It really annoys me when people just HAVE to be right, especially when the detail they're trying to be right about has absolutely nothing to do with the conversation you're having. That's like..... us discussing the Eric Garner situation and you going out your way to google the footage because I said he was wearing a blue shirt when you know for a fact it was black. Like.... really? Were you really gonna lose sleep over that shit? I reaaaaaaaaaaally hate that. Really do.
ANYWAYZ...... *rolling my eyes* LOL
Hi! Dang, last time I posted was October 31? That's like 6 weeks! My bad. I've been a little busy though. Well..... maybe "busy" isn't the right word. PREOCCUPIED. Yeah. I've been preoccupied. Mostly positive things but with the good, always comes some bad. I'm dealing though and very much looking forward to whatever lies on the other side of midnight, a couple Thursdays from now, as I hope all of you are. Yall know its a new year for me in the literal sense, being that it's also my birthday. Can you believe it? I'll be 39 - YIKES! I'd rather just skip to 40. I don't know why. 39 is just a dumb number LOL. But as usual, I'll be grateful to see it - God willing.
I have a lot to do over my holiday break but I am SO looking forward to it. What I'm not looking forward to is this company Christmas Party. If it wasn't mandatory, I wouldn't even go to that shit. Well they can require me to show up but dammit, they can't make me stay LOL. Actually, it probably won't be too bad. Open bar and the handful of coworkers I can stomach should be enough to get me through at least 2 hours. If it's not, well, I'll probably be right in here telling yall why it wasn't LOL.
But we'll see what happens. In the meantime, thanks for sticking around through the silence. One day, I hope to make you all glad you did.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
The Conundrum of Parenthood
Today started out great but it sure isn't ending up that way.
Had an interview this morning. Killed it. Came home to find my son STRAIGHT CHILLIN in his drawz. WTF??? I was in such shock I couldn't even move - lucky for him. I do remember telling him he had 3 minutes to get his clothes on and get his ass to school and he was outta here in 2. I managed to get myself together enough not to let it bother me for the rest of the day and I wondered if he would be smart enough to stay out til curfew. I mean CLEARLY he was gonna be on punishment. That's a given, right?
This boy strolls up around 5:30, two girls in tow and his best friend at the door. He tells me he needs to get something for him. Fine, get it... but you know you not going with them, right? All hell breaks loose. He wants to negotiate if he gets to go out tonight, because its Halloween, he will be on punishment for the next 2 weeks. Oh, silly, misguided child LOL. This is not up for discussion. He had the nerve to say "I could just leave," as in what am I really gonna do if he did. "How long would I be on punishment for?" I'm sure there is no caption for the look I gave him other than (in my Wyclef voice) "Someone please call 911."
At that point I texted his father because in 3,2,1, he was gonna need to come get what would be left of this little muthafucka. He called and spoke to him, made him apologize and all has been quiet, aside from a few groans, ever since. Here is my problem with that:
I love my kids father... with a grain of salt LOL.... but why does it take for him to call and threaten you for you to act like you got some gotdamn sense? Why am I the parent you live with, who supplies ALL of your day to day needs, gets you where you need to go, answers your random ass questions and makes all the sacrifices and you don't feel an obligation to be just as obedient in a heated moment because I can keep composed and not knock your fucken teeth down your throat? Is that really what it comes down to? I mean don't get me wrong, I aint got no problem fucking a 16 year old boy up. HOWEVER I am of the mindset that it should not be necessary. I'm wired to think past the moment to the repercussions and I know there is no scenario in which that would end well, so as much as it is a full body and soul struggle, I maintain my composure.
It is rare that I find myself in this situation. My kids are both generally respectful and obedient as anyone who knows them would tell you. That being said, my son is 16 and we are all well aware that kids at that age will try their parents. Every now and then he gets to feeling himself and every once in a rare while he loses his gotdamn mind. This is the second time as I recall.
A third will end differently.
Had an interview this morning. Killed it. Came home to find my son STRAIGHT CHILLIN in his drawz. WTF??? I was in such shock I couldn't even move - lucky for him. I do remember telling him he had 3 minutes to get his clothes on and get his ass to school and he was outta here in 2. I managed to get myself together enough not to let it bother me for the rest of the day and I wondered if he would be smart enough to stay out til curfew. I mean CLEARLY he was gonna be on punishment. That's a given, right?
This boy strolls up around 5:30, two girls in tow and his best friend at the door. He tells me he needs to get something for him. Fine, get it... but you know you not going with them, right? All hell breaks loose. He wants to negotiate if he gets to go out tonight, because its Halloween, he will be on punishment for the next 2 weeks. Oh, silly, misguided child LOL. This is not up for discussion. He had the nerve to say "I could just leave," as in what am I really gonna do if he did. "How long would I be on punishment for?" I'm sure there is no caption for the look I gave him other than (in my Wyclef voice) "Someone please call 911."
At that point I texted his father because in 3,2,1, he was gonna need to come get what would be left of this little muthafucka. He called and spoke to him, made him apologize and all has been quiet, aside from a few groans, ever since. Here is my problem with that:
I love my kids father... with a grain of salt LOL.... but why does it take for him to call and threaten you for you to act like you got some gotdamn sense? Why am I the parent you live with, who supplies ALL of your day to day needs, gets you where you need to go, answers your random ass questions and makes all the sacrifices and you don't feel an obligation to be just as obedient in a heated moment because I can keep composed and not knock your fucken teeth down your throat? Is that really what it comes down to? I mean don't get me wrong, I aint got no problem fucking a 16 year old boy up. HOWEVER I am of the mindset that it should not be necessary. I'm wired to think past the moment to the repercussions and I know there is no scenario in which that would end well, so as much as it is a full body and soul struggle, I maintain my composure.
It is rare that I find myself in this situation. My kids are both generally respectful and obedient as anyone who knows them would tell you. That being said, my son is 16 and we are all well aware that kids at that age will try their parents. Every now and then he gets to feeling himself and every once in a rare while he loses his gotdamn mind. This is the second time as I recall.
A third will end differently.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Why I dont mess wit my mama
She gets some stuff for the midgets for school so I tell her I would send her money to pay for it when I got paid again. I had no idea how much it came to initially but I figure 100 should more than cover it. Rather than just let me send her the $100, she calls me for my card information so she can just pay the bill directly online. No problem. Turns out the bill is only about $60.
Why this woman thinks I owe her the other $40? LOL And she really mad about it, son!
SMH. #icant
Why this woman thinks I owe her the other $40? LOL And she really mad about it, son!
SMH. #icant
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Love is...
Love is.... interesting.
The older and wiser you get, the more you realize that it doesn't always look the way you've believed most of your life that it should. It isn't this fantasy feeling that comes over you and makes you vulnerable and fearful of somebody now having an ability to break you into pieces. Real love doesn't transform you into some would-be victim. Love in its realest sense empowers you because the things that draw you to a person reflect the best parts of YOU. That's the kind of love that makes you stronger, encouraged and determined to be even more awesome than you suddenly see that you are. So even when it doesn't come in the package you're expecting, you appreciate having it in whatever way that you do. That's a lesson I learned this week. If you waste too much time wishing things were more, you never take the time to appreciate how they are. Its more than acceptance - that sounds like surrender or some kind of settle. Its awakening. Its ... epiphany. Its everything.
The older and wiser you get, the more you realize that it doesn't always look the way you've believed most of your life that it should. It isn't this fantasy feeling that comes over you and makes you vulnerable and fearful of somebody now having an ability to break you into pieces. Real love doesn't transform you into some would-be victim. Love in its realest sense empowers you because the things that draw you to a person reflect the best parts of YOU. That's the kind of love that makes you stronger, encouraged and determined to be even more awesome than you suddenly see that you are. So even when it doesn't come in the package you're expecting, you appreciate having it in whatever way that you do. That's a lesson I learned this week. If you waste too much time wishing things were more, you never take the time to appreciate how they are. Its more than acceptance - that sounds like surrender or some kind of settle. Its awakening. Its ... epiphany. Its everything.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Update
It has been an... interesting couple of weeks. I have been on the highest of highs and the lowest of lows consecutively for just about that whole time, so my lack of blogging has definitely not been due to lack of material. I just haven't had the energy.
I started seeing somebody a couple of weeks ago that I thought had some real potential but I know my history, while at the time knowing very little of his, so I played it close to the vest. He started out just about everything I would have wanted him to be, punctuality notwithstanding, but he was on 10 very early in the game, which gave me pause. The old me would have gone with it, saying love's not on a timer, but the more mature, sophisticated me knew better. There did come a time when I thought I could risk it, but as soon as I started to lend myself to that idea, he started showing me that I shouldn't. A trip I made upstate seemed to derail the whole shit. We got past it and were geared up to pick up where we left off, but a conversation we had the next time out, again, gave me pause.
He had told me he had a 17-year old daughter and two sons but he never wanted to talk about the boys. Then finally that night, I found out that one was 21, so I guess there wasn't much to talk about there...?.... and then I found out his other son was just one year old. It didn't really set off any alarms initially, but then he told me that he was conceived with a woman he had stepped out on his 7-year relationship with. He emphasized that the relationship was pretty much over at the time, but y'all know my position on that. "Pretty much" ain't the same as over. He said he dealt with the chick (who happens to be from the same place upstate I just left - sheesh) for about 7 or 8 months before he couldn't take it anymore. By that time, she was already pregnant. He gave me 10 reasons he couldn't stay with her but I didn't really hear any of them. Then the conversation turned a bit and I asked him when the last time he had sex was. "Does oral count?" he asked. Yes, nigga, it counts LOL. He says two weeks ago (which at the time would have been a week before we started seeing each other) and goes on to tell me he felt like he just wanted some head so he called some broad he's known since high school because "that's what she does." Now I don't know about y'all but me personally? I am not comfortable with the idea that a man has head on speed dial. I'm no rookie - I know most men probably do - but to be comfortable enough to say that to me, the woman you want to be YOUR woman, like I'm supposed to be "oh ok, one of those" didn't sit well. While he's going through all this background, he says he doesn't want to know about my past. He's not concerned with anything prior to our connecting. That didn't sit well with me either. I don't think you necessarily need to dredge up EVERYTHING you've done or been through, but how are you going to build a real relationship with someone who's history and patterns you know nothing about? If nothing else, you should want to know why their LAST relationship ended.... if they have a history of cheating... thrown a brick through a window LOL.... something. All things considered (not to mention the weekend disappearing acts) I'm supposed to trust you? But I kept it to myself. A week and some other bullshit later, I'm done. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Then Friday I found myself a plead away from quitting my job. My new manager straight showed his ass with me in a very public display and one thing I do not play is disrespect in the work place. I was in that space where I wanted to hit or throw something, knowing I couldn't, and restraint - though it APPEARS easy for me - is the hardest thing for me to swallow. Expressing myself is what I do. I've mastered the ability to do so very eloquently and still get my point across no matter the setting. However in this particular case, there was no finessing it. The only way to express myself with the amount of anger that had built up inside of me was to cry, and cry I did. In the conference room with my HR lady after my manager felt like he had better shit to do than to continue being fucken wrong, I cried. I told her I was going back to my desk to pack my shit and she pleaded with me not to. "You're an important part of that team, we need you here," she said. I didn't give a gotdamn, but I knew leaving that way would be something I would regret and at the end of the day, I have a family to provide for. In that regard, I am grateful she talked me down from the ledge but if I didn't have enough reason to move on before, I definitely have it now.
Some other things transpired too but these two things..... sighhhhhhh. I just wanted to come in here and give some account for my time away and say that although I am extremely exhausted from all of it, I'll try my best to get back to this. One thing I can say is when things take you to such emotional highs and lows so quickly and you find yourself drained of energy, you also find yourself drained of spiritual clutter. I haven't felt so mentally and spiritually clear in a long time, so I guess that's the silver lining. I'll take it.
I started seeing somebody a couple of weeks ago that I thought had some real potential but I know my history, while at the time knowing very little of his, so I played it close to the vest. He started out just about everything I would have wanted him to be, punctuality notwithstanding, but he was on 10 very early in the game, which gave me pause. The old me would have gone with it, saying love's not on a timer, but the more mature, sophisticated me knew better. There did come a time when I thought I could risk it, but as soon as I started to lend myself to that idea, he started showing me that I shouldn't. A trip I made upstate seemed to derail the whole shit. We got past it and were geared up to pick up where we left off, but a conversation we had the next time out, again, gave me pause.
He had told me he had a 17-year old daughter and two sons but he never wanted to talk about the boys. Then finally that night, I found out that one was 21, so I guess there wasn't much to talk about there...?.... and then I found out his other son was just one year old. It didn't really set off any alarms initially, but then he told me that he was conceived with a woman he had stepped out on his 7-year relationship with. He emphasized that the relationship was pretty much over at the time, but y'all know my position on that. "Pretty much" ain't the same as over. He said he dealt with the chick (who happens to be from the same place upstate I just left - sheesh) for about 7 or 8 months before he couldn't take it anymore. By that time, she was already pregnant. He gave me 10 reasons he couldn't stay with her but I didn't really hear any of them. Then the conversation turned a bit and I asked him when the last time he had sex was. "Does oral count?" he asked. Yes, nigga, it counts LOL. He says two weeks ago (which at the time would have been a week before we started seeing each other) and goes on to tell me he felt like he just wanted some head so he called some broad he's known since high school because "that's what she does." Now I don't know about y'all but me personally? I am not comfortable with the idea that a man has head on speed dial. I'm no rookie - I know most men probably do - but to be comfortable enough to say that to me, the woman you want to be YOUR woman, like I'm supposed to be "oh ok, one of those" didn't sit well. While he's going through all this background, he says he doesn't want to know about my past. He's not concerned with anything prior to our connecting. That didn't sit well with me either. I don't think you necessarily need to dredge up EVERYTHING you've done or been through, but how are you going to build a real relationship with someone who's history and patterns you know nothing about? If nothing else, you should want to know why their LAST relationship ended.... if they have a history of cheating... thrown a brick through a window LOL.... something. All things considered (not to mention the weekend disappearing acts) I'm supposed to trust you? But I kept it to myself. A week and some other bullshit later, I'm done. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Then Friday I found myself a plead away from quitting my job. My new manager straight showed his ass with me in a very public display and one thing I do not play is disrespect in the work place. I was in that space where I wanted to hit or throw something, knowing I couldn't, and restraint - though it APPEARS easy for me - is the hardest thing for me to swallow. Expressing myself is what I do. I've mastered the ability to do so very eloquently and still get my point across no matter the setting. However in this particular case, there was no finessing it. The only way to express myself with the amount of anger that had built up inside of me was to cry, and cry I did. In the conference room with my HR lady after my manager felt like he had better shit to do than to continue being fucken wrong, I cried. I told her I was going back to my desk to pack my shit and she pleaded with me not to. "You're an important part of that team, we need you here," she said. I didn't give a gotdamn, but I knew leaving that way would be something I would regret and at the end of the day, I have a family to provide for. In that regard, I am grateful she talked me down from the ledge but if I didn't have enough reason to move on before, I definitely have it now.
