gig now (finally) so I hope to be making a move early in the new year, despite being put back into the management position that was pulled out from under me back in July (uh huh). I'm happy to make more money while I'm here, sir, of course I will accept your kind offer in lieu of an apology...... *eye roll*...... but trust and believe this changes NOTHING.

Safe to say I've been lightweight depressed for a little while now but it didn't present in the recognizable ways so I was unaware until very recently. Until the last few days, I haven't been speaking to ANYONE [offline] except the two little people who live in my house. It was like some kinda self-imposed - but subconscious - real world blackout. Even the online interactions were minimal. In hindsight, I think part of me didn't want to have to explain what was (and wasn't) going on in my life, but I'm really not one to do that anyway, so it was an irrational response. Another part of me didn't want to be "the doctor" anymore; I didn't want to hear about anybody's shit because I was going through my own BUT also didn't want to talk about it - inherent conflict. I was also feeling frail and naked and unworthy and invisible and a whole host of other foreign feelings that made me supremely uncomfortable. In that discomfort, I fell apart and so did just about everything else. Then last week an opportunity [at work] came my way and I DECIDED I was going to put 110% into making it happen and you know what? I did. And for the first time in a long time, I could see daylight. I still have some weeding and sprucing to do tending this here garden, but I can see... DAYLIGHT. I wanna do things again. I wanna go places, I wanna meet people, I wanna reconnect with the world.... but maybe not all at once LOL. Let me take these baby steps and get all the way back to me.... and then I'll get back to you.



Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Overwhelmed

I spoke to my father tonight for the first time in 22 years.

Loading....

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Paralyzed

I'm gonna take this one slowly because.... I guess I'm still working through it.

Got a call today from my [paternal] sister, calling to tell me our father wasn't doing well. Apparently my cousin - the one who had been working on my forgiveness of my father for years - had called her to let her know he was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. My sister, in turn, called me. She hasn't spoken to or seen him in 20 years herself and probably has more hostility toward him than I did (I digress) but she has decided to drive down to Detroit to see him just so she wouldn't have any regrets should this be his last round. She thought I might want to do the same.

I do.... but..... (sigh)


Sunday, September 13, 2015

Check Your Circle

This is my circle. 6 degrees between us (2 of them masters - holla!), and every single one of us is literally a boss and have all - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US - been promoted in 2015. We fight for and with each other. We tell the brutal truth, even when it doesn't want to be heard. Most importantly, we build each other up rather than look for opportunities to tear each other down. We all play different positions with each other but I would be 100% comfortable calling any one of them if ever my world should fall apart without fear that my vulnerability will be used against me. Sometimes you have to stop and take inventory. Look around you and assess where you are in life and how you got there. Whether you are making moves or not, the people in your circle have everything to do with it. Check yours. #4Quarters #Not100Pennies #CashmereMafia

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Family Ties

There's no other place I could have possibly ended up tonight but in here.

For starters, my mother came into town yesterday. I had been dreading it, to be perfectly honest, because with the exception of the couple of emails that set up this trip, we hadn't spoken since 4th of July weekend and it wasn't the fuzziest of partings. The midgets were dreading it too because she's got a tendency to be miserable and crotchety when she's here to the point that I often wonder why she even bothers. But to my surprise, she was refreshingly upbeat and, dare I say, pleasant LOL. She looked incredible too - like 15 pounds lighter and 10 years younger type incredible. Telling her so seemed to make her beam even more and I had this strange sense of gladness that I was able to. Like it would linger in her thoughts. I hope it does.

I didn't attend the party with her both because I didn't want to (LOL) and because I had other plans. My cousin had put together a surprise birthday dinner for my aunt. We have been trying to get together for all the time I've been down here but just haven't been able to make it happen, so when I got the text about the shindig and it was in a place I knew I could get to, I was all in. Something I haven't divulged yet is that a few weeks ago, I got a call from my father. I missed it, so he left me a voice mail. My call back resulted in a voice mail as well and we still haven't connected. I had no real idea who would be at the dinner but I knew he wouldn't have flown up from Detroit on such notice. It didn't stop me from briefly imagining his among the faces I might scan as I entered the restaurant, but I knew he wouldn't be there.

And he wasn't.

