Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Things I Learned in 2017

Everyone deserves a fair chance..... EXCEPT the new bitch at your nail salon.

Online dating CAN work, but you definitely need the patience of Job. And full-body selfies.

History with a person doesn't always translate into a future with them.

Stop doing the same old dance with people who only know one song.

The best stylist in a Dominican hair salon is the one who speaks no English and has a wooden spoon from her kitchen among the hair styling apparatuses on her station. You know your blowout bout to be LIT when she hands you that spoon to cover your ear with so that blow dryer blowing Satan-grade Hellfire doesn't set your cartilage on fire.

Do it, even when you don't feel like it.

Take pics and don't post them. It's like a scrapbook just for you.

I should have stopped paying for cable years ago.

It's totally possible to play a 100+ point word in WWF and still lose the game. Life lesson: It could all be gone tomorrow.

I might be addicted to eggs. And cheese. And Chipotle burritos.

I never felt as close to God as when I rejected everything I was taught to believe.

Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Power. Believe ALL the hype. I can't believe I waited so long!

Tell your mama when you have venison in the freezer, or she'll thaw it out to make meatballs, then toss it in the trash, claiming your ground beef had turned all black. You'll want to kill her, but you'll find she tossed it in it's original packaging, tied up in another bag, and it can be salvaged. And she'll still make meatballs.

People unfamiliar with Boss Sauce will always be amazed at its wonderfulness and baffled at their ignorance of its existence. Kinda like white people and cocoa butter. No worries. I know a guy.






Sunday, December 3, 2017

Weekend Shenanigans

I lost my phone last night. In a cab. So.... yeah. But I was so tipsy when I got home from my boss's surprise birthday party, I couldn't even deal with it. My baby tracked it online, locked it remotely and I took my tipsy ass to sleep. Then I woke up this morning at like 5 a.m. stressing about it. You never realize how much of your life is on your phone til you lose that shit. But hey, at least it wasn't my wallet.

I tossed and turned for a couple of hours before I finally realized we have at least one viable phone in the house that I could use temporarily until my upgrade I ordered a couple days ago arrives. I didn't need to go the weekend with no phone. So I got the phone from my daughter and called to get the SIM activated. They also shut my phone down so if anyone finds it now, it won't serve as much more than a paperweight. Cool.

Breakfast with the midgets was the most fun ever. Then I go to pay the damn bill and they tell me my credit card is declined. Bitch, I know you lying! I just paid that muthafucka OFF! O-F-the-fuck-F.... how Sway??? I pay with another card and call my credit card company immediately. What THEEEEEE fuck? They tell me they got my payment but are putting a hold to make sure it clears my bank. What??? Why, cause black people only make the minimum payments on their fucken bills? It can't possibly clear? Fuck you. How bout that?

I stayed on the phone with them for damn near a half hour while they called my bank to verify the payment had, in fact, cleared. They made my credit immediately available and I made a mental note to cancel their punk asses soon as 2018 hits.

Reserved a rental to go do some things this weekend and of course, I get to the rental place and they don't have my reservation. But I rent there all the time so the guy behind the counter shows me love. Only now, the damn computer system wants to go down. He simply makes a copy of my license and credit card, has me sign off on the car having no damage and hands me some keys. Preciate it..... but don't you book my shit like I took the insurance coverage when the system comes up.

I get to go home and rest for a few hours before I realize the Salvation Army is closing in an hour. I've got a few bags of clothing and shoes to donate. My son brings all the bags down to the rental and it never dawns on me that there is one bag more than I had previously counted. I realized about a half hour ago that the extra bag was a bag of "keep" stuff. Fuck!

All I wanted to do after dropping the bags off and finding my parking spot no longer available was to kick back with a stiff drink and a cigar. But of course, my diva baby insisted on going to the nail salon for the acrylics she had badgered me for earlier. Fine - I needed a pedicure anyway. We go in and there is only one customer who my normal technician is doing. The owner has some kind of weird affinity for my daughter so she snatched her up quick to do her nails and pointed me to the chairs where some stranger bitch was lurking, looking like the chick from The Ring. Now yall know I do not have the best experiences with new broads in this shop, but I didn't wanna be "that girl" so I sat down. It didn't take long for me to see that this was not going to end well.

