Saturday, December 31, 2011

A Toast


I joked in my last post about seeing Jesus and thinking He was coming for me, but Im sitting here on my bed this morning thinking what if He was? What if I had been the only one to see this image coming across the street because I was the reason he came? Are my affairs in order? What would become of my kids? Would the people who mean the most to me know how much I loved them and how they had impacted my life? Would I be missed?

Who are we kidding - hell yeah, I'd be missed! LMAO!

But seriously though... its running through my mind right now, and its probably the most appropriate time, being that a new year will begin in less than 12 hours - not only for the world, but for me personally, being that it's my birthday. The year and my life's reflection came slow this time around, but I am analyzing now, assessing the strides I've made since December 31, 2010, along with the regression and setbacks I've suffered, of which, I must say, have been few. I am happy for that. Still a work in progress, I have come a long way in many aspects. In others.... well, LOL. Like I said - a work in progress.

Tomorrow I will celebrate my 36th year of life on this planet. The day after that I will celebrate my first one-year relationship anniversary in 10 years of dating. The day after that I [officially] embark on my voyage to a healthier lifestyle - not smoking, drinking less, eating conscientiously and spending responsibly. These arent resolutions, as you know I have been on the path for quite some time now, but the end of the year always brings these types of things into technicolor.

I dont even know if I will live another 12 hours, but God willing, I'll bring in the new year at home with my kids, two of my best friends, and a bottle of cheap champagne, toasting the triumphs of the year gone by and looking forward to the possibilities in the road ahead. And in the tradition of "Auld Lang Syne" (translated "Times Gone By") ...."despite the pain in doing so, we must remember and toast to those we've loved and lost in order to keep them close to our hearts" (Fishman, Julie. (2011). "New Year's Eve: Who Knew?" MSN...... <-- see, I learned my lesson LOL). By the grace of God, there were no funeral calls for me in 2010, but I still recognize losses of the past and I do know others who suffered close ones this year, including my mother, who lost one of her last remaining best friends. So a lil liquor to the curb for Sister Delores and all those other folks no longer with us...

MJ, you are still pulling at my heart strings from the great beyond and I will never stop celebrating your genius.

Auntie Judy, I still feel your presence on the train and every time I hear a Heather Hedley song. I miss you every day of my life and I am so glad we had the time we did.

Shaheen, I still cant believe there will be no more bumping into you at Walmart, but trust and believe your friends and family still miss you all the time. #BPort4Life

Zo....*sigh*.....I cant reminisce on the good old days without images of you chewing that damn gum popping up in there somewhere LOL.

Dora, we all still miss your "crazy" LOL. I hope they have lawn chairs in Heaven.

To countless others, gone but not forgotten, a toast to you as well.

To my friends and family, near and far, I love you all with everything in me and I feel blessed to have you in my life. I hope I have been and can continue to be a blessing in yours. I implore you all to do something - ANYTHING - to make this year better than the last. Life is too short to look back and do anything but smile. Even through tears.

Now let's raise these glasses and do it bigger than we've ever done before....

Cheers.

Is That You, Lord?


So we're standing outside the Nuyorican Cafe last night. It was seasonably mild, but it's the end of December, so "seasonably mild" still translates into "cold as fuck" after an hour in a not-moving line some damn where, after walking a million "where the fuck are we" blocks, trying to get there. I was pretty quiet while we waited - mostly because the people behind us were doing enough talking for all of us and I crammed to understand why some people had a baby outside the venue at that time of night, playing and passing him around like it was summer on the set of "Crooklyn."

I was trying to ignore the numbness in my lower extremities, but the later it got, the more I seriously contemplated retreat, acknowledging that the line had slowly begun to move and that this outing was the main reason for our weekend get-together, but believing we had already missed the portion of the event we had gone to see. Growing colder, tired and cranky, I was about two seconds away from saying "fuck it" when something compelled me to turn and look behind me for the ninetieth time that night. I was about to face front again when I said "wait a minute...." and did a double take back across the street. WTF?

Walking up the block was Jesus. JESUS, I TELL YOU! LOL Im talkin bout a white man, bout six feet tall, with long chestnut hair, a goatee and a white robe and braided sash. No bullshit, just like the picture up top. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Especially when he started to cross the street toward the line we were in. No, Lord, not me! Is it my time? Im not ready! was all I could think LOL. I had to nudge my girl to the right of me to make sure she saw what I saw, in hopes of intervening in what, for a moment, I thought coulda been my homegoing LOL. Sure enough, she saw him too, and I realized my other girl had also. By then, the camera phones were out and snapping, but I couldnt even bring myself to whip mine out, relieved that the apparition was merely a look-alike, now nestled in the line behind us. I figured I was safe. Jesus wouldnt be waiting to get in LOL.

The whole incident lasted about five minutes, but it changed the tone of the outing almost instantaneously. Now we were laughing and talking and almost at the door. We finally got in and the last torturous hour and a half of my life all but melted away. The place was small and wall-to-wall packed, forcing us to sit in a corner behind the DJ booth, but I was happy to be there. At one point, as the emcee introduced the next poet to the stage, she told the crowd she needed to run off stage in a certain direction and asked that they make a path. Lo and behold, who is standing in the front of the crowd at that particular time? You got it - Janky Jesus - and with a wave of his hand, he parted the crowd like the red sea LOL. It was awesome! LOL Jokes galore after that LOL.

The slam poets were pretty awesome too, for the most part, although I would have chosen a different winner than the judges did, but hey.... they didnt ask me LOL. Between lagging trains and GPS deficient cab drivers, it probably took us almost two hours to get home, but I would call last night a success. Item one on my NYC bucket list checked off, and I'll definitely do it again...... in the summer.... slightly tipsy LOL.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Merry [Day After] Christmas!

Great weekend upstate. Finally got to be there for more than a day and get around to see some people. Christmas at my mom's was almost actually amicable and the midgets got everything they wanted, so Im happy. Now Im home relaxing and hoping to make the most of this peaceful house to myself for the next 4 days. I dont have to get up extra early to do my daughter's hair and I dont rush home after work so people can eat. I aint got a damn thing to do at 5-something when I leave the office, but just the fact that I could if I wanted to is totally fucken awesome right now LOL.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and on a sidenote......

If I let you know Im gonna be in town, and I let you know Im IN town when I get in town, that is the end of my responsibility. If you cant say in that initial conversation when you are or THAT you are free to hang out, it is then up to you to hit me back if and when you are. I am NOT going to be calling, texting and hunting you down. I have too many people to keep track of for that. For those who take responsibility for that miss, cool. For those that hit me up, mad that Im already back home, chillin on my bed and avoiding cleaning my disaster of a house without having seen them, get your life. You have your priorities. I have mine. I aint mad, why the hell are you?

#seriously

One visit I had has really been sticking with me all day. I went to visit my big brother who I hadnt had a chance to catch up with since I left. We sat in his kitchen catching up for about two hours, reminiscing on my adolescence and the friends I had (which he mentored/coached) back then and all the crazy teenage drama we had and it was a blast. Before I left, he told me that I was always special and he always felt a need to protect me. It really meant a lot to hear him say that, because it validated the relationship we have always had and why it was so important that I caught up with him on this trip. He gave a lotta people hell - including me - but I dont know how I would have fared in my wonder years without him always looking out. He's a lot of the reason I survived my crazy mama and all the teenage traps a lot of my counterparts fell to. I really appreciate his role in my life and one of these days, I hope I'll find some way to show it...

Message!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Updates (Thanks, P)

Credit: I've printed out the letters, but still havent filled them out for the individual creditors and bureaus. I kinda forgot at one point, and then I went outta town for an exhausting week of training, and this weekend, I just needed to catch up on some rest, so I didnt do much of anything. I am resolving to get it done some time in the next two weeks though, so to make sure I do that, I am setting myself some calendar reminders. Sidebar: calendar reminders are the difference between doing and not doing. Get in the habit.

Weight Loss: I've been eating like shit for the last couple of weeks but to my surprise, I've only gained back 5 pounds. If I buckle down, I can still be on track to hitting that solid 20 by the end of the year, and since Im broke and likely to be living off top ramen for the next week, that's totally possible LOL.

New Year's/Birthday: I still havent really slid into my time of reflection, but Im sure its because I've had so much going on. It will probably kick in right after Christmas, when Im home alone for the week. Im uber excited about my girls coming down to spend that weekend though. I really miss the nights at the crib, drinking and laughing about the bullshit in our lives. Its the downside to moving away, but Im at least secure in the knowledge that these are my FRIENDS. Not associates or acquaintances.... people who I know want the best for me and support my choices for my life, while keeping me included in theirs. Now I just need them to all get webcams so we can cyber drink together on those long call nights, and all will be right with the world.

