Platonic Love

Platonic love is so underrated.

That's it.  That's the post.

If "Girl, fuuuuuuuck you" Was A Post

I had a conversation recently that really left me baffled, so I feel it prudent to reissue this PSA for anyone who may be unclear.

When I love you, I love you with all my heart.  When I don't, I do that with all my heart too.

I KNOW I've written about the positions I play in people's lives and any friend of mine or person who has come to know me to any true extent knows how much I value my personal relationships.  I take them very seriously and violations very personally.  That being said, I'm also a communicator and reasonable person, so there is rarely a situation I'm not willing to at least try to work through if I care about a person, but those situations DO exist.  

There ARE times when I won't have shit else to say to somebody.

There ARE times when I won't wanna hear shit they got to say to me.

Both times, I'm DONE-done.

It ain't hate, it ain't beef, it ain't ill will.  It's just over.  

I'm not gonna talk about you.  I'm not gonna ask about you.  You no longer exist to me.  I didn't think this was a difficult concept to grasp, so either I'm wrong about that or I just needed to say it a little louder for the people in the back.  

Don't come looking for me for NOTHING.  I promise I ain't checking for you, NEVER.

#Boom

 

And this is why I say everybody's fair game on this blog.  Feel how you feel.  You don't wanna be called out as a douchebag, don't be a fucken douchebag. 

You Choose

 

The Patriarchy

OMG, I'm so annoyed, but let me back up a bit.

So Ready To Love is this dating show on OWN that I and a couple of my girlfriends watch every week and then chat about.  There are typically 20 [black] men and women brought together to get to know each other with the objective of hopefully finding love with someone in the end.  I like the show because the group is older (mostly mid-30's to late 40's) and IMO more representative of what real life looks like.  Some have children, some have been divorced, some have been career-focused and haven't dated in 10 years - shit like that, and a lot of the issues that surface in the process are reflective of actual situations you might find yourself in when dating out in the world.

This season, there was a woman with 2 men interested in her all the way to the end.  Each of these men also had another woman they were interested in (5 people in total here, keep up lol).  Throughout the course of the show, people were narrowing things down in an effort to choose who they want to try to make it work with.  This chick told both of the men that she couldn't choose.  We're in the last week and she isn't ready to make a decision.  So the guy who was her top choice all show basically said, "Well since you don't know, I'm going over here to who does know," and he chose his other woman who he was equally into.  Her other guy initially said the same, but he was so smitten with her that he changed his mind and chose her over his other woman.  So now this woman has only this man but she won't let go of the fact that the first dude chose someone else.  That's about all the backstory you need to meet me where I am.

So I'm talking to one of my girls about the reunion show where all this was discussed and everyone explained their positions and why they did what they did.  This is what my girl said to me: 

"I was feeling for Kyra a bit during this episode, in the conversation with Jason and her. Like he kept saying he wanted her to make a decision, and she couldn't cause she said she hadn't made one, and that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her. Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her? That ish be pissing me off now. The patriarchy!!!"

I couldn't control my face.  The patriarchy? LOL  And what the hell does any of this have to do with a double standard?  

"that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her."

Listen.  He didn't decide for her, he decided for HIM, the same way you have a choice when some man can't seem to make up his mind about you.  It's not the patriarchy's fault if you choose to sit around and wait for him to decide if he wants you or not.  

Also, I'm a big believer in doing what's best for you, so if Kyra thought the best thing for her was not to decide before she's sure or ready, I'm good with that.  Maybe neither of these men were really right for her at the end of the day.  But you can't then be mad at the other person for not choosing you.  YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM EITHER. 

"Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her?"

Guess what?  There is no double standard.  You, she, ANYONE can date and like 2 people at once and nearly everyone on this show has at some point had 2 interests.  The issue is, this isn't real world dating where someone could essentially do that indefinitely, or at least take their sweet time deciding who they want to be with.  This is a finite process with a predetermined end date.  So if we're at the end and you're telling me you don't know - especially when all this time you've been saying I'm your top choice - I'm out too.  Cause now you just look like you're playing games.  