But I had the pleasure of sharing the evening with his near-twin, my uncle, who I adore despite not having spoken to him in at least 8 or 9 years and not having seen him in - get this - 24. TWENTY-FOUR YEARS. In fact, I hadn't seen anybody in that room in that long, with the exception of my aunt, who I saw about 16 years ago, when my sister died. Ain't that some crazy shit? But even though it had been that long since I had been around them, it wasn't awkward, uncomfortable or anything and I didn't feel at all like an outsider. Though I hadn't seen her, my aunt had been the glue that kept me in the family fold, making sure she kept in touch over the years, sent birthday money to the midgets, who she still has never met, and being instrumental in the hopeful reconnection I'm on the brink of making with my father. She's the reason I have any relationship at all with my father's side of the family and I am grateful. I wouldn't have missed this opportunity to celebrate her for the world. And I had such a good time with everybody. SUCH a good time. My uncle and I have promised to do a better job being in touch and seeing each other, as did his daughter and I. Now 31, she was like 8 the last time I saw her.... SMH. I'm 39 years old and I've never had pictures of myself with anyone from that side of my family before tonight. It's kind of a big deal.

Now the only thing I want out of life is to have a picture of myself with my father. There's no safety in that desire. At all. But though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The "Like" Life

Yo.

How bout I happen to be scrolling through Facebook this evening and the message window pops up. It's this dude I've known for a good deal of my life but we don't have an active relationship of any kind outside of being Facebook friends. I don't know what possessed him to hit me up on this particular day but he was all in his feelings about the fact that I don't regularly "like" or comment on his posts. Really? Like.... REALLY???

Now he didn't come for me hard, he was basically trying to say that I wasn't showing him no love, but I was annoyed because this isn't the first time he tried to sling shade at me. I posted a stat on the evening of January 1st thanking everyone for their birthday wishes and he responded with a post of his own; a sneak dis, talking about nobody knew it was my birthday, if it wasn't for that post he woulda forgot we was even Facebook friends because I never "like" or comment on his statuses and fuck my birthday. He didn't say any names but he didn't have to. I knew he was referring to me and the good deal of friends we had in common probably knew that shit too. But I let it ride.

When he came at me today about it all gingerly and shit, like it was innocent and he just wanted us to maintain a relationship, I couldn't hold it.

You might need to get a life, bruh, cause sitting online counting likes you cant spend is corny. You 40 years old and just got the best job you ever had as a call center customer service representative. Maybe you should be devoting more time to getting your fucken life together and not whoring yourself on the internet for followers cause you not even that funny, dawg. You not. If you were, I would probably be liking more of your statuses. You wouldn't be like-thirsty if you spent more time out here in the real world like most of us instead of trolling Media Take Out and Worldstar HipHop for fucken fight videos and rap battles. Muhfuckas out here dying in these streets and you think that's appropriate? Then in the same breath post some R.I.P. shit, talking about you so hurt and the madness need to stop. You and all the ratchet hoes that do like your shit are all part of the problem, my nigga. Ass-backward like waiting for a cruise ship at the airport. But you mad somebody don't "like" or comment on your posts.

GTFOH.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

On a Tuesday.....

It's been a month (and some change) I know. Stop acting like you ain't used to this shit by now LOL.

What's been going on? A lot. Not much of it has been blogworthy - or what I would deem to be something any of you would give a shit about LOL - but it's definitely been trying for me. In the last month, I have been tested in more ways than Bubba can make shrimp, let me tell you. I've been forced to question a lot of things in my life, in my thinking, in my station.... most of which I've come to some resolution about. Other things, not so much.

One issue I just came to terms with today. I was talking to my friend about wanting to get wooden blinds for my living room windows and I realized that I am afraid of my house LOL. Sounds crazy but it's true. If you have been around a while you know that it has been about 5 years since I moved to Jersey. The first year I was here I was working a contract job that wasn't sure if they wanted me here or in DC. For at least 8 months, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay here or be required to relocate to DC. That made me leery of doing too much with the place and having to figure out how to move it all. Then that contract ended unexpectedly and it took me so long to start working again that I thought I would have to move back upstate. Then for another year I was working a job that didn't really cover my bills and I didn't think I would be able to keep my place. After that, I started working where I am now and the money was a lot better but I had spent so much time in the "I might not be here long" mindset that I've been conditioned to feel that way. It's been 5 years in this joint and I still don't have a kitchen table LOL. Decorating or investing in fixtures forms an attachment and though it's not a conscious thought, I still haven't been able to come out of the fear of doing so. Even though I'm aware of this, it's hard to overcome. I've committed to taking baby steps to conquer this issue but the epiphany definitely set me on my heels. It really shouldn't be that big a deal but I think it's evidence of something deeper. Many things over the last 5 years have been temporary and it's bred fear in me.

That's a scary thing to address in yourself, that you're afraid....of everything.... when in actuality, you don't feel afraid of anything. You don't really CARE about anything. Being detached is a dangerous thing. Realizing your detachment is a defense mechanism for loss of control requires work on your part, and there is no way around it. You cant stay in that position once you acknowledge the defect. You cant. At least, I cant.