Detox: Im laying off the booze (other than what might be required to help me get to sleep, since I've had some trouble with that lately) in an effort to thwart my desire to smoke. When I was in Philly this week, I stayed in a smoke-free hotel, so I had to go outside if I wanted to smoke, which at 20-30 degrees, was only happening once or twice, in the car, with the heat on LOL. That limited me to about one a day, and I survived, so I know I can do it. I just gotta get outta my own head. January 3rd is my deadline (there are sensible reasons for the off-date) and if I dont start getting my mind right now, it aint gonna happen. I have to learn to keep the promises I make to myself like I keep those I make to others, and the truth of the matter is I havent been very good to myself in that regard. That changes NOW.

The other things Im lightweight working on havent been mentioned here, so I wont start talking about em now. Suffice it to say, they are in progress as well and I see a great 2012 on the horizon. I hope all you "resolutionaries" are getting your houses in order as well. Word to the wise: nobody's gonna make it better FOR you.

#justdoit

Diggin in the Crates

Yall might remember these guys best from the movie "Lean on Me" singing the school song in the bathroom. A lotta people dont realize they actually were a group that was later signed by SBK records (who? LOL), but they were one of my FAVORITE groups from the 90s. They shoulda got bigger than they did, but as one with an affinity for the obscure, they still have a special place in my heart. I had a thing for the jheri curl in the first vid (below) and the tall, yellow one with the lightbulb head LMAO! (shhhh, dont tell nooooooobody LOL)

This was their first release....





This was their follow up....


Sunday, December 11, 2011

FUMING!!!!

I am so muthafucken mad right now, I dont know what to do. This entire weekend has been an exercise in fuckery, but things were slowly starting to level out until a few minutes ago.

Im back in my bed, trying to relax so I can get up for this 6am drive to Philly in the morning, when I figure I oughta look at my assignment that's due tomorrow to see if I need to start working on it early. While Im in the system, I remember I havent checked my final grade for my class that ended last week. Grades gotta be posted by now, right?

I go into the gradebook and didnt this bitch give me a 0 for my final project???? A FUCKEN ZERO! ARE YOU FUCKEN OUTTA YOUR MIND???

So I go to the notes section where she explains her grading and this bitch got the nerve to tell me I plagiarized somebody else's work... almost every part of my paper seemed to be an almost exact regurgitation of someone's previously submitted assignments.

Yeah bitch, MINE!

My understanding is that they have some kind of system or database they run each submission through that can somehow detect similarities in word or pattern to previous submissions, scholarly text or online information. Im guessing my paper came back showing similarities - TO MY OWN SHIT - and she assumed that I must have taken it from somewhere else, when a fucken college professor should have sense enough to look at my own previous stuff before jumping to such a conclusion.

I mean think about it. How in the fuck could my final paper be an almost exact regurgitation of somebody else's shit when I dont get to see anybody else's shit? Discussion stuff I can see, but I have no visibility to their assignment submissions. My final task was basically a summary of all the stuff we did over the last six weeks, so my project was a compilation of information I gathered for discussions and assignments over the course of the class. How easy is it to just look? Pretty easy right? Well apparently she felt it easier to just assume I cheated, and in so doing, had the nerve to submit some kind of cheat report on me to the school. ARE YOU FUCKEN SERIOUS??? You dont think you should check things out before you do some shit like that which could affect my ability to even be in this program???

I.
AM.
HOT!!!

This shit for real makes me not even wanna take no more fucken classes, but I know withdrawing is not a sound decision made in such an emotional place. I responded to her "concerns" with some of my own, and directed her to do what she should have done in the first place - check my previous work. She WILL change my grade, or I will be submitting a report of my own.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

PSA: To Call or Not to Call: That is the Question

I know we have discussed this before, but clearly some folks missed the memo, so let me run thru this one mo' 'gain....

It's probably not a good idea to call me between the hours of 5pm and 6:30pm, Monday thru Friday. For one, I am generally commuting during some portion of that time. For two, Im just getting off work and you cannot anticipate whether or not I had a shitty day and dont wanna be bothered with your bullshit. Under no circumstances should you call me during this time "just to say 'hey'" or "see what I've been up to." I've been up to working all damn day and fucking with these rude ass New Yorkers, trying to get home without having to make a pit stop at the local precinct LOL. That type of shit can wait til 7.... at least LOL. Can I get in the door and take my shoes off, damn?! If its a quick question, text it. If I dont respond, your question was stupid LOL.

I had the most stressful 4-6 ever last night, primarily due to the bastard who forced me to cancel my debit card behind their fraudulent shenanigans, and when I did finally make it home, all I wanted to do was sit down and have a REALLY stiff drink. My apologies to the call I totally ignored, but this decompression process should never be interrupted LOL.

Monday and Thursday nights I have assignments due by midnight, so that's probably not a good time either. Text me. If its important, I'll take a break and hit you back.

Stop calling me, LISTENING TO THE WHOLE VOICEMAIL GREETING, and then not leaving a message. Who does that, Rentacenter? LOL Once the voicemail comes on, just hang up. It aint like you're calling my work phone, where my message might say something like "I will be out of the office the week of December 12" so you know not to keep calling. My greeting never changes. You gotta know that once you get to the beep, a message is gonna register on my phone. So why aint there no fucken message, Rentacenter? Cut it out!

Yes, there are other random occasions where I can SEE you are calling and I simply wont pick up, but these are the main ones. maybe Im being a bitch about it but..... I really dont fucken care LOL. Everybody has their moments, at least Im telling you in advance what you're up against. The good news is, if you do get me, or I do call you back, I'll probably be happy and bubbly. That's good, right? I think so. So work with me, people. Help me help you LOL.

That is all.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

NUYO!

So the year is coming to a close, and with that comes another birthday. For the first time in a lotta years, I didnt have major plans.... any plans, really.... but my bucket list blog prompted a couple of my girlfriends to decide New Years was ripe for a roadtrip.

We plan to knock off some of the touristy things I mentioned, which will be cool, but the big deal for me is the night at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe. I have wanted to go there for such a long time and just never did, but I'm finally gonna do it.

I've recruited a couple of other friends to come with, including a good friend of mine who is one of the most intense erotic poets I have ever heard. I almost hope he comes equipped with something to rattle off during the open mic, because I've read his stuff, but I've never seen him perform one. Then I got to thinking..... Dig.... how amazing would it be to get up on stage yourself? How awesome would it be for the first and only time you have done a spoken word to be at the muthafucken Nuyorican Cafe???

Then I remembered hyperventilating, fighting back vomit and nearly passing out after the last time I was on stage performing in front of a room full of people and I came to my senses LOL. Sure it was 17 years ago and it worked out for a crown in the end, but the point is, I have horrible stage fright and I really dont think I could do it. Strangely enough though, Im still thinking about it.

I wont make any promises, and frankly, the smart money would be on me NOT doing it, but the thought makes me smile. These days, that's enough.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Cost of a Two-Step

So Im at work today right... lol... and Im about to go to lunch, so I think hey, let me check my account to see where Im at before I go ballin on the buffet. The last time I checked my account was about three days ago and I really havent spent much since then, so imagine my surprise when I find my balance is not what Im expecting to see.

I scroll down through the transactions - mostly nickel and dime stuff - until I come to this debit thats still processing. $250. WTF??? I know for a fact I didnt make any $250 purchases or payments since Friday, yet this transaction was processing from yesterday. I didnt recognize the name of the merchant either, so naturally, I call my bank.

Twenty minutes later, my card has been canceled and another one issued, and I have to call the number they gave me for the merchant, because since the payment is still processing, the bank cant do anything yet. Cool. I call the merchant.

Dont you know this $250 was done through one of thoses Groupon or Living Social type things for some muthafucken dance lessons???? DANCE LESSONS???? WHAT??? LOL Who the fuck pays $250 for dance class? Well I aint never taken a dance class, so maybe I just dont know, but I guess it dont matter when its somebody else's money.

The merchant said they reversed the charge and to check with my bank tomorrow. You bet your ass Ima check with bank tomorrow, Mister. He said he would do an investigation to get as much info as he could about the purchase so I could file a police report, but the report might end up filed against me if I actually find out who ran my shit. *earrings off* Oh, bitch, you wanna STEAL? LOL For real? Okay, LOL. Well dont you worry bout stealing nothing else cause Ima give you this here ass whoopin FA FREE...

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

So I managed to salvage my holiday.

After I blogged last night, I had myself a calm down drink and a black and marched my ass right back into the kitchen to regulate. Suffice it to say, when I got up this morning, that turkey had not been touched and my greens were still safe and sound in their pre-cut, pre-cleaned bags. Of course there were some unsolicited suggestions being made all around, but I just ignored them and did what I do. I am happy to say that all the food came out delicious, although, strangely enough, I only had one plate. I told myself I was going back for seconds as soon as my food digested, but I guess it never digested, cause seven hours later, I still feel full.

