#SafeAtHome

I woke up at 3:38 this morning to go to the bathroom. Got back in the bed, but whether or not I actually went back to sleep is debatable. There were moments here and there when I'd feel myself go under, but I'd be right back up in a matter of seconds or minutes, just inundated with thoughts.

Good thoughts.

Bad thoughts.

"Wish I never had..." thoughts (forgive me, I couldn't help myself LOL)

But seriously, just so many thoughts, really associated in no way at all: dead people I haven't thought about in years, ex-boyfriends (or whatever we may have been calling ourselves at the time), my hair, my Amazon delivery, the beer in the fridge, and the fact that my bed isn't built for the kind of sex I was also thinking about, just to name a few. I also remember thinking about a lesson I learned far too late in the game, and wishing I had learned it sooner. In fact, I wished I had done a lot of things sooner.

One thing this pandemic has taught me is that things we put off today could very easily and without warning become things we never get the chance to do. Who knew the world would fucken CLOSE? How is that even a thing? But here we are.

And now having received official notice from my employer that we will continue to work from home until at least August 1, I find myself with renewed purpose.

I pissed away the last 2 months - no real exercise to speak of, no home improvement projects, no planning, no nothing that would be in any way contributing to a better me. But now with the confirmation of another 2 months minimum working from home, the amazing Mother's Day I had was the start to doing things differently.

I started boxing again with my son, and even got my daughter in on it. I'm experimenting in the kitchen and making some of the most delicious food I've never before made in my life. I'm not only thinking about things I want to do in my house; I'm thinking about buying one. I'm paying closer attention to the options I own and evaluating which I should invest more in. Ten minutes after my kids say goodnight to me, I'm in their rooms again telling them I love them and hugging them tightly - admittedly, that's fear. Of so many things.

My daughter wrote me the most heartfelt letter for Mother's Day, talking about the ways in which I have influenced her. Truth is, she has influenced me too. Her passion for going natural has inspired me to let my relaxer go. I only permed it 3, maybe 4 times a year anyway (as opposed to the recommended 6-8 weeks) so I figure fuck it, why not? I'm stuck in the house for God knows how long so nobody's gotta witness the process and if it doesn't work out, I can always go back to my perm. I did it initially as a show of solidarity for her, but in the process, I've fallen in love with it. It's not even that much more work, I just have to manage the two textures until such time that I become comfortable with chopping off the permed length and I think that will be sooner than I initially thought. Stay tuned.

84 degrees on a May Friday in Jersey and not a single place to go if I wanted to. But honestly right now, there's no place I'd rather be than home, taking it all in... from inside. #SafeAtHome