So I am on a journey to healing that and a few other areas I have stumbled across that have hindered my growth. In the last month I have also realized how far I come though and I am proud of my progression. There is something really big at the end of this thing, I know it. I just have to have the courage and strength to look my reflection in the eye and confront what I see looking back at me.

I got stories, yes. They will come slowly, but they will come. I haven't been writing at all but I feel it coming on.... slowly.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Temperature check....

Still no luck unjamming whatever thoughts there are in my head right now but I'm not trying to rush them - they will come when they're ready. I can say that I have been thoroughly enjoying this time to myself this week. I definitely needed it. Could have done without the constant text messages from coworkers/managers telling and asking me stuff (bitch, I'm on vacation!) but whatever. The reflection I have been able to do is priceless.

Let some things go this week... letting some people go as well; you have to from time to time. I feel lighter. Freer. But there is definitely still some stuff in there I need to flush out. I'm not in the best space right now with my family - my mother, namely - but that's really nothing new either. Planned on a trip to DC tomorrow night but I decided that also wasn't something I wanted to do. I guess I am in a place of really examining the things I'm doing and the motivation for doing them and resolving not to proceed if it's out of expectation. I really aint the expectation girl to begin with but I admit that there are a lot of times - due to the role I play in some people's lives - that I end up doing stuff simply because someone else would like me to. If it isn't inconvenient, I just do it, but right now, convenient or not, if its not what I really wanna be doing... the head space I'm in doesn't allow for it. The ground around me is unsettled and I feel like the only safe place is where I currently stand. I'm not fearful though. It's wisdom that keeps me from moving; knowing that timing is everything and exercising the patience my intuition is telling me is required here. As stressed as I could be with everything recently, I am quite at peace, and for that I am grateful.

For now, off to these 800 thread count sheets. THAT, my friends, is what's up.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Writer's Block - Part 1

I have been trying to write a blog for the last 2 days and I just have not been able to pull it together. There has been so much going through my mind, being on stay-cation this week, alone with my thoughts... I don't know if the issue is how much to get into or where to start....

Bear with me. It's coming.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Feeling Brand New

Last night was a hum dinger! I stepped outside of myself and the payoff was monumental. So glad somebody convinced me to get out and get something and what I got was so much more than expected. I don't remember the last time I felt so alive. Operation Go Get It is officially in full effect. Let's go, summer 2015!

Details to come...... maybe LOL

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Ships and Shit



Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's stop pretending you're not use to this shit by now, k? Thanks. LOL

It's been an interesting few weeks since my last post about.... whatever the hell it was. I don't mean interesting in the sense that I have been out skydiving and base jumping and shit but interesting in the way that makes me appreciate having a handle on not having a handle. You dig? Of course not. Well let me try to explain.

I talk you through lessons I've learned all the time, but occasionally I come to realize that some lessons, although recognized, have not quite been learned. At least not in their entirety or to the point of feeling no need to test the theory at some later date. Well a while back I mentioned having come to the notion that relationships sometimes change for [seemingly] no reason at all and that sometimes you have to accept that and let a muthafucka float the fuck on. What I didn't quite grasp is that there really are no exceptions to that rule. Doesn't matter what the nature of the relationship was, doesn't matter how long someone was a part of your life, or even if the person is family, but in true Dig form, I ignored my better judgment and decided to.... just make sure LOL.

Now in my own defense, this was all precipitated by someone reaching out to me to clear up what he presented as a simple misunderstanding. I didnt even really know this dude like that, we just "talked" briefly, but I was receptive and we embarked on the, once again, brief journey into "seewhathappens"-ville. I came to the decision in the end that I really had no interest in him being a part of my life in any capacity, but the mere fact that the door had swung back open gave me the brilliant idea that maybe others could too. I tried my old key in two locks of note and those doors opened but... I kinda wish they had just changed the locks. You walk in, shit is just all over the place.... Just board this bitch up and slap a condemned notice on the door so I'll know to unscrew the light bulb from my bright ass ideas LOL. SMH.

At the end of the day, I am who I am, so I'll probably always be receptive to someone reaching out to me to make amends, but nowhere is it written that accepting an apology or cordially returning a "hope all is well" cant be the end of it. All ships eventually come to port, ending that particular voyage. FriendSHIPS and relationSHIPS are really no different and when they dock, you get the fuck off the boat. Voyage over. So that's what I've taken away from the last month of my life - the remaining piece of the 2-part lesson on letting go.

Part One: Let 'em go.

Part Two: Yes, THAT muthafucka too.

So to all the S.S. Minnows out there LOL, we can leave it at this. We're good. I'm not mad at you, hopefully you're not mad at me, but I have too many ships still afloat to be worrying about the wreckage.

But......... hope all is well! LOL



Tuesday, April 28, 2015

The Secret

"If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people to collect wood and don't assign them tasks, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the ocean."

–Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Inspired

Between stress, fatigue, travel and all the other bullshit we shall herein refer to as "work-related" I don't really get out much these days. So it was really nice to get out and about this weekend and even better to be doing it with my best friends. Outside of the occasional Red Lobster apps and drinks we try to do when I go back upstate to visit, I cant remember the last time the four of us were all together at the same time. Even better, after a little roaming around NYC during the day, we spent last night rocking out at a Michael Jackson vs. Prince party, which, if you know us, you know is some epic shit. One of the best parts about it was watching one of my friends dance the whole entire night when I cant even remember the last time she really danced at all. It made me warm inside to see her enjoying herself after and despite so much she's had to endure over the past few years. It just goes to show that you, her, him, anybody can choose to be happy and live life.

It's unfortunate that the girls cant always be a part of it, but this weekend has motivated me to put some real effort into getting out and doing things. Of course, I need to manage the "work-related" shit so I don't need to spend my weekends recuperating from the bullshit, but I live in (well, on the outskirts of) the most interesting city on earth and I should take advantage of all it has to offer.

My challenge: to get out and do something noteworthy at least once a month. Not sure if it will be the first thing, but I gotta throw "Wicked" on that list of things to do. I've been wanting to see it for quite some time now and why should I wait to have someone to go with? If I wanna see it, I should. And I'm going to. Simple as that.

Now if I can only find a ticket that's not $9,000 lol. Gotta love NYC.

Monday, April 13, 2015

"Still single"

"What is a beautiful, intelligent woman like yourself doing still single?"

STILL single? Sigh.

FIRST of all, I really want people to stop asking this question this way like it's supposed to be some kind of compliment. Contrary to what you THINK you are saying, the message you're actually conveying is that there is something wrong with this situation. It assumes that every woman has to be out here pounding the pavement, looking high and low for a man to be with and given a particular set of apparent qualities, if they aren't with someone, there must be something wrong with them. And this is presuming you even know for a fact that said women ISN'T with someone - just because you don't know her business doesn't mean she doesn't have any.

Secondly, relationships don't validate anybody. Where is it written that anyone - woman OR man - has even got to WANT to be in one? That's not to say that everybody doesn't wanna be loved or be IN love or whatever the fuck (lol) but bitches got jobs and kids and shit to do. Aint nobody got time to be out here with a flashlight in the daytime trying to find no man. For a great many of us, a relationship is something that just happens, if and when it happens and oftentimes, it's with great compromise. Many of us have enough penis PH in our lives to be good without having a stamp on one. For many of us, the idea of being able to date who we want, when we want is more appealing than the prospect of having to respond to that annoying ass "where you at, I called you twice" text in the middle of Being Mary Jane..... okay, maybe that's the wrong show to reference for the purpose of this conversation LMAO! But my point still stands.

Bottom line is while I do believe that people inherently want to be with someone, not all of us are pressed to do so at the expense of our actual priorities. Some of us also understand the value of being selective and not getting with just any man that wants to get with us. Like.... what the fuck is wrong with you that you don't get my squint?

That said, there is nothing wrong with the inquiry, the problem is in the posing of the question. Ask me about my last relationship; the story will probably end with the answer you're looking for as to why I'm currently single - assuming I am (shade, right? lol) There's a hundred ways to get what you need here without subconsciously insinuating that I must be broken if I possess all these great qualities and am "still single".

Guess it couldn't possibly be because that's happens to be how I like it right now, huh... assuming I am lol. Huh?

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Get over yourself

Question: Its the one thing I can't live without and only YOU can give it to me.

Answer: Not a gotdamn thing.

Get over yourself.

Monday, February 16, 2015

That Moment When....

....you find out your kid is fuckin.

Now I'm no dummy, I had an inkling that he might be. When I was coming up, most kids were having sex by their junior year of high school and kids today are a lot faster than most of us were. But the day your suspicions are confirmed, it's almost like the thought never entered your mind before the moment all doubt has been removed.

I like my son's girlfriend - she's cute and sweet and quiet..... yeah, I know. Anyway, I can tell she is as good a girl as they seem to get these days. I can tell she has that "mama" fear when I'm around - she won't even look me in the face most of the time, only speaks when spoken to, that kinda thing. She came over to hang out with him today, which is cool. They were in the living room, watching movies most of the time.