I clipped my own toe nails, yall. This woman could not grasp the concept of "cut them but not too short" and I had 3 different length nails on these feet. I literally took the clippers from her and cut them myself. Remind me; why the fuck am I paying you??? The next thing I notice is how slow she is. I cannot deal with slow, but I held my mule. Then she started doing my cuticles in such a way that seasoned patrons of the pedicular fucken arts knows is not proper and I found it really hard to maintain my composure..... but I did. That is, until she made it painfully obvious (no pun intended) that she was totally clueless about how to work a callus razor. One direction, lady. She was trying to go back and forth and the razor ejected from the tool. ONTO THE FLOOR. Didn't this bitch pick the razor up off the floor and try to put it back into the tool? Bitch, whooooo??? I said, "What you bout to do with that? It fell ON THE FLOOR! You are not about to try to use that shit again!" She went to the drawer for another one and after 3 minutes of trying to load the new razor to no avail, I said fuck it. Just use the damn pumice. When she was the done, the areas that should have been razored stood out like I had never set foot in that bitch and the owner had to step in to save the day.

The fucked up shit is she razored my feet, which I explained the new chick didn't seem to know how to do, but she also ended up redoing my cuticles, which I had said nothing about. So she saw, herself, that this bitch had not been effective. She also re-cut my nails, which I had said nothing about. Again, this bitch was not effective.

The owner got me right in the end so I just paid and left, trying to woosah on my way out. We stopped at the pizza joint, ordered a pie and headed back to the Capital.

Fast forward to today and things have turned completely around. I was up at 6 a.m. cleaning my kitchen, then doing my daughter's hair and off to Sam's Club and Walmart. Got premium parking on all the above, and spent $200-400 less than I usually spend on those runs. Didn't luck up on a parking spot on my block but I didn't have to go 4 blocks over so.....#Blessings

A bunch of other stuff went on this weekend but these letters are starting to do the meringue aaaaaaand..... #ICant.....So...... Bye LOL

Friday, November 3, 2017

The Nerve on This Bitch... SMH

If you know me, you know I'll do anything to help somebody - anything within reason, that is. Standard form, I've been helping this chick out from the day she started working for me back in 2014. She's a transplant to NYC (from Michigan), didn't really have anyone here, no one really liked her at the job and plus she was young - like 22 at the time - so I tried to look out for her. Most of the advice I gave her was professional because she needed a LOT of work in that area and I'm pretty sure I saved her job on more than one occasion.

She was probably impacted most by my departure from the company at the start of last year, so she remained in contact with me more than anyone else. We'd meet up after work from time to time and she'd catch me up on things but our interaction was still very mentor/mentee, so I wasn't really surprised when she asked my advice on her plans to go backpacking in South America. Understanding that her decision to leave meant giving up her job as well as her place, she asked me if she could keep her stuff at my house until she came back. I hesitated, feeling like she had become TOO comfortable imposing, but I knew she didn't have anybody else and I do have the space, so I agreed to hold onto her stuff for the three months she planned to be gone.

She actually came back a couple weeks sooner than expected because she had gotten some kind of sick while she was there. She was only gonna be passing through on her way back to Michigan where she would stay with her parents long enough to figure out her next moves. This required me to keep her stuff for another few months. Two big bins in a corner of my room weren't bothering anybody, so fine. I could do that. She wanted to stay with me for that one night she'd be in town but she mentioned she had another friend she could stay with, so I told her no. Like I said, she was becoming a little too comfortable and I saw that one night turning into far too many. I did let her come over so she could grab some of her things though. She told me about her travels while she dug through the bins, she repacked whatever she wasn't taking and she left.

Fast-forward to last week. She texts me that she's heading back to NYC and wanted to know if it would be okay for her to come get her stuff on Tuesday (Halloween) after I got out of work. Sure, no problem. Tuesday came and went. She texted me late that night, no apology for keeping me waiting, but saying she'd meet me after work the next day and ride home with me, then have some driver guy she met come pick her up with her stuff. Apparently he wouldn't be available until 9 pm and I FOR SURE wasn't trying to entertain this girl for 3 hours (she's a drain, you kinda gotta take her in small doses) so I found some other shit to do until about 7 when I told her to meet me. She catches an attitude with me on the way because I informed her that the job she told me she was interviewing for, with "manager" in the title, wasn't a management position. I'm not gonna debate with her about it, so I just welcome the opportunity to be alone with my Pandora while she sat under her headphones, not talking to me the whole way.