Some other things transpired too but these two things..... sighhhhhhh. I just wanted to come in here and give some account for my time away and say that although I am extremely exhausted from all of it, I'll try my best to get back to this. One thing I can say is when things take you to such emotional highs and lows so quickly and you find yourself drained of energy, you also find yourself drained of spiritual clutter. I haven't felt so mentally and spiritually clear in a long time, so I guess that's the silver lining. I'll take it.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Honest fear
I think people take for granted when they call me on the ledge that I just automatically know what to say to make it all better. Truth is when I get that call, I am terrified. Contrary to popular belief, I don't have all the answers and sometimes I don't even have the split second it takes to ask the Lord to guide me and give me whatever it is you need to hear to keep you from jumping. I just take a breath and start talking and hope He answers the beep. I am just a woman, yall. A person. Human, like you. I'm imperfect and don't always even know what I should be doing moment to moment, but because you trust me, I trust me, and I hope upon all hopes when I open my mouth that it serves you.
My mama called me tonight while I was in the middle of a conversation with my daughter about her day so she (my daughter) witnessed this chaos of very odd order first hand. I didn't even realize until about 5 minutes into it when I saw her face looking so intrigued as to what was transpiring. I almost sent her to her room until it hit me that she probably needed to see this. She probably needed to know that this thing I do is not at all easy. She needed to see me close my eyes and send that split-second prayer up for help. But most of all, she needed to see me take the time out to give somebody that 5 minutes that could make all the difference. My mom was angry and itching and losing her mind and had no real idea why. The instructions I gave her came out of nowhere but they helped and I can only thank the Lord for that. Had to be Him cause ya girl... yeah. No clue. And I was so afraid in that moment.... so afraid. But I think what helped most is being honest in that moment and just telling her I loved her and if she had no other reason to hang in there, just do it for me. That wouldn't work for all of yall LOL.... but thank God it worked for her.
I am so exhausted. In the last week I have had 5 "take em to Jesus" conversations. One of them was with myself LOL. Sometimes I am grasping at straws trying to pull you from the depths. One of my best friends called me this week with an issue that had me about an inch from calling her out her name LOL. I am frantic in these moments, yall. Its THAT important to me that you survive the night, so if you find your way into my call log, please be patient with me. I don't know what I would do if I failed you...
My mama called me tonight while I was in the middle of a conversation with my daughter about her day so she (my daughter) witnessed this chaos of very odd order first hand. I didn't even realize until about 5 minutes into it when I saw her face looking so intrigued as to what was transpiring. I almost sent her to her room until it hit me that she probably needed to see this. She probably needed to know that this thing I do is not at all easy. She needed to see me close my eyes and send that split-second prayer up for help. But most of all, she needed to see me take the time out to give somebody that 5 minutes that could make all the difference. My mom was angry and itching and losing her mind and had no real idea why. The instructions I gave her came out of nowhere but they helped and I can only thank the Lord for that. Had to be Him cause ya girl... yeah. No clue. And I was so afraid in that moment.... so afraid. But I think what helped most is being honest in that moment and just telling her I loved her and if she had no other reason to hang in there, just do it for me. That wouldn't work for all of yall LOL.... but thank God it worked for her.
I am so exhausted. In the last week I have had 5 "take em to Jesus" conversations. One of them was with myself LOL. Sometimes I am grasping at straws trying to pull you from the depths. One of my best friends called me this week with an issue that had me about an inch from calling her out her name LOL. I am frantic in these moments, yall. Its THAT important to me that you survive the night, so if you find your way into my call log, please be patient with me. I don't know what I would do if I failed you...
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Epic Summer
My son was texting me a little while ago letting me know that he was going to be a few minutes after curfew. Not a big deal - I appreciate the heads up... but as per the rules, he loses an hour tomorrow. It's the first hour he's lost since summer began and I know it was just an oversight that made him a little late tonight but the rules are the rules. Still I took a minute to thank the Lord that I've got a good kid who... almost always makes it home on time. I started seeing him in my head, walking down the boulevard with his friends, hanging out up at the park, riding the light rail and, yes, at his girlfriend's house (*cringe*) and I realized it was the first time I had ever stopped to think about his experiences outside of our house. He's not the kind of kid that makes you worry about what he might be doing when he's not home. I go to work during the week, come home and he's not here but he's usually only about an hour gone, according to my daughter, and a few hours later, again, he's home right on time. But when I saw him in my head this evening, it hit me; epic summer.
Epic summer is the summer of epiphany. The summer when most adolescents have a series of experiences that quietly shape the way they will view love, friendship and identity going forward. It's the summer when teenagers are challenged to take those first steps toward who they will eventually become... decide where they stand... and when to run hard and fast in the other direction. It's a summer they see things they shouldn't, do things they never have before and learn things you wish they never had to. Its as pain-staking as it is awesome and you never, ever forget it. Although the timing of epic summer might vary from person to person, for most it seems to occur the summer going into 11th or 12th grade. For me it was the summer of '91 - the summer before my junior year.
I learned so much that summer I couldn't run it all down to you if I tried. What I remember most is a sleepover on Warwick, late nights at Bev's and having my heart broken for the very first time. I went through the ringer but that summer put me at what I'd view to be my perfect self. After the wounds healed, what I was left with was the lessons and I... was... everything. In truth, I'd give most anything to be that person again, but eventually some experience is going to find that one part of you that you never knew existed. Some experience will hit you in that place and rock you so far off your square that try as you may, you won't ever find your way back. You'll feel yourself close at times.... maybe at the corner.... or across the street.... but you'll never be quite THERE again. It's bittersweet, really. Maybe you cant go back but you've LIVED. Grown. Embraced. Accepted. Survived. I saw something the other day that said something like, "Don't be ashamed of the scars; they serve to show that you were stronger than whatever tried to destroy you." There should be no regret in that.
I don't know if my son is having his epic summer or not, but I know my mother had no clue I was having mine. She was checked out and even if she wasn't, I'm not sure she had the luxury of having her own to recognize it if she saw it. If my son is having his right now, I just hope he's paying attention.
Epic summer is the summer of epiphany. The summer when most adolescents have a series of experiences that quietly shape the way they will view love, friendship and identity going forward. It's the summer when teenagers are challenged to take those first steps toward who they will eventually become... decide where they stand... and when to run hard and fast in the other direction. It's a summer they see things they shouldn't, do things they never have before and learn things you wish they never had to. Its as pain-staking as it is awesome and you never, ever forget it. Although the timing of epic summer might vary from person to person, for most it seems to occur the summer going into 11th or 12th grade. For me it was the summer of '91 - the summer before my junior year.
I learned so much that summer I couldn't run it all down to you if I tried. What I remember most is a sleepover on Warwick, late nights at Bev's and having my heart broken for the very first time. I went through the ringer but that summer put me at what I'd view to be my perfect self. After the wounds healed, what I was left with was the lessons and I... was... everything. In truth, I'd give most anything to be that person again, but eventually some experience is going to find that one part of you that you never knew existed. Some experience will hit you in that place and rock you so far off your square that try as you may, you won't ever find your way back. You'll feel yourself close at times.... maybe at the corner.... or across the street.... but you'll never be quite THERE again. It's bittersweet, really. Maybe you cant go back but you've LIVED. Grown. Embraced. Accepted. Survived. I saw something the other day that said something like, "Don't be ashamed of the scars; they serve to show that you were stronger than whatever tried to destroy you." There should be no regret in that.
I don't know if my son is having his epic summer or not, but I know my mother had no clue I was having mine. She was checked out and even if she wasn't, I'm not sure she had the luxury of having her own to recognize it if she saw it. If my son is having his right now, I just hope he's paying attention.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Weekly Wrap-up
So what's been going on in my life? I wish I knew LOL. This has definitely been an... interesting week, to say the least.
First, I get a text from a homie of mine about a guy we went to high school with. He wanted to know if I remembered the guy because apparently the guy asked him about me the night before when they spoke. This threw me a bit because while I did remember the dude, I also recall that he and I never had a conversation past "whats up" in the time we went to school together. The only reason he even knew who I was, as far as I could tell, was because I had a history with one of his boys who incidentally is NOT the guy who texted me. Our relationship was more of an obscure one, though it did exist. I can't even imagine why the guy would think he'd be the one to ask about me except in noticing that we're friends on FB. What made things even more confusing was that the guy seemed to be trying to hook us up, encouraging me to hit this guy up because he lives somewhat near me. Again, I barely spoke two words to this guy so.... but I hit him up like I said I would. It was about 5 days before he was on FB again and left me a note to call him (without the forethought to also leave his number lol) so at this point we still haven't connected but I'll admit I'm curious.
Then, which should be no surprise given my history, I'm hit up by somebody else I use to know back in the day. He's another person I never really spoke more than two words to but I guess we eyed each other enough. He was a hustler and part of a popular crew. Being the insightful person I like to think I've always been, I knew it was probably best to keep my distance. 20-some-odd years later, we're FB friends, so I was a little confused to get a second friend request from him. I accept and shoot him a message to find out what the deal was (you know there are weirdos out there who duplicate people's pages, request all that person's friends and subject them to all kinds of viruses and what not) and his response was that he wanted to call me. I allow it.
First off, I had no idea you could make a call to someone whose number you don't have via the FB app - you learn something new every day - but he called me that way. He said his first page had been hacked so he had to make a new one but he always liked me so when I hit him, he took advantage of the opening. I guess I get it, but here we go again, you know what I'm saying? In a then-pleasant turn of events though, we ended up talking for like 5 hours, the caveat being that the majority of that time was spent talking about his previous relationships (of which there were many) and his kids (of which there were many as well - 7 to be exact - WTF?) The second day we spent about 6 or 7 hours on the phone but by this time, I'm more intrigued by the things all his rambling is pumping into my profiling tank - I'm a psychologist to my very core - but in no way am I feeling like he and I could ever be a couple. Not only is he all wrong, both on and off paper, but he's in denial about all the reasons why. I found myself ignoring his calls the third day because he had become just too much by then. I also didn't know you could leave someone audio messages in the FB chat, but again, learning something every day. This fool left me audio after audio after audio - one-minute messages all basically saying the same thing: nothing much.
I think I took a 2-day break from him before I finally called him. First off, I was feeling kinda crappy all that weekend, still trying to recuperate from strep. Secondly, I was tired of him talking my head off about this past of his that he didn't seem to be able to stop going back to. I told him as much when I called and his response was that he was just trying to put everything on the table early so I wouldn't feel like he held out on me. I get it but some things should be left until after it is determined if there is even a connection or not. If I don't like you, nothing you say is going to matter, and I told him; I think you are a cool dude but we don't have a future. We could be friends - in truth, I think a lot of his draw to me was just having someone to talk to in a way he was never able to before - and though he said he was ok with that, he still talked like we were... on a road. He was writing me love poems in the chat window, sending me these romantic emes but where I finally rang the bell to get off was when he sent me the message about not hitting him up to say good night...
"Im sorry?" LOL
Dude was all in his feelings. Im like SON! We not even like that, why would you be expecting such things? Then he went into this "I like you more than you like me" pity party, at which time I had to remind him that I didn't like him at all in the way he was referencing. But he wont hear me when I say that. He's still convinced its just gonna take time. How do I get myself into these things??? Don't answer that LOL.
Something kinda scary happened the first night I spoke to dude too. I fell asleep around 11 or so, woke up to see I had missed his call and sent him a FB note that I'd talk to him tomorrow. It's about 1 am now. I lay back down and start falling back to sleep with my back to my bedroom door. Suddenly I'm hearing a little noise which isn't too uncommon - my upstairs neighbors sometimes sound like they are coming through the ceiling - but I'm home alone so I'm sharp. I hear someone in a bathroom - again not uncommon. My upstairs neighbors' apartment is made exactly like mine and when they flush and stuff you hear the water coming down the pipes in the wall. But this doesn't sound like that. This sounds too close, like its coming from one of MY bathrooms. I just don't feel right so I roll over toward the door and see my hall light is on. I'm like oh shit! I sit up in my bed in a bit of a panic and before I can move, here comes this nigga walking INTO MY BEDROOM! I immediately realize its my upstairs neighbor so while I'm still paralyzed, I'm not afraid - we know each other and he's a relatively harmless older guy. He sees me, stops, goes "Oh hey," and turns around and walks back out the room LOL. WTF??? I get up and follow him down the hall, through the kitchen and to the door. He says something like "Its alright, we're just trying to fix this hole in the wall out here." I follow him into the hallway between our apartments and there is NO damage to any of the walls. I'm so fucken confused at this point. He goes down the stairs to the front door and tells me don't worry about it, there's nothing wrong with the wall and goes outside. I stand there another minute before I go back inside, sit on my bed for about 5 minutes and then go back up front. From the window I see a cab pulling off and he doesn't appear to be outside anymore so I assume he's gotten into it and left. I knock on his apartment door wanting to speak to his wife or daughter but no one answers so I go back inside, lock the door and sit processing for about 10 minutes. What I can say definitively is that he didn't seem all there, like he had had way too many beers or something, but the idea that he wasnt in his right mind is even more disturbing. It's not long before I get back to sleep, because like I said, I wasn't afraid when I saw it was him, but I still want to know why he was in my house and how the fuck he got in. As I thought about it I realize there is a better than 50/50 chance that I left the door open because when I first came home from work that day, I was supposed to go right back out to take the garbage down but something happened to derail me and I may never have gone back to lock the door. The alternative to that would be that my neighbor has a key to my house which is very unsettling. I wait for the apology the next day - it never comes.