At some point I get up to start cooking and his room is right off the kitchen. I see they're in there. Not my preference, but the door is open and he's just showing her something. I do my initial food prep and go back to my room to answer my phone. As I hang up, I hear a door close - softly. I take my time strolling down the hall, back toward the kitchen, and though I shoulda kicked the bitch open, I gave the door a double tap before opening it, trying to spare myself the aneurism. The door hits him in the back, cause he's leaned up against it, and he kinda rolls around it to intercept me, like "yes, mom?" Don't fucken "yes, mom" me - as he rolls around, I see him adjust the waistband on his sweats and shorty spun off to the other side of the room, putting her back to me and APPEARING to be wiping her mouth. Sure, kisses get sloppy, but I didn't get the feeling that's what was happening. I was sort of dumbstruck in the moment, didn't really know what I was gonna do if the feeling came back into my arms and legs, so I'm glad I was paralyzed and could only manage the words, "I will kill you." He gave me the nervous, lord-dont-let-her-throat-punch-me-but-let-me-front-like-I-got-this-in-front-of-my-girl laugh and I shot him the "mama" I-will-fuck-you-all-the-way-up look and told them to bring they asses up outta there. She couldn't move fast enough and I knew she wanted to crawl up under the floorboards and die. They returned to the couch as I went back to cooking, contemplating the little talk he and I were DEFINITELY going to be having later.

I'm SUPER annoyed going back to my room, like.... I straight wanna punch him in the face. But I keep it cute, not so much because I don't want to embarrass him, but because I don't want to embarrass her. I'm in my room about an hour before I'm back in the kitchen to check on the roast and now he's tonguing her down on the couch. He sees me coming and pauses, giving me this dumb as look, which was met with a death stare of my own, but he clearly didn't get the message, because when I snuck a peak a few moments later, he was back at it. Now I'm fuming but I still don't want to set it off. I hold my mule. I finish dinner, girlfriend joins us and shortly thereafter, he goes to walk her to the bus. Very luckily for him, I've had time to calm myself and actually choose more productive words than those I was originally going to have for him, and when I called him into my room, I felt good about him not being carried back out on a gurney.

I kept it short and sweet, telling him although I expect his behavior outside of my presence to be representative of me, WHATEVER he might be doing out there, when he's in MY house, he is going to be respectful of my presence. That's not his room, its my room that I allow him use of while I am feeding and clothing him for the next year and a half of his life. I told him that I hope the kissing and cuddling is all he's doing but should that not be the case, I hope he is being responsible. He goes, "VERY responsible."

Enter cardiac arrest. I continue.

... and that because I do know other things could potentially be happening, if he needed me to provide him with means to be responsible.... "I'm good, mom. I got it."

*clears throat*

Okay. Get out.

For all those out there wondering, it doesn't feel better knowing. But I do appreciate the fact that he, in so many words, told me. I don't all the way know what I'm supposed to do now, or feel now, or.... drink now lol. Yeah, I definitely need a drink NOW.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Hollywood Game Night Interview

So... I SMASHED the Skype joint. That said, I hated it LOL!

They prep you so much in advance and between questions to be animated and energetic that I felt like I was on crack. Now I get why those spots are always so corny - they make you feel like you have to be super over the top to get the gig. The lady loved me, there was no doubt about that. She kept telling me how cute I was. I still don't know if I'm in there though. It looks good - she told me to send her a bunch more pictures of me and the kids and game nights and get-togethers at the house so I'm assuming I've got a pretty good shot. Guess I'll know pretty soon because the first day of taping for the season is going to be March 10th. I'll have to keep yall posted but if I do get on the show, I don't wanna hear NOTHING about damn corny my intro is. And I totally told them the story about how I got promoted the day I was going to quit so I might need that $25,000 after they fire my ass LOL.

Sheesh.

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Heyyyyyy, Ms. Maura

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder, I get a call from Burbank. I don't recognize the number so I don't answer it. Seconds later I have a voice mail and I'm curious so I check it right away. It's some lady named Maura who says she's calling about my application to be on Hollywood Game Night.... I saw that. Don't judge me LOL

I completely forgot I ever registered for consideration - it was back in like May - and I certainly had no real expectation of anybody calling me about it. But lo and behold, here's Maura. So I called her back and she asked me to tell her a little bit about myself. Of course, I have no idea what to say, but I rattle off a handful of stats and add how much my son and I love the show. She's super sweet and all kinds of California perky so when she said we were going to play a couple of games and then do a pop quiz, I was all about it.

The game we played was "How do they doo it" (or something to that effect lol) and it calls for me to "sing" a song using "doo's" instead of the lyrics. I never felt so ridiculous in all my life but it really was kind of fun. Then she gave me a pop quiz consisting of probably 30 pop culture questions, the majority of which I got right. She said she was passing me through to the next round of consideration which would be a Skype interview with a couple of the show's producers and a replay of the game we played and another pop quiz. She gave me homework so I could be as prepared as possible and at that point, I went into the kitchen and put the phone on speaker so my son could hear. He lost his whole entire shit, LMAOOOO! Now he's gonna be quizzing me all damn night...smh

So I don't know how this is all gonna turn out, but tell me WHO but me would this happen to? LOL If nothing else I will have a blast making a gotdamn fool of myself tomorrow night even if I don't make the cut. I absolutely do love the show so it would all be worth it, no matter the outcome. But just think..... what if they do select me? That would be soooooooo DOPE! LOL Consider this an exclusive though because I'm not telling anybody else about this unless I get the gig - Whaaaaaaat? LOL

Anyway, I'll let ya know.