We get to my house and I .... suggest LOL .... she shake it off. You not gonna be sitting up under me, in MY house, for the next hour or two with a fucken attitude. Of course, she doesn't know what I'm talking about, she wasn't shunning me. Yeah, okay. Business as usual then. We're watching Death at a Funeral when her Uber friend calls at around 8:30. She's given him the address and he says he'll call when he gets close. An hour goes by, no call. So she calls him to see where he is and again, he tells her he will call when he's close. Nigga you gotta be coming from Algeria for an hour to go by and you still not close LOL. Clearly, he didn't leave when he said he did. It was about 10 pm by the time he actually showed up and I was highly irritated.

But now I have back whatever is left of my night, which wasn't much since I'm an early bird. 11:30-something, she's texting me about having left something. All that's left where the bins were is bare floor so she ain't leave nothing there. I go in the living room, which is the only other place we were, and there was nothing. I checked the hallway, nothing. So I tell her she didn't leave anything and I go back to sleep. In the morning I see she continued texting me until damn near 2am, explaining what it is she left and how she knows its here. I tell her again I don't have it and maybe she left it in the guy's truck. She's adamant she didn't. Okay, well I don't know what to tell you because I looked and it's not here. Wait first, this heffa gonna ask me if I have any idea why some jacket of hers fits so small now, did I wear it and wash it and shrink it LOL. What? If y'all could see this girl, you'd realize how stupid she sounds. I am not exaggerating when I tell you my track-built 15-yr old daughter is bigger than she is. There is no way in hell I'd even THINK I could wear anything of hers. The nerve. And then the follow up is this missing bag.

When I tell you she has been texting me for 2 days about this bag, describing, talking about how important it is and yada, yada, yada, I am seriously at my wit's end. She texted me overnight how she isn't accusing me of stealing anything but that's what some other girl did to her and she really needs her stuff back and she could give me money to give it back to her....

*staring into the camera*

I'm not sure I ever wanted to punch somebody in the face so badly in my life.

Wait though, this is the kicker - we talking about a bag of blankets, y'all. BLANKETS. What the fuck is so special bout these blankets? Are these MAGIC blankets, bitch? LOL Cause I got a whole life over here, fully equipped with blankets.....and jackets. I would have given YOU a blanket; I'm sure it would go well with the fucken air mattress I gave you. I stole some blankets - to do what with, exactly? To extort money? From YOUR broke ass? LOL This bitch is fucken crazy.

My final text to her said that I don't know any more ways to tell her I don't have her stuff but I'm not interested in finding any. She can come to the house and look for herself, or not - I don't care, and I'm not going back and forth with her about it. But she should know that once she's checked to her satisfaction and sees I don't have her shit, she's gonna need a new life coach.

If she accepts I don't have her stuff and chooses not to come look for herself, she's gonna need a new life coach.

If she happens to trip over the bag of blankets somewhere, realizing I never had it and apologizes for ever thinking I would steal from her, she's gonna need a new life coach.

This relationship is over.


***Update***

Now I'm positive I've never wanted to punch somebody in the face so badly in my life.

I had just finished telling my friend I had not heard from this girl so I didn't know if she was still coming and suddenly I get a text from her. This is not just any ole text, this is that "Fuck You" text somebody only sends when they don't expect to ever see you again. She basically said she isn't coming because she knows we are hiding her things so she wouldn't find them and that too much stuff is missing, so she knows I stole it and probably gave to my kids.

*sigh*

So first it was a bag of blankets. Now it's all this stuff AND I gave it to my kids. The reason I kept telling her I was fine keeping her stuff was so I could loot it LMAO! SMH

There was more, but you know what, I can't give this another ounce of my energy. She's blocked and deleted from all mediums. The one thing she was right about: "This is Done."

Yup! #byebitch


Monday, October 9, 2017

Knock It Off

Y'all know what.....