Nobody was home all day on the 4th but I see him coming in the next day and meet him in the hallway with a "look". First thing out his mouth is "I sleepwalk." Really, nigga? You sleepwalk? That's what you got for me? LOL He says he is so very sorry and he doesn't know how he got into my house and when he walked into my room he must have thought he was going into his room (same floor plan and all). He says he doesn't have keys. I am still confused by a lot of what happened but I am pretty sure he wasn't sleepwalking. My understanding of sleepwalking is that one cannot have coherent conversation in that state and also doesn't have the ability to demonstrate fine motor skills such as required for unlocking doors for example, and they also don't generally remember the event. That being said, I am still of the opinion that he was drunk. He was clearly shaken by my confronting him in the hall and I knew I wasn't going to get a better story out of him so I dismiss him and commit myself to taking it up with his wife when I see her, only I haven't seen her all week. I'm still waiting to run into her but you better believe she and I are going to have a chat. I don't think he understood the graveness of the situation - I coulda shot his ass and I would have been totally justified in doing so. SMH
Lastly the kicker of all kickers; who pops back up outta nowhere but my ex - the one in the navy. If you recall a couple years back, he got deployed and long story short, we didn't make it. The same morning I had to tell the other dude "its too early for this shit, my nigga" LOL I get to work and find an email from him in my inbox. He's sorry, he misses me, he misses us and he's still overseas. That was the gist of what he said but I didn't get the point of him saying it. After all, he was still overseas and the other issues that got in the way of the happy ending we both thought so inevitable were still unresolved. He says he didn't mean for it to be two years before he got back in touch but due to his assignment it was the first opportunity he had to do so. I had resigned myself to the idea that I'd never hear from him again so I was taken aback by his reemergence. He called later that night, we spoke, and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I would have expected it to be. I also didn't crumble into a heap of emotions like I would have expected. Guess I really am over it. There was some allusion to a reunion and an "if I send for you, will you come" and again I surprised myself in saying no. I'm not angry at him, we NEEDED to break up, but I'm wise enough not to put myself back into a situation where the deck is stacked against me. I told him as much. He had no choice but to respect it. But I will say I am glad it took two years because a year ago this blog might read differently. Today I'm able to be friends and make sure that line in the sand is a moat.... filled with man-eating piranhas LOL
So an eventful week, to say the least. I ended it with a surprisingly fun happy hour with a bunch of my coworkers. The dude that professed his love for me last week took a moment to reiterate it I drank for 3 hours, not paying for a single one and earlier in the day I qualified for an entry into a contest where an all-expense paid trip to Turks & Caicos is the prize. Wouldn't it be some shit if I won it..... seeing as how I don't have a passport? The irony. But this is me we're talking about so it would not surprise me one bit.
First, I get a text from a homie of mine about a guy we went to high school with. He wanted to know if I remembered the guy because apparently the guy asked him about me the night before when they spoke. This threw me a bit because while I did remember the dude, I also recall that he and I never had a conversation past "whats up" in the time we went to school together. The only reason he even knew who I was, as far as I could tell, was because I had a history with one of his boys who incidentally is NOT the guy who texted me. Our relationship was more of an obscure one, though it did exist. I can't even imagine why the guy would think he'd be the one to ask about me except in noticing that we're friends on FB. What made things even more confusing was that the guy seemed to be trying to hook us up, encouraging me to hit this guy up because he lives somewhat near me. Again, I barely spoke two words to this guy so.... but I hit him up like I said I would. It was about 5 days before he was on FB again and left me a note to call him (without the forethought to also leave his number lol) so at this point we still haven't connected but I'll admit I'm curious.
Then, which should be no surprise given my history, I'm hit up by somebody else I use to know back in the day. He's another person I never really spoke more than two words to but I guess we eyed each other enough. He was a hustler and part of a popular crew. Being the insightful person I like to think I've always been, I knew it was probably best to keep my distance. 20-some-odd years later, we're FB friends, so I was a little confused to get a second friend request from him. I accept and shoot him a message to find out what the deal was (you know there are weirdos out there who duplicate people's pages, request all that person's friends and subject them to all kinds of viruses and what not) and his response was that he wanted to call me. I allow it.
First off, I had no idea you could make a call to someone whose number you don't have via the FB app - you learn something new every day - but he called me that way. He said his first page had been hacked so he had to make a new one but he always liked me so when I hit him, he took advantage of the opening. I guess I get it, but here we go again, you know what I'm saying? In a then-pleasant turn of events though, we ended up talking for like 5 hours, the caveat being that the majority of that time was spent talking about his previous relationships (of which there were many) and his kids (of which there were many as well - 7 to be exact - WTF?) The second day we spent about 6 or 7 hours on the phone but by this time, I'm more intrigued by the things all his rambling is pumping into my profiling tank - I'm a psychologist to my very core - but in no way am I feeling like he and I could ever be a couple. Not only is he all wrong, both on and off paper, but he's in denial about all the reasons why. I found myself ignoring his calls the third day because he had become just too much by then. I also didn't know you could leave someone audio messages in the FB chat, but again, learning something every day. This fool left me audio after audio after audio - one-minute messages all basically saying the same thing: nothing much.
I think I took a 2-day break from him before I finally called him. First off, I was feeling kinda crappy all that weekend, still trying to recuperate from strep. Secondly, I was tired of him talking my head off about this past of his that he didn't seem to be able to stop going back to. I told him as much when I called and his response was that he was just trying to put everything on the table early so I wouldn't feel like he held out on me. I get it but some things should be left until after it is determined if there is even a connection or not. If I don't like you, nothing you say is going to matter, and I told him; I think you are a cool dude but we don't have a future. We could be friends - in truth, I think a lot of his draw to me was just having someone to talk to in a way he was never able to before - and though he said he was ok with that, he still talked like we were... on a road. He was writing me love poems in the chat window, sending me these romantic emes but where I finally rang the bell to get off was when he sent me the message about not hitting him up to say good night...
"Im sorry?" LOL
Dude was all in his feelings. Im like SON! We not even like that, why would you be expecting such things? Then he went into this "I like you more than you like me" pity party, at which time I had to remind him that I didn't like him at all in the way he was referencing. But he wont hear me when I say that. He's still convinced its just gonna take time. How do I get myself into these things??? Don't answer that LOL.
Something kinda scary happened the first night I spoke to dude too. I fell asleep around 11 or so, woke up to see I had missed his call and sent him a FB note that I'd talk to him tomorrow. It's about 1 am now. I lay back down and start falling back to sleep with my back to my bedroom door. Suddenly I'm hearing a little noise which isn't too uncommon - my upstairs neighbors sometimes sound like they are coming through the ceiling - but I'm home alone so I'm sharp. I hear someone in a bathroom - again not uncommon. My upstairs neighbors' apartment is made exactly like mine and when they flush and stuff you hear the water coming down the pipes in the wall. But this doesn't sound like that. This sounds too close, like its coming from one of MY bathrooms. I just don't feel right so I roll over toward the door and see my hall light is on. I'm like oh shit! I sit up in my bed in a bit of a panic and before I can move, here comes this nigga walking INTO MY BEDROOM! I immediately realize its my upstairs neighbor so while I'm still paralyzed, I'm not afraid - we know each other and he's a relatively harmless older guy. He sees me, stops, goes "Oh hey," and turns around and walks back out the room LOL. WTF??? I get up and follow him down the hall, through the kitchen and to the door. He says something like "Its alright, we're just trying to fix this hole in the wall out here." I follow him into the hallway between our apartments and there is NO damage to any of the walls. I'm so fucken confused at this point. He goes down the stairs to the front door and tells me don't worry about it, there's nothing wrong with the wall and goes outside. I stand there another minute before I go back inside, sit on my bed for about 5 minutes and then go back up front. From the window I see a cab pulling off and he doesn't appear to be outside anymore so I assume he's gotten into it and left. I knock on his apartment door wanting to speak to his wife or daughter but no one answers so I go back inside, lock the door and sit processing for about 10 minutes. What I can say definitively is that he didn't seem all there, like he had had way too many beers or something, but the idea that he wasnt in his right mind is even more disturbing. It's not long before I get back to sleep, because like I said, I wasn't afraid when I saw it was him, but I still want to know why he was in my house and how the fuck he got in. As I thought about it I realize there is a better than 50/50 chance that I left the door open because when I first came home from work that day, I was supposed to go right back out to take the garbage down but something happened to derail me and I may never have gone back to lock the door. The alternative to that would be that my neighbor has a key to my house which is very unsettling. I wait for the apology the next day - it never comes.
Nobody was home all day on the 4th but I see him coming in the next day and meet him in the hallway with a "look". First thing out his mouth is "I sleepwalk." Really, nigga? You sleepwalk? That's what you got for me? LOL He says he is so very sorry and he doesn't know how he got into my house and when he walked into my room he must have thought he was going into his room (same floor plan and all). He says he doesn't have keys. I am still confused by a lot of what happened but I am pretty sure he wasn't sleepwalking. My understanding of sleepwalking is that one cannot have coherent conversation in that state and also doesn't have the ability to demonstrate fine motor skills such as required for unlocking doors for example, and they also don't generally remember the event. That being said, I am still of the opinion that he was drunk. He was clearly shaken by my confronting him in the hall and I knew I wasn't going to get a better story out of him so I dismiss him and commit myself to taking it up with his wife when I see her, only I haven't seen her all week. I'm still waiting to run into her but you better believe she and I are going to have a chat. I don't think he understood the graveness of the situation - I coulda shot his ass and I would have been totally justified in doing so. SMH
Lastly the kicker of all kickers; who pops back up outta nowhere but my ex - the one in the navy. If you recall a couple years back, he got deployed and long story short, we didn't make it. The same morning I had to tell the other dude "its too early for this shit, my nigga" LOL I get to work and find an email from him in my inbox. He's sorry, he misses me, he misses us and he's still overseas. That was the gist of what he said but I didn't get the point of him saying it. After all, he was still overseas and the other issues that got in the way of the happy ending we both thought so inevitable were still unresolved. He says he didn't mean for it to be two years before he got back in touch but due to his assignment it was the first opportunity he had to do so. I had resigned myself to the idea that I'd never hear from him again so I was taken aback by his reemergence. He called later that night, we spoke, and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I would have expected it to be. I also didn't crumble into a heap of emotions like I would have expected. Guess I really am over it. There was some allusion to a reunion and an "if I send for you, will you come" and again I surprised myself in saying no. I'm not angry at him, we NEEDED to break up, but I'm wise enough not to put myself back into a situation where the deck is stacked against me. I told him as much. He had no choice but to respect it. But I will say I am glad it took two years because a year ago this blog might read differently. Today I'm able to be friends and make sure that line in the sand is a moat.... filled with man-eating piranhas LOL
So an eventful week, to say the least. I ended it with a surprisingly fun happy hour with a bunch of my coworkers. The dude that professed his love for me last week took a moment to reiterate it I drank for 3 hours, not paying for a single one and earlier in the day I qualified for an entry into a contest where an all-expense paid trip to Turks & Caicos is the prize. Wouldn't it be some shit if I won it..... seeing as how I don't have a passport? The irony. But this is me we're talking about so it would not surprise me one bit.
Monday, June 23, 2014
And the children are our future...... SMH
I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't heard it myself. If somebody came and told me they had the conversations I had with the parents of the boy who showed up at my house last night, I would swear they were exaggerating just to make a point. When I tell you I heard some of the most ignorant and immature shit I have ever heard out of parents' mouths today, BAY-BEH! WOO LAWD.....
SMH... Its a lotta shit to be tryna type so Im gonna try to just hit the key points in an effort to keep it brief.....er LOL.
First of all, I knew the interview the boy told me he had was a lie because when I asked him this morning what time his interview was, he said he called and they said he couldn't go because he didn't have his documents, which he thought he wouldn't need because he had taken that stuff to the initial interview. It wasn't the stuff about the documents that tipped me off; it was the fact that it was 7:30 in the damn morning and who the fuck did you call and WHEN cause my son JUST woke you up. He said he'd be spending the day trying to find some other work and then chilling with his girlfriend. Im thinking Oh... so you have a girlfriend up here? Interesting. The more I thought and the more I found about this boy's family situation (a lot of which will be omitted here simply because its too damn much to type) the more I knew he had to go - TODAY.
I get to work and cant reach his mama so I text her that I want to talk to her about her son. She texts me back like a half hour later asking who I was and it was then I noticed the oh-so-classy signature "Mz. Skorpion" on her messages. Awesome. This is going to be just awesome. She says she'll call me when she gets off at 3 so in the meantime I call the boy's daddy, but Im gonna skip ahead to my conversation with her for the sake of fluidity.... The first thing she says to me after I explained why I was calling was "Let him sleep in the street." *insert record scratch, tire screech AND Scooby Doo noise* There was a bit of a silence because I was convinced I hadn't heard her right. "Im sorry?" She said, "Yep. That is exactly what I said." Well. Okay then. She proceeds to tell me how she may sound harsh but people don't know the hell she has been through with the boy (although nothing she specifically mentioned came anywhere near Texas, let alone hell LOL) and how his whole objective was to get back up here to be with his girlfriend and everything is about the girlfriend and anything that interferes with him and the girlfriend becomes double-barreled disrespect. She proceeded to tell me how he overstayed his last welcome at another mutual friend's house because he became very disrespectful to his mother when her rules conflicted with what he wanted to do as it concerned the girl. I said well hold on cause this is not a conversation about him staying with me, letting you know and finding out particulars as it relates to your desires for him. Im calling you cause he CANT stay here and I just want your input as to where he should be headed. LETS BE CLEAR. Her response was she really didn't give a shit. If he comes back to VA, fine. If he stays in Jersey, he is on his own. She does not care where he is, what he is doing and she will not, in any way, shape or form, be sending money, items or support for somebody else to be taking care of him here when she is perfectly capable of taking care of him there and he is just choosing not to be there, so if Jersey is where the answers are, he needs to go find them. Ok awesome sauce, I see you are really not going to be of any help so thank you for your..... time LOL. Sighhh.