It's not the show I wanted to talk about though, it's the ideas highlighted in pink which came up in our conversation.  These are real life points that a lot of women are missing, thereby causing their own pain and frustration.  I admit, I was guilty of this victim mindset too - for a very long time - until I finally realized that nobody was imposing these "rules" on me but me.  Why do women put all the power in the hands of the men they're dealing with?  

Newsflash: YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.  If he's not choosing you, sis, BOUNCE.  Leave his confused ass right where he is and move on to another guy that's not gonna waste your time.  Standards aren't only about appearances and what someone comes to the table with; they're also about how we want to be treated.  They're about [often] unspoken contracts between interested parties until they are no longer interested.  Once that shit is no longer what you signed up for, break the fuck out.  You don't have to be dismissed or given permission, just go. You don't need a final word or position to be taken by him - GO.  You can absolutely do that.

And I'd love to see where it says that a woman can't date 2, or even 3 people at a time.  The fact of the matter is that men do it MORE, and more consistently, so it's attributed to them more, but plenty of women do too.  I, myself, dated 2, even 3 men at a time consistently over the course of about 15 years.  [Sidebar: this is why I tell yall stop making dumb ass assumptions about single people.]  Some believe the difference is biological - that women are just most often "wired" to lock on to one guy that they like.  I don't dismiss that thinking, however I believe it more likely to be conditioning.  In that regard, we might be able to work "double standard" in here.  A majority of women have been indoctrinated that this behavior is unladylike and even reckless, but while they're clutching their pearls at the mere idea of dating around, being the powerless victim in the situation is just breaking their own hearts and fucking up their self esteem.  I also attribute some of it to society and today's dating landscape.  Women tend to believe that there are very few good men left so when they find a viable candidate, they cling to him like he's their last and only hope.  It's absolute bullshit that is very much perpetuated by (here we go, friend lol) the patriarchy.  It's a control mechanism, as trivial as it may sound, but maybe that's a conversation for another time.

Bottom line, wield your power.  Make choices for yourself and stop blaming other people for whatever choices you do make.  Most of all, understand that even not choosing, is choosing  Stop being the victim.  I hear it's highly unattractive.

PSA: It's Not About You

PSA: 

If you're going to reach out to lend support to a friend or loved one dealing with a sensitive situation, please take a moment before you reach out to remind yourself that this is what you're doing.  Remove yourself and your feelings from the conversation because it's not about you.  As natural as it may feel to express how helpless you feel, how hurt you are or how you don't know what to do, don't.  The last thing someone going through something wants or needs is to now to have to help you manage your feelings.  It can even come off disrespectful or offensive; as if your pain even remotely compares to theirs.  It's selfish and it's insensitive.

It's also counterproductive to what you intended - if it's what you truly intended.  I say that because some people's motivation isn't genuine, whether or not they realize it.  The need for attention is so ingrained in some folks that they aren't even aware when they are doing the right thing for the wrong reason.  So just take a moment to remind yourself that you're reaching out to LEND support, not receive it.

That is all.

Something New

I wrote this on July 1, 2009, back before this blog existed.  It popped up on my FB memories and reading through it took me right back to that moment.  Bittersweet, but the message still stands: something has to end in order for something new to truly begin.  What do you need to bring closure to in order to start anew?

So its just after 4pm and its been a long day. I know that my pit stop is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of home, so everything in my body is saying "Just do it tomorrow." But its been 5 days since I took on this responsibility, and if it were me, I'd be bitching a fit by now, so I suck it up and head out East.

Im not thinking too much about it on the way there - too busy planning out the rest of my weekend, figuring out what to change into for the suaree tonight and wondering if so and so is really gonna call like he said he would - you know, that sort of thing.

I pull up to the mall, somewhere in the vicinity of where I think I need to go, park and get out, still unassuming and on track to getting this over with, as to go on with the rest of my day. Now where the hell is it, I think to myself.... Ok, I think its this way.

I continue about 100 yards, to the place where the corridors intersect, and suddenly I see him. His back is to me as he's engaging in lighthearted conversation with what appears to be a potential customer, and out of nowhere, my eyes start to well with tears. What the hell???? I stopped for a couple of seconds to get myself together, not sure where the emotion was coming from, and approached the counter, envelope in hand.

