My Bed Hates Me

And again I've been up since the ass crack of dawn. I think my bed hates me.

5:50 this time. Called myself trying to go back to sleep, but 10 minutes later, my alarm goes off, cause I forgot to cancel it for the holiday. Turned it off, canceled the one that was coming 30 minutes later and again tried to force myself back to sleep. It just was not happening, so I just layed there with my eyes closed and the cover over my head to block out the sun and opened my mind and spirit to everything I knew was coming.

God's time with me is usually in the 4:00 hour, but I guess he's on daylight savings time too LOL. Typically I'd wake up some time in that hour, feeling fully awake, not groggy, not anything - just up. There would be no discernable thoughts flowing through my mind, but I'd know something was happening. 10 or 15 minutes later, I'd go right back to sleep, like it never happened. Wasnt no "right back to sleep" this time, but I think I was having another one of those experiences.

This time, the thoughts were conscious, but I wasnt powering them. I've been going back and forth about some things and had decided to be still until God showed me the direction to take. One of those things, Im now pretty clear on. It might not have been the biggest issue, but definitely the most sensitive. Clarity on the others, I hope will also be coming down the pike relatively soon.

So maybe my bed doesnt hate me. God just loves me LOL and he wants his time with me when he wants his time with me. If its 4 or 5am, hey, you gotta be there for the ones you love LOL. I feel lighter, so I cant be mad, even if I do wish I was STILL sleeping right now.... *smh*

Is it Friday Yet?

I am soooo annoyed. I wish I could go into detail but………… I cant LMAOOOOOOOO!

Don’t worry, you didn’t miss the joke, it really wasn’t funny. Sometimes I just need to laugh at my frustration. Its one of those days when a thunderstorm comes outta nowhere on a sunny day, you have a small umbrella but as soon as you open it, a gust of wind rips it in half cause its cheap LOL and then you run down the stairs, trying to hurry up and get out of the rain and you break a heel in the process, bend down to pick it up and split your pants, stand up too quick and hit your head on a low-hanging billboard sign and knock yourself unconscious LOL.

No, none of this really happened, silly, Im just analogizing LOL. Im not sure that’s even a word, but it is now. You gon learn today LOL.

The bright side…. I got to come in to work late and pretend to be sleep for an extra hour AND lunch is free today. Cant stop being grateful for the little things….. but I sure wouldn’t mind if they were just a little bit bigger LOL. At least as big as the annoyances. That would be awesome. Jesus, can you get on that? Thanks.

LOL

All Again

I been trying NOT to be up since 6:50 this morning.

The sun just would not let me stay sleep, nobody was playing words With Friends and I didnt feel like Facebook, so I guess the natural thing was just to sit up and stare out my bedroom window at what I believe are hydrangea bushes in my neighbor's yard, and just think.

It started out about bills and how I would manage to pay them.

Then it went on to the trip to the grocery store I have to make that should probably happen before it gets too hot outside.

Then it went to the paper I have to write tomorrow using a book I dont yet have and how I need to spend some time on the job hunt today.

A couple of other things floated through my mind and finally the thought of "doing it all again." Not just this move, but my life.

I've said a couple times before I would love the opportunity to go back in time, knowing the things I know now, but damn.... if given the power to change things.... how would you decide what you should or shouldnt do differently?

Some things are easy - like avoiding meaningless heartache, fake friends, and obvious mistakes - but other things are hard...... like children and the person you chose to have them with.... like college and some of the choices you made while you were there.... like choosing love over opportunity..... like staying too long..... or walking away too soon.... like that time in the kitchen.... those 20 years..... or ill-fated good intentions.

Did things work out for the best, or might my life be better had I done these things differently? I'll never know. But my creative mind delights in the possibilities of all the things I might have done..... been. Its much easier than wallowing in the regret of all the things I didnt do..... become. I learned that little lesson on perspectives at a time when life had me on my knees. Might not wanna change that one either.

Mm. Well. Off to the store.

75 cents!

Yo.... half.com is the truth, yall.