Now Papa Punkass.... I see right away what the problem is with him: he don't wanna take responsibility for SHIT. He is one of those smooth talkers that tries to agree with you to make you think he's about something but his subsequent actions - or lack thereof - still leave you staring into the camera. He wants to play victim, talking about its not fair to him that the boy came when he's been saying for so long he cant afford to have him here and doesn't have space. Im sorry, space? Well shorty sleeping on my COUCH. Tell me you don't got wunnadoze and then we can talk about the space you don't have. I get it, theres a lotta shit that needs working out but he needs to be on YOUR couch while yall doing that. You don't have to check in with me, let me know whats been decided or nunna that shit. THIS AINT MY CHILD. That being said, if I had gotten the call he got from me today, I'd be in communication with [me] on and off all day long, making sure we stayed looped in about MY child. Seven hours later, I had to call HIM like what up, yo? He talkin bout the aunt hasn't called him back. Okay so when you coming to get him. He wanna talk about how he gotta be to work at 7 so nobody will be there.... eh-eh, Im talkin bout TONIGHT, Jack. TONIGHT. He gon tell me he have to talk it over with his wife and see how she feels about it LOL. Nigga what? Let me back up cause I obviously wasn't clear: I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT IT! THIS IS NOT MY CHILD. And with that, we hung up and I imagine he went to talk to his "wife" because she just called me 5 minutes ago saying they were going to pick him and his things up this evening. Yes, I thought you might.
Dad just came to get the boy's things and is on his way to collect the boy from the girlfriend's house. He says, "We found a place for him, he's going to stay with his aunt up in Brooklyn."
*blink, blink*
I just........ sighhhhhhhhh.
*drops mic*
SMH... Its a lotta shit to be tryna type so Im gonna try to just hit the key points in an effort to keep it brief.....er LOL.
First of all, I knew the interview the boy told me he had was a lie because when I asked him this morning what time his interview was, he said he called and they said he couldn't go because he didn't have his documents, which he thought he wouldn't need because he had taken that stuff to the initial interview. It wasn't the stuff about the documents that tipped me off; it was the fact that it was 7:30 in the damn morning and who the fuck did you call and WHEN cause my son JUST woke you up. He said he'd be spending the day trying to find some other work and then chilling with his girlfriend. Im thinking Oh... so you have a girlfriend up here? Interesting. The more I thought and the more I found about this boy's family situation (a lot of which will be omitted here simply because its too damn much to type) the more I knew he had to go - TODAY.
I get to work and cant reach his mama so I text her that I want to talk to her about her son. She texts me back like a half hour later asking who I was and it was then I noticed the oh-so-classy signature "Mz. Skorpion" on her messages. Awesome. This is going to be just awesome. She says she'll call me when she gets off at 3 so in the meantime I call the boy's daddy, but Im gonna skip ahead to my conversation with her for the sake of fluidity.... The first thing she says to me after I explained why I was calling was "Let him sleep in the street." *insert record scratch, tire screech AND Scooby Doo noise* There was a bit of a silence because I was convinced I hadn't heard her right. "Im sorry?" She said, "Yep. That is exactly what I said." Well. Okay then. She proceeds to tell me how she may sound harsh but people don't know the hell she has been through with the boy (although nothing she specifically mentioned came anywhere near Texas, let alone hell LOL) and how his whole objective was to get back up here to be with his girlfriend and everything is about the girlfriend and anything that interferes with him and the girlfriend becomes double-barreled disrespect. She proceeded to tell me how he overstayed his last welcome at another mutual friend's house because he became very disrespectful to his mother when her rules conflicted with what he wanted to do as it concerned the girl. I said well hold on cause this is not a conversation about him staying with me, letting you know and finding out particulars as it relates to your desires for him. Im calling you cause he CANT stay here and I just want your input as to where he should be headed. LETS BE CLEAR. Her response was she really didn't give a shit. If he comes back to VA, fine. If he stays in Jersey, he is on his own. She does not care where he is, what he is doing and she will not, in any way, shape or form, be sending money, items or support for somebody else to be taking care of him here when she is perfectly capable of taking care of him there and he is just choosing not to be there, so if Jersey is where the answers are, he needs to go find them. Ok awesome sauce, I see you are really not going to be of any help so thank you for your..... time LOL. Sighhh.
Now Papa Punkass.... I see right away what the problem is with him: he don't wanna take responsibility for SHIT. He is one of those smooth talkers that tries to agree with you to make you think he's about something but his subsequent actions - or lack thereof - still leave you staring into the camera. He wants to play victim, talking about its not fair to him that the boy came when he's been saying for so long he cant afford to have him here and doesn't have space. Im sorry, space? Well shorty sleeping on my COUCH. Tell me you don't got wunnadoze and then we can talk about the space you don't have. I get it, theres a lotta shit that needs working out but he needs to be on YOUR couch while yall doing that. You don't have to check in with me, let me know whats been decided or nunna that shit. THIS AINT MY CHILD. That being said, if I had gotten the call he got from me today, I'd be in communication with [me] on and off all day long, making sure we stayed looped in about MY child. Seven hours later, I had to call HIM like what up, yo? He talkin bout the aunt hasn't called him back. Okay so when you coming to get him. He wanna talk about how he gotta be to work at 7 so nobody will be there.... eh-eh, Im talkin bout TONIGHT, Jack. TONIGHT. He gon tell me he have to talk it over with his wife and see how she feels about it LOL. Nigga what? Let me back up cause I obviously wasn't clear: I DONT GIVE A FUCK HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT IT! THIS IS NOT MY CHILD. And with that, we hung up and I imagine he went to talk to his "wife" because she just called me 5 minutes ago saying they were going to pick him and his things up this evening. Yes, I thought you might.
Dad just came to get the boy's things and is on his way to collect the boy from the girlfriend's house. He says, "We found a place for him, he's going to stay with his aunt up in Brooklyn."
*blink, blink*
I just........ sighhhhhhhhh.
*drops mic*
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Say what now?
It's 10pm and I'm just starting to see the upside of "sick as shit" after being confined to my bed all weekend, with the midgets playing Benson. I am just about to roll over and holla at this sleep thing when the boy child comes into my room to show me a KIK message on his phone. A kid he used to go to school with says he is back in town and hoping he can come stay at our house, just for the night. I am familiar with the kid - a nice boy, from everything I know - but I still have questions. My son is responding to his messages with my questions but the answers aren't very satisfying, which the boy knows, so he says he is nearby and will come explain.
The boy and his mama moved to Virginia a couple of years ago. He has been back and forth visiting his dad since then but apparently somewhere along the line, dad moved a new girlfriend in who is not keen on having the boy there. Therefore, the boy made some other arrangement to stay with somebody else, but - again apparently - that person's kid came home from the military and no longer has room for the kid. Some other family he normally would try is going camping tomorrow (which to me sounds suspect since this is the last week of school and who plans a camping trip then, but whatever). My understanding is that the boy has some interview tomorrow. He is back for some length of time, if not for good, and his grandmother is going to be his guardian but she lives in some kind of women only place in the city. She's supposed to be working on a place for them to stay in together effective July 15 or 20th or some shit.
He's always seemed to be a nice kid but that's only as far as I'm aware. He's been gone a couple of years now and I have my own children to be worried about. That being said, as uneasy as it makes me to have this child stay with me under these shady ass circumstances, I am more uncomfortable turning him to the streets and having him wandering from place to place, trying to find somewhere safe to stay. I told him he can stay here so he'll at least have some peace of mind tonight, but he and I are going to have to have a chat tomorrow. I am going to need to some phone numbers to some other people I need to have a chat with too. I am having a really difficult time understanding how a mother sends her kid to a whole nother state without making sure he has someplace to stay. I aint talking about anything he may have told you he has set up. We all know kids don't know how to make proper arrangements. I'm talking about getting on the phone with these people and verifying it to be the case. And what kinda sucka ass father turns his son away because his girlfriend don't want him there? I find this all extremely unsettling. I really need to get to the bottom of this. I would feel much better if he were able to go stay with other family but I cant put this boy out in the street. He can stay here, at least for a couple of days while I investigate, and we'll see what happens after that. I swear, if it aint one thing......
Sigh.
The boy and his mama moved to Virginia a couple of years ago. He has been back and forth visiting his dad since then but apparently somewhere along the line, dad moved a new girlfriend in who is not keen on having the boy there. Therefore, the boy made some other arrangement to stay with somebody else, but - again apparently - that person's kid came home from the military and no longer has room for the kid. Some other family he normally would try is going camping tomorrow (which to me sounds suspect since this is the last week of school and who plans a camping trip then, but whatever). My understanding is that the boy has some interview tomorrow. He is back for some length of time, if not for good, and his grandmother is going to be his guardian but she lives in some kind of women only place in the city. She's supposed to be working on a place for them to stay in together effective July 15 or 20th or some shit.
He's always seemed to be a nice kid but that's only as far as I'm aware. He's been gone a couple of years now and I have my own children to be worried about. That being said, as uneasy as it makes me to have this child stay with me under these shady ass circumstances, I am more uncomfortable turning him to the streets and having him wandering from place to place, trying to find somewhere safe to stay. I told him he can stay here so he'll at least have some peace of mind tonight, but he and I are going to have to have a chat tomorrow. I am going to need to some phone numbers to some other people I need to have a chat with too. I am having a really difficult time understanding how a mother sends her kid to a whole nother state without making sure he has someplace to stay. I aint talking about anything he may have told you he has set up. We all know kids don't know how to make proper arrangements. I'm talking about getting on the phone with these people and verifying it to be the case. And what kinda sucka ass father turns his son away because his girlfriend don't want him there? I find this all extremely unsettling. I really need to get to the bottom of this. I would feel much better if he were able to go stay with other family but I cant put this boy out in the street. He can stay here, at least for a couple of days while I investigate, and we'll see what happens after that. I swear, if it aint one thing......
Sigh.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Celebrating Life
Ruby Dee was amazing to me. She was a cornerstone of black entertainment and activism as well as one of few women I've witnessed in my life become more and more beautiful as she aged. At 91, she left us last week, off to be with the love of her life, Ossie Davis, whom she was married to for over 50 years. 50 years! I must say that this death is not one that spawned a spirit of sadness for me. My first thought? I'm so happy she and Ossie are finally together again. So rest well, Ruby. Tell Ossie we said hello.
I'd also like to wish a very happy Father's Day to the fathers out there, particularly the one riding shotgun with me. We have our moments - oh believe me, we have our moments LOL - but when its all said and done, he's always got my back and I've always got his. Despite all we've been through, both collectively and individually, we never lose sight of our objective, which is to be the best co-parents possible for the midgets and in that regard, we work very well together. So today I shout him out in hopes that he'll know how much I appreciate him as my parental copilot. Cheers to you, Sir, and enjoy your day.
In other news, Im writing again. Where's the parade? #IJS
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Another Legend Gone
R.I.P. to Maya Angelou. I am hella late but yo, I have been EXHAUSTED all week. Today was the first day I woke up feeling somewhat energetic and its probably because I went back on my vitamins and was in bed by 10:30. But anyway, I don't have to tell yall how significant a being Maya Angelou was. There are many people whose names you know alongside their work, but much like Nelson Mandela, there wasn't a person in the world who didn't know her name BECAUSE of her life's work. She was a true pioneer and activist and the blueprint to how one leaves a legacy. I'm not even gonna remind yall that I called it; I said it was either gonna be her or Bill Cosby next. Oh wait.... I just reminded yall, didn't I? LOL.... ah well. It is what it is.
Rest in peace to the phenomenal woman herself.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Friday Follies
Its been 3 days since I went on that date that I got home so late from and I have not been able to re up on that rest YET. Im so damn tired, I have no idea why the hell Im in here but since I am, I might as well tell yall about my day LOL.
I had the funniest moment on the train this morning. You know how Latinos have a habit of speaking Spanglish - incorporating English phrases in the middle of a Spanish sentence? I thought they were the only people who did that until I found myself sitting next to some Israeli chick who was talking to her friend sitting across from us. I was listening to my Pandora so I thought I was hearing things at first but in the short pause between one song ending and another beginning, I heard it loud and clear: "something, something, something - locked the car with the keys inside - something, something, something" .... I was like what? LOL I was just confused at first until I looked over at another woman who musta heard the same shit I did. She looked up from her kindle and the look on her face was priceless, I couldn't even hold the laughter LOL. Im giggling all over again just thinking about it and Im too tired to be laughing, this is some bullshit LOL.
Then there was the re-re in the line at McDonalds acting like she never been there before. Lady, Im just tryna get some coffee. If you don't pull recall in 3-2-1, we gonna have a problem. Luckily, another register freed up before I found myself in a moment. Got to work just in time for the office gossip about a girl I like slapping a girl I don't like; all better LOL.
A few of us did a group lunch at a crowd fave and I had 3 (count em, THREE) glasses of wine at said lunch. Needless to say there was zero work getting done for the rest of the afternoon. But who am I kidding? I aint really do shit all day, and neither did anybody else so whatever. Looking at our team board, I was in the best position of everybody so I was the last person to give a shit.
I was supposed to meet a few of my coworkers at this place near Union Square for someone's wife's going away party (she was leaving her job) but I had another engagement first. Not sure if I mentioned it but I ran into a guy I went to high school with a couple weeks ago and we had planned to meet for a drink and catch up. Well.... that drink turned into 5 and suffice it to say I never made it to the little shindig. It wasn't even a date but he paid the whole $80-something bill. I was like word? LOL Upside: I had a great time. Downside: I had a great time. It was the worst possible idea in the history of bad fucken ideas. He looks a LOT like Shawn Wayans and is about as perfect in every other way I would want a man to be and he's married. Had the nerve to smell good and gonna tell me any time I wanna meet up for drinks, just hit him up. Fucker. I fucken hate his ass LOL. Im hating LIFE at the moment LOL. The universe is a cruel, cruel place.
And Im going to bed now. Mad LMAO!
I had the funniest moment on the train this morning. You know how Latinos have a habit of speaking Spanglish - incorporating English phrases in the middle of a Spanish sentence? I thought they were the only people who did that until I found myself sitting next to some Israeli chick who was talking to her friend sitting across from us. I was listening to my Pandora so I thought I was hearing things at first but in the short pause between one song ending and another beginning, I heard it loud and clear: "something, something, something - locked the car with the keys inside - something, something, something" .... I was like what? LOL I was just confused at first until I looked over at another woman who musta heard the same shit I did. She looked up from her kindle and the look on her face was priceless, I couldn't even hold the laughter LOL. Im giggling all over again just thinking about it and Im too tired to be laughing, this is some bullshit LOL.