I tried to be sociable as much as I could, but I spent a lot of the day in my room. I guess I was trying to avoid the BS that my mother and me in the same room for too long tends to generate, but I kinda just felt like being in my room. The house was hot as hell after all the cooking and the moderately warm weather, and they didnt want the ceiling fan on for whatever reason. I was hot...... shit...... so I chilled under the ceiling fan in my room and watched Miracle on 34th St (my co-favorite Christmas movie, next to Its a Wonderful Life) and played Words With Friends. I imagine there was some commentary about my seclusion but you know what? I dont really care LOL. I did what I needed to in order to have a good day today, and they can have my full participation tomorrow when we hit the city. Its their last full day before they go back upstate on Saturday, so I think thats a fair compromise.

All in all, it was a good day. Im not in jail, everybody's still speaking, and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. After the first couple of hours of them (her) being here, I wasnt so sure it would go down like that, but hey, Im glad it did.

Happy Thanksgiving, yall. I hope yall all had a wonderful day.

Dig, out.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Fucken Boundaries!

My family got here at about 2am. Its now 4 am and Im annoyed already.

Everything was cool for the first hour. My mama didnt say a whole lot. She had even laid down at one point and I thought she was going to bed, especially since she kept saying over and over again how "we" had to get up at 6 to go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.... mind you, this was at about 2:30. Who the hell she thought was getting up at 6 to go to a parade, IDK, but I digress.

I was half sleep when they got here, so after a half hour of being sociable, I decide Im going back to bed. Im in the bed about 20 minutes when I hear this clicking..... over and over and over again. Its my stove. She is in there, apparently trying to light it, and just letting it click and click and click, seeping gas all up and through the house. So I get up like WTF? She doesnt seem to grasp my concern, but the stove is lit and she is doing whatever she is doing, so I let it go. This is when I notice my turkey is in the sink and there are turkey necks in one of the big pots on the stove.

Now some of yall know this about me and some of yall dont, but if you are among the latter, let me school you: I dont like people fuckin with my shit. If I say Im cooking something, LET ME COOK IT. Dont take it upon yourself to start it, or add to it or anything else, trying to be helpful. ESPECIALLY my greens.

Now A, I told my mother when she first got there that I did not want to cook the turkey overnight. In my opinion (mostly from my experience with her making turkey in the past) it dries the turkey out. The bird only needs about three hours in the oven so there is plenty of time to stick it in there in the morning. Why is my turkey in the sink? My turkey is in the sink because she completely disregarded what I said and decided she was gonna do what she wanted to do anyway.

B, WHY are you boiling my turkey necks? "Its the broth for the greens. The turkey necks need about two hours in the pot, so at least that will be done already and you can just put the greens in later."

*staring into the camera*

Are you fucking serious??? I HOPE I dont even need to tell yall the multiple things that are wrong with that statement - ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? YOU, lady, are the woman who at one family barbecue, called yourself making greens, didnt think you had made enough, and added spinach to them to fill them out. FUCKING SPINACH!!!! You need to be as far away from a cooking pot of greens as humanly possible.

Maybe Im taking this too personally, but Im fucking pissed right now, because this was MY Thanksgiving dinner. My mom and my sister had certain items they were going to make and we were very clear on what they were. Part of what I wanted to do was show her how NOT to do shit... how it is possible to make a juicy turkey, greens that were not overcooked, and food with proper seasonings that, even if it did come from a box or a can, doesnt have to taste like it. I know my mother - she gonna try to commandeer the kitchen and start touching shit she aint got no business touching, and fuck it all up. Ima end up having cup-o-noodles for Thanksgiving dinner cause if Im still pissed when I wake up again, I know I wont eat none of that shit.

She aint been here 3 hours and she's already fuckin up..... *sighhhhhhhh*

Monday, November 21, 2011

Quick Weekend Recap

Pretty busy weekend and overeatng with the kids LOL. Red Lobster yesterday and pizza tonight. I had like 5 slices, but in my defense, it was 7pm by then and it was the only thing I ate all day. My stomach didnt care much for my logic and I was breathing through my elbows for about two hours afterwards, cause my stomach had my lungs in a headlock, but hey.

I shopped for the house and for Thanksgiving, bought the Christmas tree and spent all day today cleaning. Odd how I SPENT ALL DAY CLEANING and it never got finished LOL. Jamming too hard will do that, I guess, but yall know how I do with channel 843. Dont judge me.

Im hoping to be productive in this here three-day work week, but the fact that I have a 4-6 page paper due by midnight tomorrow that I havent even started does not look good. That means the kids are eating something microwavable for dinner so I can come home and get straight to it, but they know thats how I roll on Mondays.

Guess I should crash and get this work week crackin in 5 hours. Hope yall all had a good weekend. Have a good week!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Big Girl Pants

What would you do if you found out at the most inopportune time, in the most inopportune way that someone you love but have spent your whole life disappointed in was dying? Thats not my predicament tonight, but I was confronted with the issue via a close friend who found herself in this place and it made me think about my father.... my mother too, but mostly my father.

As I have mentioned periodically on this blog, I have gone back and forth in my stance with him - one day loathing and despising him and the next day feeling like I need to be the bigger person to obtain the closure that I need for ME, in the event that he is one day gone, along with the chance to get some answers.

I have decided tonight to go with the latter, put on my big girl pants and be the bigger person in an effort to ensure that no matter what happens, I can be satisfied that I did all that was within MY power to rectify the situation and bring closure to it. Whether or not he is responsive is not my concern. Whether or not he is honest with both himself and me, should he choose to be responsive, is not my concern. My only concern is doing what is within MY power to achieve it. If it doesnt happen, I did my part.

So with that...... here goes nothin.....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Punk'd?

meant to write this blog last night, but I got distracted with laundry, life, and “words with friends” (my new addiction) and eventually wound up falling asleep – lights on, laptop on, everythang LOL. Hey, I had a long day.

Anyway….

So last night on my way home from work, I realized I only had $5 cash on me. I was going to a store on my way home that had a card machine, but I was gonna spend $3 out of that $5 just getting home and end up having no real money on me. When you have school age children who are notorious for springing “I need $__” things on you last minute, you learn to always keep a few dollars handy. I also wanted to buy some discounted bus tickets and they only accept cash.

So I stop at an ATM before I left the subway and took out $40. I go up into the Port Authority and wait in the short line to buy my $20 worth of tickets. I tuck them in my wallet, tuck my wallet back in my bag and turn my iPod back on. On the way to my bus gate, a guy calls out to me, asking if I speak English. I nod, stop, and remove one of my ear buds so I could hear him. Looking around, I couldn’t imagine he had trouble finding another person who spoke English, but he singled me out so hey, whatever.

He just starts going a mile a minute and I had no idea WTF he was talking about for the first minute he was talking. He’s showing me this paper with all this yellow highlighting and I realize he is telling me that some social service agency helped him get a job as a chef at some Marriott in Jersey, and this paper is his way of proving it to me. He’s also telling me the job pays $19/hr, more money than he’s ever made and he is tired of working for $10/hr LOL. Yes indeed, he was talking to me like we went way back LOL. I still wasn’t sure what he was getting at, I mean, I was sure he didn’t stop me just to tell me about this new job he got LOL but he wasn’t getting to the point. So I just ask him; “Ok, so what are you asking me?” Now he’s telling me what church he goes to (LOL) and how the people at church sent him off with $20 or $25 to start his job, but when he got to the Port Authority, he found out the ticket to Atlantic City was $39.

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere.

At that point, I understood – he was asking me for money….. money to supposedly get him to his first day of work on time. “I don’t wanna risk losing this job over something so stupid as not being able to get there,” he says. Made sense to me.

Now there were a lot of questions I could have asked, and I woulda been well within my rights to ask them, being that I didn’t know this man from a hole in the wall, but I really didn’t see the point. I mean, quite honestly, I didn’t even hear anything else he said after that, and he talked for another two minutes, easy. There was no way I could determine if he was really telling me the truth or not. The highlighted paper coulda been a fake, along with the poorly done resume it was stapled to. His fast talking coulda had more to do with crack than his being Hispanic and so what he didn’t look like a chef? I mean what does a chef look like anyway? LOL

The bottom line is that I would never know, but the 1% chance that he could have been telling the truth sent me into my wallet for that other 20. Even if he was lying – and I realize the high likelihood of this being the case LOL – he singled me out to ask for help, and like I said on my FB post last night, I was always told that if someone comes directly to you for help, you should help them, because it could be an angel – or even Jesus – testing you. If its within your means to positively affect a situation and you don’t…………… feel me? I mean, I aint rollin in it like I was a few months ago but regardless of what was REALLY going on, that dude clearly needed that $20 more than me. 48 hours later, that 20 would be gone and I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what I did with it. So why not help a brotha out? If I hadn’t, I woulda wondered about that shit all night long, losing sleep about whether or not I did the right thing and Im just now getting shit back right – I don’t need karma fuckin wit me LOL At the end of the day, I still went home with just that $5 in my wallet, but if 20 bucks is the going rate for peace of mind these days, Im peeling off that bill every time.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Short List

So here is my list of things I am committed to doing in NYC by July.