I went on there earlier this week and ordered like 6 CD's. Why I only paid like $8 for em all together????? I got a couple of them for like 75 cents. 75 CENTS! Seriously???? Im bout to re-up on ALL my old school music I miss. Clearly, newer CD's are gonna be closer to retail prices - like $8 or $9 - but if you need to recop that Black Sheep or Tevin Campbell somebody got you for back in 95, they got you for the low-low LOL.

AND you know how textbooks are mad expensive? For yall that are in school right now, you can RENT your book for like a third the price. You keep it for however long your class is and then send it back. WTF, you know you aint never gonna read em again anyway LOL. My $145 book cost me like $38 to rent. The business, Im tryna tell you!

Dont say I never did nothing for you LOL.

I just bawled my eyes out

Happy Mother's Day.

Ambivalence

I love my man.

I believe my man loves me.

I love my man, and I believe my man loves me.

I love my man, and I believe my man loves me, but I don’t know if my man and me are meant to be.

He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work – he makes me feel loved beyond measure, he’s emotionally supportive, he’s ferociously protective of me, he cares about my kids, and he’s always willing to talk through our difficulties.

He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work…. but he hasn’t exemplified those things in quite some time. The hard part is that I know a good majority of the void is caused by things outside his control, but there are things within his control that he…. doesn’t. So when do those outside forces go from uncontrollable circumstances to excuses to not do what you know you should? I don’t know. I don’t want life to pass me by while I’m waiting for a pipe dream, but I also don’t want to lose out on the greatest love of my life because I was looking for a level of congruence that it’s quite possible NO man can ever give me.

I asked God to bring me a man of a certain cloth and I believed that God sent me him. But now I am starting to wonder – did He? I mean is this the man God sent to me, or is he just ….. a man?

I guess I ought to be asking Him that.

And him too.

4 To Go

I nearly had a nervous breakdown at work this morning. Nothing in particular happened that set me off – I deal with rude, unprofessional people every day – but I hung up the phone after one of those calls, stared into my laptop screen and realized I really do hate my job. I didn’t do anything for a couple of minutes. I just sat there, staring at my Outlook inbox. The more I sat and stared, the more all I wanted to do was get up and leave…. Leave the laptop….. the blackberry….. the key card….. the AMEX….all of it. Right on the desk. More than wanting to, I felt almost COMPELLED to do it.

Then I got an email from a friend of mine, telling me he thinks he’ll be starting his new job soon. He had been out of work and looking since like December. I told him I was happy he finally found something and reminded myself that its hard out here. I reminded myself how stressful it was to be out of work all last summer and that jobs are easier to find when you’re already working.

So instead, I closed my eyes and sat very still for about 30 seconds. I opened my eyes, typed up a very short email asking my prayer warriors to pray me through this day, then I went into the ladies room to pray myself. I didn’t feel better immediately. I really don’t feel better now.

But the day is half gone, and I am still sitting here in this office. *shrugs*

I guess tonight I need to spend some time on of the more obscure job boards. Employers that troll Monster and CareerBuilder aint shit LOL. They don’t even remember that they already reached out to you and you already told them you weren’t interested. Write something down, damn.

But something’s definitely gotta give.

And lucky me, I have a one-on-one with my boss in about an hour. Guess I better pray through that shit too.

4 down.

4 to go.

*sigh*

OOOOOOMG

So I got an email yesterday from a woman wanting to set me up for an interview. It didn’t contain any specifics about the position, except that it was account management and that it was for Verizon. I figure I’m good with both of those, so I’m like “bet.” We schedule the interview for 9am.

I get to the building this morning and go up to the fourth floor, as instructed. Im looking for “suite 403” but all I see is the large reception area the elevator let out into, a conference room in front of me and what appeared to be offices along the office space on either side of me. OFFICES. Not suites. But all the doors were closed and they all had numbers on em, so I just start walking toward where 403 should be. I got to about 411 before I was called back toward reception. I guess the woman they pay to occupy that space finally decided to earn her check.

I tell her I have an appointment and with whom. She hands me an application and a pen and tells me to fill it out and hand it back to her along with a copy of my resume. Fine.