Y'all really need to stop dick riding and start thinking for your damn self. I have been rolling my eyes all year about all this fucken fake outrage coming outta nowhere over just about any and every damn thing. Stop it. Just stop it. Don't feign anger about something you're not really angry about just because some social influencer you "stan" for is making a ruckus about it. Stop fake boycotting shit just because it makes you look "woke" when, in truth, you don't even have any skin in the game. You are not an activist talking about boycotting some shit you never patronized anyway. If you stand on an issue, stand on it for real and from the start. Not after it becomes the thing to do. Y'all super wack with that.

And today with this Dove thing. Somebody is always gonna be up at arms about something if their disposition is permanently set on inferiority. Not everything is a shot at you, people. That's not to say some things could not have been better thought through but knock it off with the extra shit. There is enough REAL shit out here to be mad about. Dove is dope - sorry, not sorry - and if you look at their campaigns over the last couple of years, you'll see that they have made great strides to spread the message that they are inclusive of all. Don't just look at the screen shot people are talking about, watch the actual ad. Anything taken out of context can easily be misconstrued as something it isn't. Don't be the idiot that just jumps on the bandwagon without all the facts. Y'all just wanna be mad.

And while I'm at it, stop stealing other people's posts and quotes too, without giving proper credit. I ain't talking about the memes and shit - those are meant to be reposted - but you know, people getting slick these days; they are taking the WORDS from the memes now, and posting the words like their own original thoughts. I saw the meme too, nigga. You not funny, you not deep, you not even creative. You corny. Knock it off.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

You Wanna WHAT???!

If my son had a blog, today's post would be entitled, "My Mama in Here Trippin" LOL.

Motivated by a video I saw this morning, I simply suggested we forego Christmas gifts this year and put our money toward feeding the homeless. His immediate reaction was WTF??? LOL Basically. Like he's all for helping the homeless - we strive to do that year round - but he's like why the fuck we gotta not do presents though? Like how does getting presents keep us from helping people, why we can't do both? At the end of the day, we could, but the whole idea was sacrificing for the good of somebody else, to which he again responded, Fuck we gotta sacrifice for? You can't buy a homeless man a cheeseburger and buy me one too? You ain't got TWO dollars, nigga?

LMAOOOOOOOO!

Now of course the conversation didn't quite go this way - he better NEVER - but in my mind right now, replaying the conversation and the look of horror on his face, that's the voice-over that comes with it, like when Snoop and Cedric the entertainer do voice-overs on them Animal Planet videos LOL. We discussed it for about twenty minutes and he was not having any of it. I have never seen him debate anything so passionately, ever LOL. What I think it boils down to really is the fact that he has a job now so he will finally be able to participate in the gift-giving at the level he would like to participate and gotdammit, he ain't bout to let me take the wind outta his sails. How could i not understand that?

Okay, little boy, you win.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

The Science of Dating

When I was a baby, my mom had a Siamese cat. That cat apparently thought I was HERS and wouldn't let anyone near me, except my mom. They had to lock the thing in the closet, as I'm told, but I never got a real answer about what happened to it. I mean, did they put it down? Give it away? Did it die in the fucken closet? Idk. But I do know that I hate cats to this day, and I wouldn't be surprised to find it's because of those early days I don't even remember. I don't trust them. I think they're sneaky, evil, and would kill off humankind if they could LOL.

That being said, I don't trust people with cats either. Cats are notably low maintenance so I think cat people are lazy and horrible communicators. I have much more respect for dog people. Dogs require more of you and rightfully so. I mean, they are some of the most loyal creatures on the planet; you gotta work for that shit. Dogs don't just need to be fed; they need to be taken out, walked, stroked and appreciated. Most importantly, when they shit outside, you gotta pick it up. Women come with shit. PICK IT UP!

I think there is something to be learned in the very nature of cats and dogs. If he has a cat, he's looking for shit to be easy; damn near self - sufficient. A dog man is much more likely to be willing to put in the effort. Science of dating in a nutshell.

You're welcome LOL

Sunday, September 24, 2017

2008

The big homie put me on blast today and made me feel guilty for not having blogged in..... IDK how fucken long it's been, so I promised I would put something up today. I didn't promise it would be poignant or in any way deep LOL, but I did promise I would post. In a genuine effort to make the read worthwhile, I dug up 5 hand-written journals I, for some reason, kept from 2008, hoping they would inspire me. What they did was remind me of so many people that I had all but forgotten about. Some for the better - I NEEDED to forget about their asses - and some just for the wear, but reading about that one year in my life was..... so crazy.