Then there was the re-re in the line at McDonalds acting like she never been there before. Lady, Im just tryna get some coffee. If you don't pull recall in 3-2-1, we gonna have a problem. Luckily, another register freed up before I found myself in a moment. Got to work just in time for the office gossip about a girl I like slapping a girl I don't like; all better LOL.
A few of us did a group lunch at a crowd fave and I had 3 (count em, THREE) glasses of wine at said lunch. Needless to say there was zero work getting done for the rest of the afternoon. But who am I kidding? I aint really do shit all day, and neither did anybody else so whatever. Looking at our team board, I was in the best position of everybody so I was the last person to give a shit.
I was supposed to meet a few of my coworkers at this place near Union Square for someone's wife's going away party (she was leaving her job) but I had another engagement first. Not sure if I mentioned it but I ran into a guy I went to high school with a couple weeks ago and we had planned to meet for a drink and catch up. Well.... that drink turned into 5 and suffice it to say I never made it to the little shindig. It wasn't even a date but he paid the whole $80-something bill. I was like word? LOL Upside: I had a great time. Downside: I had a great time. It was the worst possible idea in the history of bad fucken ideas. He looks a LOT like Shawn Wayans and is about as perfect in every other way I would want a man to be and he's married. Had the nerve to smell good and gonna tell me any time I wanna meet up for drinks, just hit him up. Fucker. I fucken hate his ass LOL. Im hating LIFE at the moment LOL. The universe is a cruel, cruel place.
And Im going to bed now. Mad LMAO!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
#hung
I need to hang a sign on my bedroom wall that reminds me not to drink and shrink LOL. Drinking while catching up with a friend is pretty customary however couch convos tend to be heavily one-sided, with one person giving the other the details of their situation. Me being the other in that example, I have a bad habit of losing count of my sips while I'm just sitting there listening and that usually leads to mornings like this one. Talk about a hangover...... SHEESH!
I cannot WAIT to get home and go back to sleep LOL
I cannot WAIT to get home and go back to sleep LOL
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Just a Little Update
#truestory
Since the weekend, I've made a conscious effort and I am starting to feel the ground under my feet again. Even went on another first date yesterday and put my best foot forward. Definitely paid off - he was gazing into my eyes all night LOL - which did a lot for my slightly bruised ego. If its worth doing, its worth doing well. I am a firm believer of that, so I really dont know why I thought it was okay to just be Basica Boddie for the last month. At any rate, she's having a seat backstage while I resume my place on the life stage.
Im not out of the woods yet but I am feeling a lot different than I was just a few days ago. Sometimes all it takes is for you to play the part to become the character. When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you do good. Its all interrelated. So lets see what a whole week of actual ironing will get me LOL
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Typing My Way Through
The only reason I will not say I am depressed is because I refuse to claim it. I will not give that shit a home but I do acknowledge that it has decided to come for a visit.
It's odd; I don't feel sad, I just don't give a shit. About anything. Maybe it's just been a rough couple weeks. I'm in a rut that's showing itself in every space of my life and the only way I know to get out of it is to come into the confessional, bare my soul and read the words back to myself as evidence that I'm more than my temporary emotions. I honestly don't even know what the problem is but it started just after Easter. The closest I can bring myself to putting a finger on it is to say that I'm feeling exceptionally ordinary. Not average - ORDINARY - and its been slowly sucking away my motivation to be or do anything I was or did before April 20th. I know it will pass, I just need it to be sooner rather than later.... before regression becomes starting all over again. Lord knows I don't need that shit. "Project Me" was hard enough the first time.
Take dating, for example. I don't even get cute for dates anymore. FIRST dates, mind you. I tell myself its okay because, I mean, he's supposed to like you for you anyway, right? You can show him how nice you clean up next time, assuming he makes the first date cut. [Insert side eye here] Bitch, what? If HE makes the cut? YOUR ass might not make the cut! He done ironed and got a fresh cut and I'm acting like he's just lucky I even came and shit LOL...SMH. This is me, knowing I'm self-sabotaging going in - but I still do it. Why? See above: I just don't give a shit. The fact that I can laugh about it is promising but it doesn't allow me to go back and remake that first impression. Moot point in most cases, but yesterday I went out with a guy that made me regret my decision to not take things seriously. I started to think better of it and reschedule but I waited too long and got that "Be there in 15 minutes" text, to which I simply replied, "Cool." For the first time in quite the while, I found myself sitting across the table from somebody absolutely PERFECT for me, having a really good time, thoroughly enjoying the conversation and I hadn't really done my hair, touched up my work face OR worn my "good booty" jeans. But we had a good time, right? He said so. Then he said I was cool. Cool. THIS shit again. MAJOR #FAIL.
I don't expect to just wake up tomorrow feeling totally better but depression and I are slowly but surely wrapping up. I finally got up and cleaned my room (chile, I done swept and errthang!) and it feels so nice in here now, I've just been laying across my bed for the last couple hours, listening to channel to 843 and staring around the room at nothing in particular. The thoughts began to flow much like my 4am moments with the Lord. They weren't at all clear, but I still understood. It looks a little like this....
I am not insecure, but I am feeling that way.
I am not fat, but I am feeling that way.
I am not unworthy, but I am feeling that way.
I am not undesirable, but I am feeling that way.
I am not self-destructive, but I am feeling that way.
I am not a failure, but I am feeling that way.
I am not depressed, but I am feeling that way.
And I wont begin to feel better until I start wanting to.
So I guess it's time to switch off the auto-pilot and stop acting like some basic bitch. It's cowardly and unattractive on EVERYBODY. I am no exception.
And I'm NOT fucken ordinary.
It's odd; I don't feel sad, I just don't give a shit. About anything. Maybe it's just been a rough couple weeks. I'm in a rut that's showing itself in every space of my life and the only way I know to get out of it is to come into the confessional, bare my soul and read the words back to myself as evidence that I'm more than my temporary emotions. I honestly don't even know what the problem is but it started just after Easter. The closest I can bring myself to putting a finger on it is to say that I'm feeling exceptionally ordinary. Not average - ORDINARY - and its been slowly sucking away my motivation to be or do anything I was or did before April 20th. I know it will pass, I just need it to be sooner rather than later.... before regression becomes starting all over again. Lord knows I don't need that shit. "Project Me" was hard enough the first time.
Take dating, for example. I don't even get cute for dates anymore. FIRST dates, mind you. I tell myself its okay because, I mean, he's supposed to like you for you anyway, right? You can show him how nice you clean up next time, assuming he makes the first date cut. [Insert side eye here] Bitch, what? If HE makes the cut? YOUR ass might not make the cut! He done ironed and got a fresh cut and I'm acting like he's just lucky I even came and shit LOL...SMH. This is me, knowing I'm self-sabotaging going in - but I still do it. Why? See above: I just don't give a shit. The fact that I can laugh about it is promising but it doesn't allow me to go back and remake that first impression. Moot point in most cases, but yesterday I went out with a guy that made me regret my decision to not take things seriously. I started to think better of it and reschedule but I waited too long and got that "Be there in 15 minutes" text, to which I simply replied, "Cool." For the first time in quite the while, I found myself sitting across the table from somebody absolutely PERFECT for me, having a really good time, thoroughly enjoying the conversation and I hadn't really done my hair, touched up my work face OR worn my "good booty" jeans. But we had a good time, right? He said so. Then he said I was cool. Cool. THIS shit again. MAJOR #FAIL.
I don't expect to just wake up tomorrow feeling totally better but depression and I are slowly but surely wrapping up. I finally got up and cleaned my room (chile, I done swept and errthang!) and it feels so nice in here now, I've just been laying across my bed for the last couple hours, listening to channel to 843 and staring around the room at nothing in particular. The thoughts began to flow much like my 4am moments with the Lord. They weren't at all clear, but I still understood. It looks a little like this....
I am not insecure, but I am feeling that way.
I am not fat, but I am feeling that way.
I am not unworthy, but I am feeling that way.
I am not undesirable, but I am feeling that way.
I am not self-destructive, but I am feeling that way.
I am not a failure, but I am feeling that way.
I am not depressed, but I am feeling that way.
And I wont begin to feel better until I start wanting to.
So I guess it's time to switch off the auto-pilot and stop acting like some basic bitch. It's cowardly and unattractive on EVERYBODY. I am no exception.
And I'm NOT fucken ordinary.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Your Move
Good morning.
Today's plan includes brunch with the midgets followed by a matinee of The Amazing Spiderman 2 but as with most Sundays, my morning began with a new episode of Your Move with Andy Stanley. Now for those of you not familiar with this series, Andy Stanley is a new age pastor who relays spiritual teaching without preaching. His message is delivered in more of a seminar fashion than a sermon and he talks to you as if you've never been in church before, which is great because he acknowledges everyone in the viewing audience, whether you are a Christian or not. He does reference the bible, of course, but its an "ordinary people" type of teaching, almost like a therapy session, honestly. Maybe that's why I like him LOL.
Andy's messages are often in 3-part series', most likely because he's only got a 30-minute platform. I missed Part 1 of "You'll Be Glad You Did" but I'll be watching it online momentarily. Part 2 was really funny, but more importantly, fed me just what I needed this morning. I had been doing pretty well in my most recent efforts to get my life but admittedly, I've fallen off over the last couple of weeks in some aspects - one in particular that I'm really peeved about - but I think I've gotten a proper kick in the ass this morning LOL.
If you have a hard time getting your butt in a pew on Sunday, or you shy away from organized services over whatever hang-ups you might have about it, at least do yourself the courtesy of giving this guy a shot. He comes on the UP network at 8 and 8:30. The 8:30 show is usually the new episode and the earlier one is a re-air of the previous one. There might actually be one at 7:30 also, but I'm not sure. You can also watch the videos on the Your Move Facebook page or at their website: www.yourmove.is.
You're welcome.
Today's plan includes brunch with the midgets followed by a matinee of The Amazing Spiderman 2 but as with most Sundays, my morning began with a new episode of Your Move with Andy Stanley. Now for those of you not familiar with this series, Andy Stanley is a new age pastor who relays spiritual teaching without preaching. His message is delivered in more of a seminar fashion than a sermon and he talks to you as if you've never been in church before, which is great because he acknowledges everyone in the viewing audience, whether you are a Christian or not. He does reference the bible, of course, but its an "ordinary people" type of teaching, almost like a therapy session, honestly. Maybe that's why I like him LOL.
Andy's messages are often in 3-part series', most likely because he's only got a 30-minute platform. I missed Part 1 of "You'll Be Glad You Did" but I'll be watching it online momentarily. Part 2 was really funny, but more importantly, fed me just what I needed this morning. I had been doing pretty well in my most recent efforts to get my life but admittedly, I've fallen off over the last couple of weeks in some aspects - one in particular that I'm really peeved about - but I think I've gotten a proper kick in the ass this morning LOL.
If you have a hard time getting your butt in a pew on Sunday, or you shy away from organized services over whatever hang-ups you might have about it, at least do yourself the courtesy of giving this guy a shot. He comes on the UP network at 8 and 8:30. The 8:30 show is usually the new episode and the earlier one is a re-air of the previous one. There might actually be one at 7:30 also, but I'm not sure. You can also watch the videos on the Your Move Facebook page or at their website: www.yourmove.is.
You're welcome.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
16 Signs It’s Time To Leave A Place You Once Loved | Thought Catalog
16 Signs It’s Time To Leave A Place You Once Loved | Thought Catalog
This is coming up more and more every day. I was just having this conversation (for the umpteenth time) with my mother yesterday, a guy I recently met over the weekend and also with one of my girlfriends just last week. People, listen. You are not getting any younger or growing any less miserable sitting in your rut waiting for better. "Better" doesn't generally make house calls. YOU have to go to IT. Don't know where "better" is? Okay. Go FIND it. Maybe you don't know WHAT "better" is - that's okay too. You know why? Because you can CREATE it. "Better" can be whatever, wherever and most importantly WHENEVER you want it to be so why not be, have, get and do better NOW? What's gonna change in a year of sitting around waiting for some great thing to occur that didn't change in the last year of sitting around waiting for it? Well.... other than another year of your life going by that you'll never get back, not a damn thing. One thing I can guarantee is that you WILL look back one of these days and say to yourself, "Damn. I wasted so much time," and you'll wish you had done any one of a million things so much sooner.
I don't like to speak about my transition from there to here because I cant seem to do it without becoming super emotional but that's just how big an impact that move had on my life. Good, bad or indifferent I NEEDED to go. I couldn't breathe. And now, even in my moments of struggle and difficulty, no matter what other decisions of mine I may question, the one thing I never second-guess is that decision to move. That place was changing me into something I didn't recognize and again, more importantly, something I didn't like. I was starting to hate myself and all my shenanigans and the only thing I was sure about was that there were going to be more. A lot more. It takes me back to the conversation I had with my mother about why she attempted to uproot us to Florida at the worst possible time in my life for her to do it. She felt like she was losing herself and she didn't have the strength anymore to fight it. I was at that point. When you get there, what is there to question? You need change to SAVE YOUR LIFE. And if you have kids... WHAT? #comeonson
All that to say this: know when it's time. If you don't recognize when one chapter of your life has closed, your story can go unwritten for much longer than you can afford. When people say life is short, its just to motivate you to get up and do some shit (that you probably ought to do) sooner than your complacency would manage. Truth is life is LONG and you can spend those years moving closer to happy or you can be miserable for no damn reason. What do you choose?
This is coming up more and more every day. I was just having this conversation (for the umpteenth time) with my mother yesterday, a guy I recently met over the weekend and also with one of my girlfriends just last week. People, listen. You are not getting any younger or growing any less miserable sitting in your rut waiting for better. "Better" doesn't generally make house calls. YOU have to go to IT. Don't know where "better" is? Okay. Go FIND it. Maybe you don't know WHAT "better" is - that's okay too. You know why? Because you can CREATE it. "Better" can be whatever, wherever and most importantly WHENEVER you want it to be so why not be, have, get and do better NOW? What's gonna change in a year of sitting around waiting for some great thing to occur that didn't change in the last year of sitting around waiting for it? Well.... other than another year of your life going by that you'll never get back, not a damn thing. One thing I can guarantee is that you WILL look back one of these days and say to yourself, "Damn. I wasted so much time," and you'll wish you had done any one of a million things so much sooner.