A couple of seconds pass before he turns around and he smiles at me. He extends his hand - he's been expecting me. I give him the envelope and without warning, the tears are back.

"So this is it huh?"

I nod.

"Im happy though, its been 3 years."

"I know," I say,"but still. I feel kinda...."

"I know," he says. "It's awkward. But its been a long time coming. I mean, what ya gonna do, ya know? I'll always love her though..... I'll always love her."

I give a half-hearted smile and lower my eyes as I say goodbye and head back the way I came. My eyes were still burning, trying to release the tears I was determined to keep from falling. I got back in the car and just sat there, heart breaking, for just a few minutes, then pulled out to begin my solemn ride home.

I served my best friend's husband with divorce papers today, and a little of me died inside. Ironic really when you think about it. We know something just has to happen - its necessary - and we even WANT it to happen, but when it does, it evokes all kinds of emotions that we never thought it would. I wont say anything negative about the man, I just wont, but I was and am still glad my friend finally did what she had to do to sever the ties to that piece of her life and be able to really move on in the one she has already begun. But still and yet, the idea of something that was supposed to be forever coming to an end - and me being the catalyst for its final chapter.... it kinda took the wind out of me.

But who more fitting than someone who has been almost exactly where she has? Different man, different circumstances, no paperwork, but in a longstanding relationship that yielded children and joint responsibilities that somehow managed to burst into flames when no one was watching. And I asked myself a lot of questions as I drove that Im not sure I will ever have answers to. But I guess at the end of the day, something always has to come to an end in order for something new to begin...

Garbage and Recyclables

Years ago, my mother bought my daughter this beauuuuuuutiful mirror.  It looked antique - one of those mirrors you see in old movies or at somebody's grandma's house.  It had an artfully-crafted wooden base that came up on two sides, with the oval-shaped mirror, framed in the same beautiful wood, securely fastened between them.  I've always thought it was the most beautiful, most classic piece in this entire house.  I loved it.

Over the weekend, my daughter and I did some spring cleaning.  Part of that process was a makeover of her room, which she felt she had outgrown.  She was 9 when we moved here so at 19 now, I completely understood.  We ordered a bunch of stuff last week including a mirror for her wall which mimics the very cheap and unremarkable one hanging over my closet door.  I'm sure I didn't pay more than $15 for it at Wal-Mart however long ago, but hers arrived slightly more expensive, heavier and a bit more upscale, though still no comparison to the mirror my mother bought her.  I hadn't even thought twice about it until I came into the kitchen the next day and saw the wooden mirror standing in the corner where we keep our garbage and recyclables.  I called out to my daughter and asked her if she really intended to throw it out.  She confirmed.  I stood there looking at the mirror for a few seconds like no, we can't just throw this away.

I picked the mirror up and walked it into the living room, looking around for somewhere to put it.  There was obviously nowhere to put this very classic work that made sense in my very contemporary living room.  So I picked the mirror up again and walked it back to my bedroom, trying to find a place for it.  Sadly, there wasn't one.  I looked over at the cheap mirror hanging over my door and the fact was, as basic as it is, it better suits my purposes.  I hadn't considered the size of the mirror - made for a child.  I couldn't get a head-to-floor reflection, so she obviously couldn't get one either.  Now it made sense.  "We could put it in the laundry room," my daughter suggests.  It was ridiculous, but she was trying to help.  I sat on my bed for a few minutes, just looking at the mirror and coming to terms with the fact that it had to go.  I made my peace and carried it back to the corner of the kitchen where we keep our garbage and recyclables.

For the rest of the weekend, I cooked with my music on in that kitchen, checking myself and dancing in that mirror that almost seemed to know its time was coming to an end.  I made a point to stop and look into it every time I passed it yesterday and for the final few times as I passed it today.  My work day coming to a close, I sighed at the sight of it from across the room.  Time to take out the garbage.  I found solace in the fact that it was a beautiful mirror, flawless in every aspect, and that we live in a neighborhood where people driving by will stop and pick up things at the curb that appear to still be useful.  I had hoped with all my heart that some passerby would stumble across it and snatch it up pretty quickly, but 2 hours later, it was still at the curb where every week, we put our garbage and recyclables.  