Statue of Liberty
Empire State Building
9/11 Memorial
Nuyorican Cafe
At least one museum
Visit my old neighborhood
Rockefeller Center (to see the tree)
A parade (hopefully Macy's Thanksgiving day but we'll see)
At least one event at Madison Square Garden
The Lion King and/or Wicked

*Note: I reserve the right to amend this list at a later date LOL.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Wow Moment

Most native New Yorkers have never been to the statue of liberty unless they went in like third grade on a school field trip.

The empire state building is just another skyscraper on 33rd (I think LOL) that lights up in pretty colors at night.

And no one really knows why Staten Island exists except to have spawned Wu-Tang, and now that thats done, kinda wonder why its still there LOL. I guess Mob Wives still needs somewhere to film.

*shrugs*

My point is, I went to Lincoln Center today for the first time. I went to Julliard and sat on the steps and I literally felt music and dancing and theater in my soul. The students walking by with their instruments or ballet slippers thrown over their shoulders really gave me a sense of.... IDK. I could feel their desire and the way they burned for their art. You could almost see this one girl doing 8-counts in her head as she walked across the street. It was kind of amazing, and it actually felt like something I should be checking off my bucket list if I had one. Then it occurred to me that I dont [have one, that is] but I should.

There are too many things I want to do before I die, so my bucket list would look like What Chilli Wants out this muthafucka (ridiculous) but I think I could come up with a manageable few things that I would like to do while Im down here in the city - things tourists do all the time and I just never think to. Especially since there is a possibility I wont still be living here this time next year.

I need a couple of days to think about it, but the empire state building will probably be first since its only a couple blocks over from the building I work in. Lets see if I cant milk some milestones outta this here station. I'll try to have my list together by the weekend.

No. I will HAVE my list together by the weekend. (Im working on that too).

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Catchin Up



The rapper known as "The Overweight Lover" (real name Dwight Arrington Myers) died today of currently unknown causes. Investigators say there appeared to be no foul play. A 911 report of an unconscious man on the sidewalk outside his home led emergency vehicles to the scene. Heavy D was transported to an LA hospital where he was pronounced dead at age 44. Damn. Its a sad state of the world when 22 is middle aged, but more and more people are dying younger and younger. This one really hurt my heart.




"Smokin'" Joe Frazier died also. The former heavyweight boxing champ, best known for handing Muhammad Ali his first defeat and later facing him in the infamous "Thrilla in Manila," died of liver cancer at the age of 67.

Now I know many of you were surprised that there was no Conrad Murray blog last night when he was convicted of manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Trust me, I was well aware and planning on it, but I had a paper to write that was due by midnight, so I couldnt spare the time.

Having a day for it to sink in, I have a lot less to say than I would have yesterday. I am glad that he was found guilty, cause his story was the biggest crockest shit I had ever heard in my entire life, but my Michael is still gone, so I find no joy in it. Some solace maybe.... joy, no. Especially since Im hearing that the max he can get in Cali for this conviction is something stupid like 4 years. Of course, his license will likely be revoked as well, but 4 years? Niggas get more than that for back child support... *smh*

I must admit, this tickled me tho....


....after I stopped being mad that somebody tarnished my baby's album cover.

Whatever though. I've forgiven him and given it up to God. I only hope the Jacksons feel some sense of closure when this is all done.

And that is all.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Blessings A-flowing

So my daughter woke me up bright and early yesterday morning. "Mommy, I think you gotta pay the Direct TV bill, the TV's not working."

Great.

I ask her if she can find something else to do for a little while so I could go back to sleep, and although she seemed fine to just grab my laptop and entertain herself, I felt bad. So I rolled over five minutes later and grabbed my cell phone to call in the payment. Thing is, if they had cut the service off, I'd need to pay the full balance (I was a month behind) and I knew I didnt have enough in my account or it, but when the automated system asked if that was what I was doing, I said yes. I had a little more than half of the amount in my account, so I knew the bank would pay it, and the automated system said the payment had gone through fine and the service would be restored.

I rolled over for another five minutes before I started stressing about having just sacrificed my week's well-being and figured I had better call the bank and see how much damage I had done. Fully expecting to hear "your checking account is currently overdrawn by $____" I almost fell outta the bed when the automated voice said I had a few G's in there. I thought I had heard wrong. I needed to see it.

So I stole my laptop back from my baby and pulled up my account online. Sure enough, I had heard right. My school money, which I wasnt expecting until Tuesday or Wednesday had been deposited over night. HALLELUJAH! THANK YA, JESUS!

*happy dance*

It was the first time I felt like I could really breathe in like three months. That being said, its already gone LOL.

I paid my rent and all the other bills I had gotten behind on, ordered the book I needed for class, and when that was done, I rewarded myself for surviving the storm - I took my kids to Red Lobster.

I ordered endless shrimp and ate until I could barely breathe. They got whatever they wanted, including dessert, and the bill was nearly $100, but it was worth it. I was worth it. WE were worth it.

We had such a great time when we left there, walking and laughing and just being a family that just for a while I forgot all about the stress and the worry and the bullshit I had been dealing with. The only thing that mattered was us and it felt great to be reminded of that.

In the process of keeping our heads above water, I cant forget why Im doing this - them.... us. So even though my finances are back to ground zero, I did the right thing with the money I had, so I have peace of mind. A couple years ago, we mighta balled out on 125th street, or I mighta gotten on the road to splurge on a ladies night with my girls... but I've grown since the days of those irrational impulse behaviors and I'd like to think I'm still growing. It'll be greater later, people, you just wait and see...

On another note, I'll be living on celery and sunflower seeds for the next two weeks to make up for them endless shrimp LOL.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

R.I.P. Andy Rooney



http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45173371


[excerpt]

"Andy Rooney so dreaded the day he had to end his signature "60 Minutes" commentaries about life's large and small absurdities that he kept going until he was 92 years old.

Even then, he said he wasn't retiring. Writers never retire. But his life after the end of "A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney" was short: He died Friday night, according to CBS, only a month after delivering his 1,097th and final televised commentary.

Rooney had gone to the hospital for an undisclosed surgery, but major complications developed and he never recovered."

Cynical, sarcastic and never holding his tongue - I loved his candor. R.I.P. Andy.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

*sigh*

So.... I might actually have pink eye.

The eye I bitched about last night is pretty swollen, despite the ice last night, and both eyes were pretty flaky when I woke up. My insurance doesnt kick in until next month, but Im gonna see if this immediate care place near me will see me and just bill me or something. The flaky shit usually accumulates again over a couple hours time if its pink eye, so I will probably know before I go if thats what it is, or if this sty is just wreaking havoc in my optical life for sport. Either way, Im home for the morning, potentially going in to work later, if the doctor clears me.

Its these NYC subways. It hasnt been cold enough to break out the gloves yet, but I think Im gonna have to keep them with me anyway. I vertigo pretty badly, so its hard for me to go down a flight of stairs without holding on to the rail. I copped me some more hand sanitizer yesterday afternoon but I had already contaminated my eye by then - fuck you, Maybelline and your clumpy ass Falsies Volume Express bullshit! LOL Im going back to Cover Girl.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Really Dumb Day

My eye is killing me. What I thought was a sty.... well.... it still might be a sty.... but rather than on the rim, where my eyelashes are, its like... on my lid... like UNDER the skin.... so it feels like a pimple.... or a mosquito bite... and it fucken hurts. Whats more, its making my damn eyeball itch.... which is even more torture cause rubbing it to relieve it hurts too. And because Im doing that, I wouldnt be surprised if this shit is swollen in the morning....#FML

Work was stupid. I made 77 calls today - 77!!!! And yielded zero results. Where they do that at? I showed up this morning to find slews of fire trucks and all the building's employees outside - an evacuation due to a fire on the 20-something-th floor. We didnt get back in the building until 10:30 and it was all downhill from there.

I did however get my AMEX in the mail. Its the corporate card - not a personal one - but still.... I never imagined I would live to see the day my name was on a damn American Express. Thank God for small miracles LOL.

While I was standing outside at work with everyone else, I heard somebody call my name. I was like who the hell could be calling me, IDK anybody. I look and its a girl I knew in high school. We reconnected on FB so I knew she had moved to Jersey, but IDK she worked in the city and wouldnt ya know - she works in my damn building! LOL How crazy is that? Small world, I tell ya. Small world.

