Something New

I wrote this on July 1, 2009, back before this blog existed.  It popped up on my FB memories and reading through it took me right back to that moment.  Bittersweet, but the message still stands: something has to end in order for something new to truly begin.  What do you need to bring closure to in order to start anew?

So its just after 4pm and its been a long day. I know that my pit stop is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of home, so everything in my body is saying "Just do it tomorrow." But its been 5 days since I took on this responsibility, and if it were me, I'd be bitching a fit by now, so I suck it up and head out East.

Im not thinking too much about it on the way there - too busy planning out the rest of my weekend, figuring out what to change into for the suaree tonight and wondering if so and so is really gonna call like he said he would - you know, that sort of thing.

I pull up to the mall, somewhere in the vicinity of where I think I need to go, park and get out, still unassuming and on track to getting this over with, as to go on with the rest of my day. Now where the hell is it, I think to myself.... Ok, I think its this way.

I continue about 100 yards, to the place where the corridors intersect, and suddenly I see him. His back is to me as he's engaging in lighthearted conversation with what appears to be a potential customer, and out of nowhere, my eyes start to well with tears. What the hell???? I stopped for a couple of seconds to get myself together, not sure where the emotion was coming from, and approached the counter, envelope in hand.

A couple of seconds pass before he turns around and he smiles at me. He extends his hand - he's been expecting me. I give him the envelope and without warning, the tears are back.

"So this is it huh?"

I nod.

"Im happy though, its been 3 years."

"I know," I say,"but still. I feel kinda...."

"I know," he says. "It's awkward. But its been a long time coming. I mean, what ya gonna do, ya know? I'll always love her though..... I'll always love her."

I give a half-hearted smile and lower my eyes as I say goodbye and head back the way I came. My eyes were still burning, trying to release the tears I was determined to keep from falling. I got back in the car and just sat there, heart breaking, for just a few minutes, then pulled out to begin my solemn ride home.

I served my best friend's husband with divorce papers today, and a little of me died inside. Ironic really when you think about it. We know something just has to happen - its necessary - and we even WANT it to happen, but when it does, it evokes all kinds of emotions that we never thought it would. I wont say anything negative about the man, I just wont, but I was and am still glad my friend finally did what she had to do to sever the ties to that piece of her life and be able to really move on in the one she has already begun. But still and yet, the idea of something that was supposed to be forever coming to an end - and me being the catalyst for its final chapter.... it kinda took the wind out of me.

But who more fitting than someone who has been almost exactly where she has? Different man, different circumstances, no paperwork, but in a longstanding relationship that yielded children and joint responsibilities that somehow managed to burst into flames when no one was watching. And I asked myself a lot of questions as I drove that Im not sure I will ever have answers to. But I guess at the end of the day, something always has to come to an end in order for something new to begin...