Man. Today was.... a lot. 5 hours out of my 8-hour workday were conversations of the heaviest proportions, my energy is just..... UGH. Don't get me wrong, they were good and necessary conversations, but I am just so drained. Needless to say, I got NO actual work done.
Why do people do that? Say "needless to say" and then say it? LOL Random. Nevermind.
It's a Bacardi, black and Pandora kinda night. I need to get my energy together. Don't take unanswered calls/texts personally.
Get out of the habit of explaining yourself.
You don't need to qualify your "no" for the benefit of the person on the other end of the conversation. Truth be told, you're doing that for YOU. It's a sign of insecurity. Someone who doesn't want you to make the decision you're making is going to try to dispute your reasoning in an effort to get you to change your mind, and if you're really gut-wrenchingly honest with yourself, you want them to. You subconsciously want to feel like they didn't want to let it go, but the fact of the matter is, in many cases, they just don't want to let you go on YOUR terms. They'll pull you back in, waste a shitload more of your time and have you mad at yourself in the end that you didn't just follow your gut in the first place.
It's crazy how often black women, in particular, do this. It's not that it's not understandable because we've been conditioned to take care of everyone but ourselves, so when we make a decision for ourselves that we know might make someone else feel a way, we automatically prioritize the other person's feelings over ours. This isn't so much insecurity as it is culture, but you have to understand how you're still doing yourself a disservice. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to stand on your word when it's given.
It's one thing if you're uncertain and you need a little more information. In that case, there needn't even be any definitive stance taken (out loud) but the second you determine that something isn't for you, let your "no" stand alone. Stop creating space for someone to manipulate you.
Example:
[After some unsettling conversation with someone you just met, you don't feel comfortable proceeding with getting to know each other]
The Wrong Way
Them: So, this is done then?
You: Well yeah, because I just [insert reasoning here].
Them: [Insert dispute].
The Right Way
Them: So, this is done then?
You: Yes, it is.
[Understand, you may still get some feedback at this point, but more often than not, it won't be the type of feedback that threatens your stance.]
Again, stop creating space for people to manipulate you. By the same token, ladies (and I think I've spoken about this before), stop putting "LOL" after everything you say (text obvi). If you meant that shit from the depths of your soul, you just said WTF you said. "LOL" after everything is also insecurity, and creates a climate within that interaction where you don't seem confident. It's an unlabeled request for permission to say what you're saying. PLEASE stop doing that. Especially those of you who are on a quest for self love and identity in this crazy time. It's a very easy way to start feeling better about yourself, though it does take conscious effort and intentionality to break the old habit.
You have a right to be definitive.
You have a right to express yourself.
You have a right to rebuke anything and anyone that does not feel good to your soul.
Just remember that "No" is a complete sentence. Put a period after it.
Sitting at my desk with "Just Once" on loop. Nothing's wrong and it isn't currently relevant in my life, except that it was one of my very first favorite songs and I find myself lately holding fast to all the things I associate with warm fuzzy feelings. A joy. A peace. Simpler times. This song, for me, is definitely that. I had to be what - 5? 6 maybe? I'm sure I didn't know what the words meant, but James Ingram's voice spoke to me, even then. It's makin me giggle just a little now, remembering how for years I thought his name was Quincy Jones. Then some other song of his came out and I was all "Quincy Jones" and my mama was like "Girl..." LOL I was so confused, trying to understand how somebody could have an album with somebody else singing all the songs. But I learned the name James Ingram, and I could identify his voice in a single note from then on.
It's probably playing for the 9th time, but I'm hearing it a little differently now as I scroll through my social media....
"Just once. Can we figure out what we keep doing wrong?
Why the good times never last for long...
Where are we going wrong?
Just once. Can we find a way to finally make it right?"
I know absolutely nobody else is going to make the connection - it's fine - but as I'm scrolling, I'm just thinking what would happen if all you could see were the posts, and not who posted them? Why can't the message just be the message? Why do we put our stamp of approval (likes) on bullshit simply because it's from the homie, and scroll past something that genuinely moves us because it's from a person we don't really bang with anymore? A better question is why do we stay connected to people we don't really bang with anymore? I know there are reasons for one or two that we probably can't even verbalize - history, a love, a respect, a.... something that won't let us cut the rope - but by and large, them muhfuckas have zero significance to your life, past or present. So why do we stay connected? Why don't we delete all the people whose every post make us roll our eyes? Why do we do that?
In this case, the question is far more important than the answer. Much of 2020 has been that way. I think we're missing the message, people....
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