Of course, the only journals I saved are from 2008 so it's hard to say for sure, but I believe 2008 might have been one of the most pivotal years of my life. I saw my first black president, I quit smoking for quite a while, which told me I could actually do it, and I ran into so many people who had been significant in my formative years and on most occasions, I thought there was something significant about running into them again as an adult. 9 times out of 10, those run-ins culminated in confirmation that they were never that significant to begin with and Rochester was simply a very small place. It was a huge letdown for the hopeless romantic in me and those run-ins rocked me. Hard.

I read those journals feeling fearful for the girl on thee other end of that pen. Had I not known it was me writing those entries, I'd have thought OMG....this poor, naive girl. At times, that is exactly what I thought, even knowing it was me. Being a good person and wanting to see the best in everyone is one thing, but DAMN! I took a lotta L's putting everybody else before me and I risked a lot on flights of fancy. I guess that's me though, just a tad different today. Today, I have clear-cut boundaries and I'm petty as fuck LOL. Luckily, it still takes a lot to get me there but I care a LOT less about what someone will think or how they will feel afterward. I think that just comes with age. I'm on my way to being crotchety LOL #dorothyzbornak

But I can only be grateful for the lessons, the embarrassments, and everything else because it is those things that build character and make you into who you ultimately become. I'm not afraid, today, to tell you when something just won't do. I'm not afraid to express my disappointment when I expected better. I'm not even afraid of being misunderstood, which use to be my BIGGEST fear in life, oddly enough. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am fearless, but I get closer to it every day. And for that, I salute you, 2008.

#salute







Wednesday, August 9, 2017

"Mm..."

Word of advice for all you non-parents out there; "Mm" is your friend.

It is ill-advised, if you don't have children, to weigh in on a parent's dilemma unsolicited. Even when your opinion is asked, you should say as little as possible outside of maybe an anecdotal tale of having gone through a similar situation as a child, what action was taken and how it played out. You should say as little as possible outside of this anecdotal tale because childless folk have an amazing proficiency for inadvertently saying some low key offensive shit. In honesty, childless folk are not the only violators - all kinds of people fall victim to the clean curse out, including other parents. People are uber sensitive when it comes to their children; KNOW this.

So Ima make it real simple for you. Did you see how Will Smith instructed Kevin James to keep his dancing to a simple two-step in Hitch, saying, "You live here?" Well, "Mm" <--- YOU live HERE. Trust me when I tell you that 9 times out of 10 when a parent is talking to you about something concerning their child, they are venting, not soliciting advice. And this is CLEARLY true if you don't even have children - you don't ask a banker how to bake bread.

Now even if you have children, you're still gonna wanna refer to the above rule of thumb and keep it anecdotal or resort to a simple empathetic "Mm" because more likely than not, your well-intended suggestion will be poorly worded and ill-received. Why? Because even though you're trying to help, your "suggestions" often contain buzz words that sound like judgment and an attack on their parenting skills. How dare you, childless wonder, be the judge! LOL NO parent takes kindly to an insinuation that they are not doing their job, which is what you imply by suggesting maybe the kid needs a push. Seems pretty benign on the surface right? Trick bag: suggesting basic shit parents ought to do insinuates that they aren't already doing it. The words "push" and "support" should never leave your lips without the words "keep" or "continue" in front of them, but since you're not likely to remember these instructions when you get all out your lane, just remember an "mm" a day, keeps the reading away LOL.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

No More Purpose

Last night my daughter comes into my room with tears in her eyes. The closer she gets to me, the harder she starts to cry. Naturally, I'm worried as fuck, like what the hell happened? She collapses into my arms and is just bawling her little eyes out. I must have asked her six or seven times what was wrong but she couldn't even tell me. She just unlocked her phone and started tapping through apps until it got to Instagram. That made me nervous too because I thought maybe she was being cyber bullied or something, but nope. It was even worse.

Justin Bieber has canceled the remainder of his Purpose stadium tour.

I wasn't ready. I ain't know what to say. There's really nothing I could have said that was going to make her feel better, but I gave it my best shot. First I let her cry though. It's important to get it out. I know how much she was looking forward to going and I chunked up for the good seats too! I promised that whenever he did go back on tour, I would take her. She knows it's true, but it didn't take away the hurt.