I was beginning to tire of peeking out of the window, checking, but I couldn't just leave it unattended.  What if some knucklehead group of kids came by and decided to throw rocks at it or something?  It wouldn't be any good to anyone.  So I watched over it anxiously, while also waiting for my Drizly order, which was an hour late (that's a liquor delivery service, for those who may be unaware).  I kept thinking to myself I knew I should have used my usual place.  That $6 I saved would have been worth spending to be able to have a drink in my hand right now.

Then suddenly this sweaty Hispanic guy, on his phone, strolls very slowly up to my front door.  I remembered him from the last time I chose to save $6 - Drizly.  Not wanting to appear overly eager, I sat in the window and waited for him to call.  

"It's Drizly, your delivery is here."

"Okay, thank you," I say, then head downstairs to meet him.

"Sorry for the delay, and thank you for the tip!  Have a nice night!" 

"No problem.  You too."  

I head back upstairs and return to my perch, only to find the delivery guy slowly walking from my door to the curb.  He lifted up the mirror and walked it down to the already-open trunk of his SUV before carefully placing it inside and then driving away.  I can't begin to describe how it felt to watch him handle it with such care.  I also can't begin to explain why it felt like he had literally just saved my live by saving our mirror from the garbage truck.  In that moment, he had been my stress turned relief.  My frustration turned peace.  

I didn't even know where I was going with this when I first sat down to write this.  I just knew I wanted to tell this story.  But in doing so, I think there is a deeper message to be gleaned and it's oddly SUPER relevant to my life right now:

Don't just wait, be patient.  No need to watch over what you've set in motion.  There's definitely no need to watch over what the universe has in store.  For my religious people, when you give it to God, let it go.  For my ambitious people, trust the process.  For those manifesting that love or that life you want, just believe that it is already done.  Whatever you put out there is on it's way, you just have to be patient and trust that it will happen.  Also, not every "bad" or aggravating or annoying situation is what it appears on the surface.  If you allow, those situations just might become blessings.  Stay grateful and keep a willing mentality and your garbage just may become recyclable.

Mea Culpa

Speaking of accountability.....

By sheer happenstance, I came across a series of emails yesterday that I had completely forgotten about.  They were nearly 10 years old (and one was from 2006) so no wonder there, but I truly delighted in the content.  The details are immaterial but those emails stuck with me all night.  How fitting that the sky opened up at some point and the storm, along with the darkness, set the perfect scene for a Black Jack night - what I affectionately call an evening of sipping Jack Daniel's, smoking a cigar and listening to music while reflecting on whatever is on my mind.

My thoughts went back to an apology I recently issued to the person on the other end of those emails, which was for a specific thing they didn't even feel I was wrong about.  Last night, I realized how wrong I actually had been throughout the course of our relationship.  I don't think I've ever told this person that I blamed them for certain circumstances that had me in my feelings for so long, but I 100% believed them to be at fault and I felt a whole WAY about it.  It almost ruined our friendship, I felt so strongly, but the bond between us was able to carry us through.  The conversations those emails brought back to me were proof that the blame was mine.  I tell you - perspective is a motherfucker.  

I think another apology is warranted, whether or not they think there's anything to apologize about (they likely don't).  It's important because my previous perception of reality colored how I viewed this person and they didn't deserve the energy I know that sometimes came with - even if they didn't notice.  I knew it was there.  And the biggest thing for me, notably much more self-aware than average, was the realization that even though I lent myself to the idea that maybe they hadn't done anything wrong, it didn't equate to me thinking the fault was MINE.  I considered the circumstances to be blameless; nobody's fault, it just was what it was.  To now understand that it was ME who was responsible for my disposition all that time was a real "wow" moment.  Talk about a chin check, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks!  

But I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong and I wholeheartedly believe in accountability, so apologize, I will.  I'm SO glad I came across those emails yesterday.  Not only did they provide an avenue for a change in perspective, they were also quite nice to read.  It was nice to remember conversations I had long forgotten and though they "slapped my hand," they also provided a great deal of validation in a way that is genuinely appreciated - especially at this particular time in my life.  So don't be afraid to face yourself, people.  Ownership is key in many more ways than one.

