Grief is so complicated. As much as you're hurting, life is still happening, and you have these moments where you want to laugh or celebrate something but you can't. At least, you feel like you can't. At times, you even actively push against it. But I had a revelation over the weekend....
A loss doesn't require you to be in this perpetual state of sadness in order to honor it.
Laughing with people you love or taking a moment to celebrate an accomplishment you've worked hard for doesn't cancel out your grieving rights. You don't have to feel guilty for abandoning that hole for just a little while, to remember YOU'RE still here. When you're done laughing and celebrating, that hole will still be there.
But you'll find it's not quite as deep as it use to be. Some of that laughter and celebration filled this hole just enough that you can no longer fit inside. So now you just sit beside it, tethered by the immense sense of loss you still feel. It's like a giant magnet, just compelling your emotions to it. Then something makes you smile, or cry happy tears and that hole gets filled up just a bit more. And then more. And then more. Until finally that hole is so filled in that the magnet no longer compels you.
I've learned that this is how grief works. In the beginning, you're shackled to your loss - near-paralyzed, unable to move forward or even out of that space. Eventually, the loss becomes shackled to you. So there needn't be any fear of moving forward - you will take that loss with you wherever you go. The idea that at some point you'll be all "sadded" and cried out, and that this will be your signal to carry on with your life is just ridiculous, still we all kind of feel that way for a good while before we realize how ridiculous it actually is.
So, I guess it's time to move on away from this hole. *Sigh* Come on, neph. Let's go.
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