A Toast

I joked in my last post about seeing Jesus and thinking He was coming for me, but Im sitting here on my bed this morning thinking what if He was? What if I had been the only one to see this image coming across the street because I was the reason he came? Are my affairs in order? What would become of my kids? Would the people who mean the most to me know how much I loved them and how they had impacted my life? Would I be missed?

Who are we kidding - hell yeah, I'd be missed! LMAO!

But seriously though... its running through my mind right now, and its probably the most appropriate time, being that a new year will begin in less than 12 hours - not only for the world, but for me personally, being that it's my birthday. The year and my life's reflection came slow this time around, but I am analyzing now, assessing the strides I've made since December 31, 2010, along with the regression and setbacks I've suffered, of which, I must say, have been few. I am happy for that. Still a work in progress, I have come a long way in many aspects. In others.... well, LOL. Like I said - a work in progress.

Tomorrow I will celebrate my 36th year of life on this planet. The day after that I will celebrate my first one-year relationship anniversary in 10 years of dating. The day after that I [officially] embark on my voyage to a healthier lifestyle - not smoking, drinking less, eating conscientiously and spending responsibly. These arent resolutions, as you know I have been on the path for quite some time now, but the end of the year always brings these types of things into technicolor.

I dont even know if I will live another 12 hours, but God willing, I'll bring in the new year at home with my kids, two of my best friends, and a bottle of cheap champagne, toasting the triumphs of the year gone by and looking forward to the possibilities in the road ahead. And in the tradition of "Auld Lang Syne" (translated "Times Gone By") ...."despite the pain in doing so, we must remember and toast to those we've loved and lost in order to keep them close to our hearts" (Fishman, Julie. (2011). "New Year's Eve: Who Knew?" MSN...... <-- see, I learned my lesson LOL). By the grace of God, there were no funeral calls for me in 2010, but I still recognize losses of the past and I do know others who suffered close ones this year, including my mother, who lost one of her last remaining best friends. So a lil liquor to the curb for Sister Delores and all those other folks no longer with us...

MJ, you are still pulling at my heart strings from the great beyond and I will never stop celebrating your genius.

Auntie Judy, I still feel your presence on the train and every time I hear a Heather Hedley song. I miss you every day of my life and I am so glad we had the time we did.

Shaheen, I still cant believe there will be no more bumping into you at Walmart, but trust and believe your friends and family still miss you all the time. #BPort4Life

Zo....*sigh*.....I cant reminisce on the good old days without images of you chewing that damn gum popping up in there somewhere LOL.

Dora, we all still miss your "crazy" LOL. I hope they have lawn chairs in Heaven.

To countless others, gone but not forgotten, a toast to you as well.

To my friends and family, near and far, I love you all with everything in me and I feel blessed to have you in my life. I hope I have been and can continue to be a blessing in yours. I implore you all to do something - ANYTHING - to make this year better than the last. Life is too short to look back and do anything but smile. Even through tears.

Now let's raise these glasses and do it bigger than we've ever done before....

Cheers.

Is That You, Lord?

So we're standing outside the Nuyorican Cafe last night. It was seasonably mild, but it's the end of December, so "seasonably mild" still translates into "cold as fuck" after an hour in a not-moving line some damn where, after walking a million "where the fuck are we" blocks, trying to get there. I was pretty quiet while we waited - mostly because the people behind us were doing enough talking for all of us and I crammed to understand why some people had a baby outside the venue at that time of night, playing and passing him around like it was summer on the set of "Crooklyn."

I was trying to ignore the numbness in my lower extremities, but the later it got, the more I seriously contemplated retreat, acknowledging that the line had slowly begun to move and that this outing was the main reason for our weekend get-together, but believing we had already missed the portion of the event we had gone to see. Growing colder, tired and cranky, I was about two seconds away from saying "fuck it" when something compelled me to turn and look behind me for the ninetieth time that night. I was about to face front again when I said "wait a minute...." and did a double take back across the street. WTF?