I held her and rubbed her back for a while before sending her to wash her face and I thought back to when I was her age. The only person I'd have been that affected by - probably EVER - was Michael Jackson. I never had the opportunity to see MJ in concert but if I had ever gotten tickets and that show got canceled.......... shit, I might STILL be crying LOL.

No word as of yet regarding the reason for the cancellation but I'm thinking rehab. John Mayer made some comments about the cancellation that seemed to kinda support that line of thinking. He said when people cancel like this, its because they know they'll do real damage to themselves by continuing on. He then made reference to all the singers and entertainers we've been losing so young and all I could think was Lord, please don't let this boy die cause I don't know WHAT we gon do with these lil girls.

And I mean he bet not die like EVER LOL.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Caribbean Pimp

I'm a strong, black woman. I don't rely on anybody to make the magic happen, I AM the magic. I do what I want, when I want, and don't nobody tell me how to move. So imagine this old dude in my office building telling ME to shut up and go back to work. You know what I did?

I shut the hell up and took my ass back to work LMAO!

Girl!

First of all, this "old dude" ain't no regular old dude. He's probably the smoothest glass of rum to ever come outta Barbados - I call him Caribbean Pimp. CP's probably in his 60's but he's good-looking and still has that swagger in his walk; you know the one that says I got a big dick - that one LOL. Don't even get me started on that accent - OOOOMG. Secondly, he didn't SAY for me to shut up and go back to work, but that was the message.

See CP and I are cool. We chop it up every day, either when I first come in or around lunch time. Thing is, the evening guard, also older, has a crush on me too and we're cool as well. Enter Hater George.

So Hater George was introduced to me by the evening guard. He works maintenance in the building so I had seen him around, but since the formal introduction, I'd made it a point to actually speak to him by name. But Hater George got a little comfortable. Hater George sees I rock with the evening guard and now he sees I rock with CP too. Hater George decides to get cute.

I don't normally stop and talk to either guard when there are other folks around so when I see George and another maintenance guy at the desk with CP, I just throw a nod and keep it moving. George says hello to me in an oh you gon act like you aint see me? kind of way, to which I respond with spirit fingers and the dry "Hey George," I give to people "doing it for the Gram," if you will. CP calls me back, asking if I had heard what George called me. I hadn't, but apparently he called me "sweetie" and CP wasn't pleased. He told George I was his girlfriend and that he was not allowed to call me nothing but my name. Don't Hater George drop dime about the evening guard? LOL This nigga runs it all the way down about how the evening guard is always making passes at me and I'm just standing there like Denzel in Training Day ... "Yooooouuuuu muthafucka."

Now don't get it twisted, I ain't feel no way about WHAT he said - I talk to whoever the fuck I want - but I did feel a way about what he was doing, and moreover, how he was doing it. He was trying play CP, like the evening guard was fucking his bitch and shit. I can't stand jealous muthafuckas, I swear. And this is some shit that ain't even real, harmless flirting that makes the day more interesting. Can you imagine if it was real though? That's how niggas get dead. I was disgusted so I just walked off.

Today I'm at the desk with CP and in saunters George. I say hello and CP glares at him over his glasses, waiting for his response. George says hello back and CP goes, "And stop right there. That's all you get" LOL Of course, George has to be the asshole, so he then says something else and calls me "sweetheart," which is immediately followed by some more smack talking that CP was not here for. CP ignores George's yapping and turns to look at me. I don't know if he saw how uncomfortable I was or if he just felt it wasn't something I needed to be in the middle of, but in a very calm voice he says, "We will finish our conversation later on. You can go now."

Lord, Jesus..... What I was feeling, I haven't felt in a loooooooong time. I mighta been a little wet when I left that desk, that shit was like fucken magic, I was AMAZED LOL. It was the calm but "understand me" way he told me to get the hell on, but it was also the feeling of being protected - him shielding me from the brewing shit storm and also the subjection of this salty nigga who was trying to use me to forward whatever agenda it is that he had. It's the way I just did what he said, without hesitation or thought. ME, LOL. I don't know if it's the age or the "rum" but I need one of those in my life.