Friday, January 30, 2015

You want me to do what, now?

Woo, Lawd, the NERVE on this nigga LOL.... smh.

So New Year's weekend, I'm on Facebook and I see a post from a guy I know stating that he had just totaled his car. He's posted pics which clearly show he is lucky to be alive, let alone not injured in any way, and he's asking for any friends he has in the area who can lend some assistance to do so. "The area" in question happens to be about an hour away from me but while I did somewhat grow up with this guy, we haven't had so much as a Facebook conversation in like 4 years and it was probably another 4 before that. Clearly he's got friends closer than me who will offer to assist.

So I'm watching the thread and everybody's happy he's safe but nobody's offering to help the guy. Like I said, me and homie are not active participants in each other's lives at all but in the end it started to annoy me that people who I KNOW were in a better position to help him just sat on their hands while this nigga stranded in the freezing cold and snow. So I hit him up like yo.... I dont even know how much help this is since I don't have a car and can't come get you but I am only an hour away so if you can manage to get here, I can at least offer you a place to crash for the night and you can figure out your next move. He says he's got a carload of shit because he was relocating and asked if it would be okay to keep it at my house until he can come back to get it. I have the space - sure, that's fine. Long story and $160 cab ride later, he lands on my couch, then hops a flight out to Orlando the next day, taking as much as he could carry. He says he'll be back in a couple weeks for the rest. Cool.

He's texting me from the airport about a letter he left in his jacket. Apparently his baby mama gave it to him before he left and he wasnt supposed to read it until he got to Florida. How cute. *RME* Now had he asked me to grab it and read it to him, I'd have been cool. I mean, I dont know the broad, what's it to me? But of course, he dont want me to get it and read it to him, he wants me to mail it to him. Um... okay. I agreed to mail it just like he agreed to text me the address when he got there. That didnt happen for another 2 days, so since it wasnt a priority to him, it wasnt a priority to me. He waited like a week to ask if I ever mailed it and of course by then, I had totally forgotten about the damn letter. How about I just put it back in your pocket and you can just read the shit when you come back? Pretty sure it doesn't contain the key of life.

"A couple weeks" came this past Wednesday when he showed up with his friend to collect the rest of his belongings. It was a quick and painless process despite the 6pm arrival actually being 10pm. We hadn't had a ton of contact outside of him rescheduling the pick up 3 times but I still felt relieved to have closed that loop once his stuff was gone. Hugs. Thanks. Deuces.

This morning I get a text. I swear to God, I could not make this up:

"So I was thinking, so you dont have or need a car, dont you want to help me out and put a car in your name for me? :)"

*staring into the camera*

No. Not even a little bit. I said as much. The NERVE on this nigga, LOL.

What kinda hoodbooger shit is that to.......... sigh. Ok, yeah, I pimped out the couch for a night and played POD to your shit for 3 weeks but that's a small thing, my nigga. Put a car in my name? Like... a whole car? LOL Just the magnitude of that shit has me on chuckle right now, like YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU cannot be serious LOL. And he asked that shit like he was asking for some gum, like it was really no big deal! Un-fucken-believable, people are. And now that I think about it, I remember him saying to his homeboy something about now he just gotta get a car and then commenting something about needing to get somebody to put it in their name, but I didn't think anything of it. I know a nigga wasn't expecting ME to be like "Oh, I'll do it for you." What? LOL I don't have a car because no, I don't really need one, but holla - I DONT EVEN HAVE A CAR but Ima put one in my name for YOU so you can fuck up my ability to get one if I should so choose? You aint even my man! Hell, we aint even fuckin! LMAOOOOOOOOOOO! I mean at least be able to check ONE of them damn boxes before you position your lips to get knocked clean off your face! The nerve! Oh, I cant. I. CANNOT. That shit feels straight disrespectful right now LMAO!

Where my glass at..... SMH

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Whitney

So here are my thoughts…..

I HATE Yaya DaCosta, and I mean WITH. A. PASSION. But I have to admit there were moments that she was really giving me Whitney. I mean, she really did the research, watching footage, studied Whitney, all that, because I SAW Whitney at times. What threw me most was her voice. It was too high-pitched and prevented me from really buying in. But I have to give credit where credit is due and Yaya definitely gave me more than I expected from her, all things considered. I can’t front, that “I will always love you” performance scene at the end kinda got me…. But I might have just been at the funeral all over again.