I don't like to speak about my transition from there to here because I cant seem to do it without becoming super emotional but that's just how big an impact that move had on my life. Good, bad or indifferent I NEEDED to go. I couldn't breathe. And now, even in my moments of struggle and difficulty, no matter what other decisions of mine I may question, the one thing I never second-guess is that decision to move. That place was changing me into something I didn't recognize and again, more importantly, something I didn't like. I was starting to hate myself and all my shenanigans and the only thing I was sure about was that there were going to be more. A lot more. It takes me back to the conversation I had with my mother about why she attempted to uproot us to Florida at the worst possible time in my life for her to do it. She felt like she was losing herself and she didn't have the strength anymore to fight it. I was at that point. When you get there, what is there to question? You need change to SAVE YOUR LIFE. And if you have kids... WHAT? #comeonson
All that to say this: know when it's time. If you don't recognize when one chapter of your life has closed, your story can go unwritten for much longer than you can afford. When people say life is short, its just to motivate you to get up and do some shit (that you probably ought to do) sooner than your complacency would manage. Truth is life is LONG and you can spend those years moving closer to happy or you can be miserable for no damn reason. What do you choose?
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Expired Chicken
This is why I love my kids LOL
So I take the chicken thighs out of the fridge, open them and start to rinse and clean them in the kitchen sink. I get to thinking, damn.... this chicken might be borderline bad. It doesn't smell super rank or anything but it feels a little slimier than Im used to. Might just be a fatty, slimy pack, I mean some are better than others. I double check the expiration date just for shits and giggles and yeah, its expired, but the chicken had been in the freezer up until about 4 or 5 days ago. It took at least 2 days to thaw out in the fridge so...... we should be..... good? Dammit, this is the last pack of chicken, we aint throwing this shit away! LOL I throw it in a bowl, season it within an inch of its life and throw it back in the fridge.
But then my conscience kicks in. What if its bad though? Yes, it is the last of the chicken, but is it worth the risk of getting sick? Maybe LOL. I go to Googling. "Best way to cook possibly expired chicken" LOL Yeah, I know, but WTF was I supposed to search? LOL Essentially the net left me with "cook the hell out of it and pray for the best" so I call a family meeting. It was sheer comedy explaining to the midgets that the chicken MIGHT not be so fresh and that I had a concern about cooking it. My daughter had a horrified expression on her face which I only wish I had taken a picture of but my son was like nigga, we aight, you better cook that chicken LOL So against my better judgment, I said fuck it. We aint got it like that to be throwing shit away. And its a FAMILY pack at that! LOL My daughter comes in the room about an hour later saying, "Mom.... I just want to let you know that that expired chicken you're cooking smells FANTASTIC!" LMAOOOO!
#raiseemright
So I take the chicken thighs out of the fridge, open them and start to rinse and clean them in the kitchen sink. I get to thinking, damn.... this chicken might be borderline bad. It doesn't smell super rank or anything but it feels a little slimier than Im used to. Might just be a fatty, slimy pack, I mean some are better than others. I double check the expiration date just for shits and giggles and yeah, its expired, but the chicken had been in the freezer up until about 4 or 5 days ago. It took at least 2 days to thaw out in the fridge so...... we should be..... good? Dammit, this is the last pack of chicken, we aint throwing this shit away! LOL I throw it in a bowl, season it within an inch of its life and throw it back in the fridge.
But then my conscience kicks in. What if its bad though? Yes, it is the last of the chicken, but is it worth the risk of getting sick? Maybe LOL. I go to Googling. "Best way to cook possibly expired chicken" LOL Yeah, I know, but WTF was I supposed to search? LOL Essentially the net left me with "cook the hell out of it and pray for the best" so I call a family meeting. It was sheer comedy explaining to the midgets that the chicken MIGHT not be so fresh and that I had a concern about cooking it. My daughter had a horrified expression on her face which I only wish I had taken a picture of but my son was like nigga, we aight, you better cook that chicken LOL So against my better judgment, I said fuck it. We aint got it like that to be throwing shit away. And its a FAMILY pack at that! LOL My daughter comes in the room about an hour later saying, "Mom.... I just want to let you know that that expired chicken you're cooking smells FANTASTIC!" LMAOOOO!
#raiseemright
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Lucky Me
I hate these periods when I feel like the Lord is telling me to wait to do something I so badly want to do, not just now, but RIGHT now. I want to leave this job so damn bad, I actually sit and day dream about different ways to quit LOL. But the interviews I've gone on haven't worked out - for lack of a fit on either my part or theirs - and I have to admit I've been fucken KILLING the game the last couple months at work. I've been slaying so much that the bitch we all hate pulled me to the side last Thursday and told me she appreciated me and I should leave a little early to start enjoying my long weekend. She aint have to tell me twice.
And I woke up at 4am today with Jay-Z on the brain HARD. I don't know what that means cause my 4am with Jesus usually doesn't come with a soundtrack but "Lucky Me" was playing over and over in my head. Those of you who are familiar with the song will recognize the hook: "You only know what you see. You don't understand what it takes to be me." Those of you who aren't should be in mid-google right about now, getting your life. Aside from it being [arguably] my favorite Jay-Z song ever, it resonates so much in my life right now, its almost not weird that it seeped into my Jesus time. In different ways, of course, but......... let's just say that a series of conversations I've had with people over the last couple of weeks made it very clear to me - people think shit is sweet. They have NO idea..... but you know what? They shouldn't. So Ima leave that right there.
Things are not 100% the way I want them to be but they are slowly but surely evolving into.... something. A lot of it I like. I don't really know what the finished product will look like but I definitely feel change afoot and I welcome it. Too soon to go into detail about most of it but...... I am finding that as long as I remain open, I can still be surprised.
I like surprises.
And I woke up at 4am today with Jay-Z on the brain HARD. I don't know what that means cause my 4am with Jesus usually doesn't come with a soundtrack but "Lucky Me" was playing over and over in my head. Those of you who are familiar with the song will recognize the hook: "You only know what you see. You don't understand what it takes to be me." Those of you who aren't should be in mid-google right about now, getting your life. Aside from it being [arguably] my favorite Jay-Z song ever, it resonates so much in my life right now, its almost not weird that it seeped into my Jesus time. In different ways, of course, but......... let's just say that a series of conversations I've had with people over the last couple of weeks made it very clear to me - people think shit is sweet. They have NO idea..... but you know what? They shouldn't. So Ima leave that right there.
Things are not 100% the way I want them to be but they are slowly but surely evolving into.... something. A lot of it I like. I don't really know what the finished product will look like but I definitely feel change afoot and I welcome it. Too soon to go into detail about most of it but...... I am finding that as long as I remain open, I can still be surprised.
I like surprises.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
I Aint Nobody's Jesus
I aint nobody’s Jesus
But I’ve died a thousand and one deaths to let some other live
Thrown myself on my own sword to give
Some other an opportunity they never take
To grow… Learn… Love
The way God intended
Or at least the God in me, but I mean
I aint nobody’s Jesus
Still I never leave home without a pocket full of nails
Just in case there’s some sacrifice to be made along the way
On any given day, I tell you….
I am likely to propel myself clean off the top of mount anywhere
Just to spare some soul the devil’s already changed a 20 for
Like I’m somebody’s Jesus
But here I am, once again,
Taking a loss up on this cross… Well…. cross-ROADS anyway
Just so I can keep the fantasy and you’ll be able to say
That there is still some love in your life that you haven’t tainted
Still someplace where you’re appreciated……. For once, not hated
Understanding finds its way in the silence and suddenly I want that for you too
I aint your Jesus, but I’ll do it……… for you.
One thousand and TWO.
But I’ve died a thousand and one deaths to let some other live
Thrown myself on my own sword to give
Some other an opportunity they never take
To grow… Learn… Love
The way God intended
Or at least the God in me, but I mean
I aint nobody’s Jesus
Still I never leave home without a pocket full of nails
Just in case there’s some sacrifice to be made along the way
On any given day, I tell you….
I am likely to propel myself clean off the top of mount anywhere
Just to spare some soul the devil’s already changed a 20 for
Like I’m somebody’s Jesus
But here I am, once again,
Taking a loss up on this cross… Well…. cross-ROADS anyway
Just so I can keep the fantasy and you’ll be able to say
That there is still some love in your life that you haven’t tainted
Still someplace where you’re appreciated……. For once, not hated
Understanding finds its way in the silence and suddenly I want that for you too
I aint your Jesus, but I’ll do it……… for you.
One thousand and TWO.
Monday, March 24, 2014
*Crickets*
Yeah so...... nothing went down today. Nobody said anything at all to me about the employment verification call last week. I wasn't sure if it was because our big boss is in town and the bitch we report to in the office knows the admin shouldn't have divulged that information or if it was just a really bad game of telephone and the information was grossly misrelayed as it traveled through the grapevine...... but nobody said anything. My immediate supervisor must have completely forgotten because she definitely would have asked me about it had she remembered. She's just nosy like that. I still have no idea who it was that called either. The company I am hoping for an offer from claims to not have made the call and the head hunter I had been working with said he only called the previous employers I provided as references and okayed him to call. Im not gonna put too much more energy into figuring it out. Im just gonna hope it continues to get swept under the rug. That being said, just because no one has mentioned it yet, doesn't mean they aren't going to. I am not quite ready to let my guard down.
One more thing I wanna get off my chest tonight - I absolutely cannot stand people who use other people's suffering as a platform for their own agendas. Sometimes you should just say "please offer them my condolences" and carry your ass on to bed. All this wanting this person or that person to call you at work tomorrow with info on the wake when you hardly knew the person who passed is doing too much. Okay, you wanna pay your respects and show your support for the ONE FRIGGIN PERSON in the family you did have a little bit of rapport with..... take your ass by the house with a card or something. You don't need to be showing up at the wake just to be damn seen and its always the people that's super needy in that regard (just NEED to be seen doing some shit) that violate the most. MOST of this family don't even fuck with you. Like literally DO NOT FUCK WITH YOU. On top of that, they are mourning the loss of one of the most beloved members of an entire family of beloved members and you think somebody gonna make it their business to call YOU bout some services that I promise you they wont even understand why you're trying to go to? WTF is wrong with you? 1-800-Flowers and sit your ass down somewhere.....
UGH!
One more thing I wanna get off my chest tonight - I absolutely cannot stand people who use other people's suffering as a platform for their own agendas. Sometimes you should just say "please offer them my condolences" and carry your ass on to bed. All this wanting this person or that person to call you at work tomorrow with info on the wake when you hardly knew the person who passed is doing too much. Okay, you wanna pay your respects and show your support for the ONE FRIGGIN PERSON in the family you did have a little bit of rapport with..... take your ass by the house with a card or something. You don't need to be showing up at the wake just to be damn seen and its always the people that's super needy in that regard (just NEED to be seen doing some shit) that violate the most. MOST of this family don't even fuck with you. Like literally DO NOT FUCK WITH YOU. On top of that, they are mourning the loss of one of the most beloved members of an entire family of beloved members and you think somebody gonna make it their business to call YOU bout some services that I promise you they wont even understand why you're trying to go to? WTF is wrong with you? 1-800-Flowers and sit your ass down somewhere.....
UGH!
Friday, March 21, 2014
The Bullshit
So Im off today.
Somewhere around lunchtime I get a text from a teammate of mine giving me the heads up that a company I interviewed with called for an employment verification and our admin told the bitch we report to about it. The bitch we report to then told my manager who in turn asked my teammate if she was aware I was looking AND whether she herself was looking. "I would expect her to pull you to the side on Monday" was what I got.
This is the stupid part - a couple days ago a call came to MY desk regarding employment verification for someone. I didn't think much of it because this wasn't the first time a front desk call found its way to my desk for some odd reason. One of my other coworkers had recently put in her notice so I assumed the verification was for her or some other employee I wasn't aware was leaving. I mean it couldn't possibly be for me, right? I hadn't been given an offer so there was no reason anyone would be calling on my behalf. Ohhhhh but they were.
On the advice of my HR homie, I emailed the recruiter I have been working through for the opportunity at this particular company I have been waiting for a decision from. She had no idea what was going on, stating that any call for employment verification should have come from her [third party recruiting] company not the hiring company itself.
Ok then we both getting fucked over.
So now I gotta go in on Monday (Im off today) and deal with the barrage of questions behind this total mishandling of process. Not only do I have to deal with this bs but I have to do it during a week when my the big bosses are gonna be in town. The good news is that Im killing it at work so any potential decision for them to want to let me go wont be easily come to, but if you know anything about my company, you know they don't do the shit you expect or that makes sense. I could be walking into ANYTHING. I just wanna go on record as saying that I am not about to be that chick....... UNLESS they get on the bullshit LOL. Im telling you now, let em try it. Im turning up!
Somewhere around lunchtime I get a text from a teammate of mine giving me the heads up that a company I interviewed with called for an employment verification and our admin told the bitch we report to about it. The bitch we report to then told my manager who in turn asked my teammate if she was aware I was looking AND whether she herself was looking. "I would expect her to pull you to the side on Monday" was what I got.
This is the stupid part - a couple days ago a call came to MY desk regarding employment verification for someone. I didn't think much of it because this wasn't the first time a front desk call found its way to my desk for some odd reason. One of my other coworkers had recently put in her notice so I assumed the verification was for her or some other employee I wasn't aware was leaving. I mean it couldn't possibly be for me, right? I hadn't been given an offer so there was no reason anyone would be calling on my behalf. Ohhhhh but they were.
On the advice of my HR homie, I emailed the recruiter I have been working through for the opportunity at this particular company I have been waiting for a decision from. She had no idea what was going on, stating that any call for employment verification should have come from her [third party recruiting] company not the hiring company itself.
Ok then we both getting fucked over.
So now I gotta go in on Monday (Im off today) and deal with the barrage of questions behind this total mishandling of process. Not only do I have to deal with this bs but I have to do it during a week when my the big bosses are gonna be in town. The good news is that Im killing it at work so any potential decision for them to want to let me go wont be easily come to, but if you know anything about my company, you know they don't do the shit you expect or that makes sense. I could be walking into ANYTHING. I just wanna go on record as saying that I am not about to be that chick....... UNLESS they get on the bullshit LOL. Im telling you now, let em try it. Im turning up!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Aunt Rea
Having to tell a child that one of their favorite family members has gone to be with Jesus is one of the hardest things any parent will ever have to do. Today my kids lost the aunt we all had; the one that spoiled us and gave us any and everything we ever asked for and made no apologies to our parents because she didn't have kids of her own..... the aunt that we could count on to slide us a couple dollars whenever we came to visit and always had candy stashed away in some corner of her bedroom. That was Aunt Rea and my kids will miss her dearly - my daughter especially. It's been relatively quiet in here since I broke the news, but I know the silence is riddled with memories of pitty pat, online shopping and weekly trips to the casino.