Aw shit...... do I have daddy issues? LMAOOOOOO! SMH



Sunday, June 4, 2017

Dana Gilmore; Wife, Woman, Friend

Part I and II of my favorite piece from one of my favorite spoken word artists. Shout out to the most recent dodged bullet to catch the vapors. #YouTriedIt #BoyBye





Thursday, June 1, 2017

Searching For Neverland

Ok so everyone knows I live and breathe Michael Jackson, and when it comes to “the commentary” you can usually expect me to be the biggest critic. Talk of another movie being made almost literally made my blood boil, like….. leave this man the fuck alone! Why is another movie necessary? WTF else need be said? How much more blood do you need from this stone???

Sigh.

But I watched.

About a half hour into "Searching for Neverland," I jumped onto Facebook to gauge people’s initial reactions and the few people who were commenting were not at all happy with what they were seeing. A couple of people said they couldn’t deal and turned the channel. But see, the rub with this stuff is that you kinda have to give it a chance. The mature fan understands nobody is ever going to BE Michael. That being said, in my opinion, Navi was about as close as anyone can expect to get. There were quite a few moments when I heard Michael, despite the Trini-British accent, and even more moments when I SAW Michael. I admit I was reluctant at first too, picking out every single thing I could come up with to discredit his portrayal, but once I got outta my feelings, it was fucken scary how much this dude gave me MJ. SCARY.

I had heard the movie was based on the book MJ’s bodyguards had written about the last 3 years of his life, but color me surprised when it was actually about the last 3 years of his life LOL. I mean, who didn’t think it was gonna be about the circumstances surrounding how he died and inside knowledge of some kinda of cover-up or conspiracy? In fact, they introduced Dr. Conrad Murray just once and his name was never even mentioned again until the end when detectives asked whether they believe he had killed Michael Jackson. The story really focused on what was going on in MJ’s life at the time; his financial situation, his being without a home, friends and family’s abandonment of him, and his struggle to strip away the “King of Pop” and just be a normal family man. It was sad to see some of these situations and how he eventually all but lost complete control of his life.

If you believe the bodyguards, you also thank God for them; that Michael had them during the time that he did when everyone else has turned their backs on him. You feel their pain and loss with his death. You feel the regret resulting from wishing they could have been there…. Done more. You also feel their relief in Mike finally being free of the prison his life had become. I appreciate that the movie detracted from his death and focused on his life – or at least the life he was trying so desperately to live, with his children. It was a little convenient that Bill got one of, if not the last phone call from Mike the night leading into his death – I wasn’t sure if that’s actually been documented or if it was done for effect – but that’s the stuff movies are made of. It worked.

So contrary to what even I would have thought my reaction to be, I liked the movie. I respect the casting, I appreciate the perspective and it left me feeling something other than any other MJ commentary I’ve seen. Can’t quite put my finger on a word for that feeling, but I think I might still be processing……

Saturday, May 13, 2017

When Breath Becomes Air


#1 New York Times Bestseller When Breath Becomes Air is the true story of Dr. Paul Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon on a quest to find the meaning of life through literature and experiences with his patients. That search accelerates when he is diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer at age 36. This book really pulls you into that situation, and more importantly, will make you ask yourself if I had only a year left to live, would I spend it doing the things I'm doing today? What would be important to me then?

This is the first book in YEARS that I've underscored passages from; literally took my pen and underlined shit, y'all, because one, y'all know I love all things existential. But two, there were things I need to remember for myself; things I want to relay to others in those crucial moments when you need more from me than just to listen. He simplified so many things - literally to the cellular level - that I stopped several times to just think about what he said. I mean, I gained so much perspective and honestly, it made me think a LOT about my mom.

Thankfully, my mother is not battling anything terminal - or at least to my knowledge - but she has been very sick over the years and for the last 2, it's just been like... non-stop. Thing after thing, and I've felt like she has been real preoccupied with her own mortality. Just shit she'll say, like how she is preparing to go on to glory and always positioning herself as being in her last years and I'm like DUDE. You about to be 64 this year, and yes, some people do leave us that young but it's not like you 92 on a ventilator. And maybe that's youngest child denial speaking - her health condition does complicate things - but whatever, I don't wanna hear that.