There’s no one else around at first, except for one of the facilities guys who appeared to be collecting garbage, rolling this huge bin around, and throwing shit in it. Then a guy comes in who looks like he’s about 30, give or take. I look up for a moment, then back down to my form, then back up again when he says he’s there for his second interview. Really? Dressed like that? He’s got on some funny kinda pants and those shoes that look like bowling shoes, except his were brown and looked more like a sneaker than a shoe. He did have on a tie but I didn’t even notice that until he sat down because of the ski jacket he had on. Yeah. Ski jacket LOL

Then a girl comes off the elevator. She looks really young, like fresh out of high school young. She’s in a skirt suit – cute but too tight – and the shirt she wore under the blazer was not only totally wrong for it, but clearly very wrinkled. Her collar looked … depressed LOL. Her hair….. it looked like either she didn’t bother to do it or like she threw it in a ponytail last night, slept on it and just woke up and went. Either way, it was quite the mess. But she was young so I cut her some slack. She at least came in a suit. She obviously had issues though. When he saw her just go and sit down, an older guy who got off the elevator with her told her she needed to see the receptionist for an application. She let out the mother of all sighs, threw her hand up and said “I know….I just….. huhhhhhhhhhhhh”

*staring into the camera*

Fuck wrong with you? LOL She was obviously frazzled when she came in but her reaction was just like…. whoa, bitch. WHOA. I guess she just needed a minute to get her mind right. The fucked up part is I thought she knew the guy, talking to him like that, but turns out she didn’t LOL. He went to the bathroom and then got back on the elevator (apparently there isn’t a bathroom on every floor). She eventually did get up and get an application from the receptionist and when she came back, she put her cell phone on the table and it was cracked all to be damned LOL. I mean on some WTF shit LOL. Like “how can you even see anything through all that damn tape” type shit (no there wasn’t any real tape, but there shoulda been LOL) I just shook my head and gave the lady my paperwork.

Then another guy comes in. He’s dressed nicely in slacks, shiny shoes and a pressed button-up….. but no suit jacket. No attaché. No folder. In fact, he ain’t have nothing but a phone. He looked like he was there to pick up chicks. He tells the lady in his [polish?] player accent that he’s there for his 9am appointment and she gives him an application, but he didn’t even bring a resume to attach. Where did this dude think he was going?

Then an African man. Bout 50. All lost and confused but FINALLY someone in a suit and he too is there for his 9am, which is when it finally dawns on me – how do we all have 9am appointments?

Next to walk in, a woman who’s probably about 50 also, with another woman, probably in her late 20’s. Older lady: bout 5’3, oily, stringy, dirty blonde hair in a ponytail, jeans, some kinda shirt and a track suit jacket. She looked like she had a very unhealthy relationship with her Mary Kay consultant and lives on cigarettes and hooch LOL. Younger lady: bout 5’10 – 5 of which were her heels – painted on jeans, every bracelet China ever exported since the Ming Dynasty and the same fake Louie tote every “classy” chick in NYC owns. Be clear. Im not one of them.

The younger one never said anything so I got confused as to why she was even there. Was the interview for her and the older lady was like….. her interpreter? That thought confused me even further but whats the alternative? I mean, do people really bring an entourage to interviews? I mean…. REALLY? LOL

Two or three other people came in before I finally went into the conference room with the woman who came out and called my name, and they all looked a mess. I had heard one of the earlier arrivals telling the receptionist that he attended some fair in Union City, so I assumed that’s where most of them had been wrangled up. I was way past starting to think I was in the wrong place, but yeah….. it was only gonna get worse.

My resume is online and employers pull it all the time and reach out to me, so it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t remember applying for anything with this particular company. I should have known, however, when the woman on the phone wanted to schedule an interview without even asking me any questions about my background or what I am currently doing or looking for. She was so focused on simply getting me in there, she originally asked me if I could come in THAT DAY. No bitch, I work LOL. That shoulda been my first clue though.