She loved that casino, boy.
Rest in peace, Aunt Rea.
She loved that casino, boy.
Rest in peace, Aunt Rea.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
#FFT
I dont support every statement this man makes but I do happen to agree with his take on the things directly related to the relationships between our women and our men. If nothing else, its food for thought and you know Im a fan of anything that makes you think.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Violation
I remember a few years back when a slew of well-renown actors were bitching and moaning about people from other areas of entertainment deciding to try their hands at acting. When Ludacris started doing a buncha movies, Samuel L. Jackson had a FIT and I remember thinking WTF is the big deal? These are not roles you would have even entertained; he isn't taking food off your table. Why do you care if he wants to expand his horizons and take a shot in your industry? How well or bad he fares has no bearing on you or make you any less of a monster at what you do. What is the fucken problem? I really did not understand..... until now.
Luda is probably not the best example because I feel like he has pretty decent chops to not have formally studied, but Samuel L. Jackson and others like him spent years, if not their whole lives, honing their crafts. Others still, who may not have had to work as long or hard, carry their art in their very bones. You can’t blame them for taking exception to someone “infiltrating” the game and not appearing to take it seriously. It’s the reason for all the mad rappers and the seemingly petty runway beefs all these bloggers stay writing about. You heard Erykah Badu; true artists really are sensitive about their shit.
That being said, I’m struggling today. I’m struggling with hurt feelings and disrespect and all-around piss poor execution of a book that was no more helpful to anybody than it was entertaining. In my opinion, it failed miserably on both counts and the fact that the author used and took credit for ideas of MINE – words that have come from this very blog and private conversations between her and I – unfortunately overshadows the courage and personal growth this project was purposed for. I feel violated, both personally and as an artist. Some things should just be…… I don’t know….. spoken about in high school assemblies across the nation and not half-assed into a literary work.
And that’s all Im gonna say about it.
Luda is probably not the best example because I feel like he has pretty decent chops to not have formally studied, but Samuel L. Jackson and others like him spent years, if not their whole lives, honing their crafts. Others still, who may not have had to work as long or hard, carry their art in their very bones. You can’t blame them for taking exception to someone “infiltrating” the game and not appearing to take it seriously. It’s the reason for all the mad rappers and the seemingly petty runway beefs all these bloggers stay writing about. You heard Erykah Badu; true artists really are sensitive about their shit.
That being said, I’m struggling today. I’m struggling with hurt feelings and disrespect and all-around piss poor execution of a book that was no more helpful to anybody than it was entertaining. In my opinion, it failed miserably on both counts and the fact that the author used and took credit for ideas of MINE – words that have come from this very blog and private conversations between her and I – unfortunately overshadows the courage and personal growth this project was purposed for. I feel violated, both personally and as an artist. Some things should just be…… I don’t know….. spoken about in high school assemblies across the nation and not half-assed into a literary work.
And that’s all Im gonna say about it.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Happy Sunday!
Happy Sunday, people. What's going on in my universe today?
Well, I'm 5 days into my meat fast for Lent. You'd think that wasn't saying much since I only eat poultry anyway, but it's been a lot tougher than I expected. I never feel like I really eat a lot of meat but over the last couple of days, I've come to realize that I kinda sneak my meat in. I have it in the form of spicy chicken sausages, turkey bacon-wrapped dates and other subtle shit like that that I really don't think about when I think "meat". I also take for granted since most places tend to have fish at the time that I order it that they ALWAYS have it. At lunch with my coworkers on Friday I almost had to make do with beer nuts LOL. Of all the days to not be having fish, a Friday? SMH. Luckily I stumbled across a veggie burger on the menu, which actually happened to be quite amazing, and all was well. Not gonna lie though - I almost bailed on this endeavor that day, and don't judge me if I eventually do LOL, but I think I really need this test of will right now. CAN I do it? Sure. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything (4 months smoke-free, btw). The real challenge is following through simply because I said I would. If I tell you, her, him, them or anybody else that I'm going to do something, you can bet your rent money its gonna be done. Unfortunately, I don't tend to show the same level of commitment to ME. I break promises to myself all the time and its a habit I really need to break. It creates a subconscious avenue of justification for putting myself second to other people which only tills the soil for insecurity to seed and grow. I'm a few dating updates short of y'all being all caught up, but until I get around to it, suffice it to say that aint nobody got time for that.
I'm also creating the vision board I've been wanting to do since forever and just never prioritized. I didn't think to do this until just now but I may parlay that into a writing project as well. The objective is to add something to the board every day through Easter, so maybe I will post about every item I add. Not sure if or how that will work out but I'll put a strong effort behind it. Let's see how it goes. I mean I do have a little more time on my hands now that I'm not in school. My initial leave of absence ended February 4th and I reported for class for about two weeks before I realized I just had no desire to be there. I mean ZERO interest. Part of it is I didn't love the curriculum. I was taking the Masters in Organizational Development to stack with my Masters in Psychology, thinking jointly they would be the perfect setup for me to go into occupational therapy but those first two classes were an absolute SNOOZEFEST. If they were any indication of what was to come, there was no way I was gonna get through it. So I withdrew from the class and initiated another six-week leave of absence in which to either find a program I am more connected to or come to the decision that one Masters is enough. I'm leaning toward the latter because further introspection leads me to believe that school either has been or was becoming a means of hiding from life and I don't wanna do that anymore either.
Clearly we've got some catching up to do but bear with me; some of the words are still forming. You know how that goes, but the weather is breaking. You know how that goes too. There shall be fuckery afoot LOL. But its okay. I'll embrace it LOL.
Y'all be easy.
Well, I'm 5 days into my meat fast for Lent. You'd think that wasn't saying much since I only eat poultry anyway, but it's been a lot tougher than I expected. I never feel like I really eat a lot of meat but over the last couple of days, I've come to realize that I kinda sneak my meat in. I have it in the form of spicy chicken sausages, turkey bacon-wrapped dates and other subtle shit like that that I really don't think about when I think "meat". I also take for granted since most places tend to have fish at the time that I order it that they ALWAYS have it. At lunch with my coworkers on Friday I almost had to make do with beer nuts LOL. Of all the days to not be having fish, a Friday? SMH. Luckily I stumbled across a veggie burger on the menu, which actually happened to be quite amazing, and all was well. Not gonna lie though - I almost bailed on this endeavor that day, and don't judge me if I eventually do LOL, but I think I really need this test of will right now. CAN I do it? Sure. If I can quit smoking, I can do anything (4 months smoke-free, btw). The real challenge is following through simply because I said I would. If I tell you, her, him, them or anybody else that I'm going to do something, you can bet your rent money its gonna be done. Unfortunately, I don't tend to show the same level of commitment to ME. I break promises to myself all the time and its a habit I really need to break. It creates a subconscious avenue of justification for putting myself second to other people which only tills the soil for insecurity to seed and grow. I'm a few dating updates short of y'all being all caught up, but until I get around to it, suffice it to say that aint nobody got time for that.
I'm also creating the vision board I've been wanting to do since forever and just never prioritized. I didn't think to do this until just now but I may parlay that into a writing project as well. The objective is to add something to the board every day through Easter, so maybe I will post about every item I add. Not sure if or how that will work out but I'll put a strong effort behind it. Let's see how it goes. I mean I do have a little more time on my hands now that I'm not in school. My initial leave of absence ended February 4th and I reported for class for about two weeks before I realized I just had no desire to be there. I mean ZERO interest. Part of it is I didn't love the curriculum. I was taking the Masters in Organizational Development to stack with my Masters in Psychology, thinking jointly they would be the perfect setup for me to go into occupational therapy but those first two classes were an absolute SNOOZEFEST. If they were any indication of what was to come, there was no way I was gonna get through it. So I withdrew from the class and initiated another six-week leave of absence in which to either find a program I am more connected to or come to the decision that one Masters is enough. I'm leaning toward the latter because further introspection leads me to believe that school either has been or was becoming a means of hiding from life and I don't wanna do that anymore either.
Clearly we've got some catching up to do but bear with me; some of the words are still forming. You know how that goes, but the weather is breaking. You know how that goes too. There shall be fuckery afoot LOL. But its okay. I'll embrace it LOL.
Y'all be easy.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
*sniffle*
If I ever win powerball bread, I swear on everything I will spend the rest of my life traveling across country doing this.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Penance
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not.........
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not like him.
I will not.........
Sunday, January 26, 2014
They should never let me out.
Its not a good night until somebody pees LOL.
A friend of mine had a day party at this club in the city for her birthday and I told her I would come. It started at 3 so I went around 5 or so, thinking I would just stay a couple of hours and go back home. By 7, that ship had long since sailed LOL.
I had a chardonnay and then half a jack and cranberry - somebody spilled it and replaced it with my 2nd glass of chardonnay. At the bottom sips of that 2nd glass of chardonnay, one of the girls in our party, who was already so drunk she just wanted everybody to be drunk, started pouring whatever it was she was drinking into my glass.... on TOP of what was left of my chardonnay. Part of me wanted to fuck her up. Another part of me said, "free drink!" LOL Accentuating the positive, I went with the latter. A little later, I joined our hostess at the end of the bar. An okay-looking guy started chatting me up but him really not SAYING anything made me realize just how slow the bar service was. I pulled our hostess down to the middle of the bar where I had gained a little rapport with one of the other bartenders. He took care of us right away. This would be the point in the evening where I had my 3rd glass of chardonnay AND the free shot of patron the bartender wanted me to do with him. If you know me, you know I only do shots at the BEGINNING of the night, if at all. Whenever I do one after I have already been drinking a bit, it doesn't work out LOL. But its free and its the bartender. You don't tell the bartender no. Of course you can and probably should at the end of the night as it was, but... drunk logic aint thinking LOL. So I did the shot and yeah, half of it ran down my neck but I anticipated it and wiped it immediately with a napkin, like the classy lady that I am LOL. Twice more before it was all over, I'd simply walk BY the bar and he'd wave me over, kiss me on the cheek and pour me a shot. So if you're counting that's 3 glasses of chardonnay, half a jack and cranberry, 3 shots of patron and about half a drink worth of whatever the fuck Janice or Janine or whatever her name was poured in my glass. I. WAS. DONE. I just didn't know it yet.
I gave my card out twice - once to a guy who somehow ended up on my lap LOL. I don't even remember how I started talking to the guy but I do remember he was funny as shit and we were having way too much fun for that little 5 minutes we were engaged. When you wake up to a text message that says "Hey, this is Ed, the guy who gave you the best lap dance of your life" its a win LOL
Here's where things get fuzzy. The club was 1 block over and 3 blocks up from the Port Authority. I have absolutely NO memory of that walk LOL. The next frame I see is me walking down the stairs to the bus, getting on and sitting in the first seats. That is also the LAST thing I remember before waking up at Journal Square LOL. Let me explain: Port Authority is the first stop on the route. Journal Square is the last. I fell asleep and rode the whole route LOL I had to get off the bus and get right back on another one going back the other way (which meant paying again) and didn't I fall asleep AGAIN and miss my stop AGAIN? LOL This time I woke up about 8 blocks past home and since there wasn't another bus in sight, I had to walk it. Not horrible except its like 11pm, I'm in heels, the ground is snowy/slushy and its brick outside. Yes, it was fucken horrible LOL. And to make it all worse, about halfway home, now I have to pee and thanks to the life-changing procedure I recently underwent, my "stop my pee" muscles have been compromised. So now I cant hold it, pee is running down my legs and instantly fucken freezing in my jeans LOL.
I have never been so glad to finally get home....... but that aint mean I wanted to talk. My son was sitting on the couch like "Hey Ma, how was the party?" I think I just mumbled something incoherently and walked straight back to my room and closed my door LOL. I came out of my clothes (incidently still in the same heap on the floor I left em in - don't judge me) got in the shower and got in the damn bed. Or at least this is what I think happened - I don't fucken remember anything after my bedroom door closed. I did, however, wake up feeling like somebody had thrown me out of a plane with no chute...... and I landed on a rock LOL. My entire body hurt like hell. It took me about an hour to motivate but I got up, took a hot shower and a vicadin and I haven't left this bed again all day, except to pee - how ironic. Did I mention Im going back to work tomorrow?
Sigh.
And you wonder why I say I should have a camera crew with me at all times. Is this your reality? LOL
SMH.
A friend of mine had a day party at this club in the city for her birthday and I told her I would come. It started at 3 so I went around 5 or so, thinking I would just stay a couple of hours and go back home. By 7, that ship had long since sailed LOL.
I had a chardonnay and then half a jack and cranberry - somebody spilled it and replaced it with my 2nd glass of chardonnay. At the bottom sips of that 2nd glass of chardonnay, one of the girls in our party, who was already so drunk she just wanted everybody to be drunk, started pouring whatever it was she was drinking into my glass.... on TOP of what was left of my chardonnay. Part of me wanted to fuck her up. Another part of me said, "free drink!" LOL Accentuating the positive, I went with the latter. A little later, I joined our hostess at the end of the bar. An okay-looking guy started chatting me up but him really not SAYING anything made me realize just how slow the bar service was. I pulled our hostess down to the middle of the bar where I had gained a little rapport with one of the other bartenders. He took care of us right away. This would be the point in the evening where I had my 3rd glass of chardonnay AND the free shot of patron the bartender wanted me to do with him. If you know me, you know I only do shots at the BEGINNING of the night, if at all. Whenever I do one after I have already been drinking a bit, it doesn't work out LOL. But its free and its the bartender. You don't tell the bartender no. Of course you can and probably should at the end of the night as it was, but... drunk logic aint thinking LOL. So I did the shot and yeah, half of it ran down my neck but I anticipated it and wiped it immediately with a napkin, like the classy lady that I am LOL. Twice more before it was all over, I'd simply walk BY the bar and he'd wave me over, kiss me on the cheek and pour me a shot. So if you're counting that's 3 glasses of chardonnay, half a jack and cranberry, 3 shots of patron and about half a drink worth of whatever the fuck Janice or Janine or whatever her name was poured in my glass. I. WAS. DONE. I just didn't know it yet.