Walking up the block was Jesus. JESUS, I TELL YOU! LOL Im talkin bout a white man, bout six feet tall, with long chestnut hair, a goatee and a white robe and braided sash. No bullshit, just like the picture up top. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Especially when he started to cross the street toward the line we were in. No, Lord, not me! Is it my time? Im not ready! was all I could think LOL. I had to nudge my girl to the right of me to make sure she saw what I saw, in hopes of intervening in what, for a moment, I thought coulda been my homegoing LOL. Sure enough, she saw him too, and I realized my other girl had also. By then, the camera phones were out and snapping, but I couldnt even bring myself to whip mine out, relieved that the apparition was merely a look-alike, now nestled in the line behind us. I figured I was safe. Jesus wouldnt be waiting to get in LOL.

The whole incident lasted about five minutes, but it changed the tone of the outing almost instantaneously. Now we were laughing and talking and almost at the door. We finally got in and the last torturous hour and a half of my life all but melted away. The place was small and wall-to-wall packed, forcing us to sit in a corner behind the DJ booth, but I was happy to be there. At one point, as the emcee introduced the next poet to the stage, she told the crowd she needed to run off stage in a certain direction and asked that they make a path. Lo and behold, who is standing in the front of the crowd at that particular time? You got it - Janky Jesus - and with a wave of his hand, he parted the crowd like the red sea LOL. It was awesome! LOL Jokes galore after that LOL.

The slam poets were pretty awesome too, for the most part, although I would have chosen a different winner than the judges did, but hey.... they didnt ask me LOL. Between lagging trains and GPS deficient cab drivers, it probably took us almost two hours to get home, but I would call last night a success. Item one on my NYC bucket list checked off, and I'll definitely do it again...... in the summer.... slightly tipsy LOL.

Merry [Day After] Christmas!

Great weekend upstate. Finally got to be there for more than a day and get around to see some people. Christmas at my mom's was almost actually amicable and the midgets got everything they wanted, so Im happy. Now Im home relaxing and hoping to make the most of this peaceful house to myself for the next 4 days. I dont have to get up extra early to do my daughter's hair and I dont rush home after work so people can eat. I aint got a damn thing to do at 5-something when I leave the office, but just the fact that I could if I wanted to is totally fucken awesome right now LOL.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and on a sidenote......

If I let you know Im gonna be in town, and I let you know Im IN town when I get in town, that is the end of my responsibility. If you cant say in that initial conversation when you are or THAT you are free to hang out, it is then up to you to hit me back if and when you are. I am NOT going to be calling, texting and hunting you down. I have too many people to keep track of for that. For those who take responsibility for that miss, cool. For those that hit me up, mad that Im already back home, chillin on my bed and avoiding cleaning my disaster of a house without having seen them, get your life. You have your priorities. I have mine. I aint mad, why the hell are you?

#seriously

One visit I had has really been sticking with me all day. I went to visit my big brother who I hadnt had a chance to catch up with since I left. We sat in his kitchen catching up for about two hours, reminiscing on my adolescence and the friends I had (which he mentored/coached) back then and all the crazy teenage drama we had and it was a blast. Before I left, he told me that I was always special and he always felt a need to protect me. It really meant a lot to hear him say that, because it validated the relationship we have always had and why it was so important that I caught up with him on this trip. He gave a lotta people hell - including me - but I dont know how I would have fared in my wonder years without him always looking out. He's a lot of the reason I survived my crazy mama and all the teenage traps a lot of my counterparts fell to. I really appreciate his role in my life and one of these days, I hope I'll find some way to show it...

Message!

Updates (Thanks, P)

Credit: I've printed out the letters, but still havent filled them out for the individual creditors and bureaus. I kinda forgot at one point, and then I went outta town for an exhausting week of training, and this weekend, I just needed to catch up on some rest, so I didnt do much of anything. I am resolving to get it done some time in the next two weeks though, so to make sure I do that, I am setting myself some calendar reminders. Sidebar: calendar reminders are the difference between doing and not doing. Get in the habit.

Weight Loss: I've been eating like shit for the last couple of weeks but to my surprise, I've only gained back 5 pounds. If I buckle down, I can still be on track to hitting that solid 20 by the end of the year, and since Im broke and likely to be living off top ramen for the next week, that's totally possible LOL.

New Year's/Birthday: I still havent really slid into my time of reflection, but Im sure its because I've had so much going on. It will probably kick in right after Christmas, when Im home alone for the week. Im uber excited about my girls coming down to spend that weekend though. I really miss the nights at the crib, drinking and laughing about the bullshit in our lives. Its the downside to moving away, but Im at least secure in the knowledge that these are my FRIENDS. Not associates or acquaintances.... people who I know want the best for me and support my choices for my life, while keeping me included in theirs. Now I just need them to all get webcams so we can cyber drink together on those long call nights, and all will be right with the world.