Oh and my father? You know, the one I wouldnt piss on if his ass was on fire? Yeah him. He's now my friend on FB. #progress

*squint*

So its been a bit of a strange day in general. I feel like I should go outside and stand in the middle of the street. Not so I can get hit by a car or anything, but some aliens in a passing UFO might need directions LOL...

Dont mind me. Carry on.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

They Said It Was Gonna Snow....





...but I was not expecting all this! Dude on the radio said it hasnt snowed here in October since 1959 LOL. Why it chose 2011 to break that run, IDK, but I have an attitude and a half about the fact that I cant watch TV, cause there is snow on my signal piece to my satellite and I cant reach it to brush it off. I aint gonna have no damn TV until a) it stops snowing and b) the snow melts off the signal piece. Can you say "bitchin a fit?" LOL

So Im spending my evening terrorizing the internet.

I did watch Paranormal Activity 2 today, despite my earlier defiance. The midgets wanted to watch it so we Netflixed it up, and surprisingly, it was pretty good. It took an hour for it to GET pretty good, but they tied it in nicely to the first one, and now I totally get the storyline of the third one, which I happen to be excited to see now. Whodathunkit?

Ok back to menacing the world wide web. If anything interesting happens, maybe I'll be back LOL.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My apologies

I hope you caught up on all the posts you missed while you stalked this site for the last two days, waiting for me to put something up about me hanging up on you other night. I hate to disappoint, so here you go:

Im sorry...

...But not for hanging up on you.

Im sorry I answered the phone in the first place.

...That I replied to your IM in the first place.

...That I hadnt deleted and blocked you in the first place.

...That you even had the audacity to feel it was okay to reach out to me in the first place - but that's my fault.

Once upon a time, me getting over something meant the ability to pick up where we left off. All you had to do was stall me out until enough time passed that I was over it. Well you gave it a year and congratulations - Im over it!

But Im over you too.

Things will never be different and I have no patience for more of the same old shit. I live in Jersey. I got enough one-way streets in my life.

So just so we're clear: I dont consider you a friend of mine. It is not okay to call, email, IM, Facebook, Myspace, smoke signal, carrier pigeon, morse code, telegram or priority mail me LOL. Anything I left out, consider that also not okay. As far as Im concerned, we have nothing to talk about, and while you might feel unfortunately otherwise, what you want no longer concerns me.

But thanks for playing... its been real ;)

*two fingaz*

Here Goes Nothin'

So…..As I said, I bought a pack of blacks at the same time I bought that e-cig and I figured I would start the e-cig when the pack was gone. I smoked the last one last night, but not late enough last night, so come about 10pm, I was like ok, let’s try the e-cig.

It is important to note that these things are not to be smoked the same way you smoke your cigarettes/cigars. If you smoke 30 cigarettes a day, you aren’t gonna pull this thing out 30 times a day, just to be smoking something other than a cigarette. If you’re doing that, its never gonna work (AND youll end up having to buy another one like every other day, cause its only got 250-300 “quality puffs” as they call em, which is the equivalent of about 25 cigarettes.) This thing only has a shot of working for you if you are really TRYING to quit and are using it only to take the edge off when that craving creeps up on you. Especially for a cigar smoker because like I said before, it tastes nothing like a cigar, so it doesn’t provide quite the same satisfaction. The vapor you pull in is different than with cigar smoke too, but it’s a LOT like cigarette smoke. A person trying to quit cigarettes should be golden with this thing, but it doesn’t quite hit the mark for a cigar aficionado. They need to come out with a cigar one.

Im still gonna try it though. Its sitting in front of me right now. Im usually straight all day at work and don’t smoke til Im home at night. People tell me that probably means Im not really addicted, more likely habitual, but damn that, I’ve FELT the withdrawal trying to quit, so its something. Of course all that could be psychosomatic but whatever, its not fun LOL. I have to try to neutralize some of my smoking cues too. For instance, when Im at home, coffee comes with a smoke. Its kinda hard to have coffee and not feel the urge. That’s what made me pull the e-cig out in the first place today and it did enough to take off the edge so I could keep it moving. And really that’s all you need is something that helps get you through those moments. There are no whole days ahead of you. Quitting smoking is something you take like ten minutes at a time. You get the urge and you challenge yourself to get thru the next ten minutes. You try so hard to distract yourself that usually by the time you check again, an hour’s gone by. I’ve been officially smoke-free (mindfully) for 13 hours. I’ll be fine until around 730, and then 730 to midnight is gonna be hell LOL. But if the Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I will still be smoke free this time tomorrow.

*crossing fingers*

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Next Thing Smokin'



I know: da hell is that? LOL

That, people, is hopefully the best $9.95 I will ever spend (with the ped egg still being the best $9.99, Im just sayin LOL)

I had so much stuff on my mind this morning, I couldnt concentrate enough to work on my paper. My boyfriend called and I was happier than ever to have something else to think about for a little bit besides money and bills and everything else lately that's been trying to drive me to an early grave. After we hung up, I looked at the pile of laundry in the corner of my room that I still needed to do, the bathroom I still needed to clean and the living room that now needed to be salvaged after the house full of kids I had last night tore through it, and I decided to walk to the store, just to get some air and clear my head a little bit before I came back and dealt with it.

I grabbed my Ipod and opened it to the song list, saying I'd scroll it one time, real hard, and start with whichever song it landed on. DeWayne Woods, "Let Go [Let God]" - okay. I can do that.

I was arriving at the store when the song ended and Tommy, the store owner, always talks to me when Im in there, so I turned my Ipod off and picked up the chips and m&m's the midgets wanted, the cranberry juice and Canada Dry I was getting for myself and the pack of apple blacks I said I wasnt going to buy any more of. He meets me at the register and on the counter is a huge posterboard advertising the electronic cigarette.

"You got this?" I asked, knowing the sign wasnt there before today.

"Yeah. Wanna see?"

I nodded.

He pulls one off the rack behind him and hands me the single, two-pieced contraption. The shorter end, I guessed, was the filter, which you screw into the longer piece. I always wanted to check one out, but I was concerned about the fact that it says it tastes like a cigarette. I hate cigarettes, and contrary to non-smokers' beliefs, cigars taste nothing like them. I wasnt sure it would work for me, and I expressed that to Tommy.

With a rarely-seen serious demeanor, he said, "Its worth a try, right? You aint worth $9.95?"

He said a few other things, but I was concentrating on keeping my eyes from watering, so I cant tell you exactly what. I just know it had to do with him wanting me to live a long time and hoping I was serious in saying that would be my last pack of blacks. He threw in a lighter to replace a wack one he sold me last week and told me he hoped that would be my last lighter too, which sparked a conversation about me being able to braid and his sister needing her hair braided and how much would I charge her, etc, etc. Random, I know LOL.

Anyway, I left the store feeling some kinda way and hit the back arrow on my Ipod to play DeWayne Woods again, this time intending to really listen to the lyrics, which I seriously needed to internalize at that moment. I really dont remember the walk home. I just remember feeling like I was at a crossroad or...... something.

This morning I had all but abandoned the "one week after I start work" objective, convinced that there was no way I could handle that right now. Then I went to the store and spent ten dollars on my "way" - one I wasnt really looking for. So maybe its time I take the hint. Even more so, time to take some control over something I actually have power over, in the midst of so many other things that I dont.

I sat on my bed and screwed the thing together to try it out, with my baby watching intently.

"Ooh it lights up blue at the end, Mom! Do it again!" Kids are so easily amused LOL.

It's menthol taste is really more like spearmint - thats a good thing - and something in the mechanism creates a kind of choking vapor draw when you pull on it, so it actually does feel like you are really smoking, right down to the water vapor you exhale afterwards that looks like real smoke. It's a lot heavier than my cigars are, so I will have to get used to that, but I think this could actually work. Go figure. The question is, will it keep me from killing people the way my cigars do? LOL That is yet to be seen, but Im definitely willing to give it a go.

I put the e-cig down to check an alert on my phone and found it ironic how it was sitting on top of my Psych book. "The Journey of Adulthood." I'll be damned if mine aint a HELL of a journey.....hence the pic.

As for everything else outta whack in my world, Im speaking victory over it, and letting go of the wheel so God can work it out. Those who know the words of prayer, please keep me in them.

That is all.