Accountability

Yeah, yeah - I've been busy.  Once again, if you're checking this thing every day and getting annoyed when you don't find anything new, simply subscribe and enable notifications.  I'm over here trying to get my life together, m'kay? 

Came across this today and just thought that I should share for those who are truly on a journey towards growth.  Many of the couch sessions I have with people revolve around these ideas.  I can't even say one is more prevalent than the others because they are ALL big and are all part of the same conversation.  Unfortunately, not enough people are honest enough with themselves to ask themselves these questions - any of them - and they often get defensive when you suggest that they may be their own problem. If you're truly looking to become a better person, you have to hold yourself accountable.  Before you get in your feelings about a situation, take a beat and try to understand the difference between what you feel and what's actually real.

Thank me later.

We Gotta Do Better

You have to live under a rock if you're not aware by now of the 6 Asian women who were murdered in Atlanta recently.  Though this incident has received the most publicity, there have been attacks on people of Asian decent all across the country in recent months and I have to say after seeing so many posts across social media that I am extremely disappointed in my people.

I'm struggling to wrap my mind around how many black people are saying that they don't care or that this isn't their fight.  Honestly, there are so many posts of this nature, I 100% believe that many of the people who have posted this way are simply following behind other posts of this sentiment.  Fucken sheep.

Have any of you stopped to think that maybe this mentality is why WE have had to fight so hard and for so long?  Has anyone thought how hypocritical it is not to stand in solidarity with another community that's hurting right now when all 2020 we asked everyone else to stand with us?  What happened to "Silence is complicity?"  What happened to "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere?"  What, is it only relevant if we're talking about saving black lives? 

Yes, I know black people and Asians have a complicated history in the hoods of America, but no more complicated than the history we have with other groups rooting businesses in our neighborhoods.  Papi and Abdul have chased just as many of your bad ass kids out of their stores and treated you disrespectfully while you continued to patron their businesses.  Are we saying now that all those other groups are also disposable and we are the only group worthy of alliance?  Make it make sense.

For those of you standing on the shoulders of other ignoramuses claiming that Asians haven't shown up for us on our causes, here is ONE of the many articles that have been published detailing how wrong you are.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/asian-america/75-ways-asian-americans-pacific-islanders-are-speaking-out-black-n1230551

Again, one of many so go do your own research - as you always should before you take a position on anything.  You can no more type the fabric of an entire group based on the single thread you personally are familiar with than any other group should color us based on the knuckleheads out there that make us look bad.

If I sound angry, it's because I am.  We are the quickest group of people to just take on opinions without thinking for ourselves based on what someone of influence has to say.  Anyone who does not see how we have a vested interest in this issue needs to really reevaluate.  What's at the core of ALL our struggles?  White supremacy.  It powers police brutality, it powers systemic racism and it powers white terrorism.  We have a common enemy, people, and we can't just be on board when it's us in their sights.  White supremacy is consistently making the rounds so while the spotlight is on Asian-Americans right now, history has shown us that it won't be long before some treacherous act of violence puts it squarely back on us.  Now understand - we KNOW we're still getting murdered and having the shit kicked out of us even when it's not going viral.  I'm referring to those incidents that do make national news. We can't call everyone to arms if we don't show up for anyone else.  We should be condemning racism and violence in any form, regardless of whom it's being perpetrated against.

You know what else White Supremacy is responsible for?  The division we're talking about at this very moment.  That "complicated" history with other minority groups AND the complicated history within our own.

Interestingly enough, I sat still for the four hours required to watch Zack Snyder's Justice League this weekend and one thing Wonder Woman said greatly resonated with me: "Their history told them not to trust each other - not to hope for an alliance.  To fight apart."  But in the end it wasn't until they came together to fight as one that the enemy could be defeated.  In fact, that's the moral of damn near every story of good vs evil. So why the FUCK don't we understand that?

*throws phone*

#BlackLivesMatter

#StopAsianHate

#FuckWhiteSupremacy