Ambivalence

I love my man.

I believe my man loves me.

I love my man, and I believe my man loves me.

I love my man, and I believe my man loves me, but I don’t know if my man and me are meant to be.

He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work – he makes me feel loved beyond measure, he’s emotionally supportive, he’s ferociously protective of me, he cares about my kids, and he’s always willing to talk through our difficulties.

He represents all the intangible things I have always believed makes a relationship work…. but he hasn’t exemplified those things in quite some time. The hard part is that I know a good majority of the void is caused by things outside his control, but there are things within his control that he…. doesn’t. So when do those outside forces go from uncontrollable circumstances to excuses to not do what you know you should? I don’t know. I don’t want life to pass me by while I’m waiting for a pipe dream, but I also don’t want to lose out on the greatest love of my life because I was looking for a level of congruence that it’s quite possible NO man can ever give me.

I asked God to bring me a man of a certain cloth and I believed that God sent me him. But now I am starting to wonder – did He? I mean is this the man God sent to me, or is he just ….. a man?

I guess I ought to be asking Him that.

And him too.