Friday, October 21, 2011

One Week In

First week down and my body is killing me. I wore my ankle down today too, out of the office at 9:30 and gone til 3. Thats a full day of walking Manhattan and I think I ate all of Manhattan too, in the process LOL. I definitely need to get my nutrition life together, but I feel like I need the calories now. I find myself literally shaking sometimes when Im out and about, because Im doing so much walking, and its all so fast, trying to keep up with Daddy Long Legs I've been going around with. There has to be a happy medium though. I'll find it. All this walking, I'll be a waif by Christmas. (<--- thats called sarcasm, people LOL)

The midgets little brother and sister are gonna be here for the weekend and Im soooo not in the mood, but I said it was okay, so I guess I better just suck it up. I wish I had realized my final paper was due on Monday before I agreed to it though. I'll just have to find a way to get it done, even if it means I gotta duct tape the kids to the couch LOL (Im just kidding, DYFUS.... kinda.... LOL)

My financial aid advisor has to be the most incompetent dude on the planet. He walked me through the initial process of applying for funds and was fully aware of what I was asking for. Suddenly yesterday, when I inquire about why I havent received my refund from the loan, he tells me I dont have a refund and I dont have enough to pay for my next class cause I didnt borrow enough. WTF you mean, I aint borrow enough? Why didnt you tell me I needed more when I initially sent the form for your review? Andy why does your voicemail say you will get back to me in 24 hours and it ends up being more like 48? And why when I ask you THREE TIMES to call me, you still sending me emails? Ima curse his ass out when I do talk to him. I needed that refund to set me straight with the rent and stuff. Why the devil steady tryna play me? See.... shit like this is why its so hard to stop smoking. Every time Im about to - like Im supposed to by the end of this weekend - some bullshit pops up, right on cue. *smh*

Ay carumba!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I Love New York

OOOOOOOOMG!!!

First of all, my body hurts like I been on the chain gang all day. Ladies, dont be out there killin yaself with that PX90 and Insanity and all that. If you can hang, thats cool, but trust and believe, walking (fast) will work for you too. Inclines and steps are even better, and I did ALL that today, out and about with a couple reps at work. These dudes ... IDK if they just had some long ass legs or they were really walking as fast as they seemed to be, but I felt like I was almost running half the time to keep up LOL. I am not at all exaggerating when I tell you I feel like I've lost an inch off my waist today. My whole shit is burning LOL. My damn armpits are sore LOL. *smh*

But its okay, cause today I saw a little glimpse of heaven.

Im out this morning with one rep and he's got an appt on the 16th floor of a 16-floor building. We get back in the elevator and he decides to canvas the building, since we were already in (for you non-sales folks, that means dropping in on businesses to introduce yourself and attempt to set up meetings with the person responsible for contracting whatever service or product youre selling, or at the very least, finding out who it is so you can call to speak with them at another time). We go down to ... IDK 15 or 14 and what do we stumble upon? The Miss Universe Organization offices. I knew they had to have offices, but it never really occurred to me that they actually had an office LOL (if that makes any sense). I just thought, wow, this is so cool. Someone was in one of the conference rooms getting hair and makeup done by like three people, but I dont even know who the hell Miss Universe is right now, so dont even ask. That coulda been the office manager just feeling herself, IDK LOL.

So we go down another floor. Lucky damn Brand! Jessica Simpson shoes everywhere! And when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. On the tables, behind the couches, in the window sills. It was like Shoe Woo (or one of those other bougie stores) but all white and in a space more living room-like. The guy I was with was talking to the lady at the desk and I was off in another world, just staring. Them shoes was HAWT too! The lady's like "oh there's more down on 8." Word? I see you, 8. We comin LOL.

Down the elevator again - Steve Madden. Didnt see the layout area but the setup was fly!

Down again - Mia Shoes. *smh* The boss was outta town but the assistant was there and at that moment I envied her job soooooooo much, I literally wrote down her name and her boss's name, so I could inquire LOL. I aint even joking.

Down on 8 - parent company, Camuto Group and all the damn BCBG shoes (two different lines) you could ever wanna see in one place, plus the Camuto line. TWO showrooms like the Lucky Brand one. The lady knew we spoke to her counterpart up on 15 so she gave us the tour. The rep Im with asked if people can come shop there (come on son! LOL) and she says no, its just for the buyers at places like Macy's, et. al. She then turns to me and says "These are BCBG Spring 2012 lines."

*dead*

I wanted to take pictures and send em to my friend P so bad but they told me I couldnt. She mighta chained herself to a radiator if she were there LOL. The lady tells me how they sometimes have cocktail parties up there and I was trying my damndest to get invited to one but she was no help. "I cant even get my friends in" she says. DAMN your friends! What about me? LMAO!

Chinese Laundry, Dirty Laundry, Rocawear, Zigi, Dereon Shoes (never even knew there were Dereon shoes).... all had offices or at least showrooms in that building. And down the street, I finally got my first gander at Trump Tower and a real deal Gucci store. Man, it just dont get much better than this!

I was a little disturbed that the Abercrombie store had a velvet rope, red carpet and line outside the door though. That one Im really not understanding.

But this is what I love about being in New York. There is always some sort of surprise, especially when you deal with other corporations and the companies they are affiliated or do business with. I never even think twice about any of these brands outside of the stores. When you get up on their offices, the whole feel is just different. You just wanna be a part of it. It seriously made me wanna rethink my whole professional life LOL.

Ima do some research. I think I wanna work wholesale!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Real Quick Part 2

So my bell rings about an hour ago. Some man is at the door asking if the landlord lives here and all these other questions, talking to my son thru the intercom. I go downstairs to see what the hell he want and he's telling me he is there for "the inspection."

Im sorry, what?

He's telling me something about reassessing the property value. Ok well one, sir, why would you be doing that at night, and without my landlord being present? Wouldnt the owner want to be there? Two, he aint tell me nothing about any inspection, so Im sorry, you will not be coming up in here this evening. Now if you would like to come back some other time, after I have had a chance to verify your story, we can do that. He's asking if I can call the landlord so he doesnt have to make a second trip.

*staring into the camera*

I dont give a damn if you gotta make a second trip LOL. You are NOT coming in my house.

I email my landlord, you know, just checking it out, so if the guy did come back, I would know to let him in. My landlord said they are not aware of any inspection.

*staring into the camera*

Yall be careful, and more importantly, be smart. Check the story out if it dont sound right cause aint no tellin. Fool was probably tryna case the joint.

*smh*

Let him bring his ass back here.....

Real Quick

First day of work was good. The people are really nice, my boss is great, my Blackberry was ready but my laptop was not. Three outta four aint bad. I was bored out of my mind the second half of the day, but I expected that and I expect more of it over the next week. Comes with the territory.

The job - right across from a mini mall. Not good. But Im determined to exercise some damn self-control.

Speaking of self-control, I need to erase the last two days of my take-out life. As long as it takes to lose, it only takes a commercial break to gain it back, so Im reeling it in before I be mad I cant fit into them jeans no more. I expected a small regression when I resumed life outside these walls though, so its still all good. Grocery shopping on Wednesday and all will be well.

About to turn in this paper in a minute, putting an end to week 5 of class, rebraid the front of my baby's hair and then attempt to put my house back together. With any luck, there will still be at least a little time to relax. I swear - I leave the house for 10 hours and its like the day is half gone LOL....

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Updates



****Oh I forgot: Very interesting responses to my "wrongful termination" question (thanks!). I posted it on my FB and got some interesting responses there too. I am pondering a new book that includes such an event and just wanted to see how people felt about it in general.

Still doing well in my Human Development class. The online environment is a little tricky though at first. It took me 4 weeks to work out the timing (Im in week 5).

Im wearing my hair longer than I have in years so I keep thinking something is crawling on me LOL. Its starting to make me look crazy, so if you see me on the street, appearing to have a nervous condition, pretend not to notice LOL.

Im stuck on 11 pounds of weight loss. Im sure water retention has a lot to do with it, so maybe I will have a true gauge after next week, but I gotta tell ya: bloat and all, I slid into these jeans I bought about four months ago or so that I was never able to wear (cause my lazy ass didnt try em on in the store and they ended up being too small) and that was the best feeling ever in life! I remember fighting with them, then feeling woozy when I finally did get em buttoned and having to hurry up and unbutton em again to keep from passing out LOL. Yesterday, them bad boys just slid right on. No fighting with the button, and no dizziness, LOL. I call that a #win.

I start work next week, so Im supposed to stop smoking as of next Saturday. Pray for me cause iono.... LOL.

And lastly, it seems that my landlord has been visited by an Angel of the Lord. He took a couple days to ponder the one email I sent in response to his concerns, but he hit me back tonight to say that we are all good and a huge weight lifted right off my shoulders. So much so that I almost felt lightheaded. I gotta have the best poker face this side of creation, but I cannot tell a lie - I was starting to get a little nervous.

Thank You, Jesus.

With everything thats been happening over the last two months or so, you might wonder why I didnt lead with this news. Well.... I guess because Im tired of not having normal, regular, good stuff to talk about. Im happy. Im getting healthy. Im enjoying my existence on this planet and for once (since this mess began) I just wanted to focus on THAT.

But alas, yes. I do believe I can finally say that the storm clouds are blowing away and the sun is sliding back into its rightful place in the sky of my world. I thought I'd have another rant for yall when this happened - some other "Im a survivor" shit, standing on people's furniture and screaming off my balcony, but you know.... what I feel is just a real serene...... calm. I dont wanna yell or scream or rant or cry or any of that. I just wanna .... I guess..... be.