My second clue shoulda been when I actually did read the email (after our conversation) and noticed that she wasn’t from Verizon, but a third party staffing type place. I am pretty sure Verizon does their own B2B hiring.

I was too busy playing "what's wrong with this picture?" to think about snapping pics.......... until this happened....

...Trust me, it looks WAYYYYY better in this picture than it did in person. Im TOTALLY raising her stock right now LOL. My point being, who shows up like that to an interview? A sweat jacket and lunch lady sneakers? Seriously? What am I doing here? LOL

And when the rest of the Get Along Gang started filing in, one by one, looking like a glass of Jack, chased with bad choices, I shoulda just got up and left LOL. I was texting my friend at the time and I told her exactly that – I should get up and leave right now LOL. But I didn’t. So I got dragged into a conference room, a half hour after my designated interview time, to be sold a dream about entry level positions that give way to upper management in this “rapidly expanding company that’s looking for good, capable people.”

Okay so………. You want me to do WHAT again? *squint*

The long and short of it is they were looking for direct sales people. For those of you who don’t know what that is, its residential door-to-door. They wanted me to go to people’s houses and sell them Verizon services – FIOS, etc. Mind you “direct sales” was never spoken to me, but when I said it to her, her face was like “Aw damn – busted.” LOL. Non-use of the term was clearly a conscious effort on her part. Obviously they have run into this before and got smart enough to know nobody with my professional history would even give them the time of day on some damn direct sales. It was all on her face when she asked if I’d still be interested, and I hope it was all on mine as I shook my head and refrained from telling her to bite me.

I was really annoyed initially. I should have found out more about what the opportunity was before I even took the time out of my day to entertain it. But in the two blocks between that building and the PATH, my whole perspective shifted. I started to giggle to myself. I mean I got a lotta fucken nerve, looking down my nose like some job is beneath me. Who do I think I am? LOL I will tell you who I am – I am somebody who aint bout to be walkin no beat, knocking on nobody’s door, peddling the king’s wares, that’s who I am LOL. Fuck you, F & D Group. How bout that? LOL

Real talk though, I am glad to be at a place in my career where I have standards and recognize my professional worth. There was a time I might have put some thought into this work, or even done it. Hell, I’ve sold knives, vacuum cleaners….. LOL. But that was in another life. Not only are there things I just wont do now, but I feel I can have the luxury of being particular. And that’s a really good feeling, you know what I mean? So good, in fact, that I think I am gonna tie up the last few things I need to do today and then go home and find a job I really want and deserve.

#strangeways #makinglemonade

Checking In

I know, I know. I was supposed to post by yesterday, but I really just have not had a spare minute since I got back from Upstate. I got back Monday and I had a paper due by midnight that I hadnt even looked at. I started it and couldnt even finish it, but thankfully, I was granted an extension due to my traveling and was able to turn it in yesterday.

There hasnt been much to blog about in the last couple of days but the New Edition concert was AMAZING. Nobody can tell me every single one of them didnt make eye contact with me - I mean, who's not gonna look directly at the crazy chick with the binoculars? LOL I saw Biv whisper something to Ronnie and he turned in my direction. He probably said "This bitch crazy" LMAO! I dont care, they looked LOL.

It was a really amazing feeling just to be able to say I had seen the show. I mean, yall dont understand how big a deal it was for me to see them. It wasnt Michael, but Im not having any more regrets. Next on the list, Boyz II Men. Ima find me a show some damn where to go to.

But this is an awesome week at work - no bosses! They are all in Florida at some manager's training. Dont you just love the feeling of not having people looking over your shoulder while you are watching youtube videos and replying to Facebook messages? LOL I do. I can even get my Words With Friends on undisturbed. This is the life! Of course, it will be back to reality on Monday but dammit, Im living it up right now!

I was considering going back upstate in 2 weeks for my mama's birthday but I've been traveling 3 out of the 4 weekends in April and on top of that shit being expensive, I am just burnt out. I need to really sit my ass down somewhere. Maybe wash a dish LOL. So Ima sit tight and holla at the folk a little later.

That being said, Ima holla at yall later too. Yall be easy.