I gave my card out twice - once to a guy who somehow ended up on my lap LOL. I don't even remember how I started talking to the guy but I do remember he was funny as shit and we were having way too much fun for that little 5 minutes we were engaged. When you wake up to a text message that says "Hey, this is Ed, the guy who gave you the best lap dance of your life" its a win LOL
Here's where things get fuzzy. The club was 1 block over and 3 blocks up from the Port Authority. I have absolutely NO memory of that walk LOL. The next frame I see is me walking down the stairs to the bus, getting on and sitting in the first seats. That is also the LAST thing I remember before waking up at Journal Square LOL. Let me explain: Port Authority is the first stop on the route. Journal Square is the last. I fell asleep and rode the whole route LOL I had to get off the bus and get right back on another one going back the other way (which meant paying again) and didn't I fall asleep AGAIN and miss my stop AGAIN? LOL This time I woke up about 8 blocks past home and since there wasn't another bus in sight, I had to walk it. Not horrible except its like 11pm, I'm in heels, the ground is snowy/slushy and its brick outside. Yes, it was fucken horrible LOL. And to make it all worse, about halfway home, now I have to pee and thanks to the life-changing procedure I recently underwent, my "stop my pee" muscles have been compromised. So now I cant hold it, pee is running down my legs and instantly fucken freezing in my jeans LOL.
I have never been so glad to finally get home....... but that aint mean I wanted to talk. My son was sitting on the couch like "Hey Ma, how was the party?" I think I just mumbled something incoherently and walked straight back to my room and closed my door LOL. I came out of my clothes (incidently still in the same heap on the floor I left em in - don't judge me) got in the shower and got in the damn bed. Or at least this is what I think happened - I don't fucken remember anything after my bedroom door closed. I did, however, wake up feeling like somebody had thrown me out of a plane with no chute...... and I landed on a rock LOL. My entire body hurt like hell. It took me about an hour to motivate but I got up, took a hot shower and a vicadin and I haven't left this bed again all day, except to pee - how ironic. Did I mention Im going back to work tomorrow?
Sigh.
And you wonder why I say I should have a camera crew with me at all times. Is this your reality? LOL
SMH.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
21 Years a Slave
And no, that's not a typo.
Might not mean anything to you but I have been wearing this thing for 21 years. Let me be clear; I have worn this thing EVERY DAY for the last 21 years..... sleeping, showering, fighting, swimming, childbirth..... I don't care what it was I was doing, I was doing it in this. Wait..... I did have to take it off when I played ball in school - they made me - but it went right back on after every game and other than then, it literally never left my neck. This morning I decided it was time to let it go. I slid the plate off the chain, replaced it with my daughter's Tasmanian devil pendant and gave it to her for her 12th birthday.
I didn't plan to retire it although the thought had crossed my mind a while ago. As I matured, I found myself wanting to experiment with different neck pieces I'd see, so I'd buy them just to have them sitting in a box or on a hook somewhere, collecting dust. My name plate comes with so many memories - it appears in every post-high school picture I have ever taken before December 20th, 2013 - and I wasn't even consciously thinking about all that. I just could never bring myself to take it off; like psychologically, the thought of taking it off made me uncomfortable. Then I had surgery.
I was instructed to remove ALL my jewelry which included other articles I never take off - a second chain, a 3rd hole stud, an ankle bracelet and a navel ring - all of which I've been rocking for at least 15 years each. Is that crazy? I never thought so. It was always just... part of me. But for some reason, this morning I felt like I felt the day I bought that e-cig out the blue and quit smoking; it's now or never. If I put this thing back on, it will be another 21 years before I take it off again. My baby walked in the room and I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I'm not even gonna lie, it was kind of an emotional moment. But I do think I saw it coming. Yesterday I made an attempt to put my navel ring back in and it fought me to no end. No matter how much progress I felt I was making on the front end, it would not push through to the other side. I eventually gave up and said I would try again another day, but part of me felt that tug of symbolism then. You've been FREED from these things, why would you wanna put them back on? The events of the last few days caused me to get a lot more out of it than just that too. You've been freed from these PEOPLE, why would you wanna put THEM back on? Hmmph. Yall don't hear me. But as I bid farewell to the 2 new pieces now resigned to my jewelry box, farewell also to the first 2 casualties of 2014 whose walking papers have been signed, sealed, delivered - and in that very order.
#POW #ItsBeenReal #Toodles
Leave it to me to overthink some real simple shit into a life lesson but you'll have to forgive me. Lately everything happening around me feels like one. I'll say it again - none of this might mean anything to you, but for me..... its kind of a big deal. Especially the correlation. The sentimental person I am likes to hold on to things, but even more so, people. That has been HUGELY to my detriment over the years - if you follow this blog, you know LOL. The lesson for me to have learned here is that just because a person doesn't mean you harm doesn't mean they mean you any good. Dead weight just keeps you from moving ahead at the pace you could be. Oddly enough, even the recent terminations my company did are relevant (oh yeah, they let go like 20 people, including my boss AND her boss). If a company is in danger, it lets people go. Who? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.
Ima say that again. Who now? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.
Yall still dont hear me, Ima get on down off this pulpit LOL...........
But you know.... its a name plate. I got it in the 90s and although [grown] people are still rocking them today, maybe grown women in name plates is kinda like grown ass men in cornrows. If that's the case, I just did myself a HUGE solid LOL.
Might not mean anything to you but I have been wearing this thing for 21 years. Let me be clear; I have worn this thing EVERY DAY for the last 21 years..... sleeping, showering, fighting, swimming, childbirth..... I don't care what it was I was doing, I was doing it in this. Wait..... I did have to take it off when I played ball in school - they made me - but it went right back on after every game and other than then, it literally never left my neck. This morning I decided it was time to let it go. I slid the plate off the chain, replaced it with my daughter's Tasmanian devil pendant and gave it to her for her 12th birthday.
I didn't plan to retire it although the thought had crossed my mind a while ago. As I matured, I found myself wanting to experiment with different neck pieces I'd see, so I'd buy them just to have them sitting in a box or on a hook somewhere, collecting dust. My name plate comes with so many memories - it appears in every post-high school picture I have ever taken before December 20th, 2013 - and I wasn't even consciously thinking about all that. I just could never bring myself to take it off; like psychologically, the thought of taking it off made me uncomfortable. Then I had surgery.
I was instructed to remove ALL my jewelry which included other articles I never take off - a second chain, a 3rd hole stud, an ankle bracelet and a navel ring - all of which I've been rocking for at least 15 years each. Is that crazy? I never thought so. It was always just... part of me. But for some reason, this morning I felt like I felt the day I bought that e-cig out the blue and quit smoking; it's now or never. If I put this thing back on, it will be another 21 years before I take it off again. My baby walked in the room and I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I'm not even gonna lie, it was kind of an emotional moment. But I do think I saw it coming. Yesterday I made an attempt to put my navel ring back in and it fought me to no end. No matter how much progress I felt I was making on the front end, it would not push through to the other side. I eventually gave up and said I would try again another day, but part of me felt that tug of symbolism then. You've been FREED from these things, why would you wanna put them back on? The events of the last few days caused me to get a lot more out of it than just that too. You've been freed from these PEOPLE, why would you wanna put THEM back on? Hmmph. Yall don't hear me. But as I bid farewell to the 2 new pieces now resigned to my jewelry box, farewell also to the first 2 casualties of 2014 whose walking papers have been signed, sealed, delivered - and in that very order.
#POW #ItsBeenReal #Toodles
Leave it to me to overthink some real simple shit into a life lesson but you'll have to forgive me. Lately everything happening around me feels like one. I'll say it again - none of this might mean anything to you, but for me..... its kind of a big deal. Especially the correlation. The sentimental person I am likes to hold on to things, but even more so, people. That has been HUGELY to my detriment over the years - if you follow this blog, you know LOL. The lesson for me to have learned here is that just because a person doesn't mean you harm doesn't mean they mean you any good. Dead weight just keeps you from moving ahead at the pace you could be. Oddly enough, even the recent terminations my company did are relevant (oh yeah, they let go like 20 people, including my boss AND her boss). If a company is in danger, it lets people go. Who? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.
Ima say that again. Who now? Those who have not demonstrated that they deserve to stay.
Yall still dont hear me, Ima get on down off this pulpit LOL...........
But you know.... its a name plate. I got it in the 90s and although [grown] people are still rocking them today, maybe grown women in name plates is kinda like grown ass men in cornrows. If that's the case, I just did myself a HUGE solid LOL.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Seriously?
I have been at home recovering from surgery for 4 weeks. It has been restful as hell and over the last couple of days I've made note of feeling rejuvenated and refreshed and ready to go on with my life.
So how come I signed into my work portal for 10 minutes.............. 10 MINUTES!!!............... just long enough to address 1 issue................. 1 ISSUE!!!.................... and now my blood pressure is notably elevated, my head is hurting and I have the heartburn of a woman 6 months pregnant with a baby with a head fulla hair. If this isn't the most telling defining moment......... dude, I need a new job like ......yesterday.
So how come I signed into my work portal for 10 minutes.............. 10 MINUTES!!!............... just long enough to address 1 issue................. 1 ISSUE!!!.................... and now my blood pressure is notably elevated, my head is hurting and I have the heartburn of a woman 6 months pregnant with a baby with a head fulla hair. If this isn't the most telling defining moment......... dude, I need a new job like ......yesterday.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Freedom and Fibroids
I have been tucked away in this house for more than 2 weeks. I could not WAIT to get outta here this morning. I was only going to the doctor for my follow up visit, but I wouldn't have cared where I was going, as long as it got me outta here. It was cold too, yall, sooooo cold..... my face was pretty numb by the time I got on the bus, but I listened to my Pandora and glared out the window like I was seeing everything we passed for the first time ever and I all but forgot I was freezing. At some point "Ready for Love" came on and I gave into the impulse to close my eyes and immerse myself in it - not even the lyrics, which I love, or the message, which I'd swear was written expressly for me, but just the sheer beauty in India Arie's voice.... the fluidity in the delivery.... that uncanny ability music has to take you into a completely different part of yourself than you are actively operating in at that moment....
I felt like I was in that part of a movie where the character is transforming - you might see her on a train or bus, head leaned up against the window, eyes trained on something of wonder.... or nothing at all. Not on my way to work. Not on any real clock. No laptop (or midgets) in tow. It was just..... a freedom. Its a rare kind of feeling that I think I've only experienced on the even rarer occasion that I might have gone into the city looking for something - anything - to do and I thought to myself, "I should do that more often."
I got the gold seal of approval from my doctor - everything looks great - but he still wants me out of work for another 2 weeks. No argument here. I was surprised to find out, however, that the grapefruit-sized fibroid attached to my uterus was not a fibroid at all - nor was it attached to my uterus. There were still the smaller fibroids inside of it, but the huge one of the most concern was actually a "mass" or growth which was actually coming off of my ovary - hence the removal of said ovary. A biopsy of the mass had been sent to the lab in the middle of my surgery for testing and while I was relieved to find out that it was not cancerous, it felt strange to just be hearing about it for the first time, nearly 3 weeks after the surgery. It's like a cancer scare..... without the scare LOL. I don't feel gypped or anything (trust me, this whole ordeal was scare enough), I feel more like...... somebody mixed the peas with the corn instead of the carrots LOL. I mean... I don't like cooked carrots.... but clearly people mix peas with them. That probably makes absolutely no sense to you LOL............... it just felt like somebody made a mistake.... like a slide from somebody else's life presentation somehow got mixed up in mine, confusing the hell outta everybody for a split second then simply tossed over a shoulder, into a trash can, to be of no further concern. Was that any better? No? Well maybe its something I'll never be able to explain, but suffice it to say I feel blessed. And awesome. I mean my body was on fire an hour after I got home from all that "freedom" and shit but while I was out there, I was brand new LOL. I totally get why I cant go back to work yet though. You feel like you're all better until you take your ass through somebody's subway system, up and down a few stairs and across a couple platforms, all at a NYC pace. Oh you are doing the absolute most while you out there but you gon learn when you get home LOL. Yeah. I totally get it.
Tonight's sleep will be brought to you be Vicadin - the nighttime aching, throbbing, cause you wasn't really built like that medicine.....
I felt like I was in that part of a movie where the character is transforming - you might see her on a train or bus, head leaned up against the window, eyes trained on something of wonder.... or nothing at all. Not on my way to work. Not on any real clock. No laptop (or midgets) in tow. It was just..... a freedom. Its a rare kind of feeling that I think I've only experienced on the even rarer occasion that I might have gone into the city looking for something - anything - to do and I thought to myself, "I should do that more often."
I got the gold seal of approval from my doctor - everything looks great - but he still wants me out of work for another 2 weeks. No argument here. I was surprised to find out, however, that the grapefruit-sized fibroid attached to my uterus was not a fibroid at all - nor was it attached to my uterus. There were still the smaller fibroids inside of it, but the huge one of the most concern was actually a "mass" or growth which was actually coming off of my ovary - hence the removal of said ovary. A biopsy of the mass had been sent to the lab in the middle of my surgery for testing and while I was relieved to find out that it was not cancerous, it felt strange to just be hearing about it for the first time, nearly 3 weeks after the surgery. It's like a cancer scare..... without the scare LOL. I don't feel gypped or anything (trust me, this whole ordeal was scare enough), I feel more like...... somebody mixed the peas with the corn instead of the carrots LOL. I mean... I don't like cooked carrots.... but clearly people mix peas with them. That probably makes absolutely no sense to you LOL............... it just felt like somebody made a mistake.... like a slide from somebody else's life presentation somehow got mixed up in mine, confusing the hell outta everybody for a split second then simply tossed over a shoulder, into a trash can, to be of no further concern. Was that any better? No? Well maybe its something I'll never be able to explain, but suffice it to say I feel blessed. And awesome. I mean my body was on fire an hour after I got home from all that "freedom" and shit but while I was out there, I was brand new LOL. I totally get why I cant go back to work yet though. You feel like you're all better until you take your ass through somebody's subway system, up and down a few stairs and across a couple platforms, all at a NYC pace. Oh you are doing the absolute most while you out there but you gon learn when you get home LOL. Yeah. I totally get it.
Tonight's sleep will be brought to you be Vicadin - the nighttime aching, throbbing, cause you wasn't really built like that medicine.....
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