***

"I dont mean to portray the road as having been easy, it surely has not. I have just grown to know that the trials and tribulations of life can only break you if you let them."

-Doctor Dig

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Effin' Losers

He calls you on the way to work.

He calls you on the way from work.

He calls you while he’s AT work.

He calls you from the mall.

He calls you from the grocery store.

How come he never calls you from home?

You ask him and the explanation is rather lightweight, but so what, he’s now called you from home once or twice…. For about seven minutes each occasion…. And once the phone went dead right in the middle of something you were saying, but no big deal. Calls drop all the time. “I’ll just call back”….. six times….. and he wont answer. Texts aren’t being returned either. On occasion, as he gets out of his car, he says something like “aight, I'm bout to go up in here and I don’t be getting no reception in the building so Ima hit you later.” Later is always tomorrow….. on the way to work….

At work…..

or coming from work,

the mall

or the grocery store.

A man will deny it until he’s blue in the face, but those are signs of a man with another woman at home. I'm not saying its not POSSIBLE there could be another reason. He could have another MAN at home. But we hope not cause I’d have to charge you double for that couch session LOL.

One of my girlfriends came to me with this scenario, and while the details are so similar, she could come in here and think this situation is hers, but the scenario you see here is actually from my own experience.

This dude swore up and down there was nobody else at home, but he’d go all around the block with questions as to why I believed there was before he’d actually STATE that. It was like he really didn’t wanna lie so he had to build up the courage to do so with all the runaround and deflection, and then when he finally got the nerve to bite the bullet, he’d say it. But I had grown to know his responses well enough to know that it wasn’t the truth. The epiphany upset me, because it meant there would be no moving forward, but it was a relief too, because at least I now knew why there had been so many inconsistencies and so little follow through and it had nothing to do with ME.

Dudes that do stupid stuff like this are annoying as hell but its even worse when someone plays the entire role – making plans with you for the future, talking about moving where you live or moving you where they live (of course, we are talking about a long distance relationship) – and THEN the above scenario plays out. That shit is HELL, and I never could understand how a dude could be so selfish as to put a woman through it. You are having your cake and the broken woman is left just holding the knife, not sure if she wants to cut her own throat or yours.

How does a guy even think he can win in that situation? Or does he know he cant in the end but the gratification of having both temporarily is great enough that they are willing to subject themselves to going down in flames later? I guess I get that, but damn…. Utter disregard for someone’s heart? Ruining a perfectly good woman for the next man. And then yall wonder why some women go all “thin line” on ya asses….. *smh*

“The sweetest woman in the world can be the meanest woman in the world…… if you make her that way.”

Chuuuch.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Fiscal Responsibility

So I was talking to one of my friends today and we somehow got around to spending habits, saving habits, and all around fiscal responsibility. I shared with her the biggest fiscal lesson I learned: THERE IS A RIGHT AND WRONG WAY TO SAVE.

I was making stupid money at my last job. STUPID money. I was putting money into my savings account at a rate of $200 a week (automatically drafted from my checking) with additional funds on those weeks I really didnt have anything to pay, but you know what? When my contract ended in July, I aint have a lick of savings. How is that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you how.

I was pretty much tallying up what I had to pay and then putting whatever was left into my savings account (minus the maybe $200 I left in my checking for incidentals). Most of the time, I didnt miss that $200/week, but every so often I would forget about a bill or something would come up that I didnt have the money in my checking account to cover. I would wind up taking the money out of my savings account, then never putting it back. While I had those weeks I had very little to pay, I had other weeks where I needed nearly my whole check for bills, and I'd be dipping into my savings for "living money" for that week. God forbid another unexpected expense arose in that same week, cause I'd put a huge dent in my savings account.

The lesson: even if you think you have it, save in small, consistent amounts every pay cycle. I woulda been fine if I had put it away $50 at a time, week to week. I wasnt gonna miss $50 in any given week. Then after three weeks of pay, if there was still a chunk of it I havent needed in all that time, THEN I coulda moved it over into my savings account, confident that I wouldnt need to go back for it. The object is to have the bulk of your money in your checking account, so you have little or no need to even look at your savings account. Small sums that you set aside will accumulate quickly and you wont even be thinking about it cause you wont need it.

Another thing, CARRY CASH. The reason most people's bank accounts end up overdrawn is because they arent keeping proper track of whats coming out. Most of us swipe our debit cards without even thinking about it, and because its often for small amounts ($2 here, $6 there) we dont think about its impact on our balances. But those small transactions add up. And lets not forget the automatic drafts some of us have. Netflix has fucked me up on more than one occasion, leaving me less money available than I thought I had. Because it comes out of my account automatically, I have a tendency to forget about it until I think I have $50 to cover my $37 wifi bill and find I only have $25 in there. "Dammit, man!" LOL....

When you get paid, pay your bills and take out a lump sum of money for the week. That's an easy way to create a budget and a good way to keep track of how much you're spending. When you get close to depleting those funds, you will be forced to look at your account again before you take any more out, and you wont take out more than you should. It also helps you determine how much you actually spend in a normal week, so when you go over that, you will know you need to rein it in. Try that and see if you dont find yourself in better financial position.

Oh, one more thing: Your checks come with a transaction ledger for a reason. USE IT. Not just every time you write a check, but also anytime you pay a bill or take money out of your account. Its a pain in the ass at first but once you form a habit, it just becomes natural. Taking those lump sums out will reduce how much you have to track though (as opposed to keeping up with little $20 and $30 withdrawals here and there). And keep receipts for anything other than food for at least 3 months. You never know.

I learned these lessons the hard way. Hopefully you wont have to.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hmmmm

Hit me up in my email with responses to this scenario:

You get a new job, say you've been there a few months. You have from time to time mentioned this boyfriend who you love so dearly. People run into you at lunchtime and maybe after work with a handsome gentleman you are hugged up and canoodling with, maybe sometimes kissing. At some point, you attend a company function and bring your ACTUAL boyfriend. Everyone is confused. You have had this boyfriend for two years but this is not the man everyone has been seeing you fraternizing with. Your boss calls you into his office the following Monday and fires you, stating questionable morals and ethics. Is this justified? Should it depend on the type of work you do (whether you work with sensitive information or money)? Or is this an altogether wrongful termination?

doctordig9@gmail.com

Saturday, October 8, 2011

America's Got Talent

My body hurts like hell. Everything from the waist down, my shoulders and my back are all screaming for some Ben Gay, an epsom bath or SOMETHING but I cant muster the energy to do nothing but pop an IB.

11 hours I spent with the midgets at America's Got Talent. ELEVEN HOURS!! And wee were standing for at least half that time, and of course I had on the absolute wrong shoes. Hadnt worn em in a while and they "looked" comfortable but I seemed to have forgotten that the fact that they really arent is why I havent worn em in so long. Im bout to throw them bitches in the garbage..... tomorrow, cause I cant move right now LOL.

My baby sang "Pricetag" and did a really good job vocally, but her performance consisted of tugging on her sweater and rocking back and forth on her heels LOL. My son sang "Just a Friend" (Mario's version) and apparently forgot all the changes we talked about making last night, but he still pulled it off. He went first too in the group (she went second) so he gets points for that as well.

My baby said today was the best day ever and AGT is lucky she felt that way cause I felt a meeting with somebody's boss coming on. They got to see Nick Cannon and Madison Square Garden and The Empire State building, all while auditioning to be on TV so they had very few complaints once it was all over, but even they were exhausted and achy afterwards. We couldnt wait to bring our asses home and now they both in the bed - even Mister 4am on weekends. That oughta tell ya how much it drained us. But all in all, it was a good experience for them and they got to see Mama's support of their dreams up close and personal, so pain and fatigue aside, I'd call it a #win.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Rant: Premarital Sex

So one of my friends posted a status on FB asking about people's take on premarital sex. I read the 40 comments on the thread and decided to inbox him my opinion to avoid all the email notifications likely to come, but as comments continued to roll in, I found myself having a lot more to say and I aint wanna write a book on his thread, so I decided to just blog about it.

I believe all of the people who were against the idea of sex before marriage stood on religious principle, yet, if Im not mistaken, all of them also admitted to their stance being an afterthought of having already had premarital sex, and some having children from those encounters, leading me to believe their positions were more a reaction to mistakes they have made in their own personal experiences, rather than a true perspective of the issue.

One person in particular kept commenting using the term "relationships based on sex" and talking about how you should get to know people first and implying that bad sex should be no hurdle for real love, stating that bad sex cant ruin a solid relationship.

I call bullshit.