Detox: Im laying off the booze (other than what might be required to help me get to sleep, since I've had some trouble with that lately) in an effort to thwart my desire to smoke. When I was in Philly this week, I stayed in a smoke-free hotel, so I had to go outside if I wanted to smoke, which at 20-30 degrees, was only happening once or twice, in the car, with the heat on LOL. That limited me to about one a day, and I survived, so I know I can do it. I just gotta get outta my own head. January 3rd is my deadline (there are sensible reasons for the off-date) and if I dont start getting my mind right now, it aint gonna happen. I have to learn to keep the promises I make to myself like I keep those I make to others, and the truth of the matter is I havent been very good to myself in that regard. That changes NOW.

The other things Im lightweight working on havent been mentioned here, so I wont start talking about em now. Suffice it to say, they are in progress as well and I see a great 2012 on the horizon. I hope all you "resolutionaries" are getting your houses in order as well. Word to the wise: nobody's gonna make it better FOR you.

#justdoit

Diggin in the Crates

Yall might remember these guys best from the movie "Lean on Me" singing the school song in the bathroom. A lotta people dont realize they actually were a group that was later signed by SBK records (who? LOL), but they were one of my FAVORITE groups from the 90s. They shoulda got bigger than they did, but as one with an affinity for the obscure, they still have a special place in my heart. I had a thing for the jheri curl in the first vid (below) and the tall, yellow one with the lightbulb head LMAO! (shhhh, dont tell nooooooobody LOL)

This was their first release....





This was their follow up....

FUMING!!!!

I am so muthafucken mad right now, I dont know what to do. This entire weekend has been an exercise in fuckery, but things were slowly starting to level out until a few minutes ago.

Im back in my bed, trying to relax so I can get up for this 6am drive to Philly in the morning, when I figure I oughta look at my assignment that's due tomorrow to see if I need to start working on it early. While Im in the system, I remember I havent checked my final grade for my class that ended last week. Grades gotta be posted by now, right?

I go into the gradebook and didnt this bitch give me a 0 for my final project???? A FUCKEN ZERO! ARE YOU FUCKEN OUTTA YOUR MIND???

So I go to the notes section where she explains her grading and this bitch got the nerve to tell me I plagiarized somebody else's work... almost every part of my paper seemed to be an almost exact regurgitation of someone's previously submitted assignments.

Yeah bitch, MINE!

My understanding is that they have some kind of system or database they run each submission through that can somehow detect similarities in word or pattern to previous submissions, scholarly text or online information. Im guessing my paper came back showing similarities - TO MY OWN SHIT - and she assumed that I must have taken it from somewhere else, when a fucken college professor should have sense enough to look at my own previous stuff before jumping to such a conclusion.

I mean think about it. How in the fuck could my final paper be an almost exact regurgitation of somebody else's shit when I dont get to see anybody else's shit? Discussion stuff I can see, but I have no visibility to their assignment submissions. My final task was basically a summary of all the stuff we did over the last six weeks, so my project was a compilation of information I gathered for discussions and assignments over the course of the class. How easy is it to just look? Pretty easy right? Well apparently she felt it easier to just assume I cheated, and in so doing, had the nerve to submit some kind of cheat report on me to the school. ARE YOU FUCKEN SERIOUS??? You dont think you should check things out before you do some shit like that which could affect my ability to even be in this program???

I.
AM.
HOT!!!

This shit for real makes me not even wanna take no more fucken classes, but I know withdrawing is not a sound decision made in such an emotional place. I responded to her "concerns" with some of my own, and directed her to do what she should have done in the first place - check my previous work. She WILL change my grade, or I will be submitting a report of my own.

PSA: To Call or Not to Call: That is the Question

I know we have discussed this before, but clearly some folks missed the memo, so let me run thru this one mo' 'gain....

It's probably not a good idea to call me between the hours of 5pm and 6:30pm, Monday thru Friday. For one, I am generally commuting during some portion of that time. For two, Im just getting off work and you cannot anticipate whether or not I had a shitty day and dont wanna be bothered with your bullshit. Under no circumstances should you call me during this time "just to say 'hey'" or "see what I've been up to." I've been up to working all damn day and fucking with these rude ass New Yorkers, trying to get home without having to make a pit stop at the local precinct LOL. That type of shit can wait til 7.... at least LOL. Can I get in the door and take my shoes off, damn?! If its a quick question, text it. If I dont respond, your question was stupid LOL.