Bobby, on the other hand….. um….. LOL. There was nothing about this nobody they casted that gave me Bobby Brown. NOTHING. He wasn’t a bad actor. He just wasn’t BOBBY.

Now the music…… I love Deborah Cox. LOVE Deborah Cox. And even though there are some aspects of her voice that are reminiscent of Whitney’s, its not nearly close enough that her renditions of Whitney’s songs make me feel close. What’s disappointing is that there are so many Youtube stars who do. I heard a couple Whitney tributes on Youtube that if I weren’t looking at the screen, I would have thought WERE Whitney. Why not pay some nobody who actually sounds like her to do the tracks?

Wesley Jonathan as Babyface? Really tho? Son, LOL. SMH. But Clive Davis was 100% CLIVE DAVIS.

I found it interesting that Angela Bassett chose to put Whitney’s drug use on front so early. She made a clear assertion that Whitney was doing the shit before Bobby, which is something I always suspected. Not that its facts just because its in this movie, but I think it was always just more comfortable for people to believe that America’s princess got dragged into that lifestyle by this bad boy, ruffneck dude from Boston who nobody thought she should have ever been with.

To be honest, I felt like this movie was more about Bobby than it was about Whitney. I don’t feel the movie did her life justice at all and I wasn’t shocked that this was the case. VH-1 and Lifetime suck at biopics, mainly because they don’t want to spend the money to do them justice. The stories they choose to tell simply can’t adequately be told in 2 hours. They can’t. There was SO much left untold and unexplored that we as the public know about, it just felt empty. The most key moments in the public space of Whitney Houston were necessary to tie it all together and they just weren’t there. There were moments – including Bobby’s proposal, as told from his own mouth in the interview afterwards, and the murder of his friend – that were not even close to how they actually occurred that really annoyed me. I wanted to give Angela Bassett credit, as a friend who probably had really intimate conversations with Whitney, trying to tell the story that was untold or misinterpreted, but when you know the story and you see it not playing out the way it went….. I’m just disappointed. But I expected to be. It was way too soon for this and VH-1 or Lifetime was not the vehicle by which it should have come. Period.

So with that, I am going to digress on any further commentary. As an idol of mine, Whitney, I feel, deserved better representation. And I don’t mean in terms of making her look good, because we all know her life was just a mess after a certain point. I mean in terms of telling her story. Remember her right, you know what I’m saying? I’m sorry. I’m salty.

Friday, January 16, 2015

I quit! Wait.....what? LOL

Son. I don't know why the Lord be playing games with me but I really feel like He be up in Heaven just thinking of ways to fuck with me and be cracking Himself up doing it. He knows good and daggone well I was planning to quit my job. How I end up with a promotion and a 33% raise? LOL

Well I'll tell you how.

A couple of days ago I was presented with the possibility of being promoted (replacing someone else who quit, funny enough) and during the course of this conversation a few things became clear.... First, our CMO would have to approve it. Understand that I kinda cant stand our CMO and in my mind, I'm thinking she probably aint all that fond of me either (I'm vocal. She's an idiot. Do the math.) Second, she has the choice to either veto my boss's recommendation and put someone else in the role (although I'm by far the most suited for it of her choices) or she could eliminate the role and divvy up the projects amongst the other managers. This is the less desirable option for a number of reasons but given the state of affairs, could very well happen, also for a number of reasons. Boils down to putting someone in the role would be the best decision for the business AND I'm the best person for it. That said and some other BS factoring in, I made (and voiced to my boss) the decision that if this was not the direction she chose to go in, I felt I would have no choice but to resign. I knew he wasn't going to tell our CMO that, but I was stressed the hell out last night because I just KNEW she was gonna pull some sucka shit and I'd have to give my notice. It didn't help that the meeting about it, which was supposed to take place first thing this morning, didn't actually happen until just before lunch time. In my mind... yeah. It's about to be some bullshit LOL. It was in the sense that she didn't woman up and make the offer to me herself, as per proper protocol, but she "authorized" my boss to do it. He was more than happy to do it and I was more than happy to be sitting down with him as opposed to her, so at the end of the day, I got my promotion, I got my raise, and I got Monday off despite the fact that the company refused to acknowledge it as a "closed for business" holiday. Fuck that, I'M closed for business.