This was the comment I inboxed:

"Not commenting on the thread cause I don’t want 800 email notifications but my opinion is that just because a couple has premarital sex doesn’t mean they don’t get to know each other and find other levels of compatibility first, they are just choosing to add sex to that dynamic also. I don’t think anyone is saying its ALL about sex, but anyone who says incompatibility in the bedroom cant ruin a good relationship is in denial or just has never had the experience. That can ruin even the best of relationships, as much as any other irreconcilable issue can. Not everybody is teachable. You can try and they can try but if you need to be loved (physically) a certain way and they just cant seem to get there, its going to be very hard to stay happy with that person, no matter how great everything else is, so they will either leave or cheat eventually. So what, we wait to marry, find that to be a hurdle we cant clear and then kick divorce from 50% to 87%? LOL Or do we just stay married being all passive-aggressive cause he’s kickin in his half of the bills and cooks better than we do? Come on son! I believe God and I think waiting is ideal, but I'm also a realist and that’s just the truth. Hate it or love it, that’s just my opinion."

After reading several other comments that came after, I have this to add...

Even as Christians we have to understand that HE is God and we are mere humans. In our efforts to follow Him, we are conflicted and falter all the time. So we shouldn't have premarital sex but its okay to cuss like sailors, get drunk, and claim other people’s kids on our taxes? We aint at home praying for the bitch at our jobs we cant stand LOL. Sin is sin, so why we actin like this one is worse than any other (and clearly I am a work in progress, so dont judge me LOL)?

Understand I'm not talking about the random, irresponsible sex we might have had in our immature youth. I'm talking about the physical consummation in a committed relationship where everything else you require is ALREADY intact and sex is just another component as opposed to the base of the relationship. Its not just a desire of the flesh, it’s a deeper level of expression and communication and I, for one, wanna know that we speak the same language LOL.

In a perfect world, we would all probably love to say we would work through it forever if its not up to par, but lets be real. This is not a perfect world and we are not perfect people. Maybe its our selfish need to be happy above all else, but there is only so long we gonna work with somebody and stay unfulfilled in that area - or any area, for that matter. A void is a void, whether its sex, support, communication or whatever. Any of those things is gonna become a problem eventually BECAUSE we are only human and we do have that need for fulfillment.

Love aint got nothing to do with it. Simply put, there are just certain things that has to be in a person's 80 as opposed to their 20, and for many, sex better be in somebody's 80. If you are a person who can accept sex being part of somebody's 20 (a shortcoming), more power to you, but relationships fail for many reasons, so lets not act like premarital sex is the root of all evil. I seriously question whether the failure of those aforementioned relationships really boiled down to the fact that they were having sex. I suspect there were other shortcomings in them or their partners that really were to blame and people need to boss up to that and take responsibility.

Am I encouraging sex before marriage? No. Frankly, I dont care what anybody else is or isnt doing in that regard, but it is a personal choice and it annoys me when people try to paint those who make that choice out to be unenlightened heathens. Personally I need full disclosure (or as close as I can get to it) before deciding to enter into the union of marriage because I only wanna do it once. Sex is just another aspect of compatibility, in my opinion, and I wanna know we are compatible in that way before I sign on to a life of sexual frustration, which will only lead to additional issues down the line. But everyone is entitled to their opinions. This just happens to be mine, but again, sin is sin and we are all violators, so let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I'll wait while somebody picks up all these damn crickets...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Devil Is Busy!



So apparently my test isn’t over.

The job is on deck to start on the 17th, and I had spoken to my landlord, letting him know about the loss of the job and everything, so I thought, okay, Ima start my job and then catch up on the rent and carry on business as usual (I haven’t yet been able to pay September).

I get a call 2 days ago from the landlord’s son (he speaks better English and “legalese”) about what my plans were, so I tell him. It seems my plans aren’t quite acceptable, because my not paying them means them not paying the bank, and as much as they would be willing to work with me, being such a good tenant and all, the bank isn’t quite willing to wait.

So I pretty much exhausted all the options I thought I might have over the couple days he gave me to figure something out, and my final and most recent effort was an email to him, asking about the possibility of foregoing my security deposit and using it to cover September rent, and then paying October by the end of the month and starting fresh in November. Caveat: my lease ends at the end of this month. This means, if he does not accept this arrangement (which he implied at first mention of it 2 days ago that he probably wouldn’t) my lease cannot be renewed and I will have to move when it ends….. October 31st.

Did I mention that today is October 6th? LOL

*sigh*

At this point, I cant be upset anymore. I have gone through so many different emotions throughout this entire fiasco, I think I blew my emotional fuse. Or maybe I cried so much last week when I thought all this shit was over there just isn’t anything left. All I can do is start my apartment search and keep faith that I will find something still in this area so my kids wont have to change schools and that will be flexible in regards to the move date and the deposit they will likely require. Strangely enough, I am in good spirits despite it all. My mentality is strictly logistics, no emotion. Emotion seems to be a luxury that my broke ass cannot afford, and it does nothing but distract me from what I need to do. So despite this continued adversity, I continue to smile and keep the faith that everything is still going to be okay. I do request your prayers, however, as psychology tells us that lack of emotion often precedes insanity LOL

Interestingly enough, I had to write a personal journey paper for my Human Development class and of all the positive traits I adapted from my mother, strength in adversity has to be the best of all. This type of stuff doesn’t shake me. I just do what I have to do, and I have always been that way because she was always that way. Odd how I feel she is constantly trying to strip me of that lately, wanting me to retreat so quickly, not understanding that I will never stop trying until there is nothing left. I will never be anybody’s “victim” and the sooner folks (and the devil) realize that, the sooner they can waste their efforts elsewhere.

#iwillnotlose

Sidebar: Once I get [all the way] through this storm, I dont wanna hear another NOTHING from NOBODY about what they cant do. I swear Im slappin the shit out the first person that does...

Email Sharing

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot .....they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell .... brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night - "the graveyard shift" - to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said History was boring?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

R.I.P. Steve Jobs



Arguably the greatest inventor of our time, the Apple Co-Founder and technological visionary lost his battle today with pancreatic cancer.

*fires up Ipod*

Saturday, October 1, 2011

I Quit

I dont think I wanna go into mental health anymore.

Once you get on the phone with someone who is hell bent on killing themselves, and spend any amount of frantic time trying to find the one reason to live that might make some bit of difference to them, and you hang up still not knowing if you got through... and wonder if you will be left to carry the guilt for the rest of your life if you havent succeeded in saving them... you realize you never wanna get that call again.

#wheresmyglass

Friday, September 30, 2011

I'm Learning

You ever wanna do something so bad that you try to line up hoops to jump through just so you can do it? You never even open up your bills when they come but you pull them bad boys out to see which ones you can move around to free up the money you need LOL.

I have been struggling with impulsiveness for as long as I can remember - mostly impromptu travel.

I cant tell you how many trips I have taken over the last ten years that threw my finances into a tailspin for like two months after, just cause I wanted to go so bad. Maybe there was somebody I wanted to see, maybe there was some event I wanted to attend, but most of the time, I just needed to get away. I would say about 80% of those trips proved highly worth it, so when I look at it that way, a little shuffling on the bills for a month or two afterward doesnt seem like a huge price to pay. However, I can recall at least two trips that really hurt my bottom line. One even caused me to get my car reposessed... on Thanksgiving... *smh*

So needless to say, I eventually recognized that I had to stop [some of] the madness. In recent years - although I have admittedly made plenty of other impulsive decisions - I have made only the trips that I had time to plan and stash for, that is, except for last year, when I made a good amount of impromptu trips, but I was also in a position to do so with little impact to anything else.

Today I found myself moving things around and calculating bills down to the penny, trying to free up the dough for the trip I planned to make upstate next weekend. Like I told my girlfriend, I have been feeling like I've been on an island all by myself and I really need to immerse myself in something familiar. I did everything I could to try to make it happen. In the end, I could rationalize the trip, but I couldnt really justify it, if you understand the difference. I was able to "see" the money, but it would have cost me every free cent I had and left me robbing Peter to pay Paul for at least the next two weeks, which on unemployment, is like the equivalent of a month. It just wasnt worth it. Plus I could (literally) almost feel God standing behind me, giving me a side eye, with a backhand slap ready for the back of my head the second I went online and booked a rental LOL. Im serious! I really felt it!

I honestly did wanna go but when the fallback plan was just to go a couple weeks later, its not worth fuckin up the church's money. Yes, I will miss the dedication event at my old high school and probably a shitload of people I havent seen in years, but you know what? I know I made the right decision and that puts me at peace.

There is something to be said for maturity, and at some point, we should all realize that its got nothing to do with growing up. I've been grown for a long time, but to a lot of people - myself included, for a while - that just means the ability to do whatever the hell you want just because you want to and can find a way to do it. Maturity tells a person that if you have to "find a way" to do it and it doesnt involve basic survival, such as food or shelter, it probably isnt worth the trouble.