I had the most stressful 4-6 ever last night, primarily due to the bastard who forced me to cancel my debit card behind their fraudulent shenanigans, and when I did finally make it home, all I wanted to do was sit down and have a REALLY stiff drink. My apologies to the call I totally ignored, but this decompression process should never be interrupted LOL.

Monday and Thursday nights I have assignments due by midnight, so that's probably not a good time either. Text me. If its important, I'll take a break and hit you back.

Stop calling me, LISTENING TO THE WHOLE VOICEMAIL GREETING, and then not leaving a message. Who does that, Rentacenter? LOL Once the voicemail comes on, just hang up. It aint like you're calling my work phone, where my message might say something like "I will be out of the office the week of December 12" so you know not to keep calling. My greeting never changes. You gotta know that once you get to the beep, a message is gonna register on my phone. So why aint there no fucken message, Rentacenter? Cut it out!

Yes, there are other random occasions where I can SEE you are calling and I simply wont pick up, but these are the main ones. maybe Im being a bitch about it but..... I really dont fucken care LOL. Everybody has their moments, at least Im telling you in advance what you're up against. The good news is, if you do get me, or I do call you back, I'll probably be happy and bubbly. That's good, right? I think so. So work with me, people. Help me help you LOL.

That is all.

NUYO!

So the year is coming to a close, and with that comes another birthday. For the first time in a lotta years, I didnt have major plans.... any plans, really.... but my bucket list blog prompted a couple of my girlfriends to decide New Years was ripe for a roadtrip.

We plan to knock off some of the touristy things I mentioned, which will be cool, but the big deal for me is the night at the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe. I have wanted to go there for such a long time and just never did, but I'm finally gonna do it.

I've recruited a couple of other friends to come with, including a good friend of mine who is one of the most intense erotic poets I have ever heard. I almost hope he comes equipped with something to rattle off during the open mic, because I've read his stuff, but I've never seen him perform one. Then I got to thinking..... Dig.... how amazing would it be to get up on stage yourself? How awesome would it be for the first and only time you have done a spoken word to be at the muthafucken Nuyorican Cafe???

Then I remembered hyperventilating, fighting back vomit and nearly passing out after the last time I was on stage performing in front of a room full of people and I came to my senses LOL. Sure it was 17 years ago and it worked out for a crown in the end, but the point is, I have horrible stage fright and I really dont think I could do it. Strangely enough though, Im still thinking about it.

I wont make any promises, and frankly, the smart money would be on me NOT doing it, but the thought makes me smile. These days, that's enough.

The Cost of a Two-Step

So Im at work today right... lol... and Im about to go to lunch, so I think hey, let me check my account to see where Im at before I go ballin on the buffet. The last time I checked my account was about three days ago and I really havent spent much since then, so imagine my surprise when I find my balance is not what Im expecting to see.

I scroll down through the transactions - mostly nickel and dime stuff - until I come to this debit thats still processing. $250. WTF??? I know for a fact I didnt make any $250 purchases or payments since Friday, yet this transaction was processing from yesterday. I didnt recognize the name of the merchant either, so naturally, I call my bank.

Twenty minutes later, my card has been canceled and another one issued, and I have to call the number they gave me for the merchant, because since the payment is still processing, the bank cant do anything yet. Cool. I call the merchant.

Dont you know this $250 was done through one of thoses Groupon or Living Social type things for some muthafucken dance lessons???? DANCE LESSONS???? WHAT??? LOL Who the fuck pays $250 for dance class? Well I aint never taken a dance class, so maybe I just dont know, but I guess it dont matter when its somebody else's money.

The merchant said they reversed the charge and to check with my bank tomorrow. You bet your ass Ima check with bank tomorrow, Mister. He said he would do an investigation to get as much info as he could about the purchase so I could file a police report, but the report might end up filed against me if I actually find out who ran my shit. *earrings off* Oh, bitch, you wanna STEAL? LOL For real? Okay, LOL. Well dont you worry bout stealing nothing else cause Ima give you this here ass whoopin FA FREE...