So I made God laugh again, telling Him my plans, but I don't think this happened so I could stay with my company. I think I'm still supposed to leave (and I still plan to) but now I'm in a position to leave for something higher paying and on a higher level and I can be a lot more comfortable in the meantime. See, I don't always know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but God does. And even while He's sitting up there laughing at my lack of vision, He always points at the end result and goes "See what I did there?" LOL

Me: I do. Good lookin out. *pound*

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

#Unbothered



This here is my personal philosophy so imagine my delight when it was the first thing I saw, in bold ass letters, in an entire essay somebody wrote about fucks not given. I LOVED it! LOL I'm SO buying that guy a drink if I ever meet him. For real though - I am of the general opinion that a failure to grasp and master this concept is the reason people can't find their happy. You just cant let yourself give a fuck all the time. Giving a fuck attaches you to shit and attaching yourself to shit means putting skin in the game. Now you're tied to the outcome of a situation that never needed to impact your life in any way save that you chose to give a fuck. Same way you pick your battles, pick your fucks. If that shit aint gonna matter in 6 months, dont let it matter today. There's plenty of things you HAVE to give a fuck about so why add unnecessary shit to the list? The sooner you get a grip on what actually matters in your life and become #unbothered by the shit that dont, the happier you'll be.

Slowly but surely, 2015 is turning into an exercise in fucks not given. It hasn't even been a conscience effort; when the situation calls for it, I just instinctively do not give a fuck LOL. I think maybe the older people get, the easier it is to know when something or someone is simply not worth giving time or energy to. I'm human so something might get me in the moment like "No this muthafucka didn't...." but in pretty short order, that shit becomes so irrelevant. It really is quite freeing, actually. Yall should try it LOL.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

1-11-15

Definitely been a long ass week. My long-time sidekick at the job found another gig before I did (cause I totally dropped the ball - get this - actually RELAXING during my 2-week vacation) and Friday was her last day. I always knew it would be a bittersweet day when we finally parted ways but I had no idea it would be as emotional as it was. I organized a happy hour in her honor (shit, we were going drinking regardless so if yall wanna come, the more the merrier lol) at the end of which there was about a 19-minute too long 20-minute period of hugging and crying and "its so hards" that I do not need in my fucken life LOL. I am HORRIBLE at goodbyes but it really wasn't one. We're kickboxing buddies and we've vowed to continue going and to maintain some sort of routine drinking schedule. These things tend to fade over time but I think we'll both make a legitimate effort..... at least for the first 6 months lol. I'd honestly be surprised if my little California compadre isn't headed back west in a year. Her biological clock is ticking and she cant see herself making any permanent moves this far away from her family. Whatever the strategy, I wish her well. This one's for you, girl. *sip*

I've got a couple things on tap, oddly enough, both with the same company. I had another thing going until the email I received confirming my interview happened to mentioned a starting salary of $36,000 and an aggregate expectation of about $55K. Huh? Oh no, boo boo, you got me fucked ALL the way up lol. I politely emailed the lady back stating that there must have been some miscommunication in our initial correspondence. See, I aint just graduate college. I'm not just starting out in my career. I was making $36,000 as a base like 13 years ago lol. Fuck I look like? But the other things look promising, so we will see what happens there and I'll keep looking for other suitable possibilities as well. I'm moving a little slower than I might normally be because I don't just want an interim gig. I want to make a move I can live with for the long term. That shit is a lot more complicated than just finding a job. I wont front though - a lotta days I'm ready to go be on fries just to get out that bitch. But nah, son. Nah. I'll be patient and bide my time. The right thing will come through and I believe it will be soon. Or it might be these damn Liam Neeson movies I been watching just making me feel like I got a particular set of skills.......... LOL.

Go to bed.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Happy New Year

I know I'm late, shut up. I'm out here getting my life together, dammit LOL.

Hi!!!! Been an interesting year so far, this 2015. I'm feeling amazing for no reason at all and I kinda like that. Who needs a reason? I turned 39 a few days ago and I think I'm on the path to sewing up these 30's in an awesome kinda way. No idea what's on the horizon but if the last week of my life has been any indication of things to come, I am ALLLLLLLLL about it! LOL

The office was still a mess after the renovations they did during the company shut down period so I ended up with an extra day off while the cleaning crew goes in and puts the place back together. I'll take it. I definitely dropped the ball on looking for another gig during my break but I haven't abandoned the mission. Now that I've put some other pressing matters to bed, I can focus squarely on that over the next few weeks and hopefully be outta open-floor-plan hell before the first rain of spring.

Had a heart to heart with my son the other day and I think he is finally starting to understand that he is too close to real world living to be playing around. 18 months is not a long time and he's gotta get his shit together. I appreciate the fact that he brought the conversation to me, rather than me taking it to him. I think it shows an honest desire to be better on his part and that's all I wanted. Now let's see if he can deliver on it.

Welp.... just wanted to drop in and update the world on my existence LOL. Looking forward to getting back into a steady flow and sculpting this year to my own specifications. No resolutions. No empty affirmations. Just doing me. MY way. With no regrets.

I'll holla.