Now we on this whole retirement situation. She went from retiring January 2018 to retiring June 29, 2017 and out of the blue on Thursday, she like fuck it and put her two weeks in. WTF??? She's had enough of struggling through the pain to go to work and be at work all day and fighting to be paid properly when she has to be out and all kinda shit - I totally get that. But accelerating these timelines with no warning like that got me like WHOA! Like wait a minute, let's talk about this LOL.

I want my mom to do whatever it is she feels she needs to do in order to take care of herself, but honestly, she has me a little scared right now, like.... I feel rushed. You know what I mean? Is that crazy? She might be ready but yo, I am not trying to deal with any of that shit before I absolutely have to. The reality of the situation is with most of her close friends already being gone and me being who I am in this family, I am the one she talks to about these things and being there means steeling up to it but in my mind, the whole time, I'm plugging my ears and "la la la la la la" out the room LOL. Reading this book helped me in so, so many ways though and I think it could help her too, IF she was in the mindset to really receive it. I just don't know if she is. Religion, I think, might interfere with her ability to really get from it what I did because, you know, religion doesn't really allow for cellular-level simplicity. I also don't want it to backfire and have her thinking even more about dying. So I don't know, I'm torn. Maybe I will just mention the book in passing and see if she shows any interest.

Moving book though, brought me to tears. I definitely recommend it but I will caution you non-intellectual types - I read it in a day but it's a hard read. A lot of $50 vocabulary and hardcore literary references but even if you don't get them, it won't take away from the experience. Even if it doesn't motivate you to get up and do anything different, if it gets you to stop for just a moment to examine your life, it was worth the recommendation.

Monday, May 8, 2017

If I Could Turn Back Time

Sitting here watching the New Edition Story for the 50-11th time and having spent the whole weekend - AGAIN - watching all associated videos on Youtube, my mind has drifted back through time, taking inventory of ... all the years. I fantasized about being able to go back 20 years, knowing everything I know now. But oddly enough, i didn't have a long list of things I would do differently. I mean there was a list, but it definitely wasn't long.

20 years ago today, I would be about a week away from the breakup that would forever change me. It was the ending of my first real grown-up relationship; the first one that made me think about forever. I'd also be just a couple of weeks away from reuniting with the person who would turn out to be the love of my life and father of my children. It's so crazy to think about now. I wouldn't change either of those situations. I might do some things differently, but I wouldn't change them. I would not want to have children with anyone other than the man I had them with - he is a great father and co-parent - and I needed the experience before that to help me appreciate that.

20 years ago, I was also still hooping hard and one thing I do regret is stopping. There were several reasons for it but none that justified giving up the one thing that, even before writing, had always been there for me. But doing so put me in need of another outlet, which brought me back to this.

Actually, there are only 2 things I would change in 20 years and they both fall under the same umbrella. I would be a little more selfish with how much of myself I shared. Not so much in telling people stuff, but in trying to include them in some things that may have lasted longer if I had kept them for myself. Not all worlds should be merged. Lesson learned.

All things considered, I think I have done pretty well for myself. Yes, there are things and people that I COULD have done without but they are not such big factors as to call them regrets. Of those, I don't have many and I plan to live the rest of my life in a similar manner. But it's good to sit back sometimes and just think over your experiences in preparation for the next phase of your life.

I am so ready.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Multiple Choice




Which of these is true about me?


a) I've sold drugs.

b) I've done coke.

c) I've had an abortion.

d) I've stabbed someone.

e) All of the above

f) None of the above


Half the people who follow this blog don't know me in real life - you guys will likely hazard a guess based on things I've posted here - but 99.5% of those who know me BEST couldn't answer this question either.

The actual answer is irrelevant, I'm just illustrating a point: you not knowing about something, doesn't mean it didn't happen. What you know about somebody is limited to what they've chosen to tell and show YOU. So watch yourself, being so quick to assume the best OR worst about people who might only be selectively sharing chapters of their story with you.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Doubt

I just want it to be right.

It doesn't feel "done" yet.

This isn't the story I want to tell.

I'm in a different head space now.

I can't relate 12 years later.

I should start over.


These are all the things I say to myself about dragging my feet on publishing. Every single one of these statements is true, but that doesn't mean they're not also excuses. At the end of the day, I don't have to publish THIS particular work. I have plenty of shit near enough to completion
that I could run with. Hell, if nothing else, I have an entire blog with 8 years of material (damn, 8 years???? wow!). So I had to sit down and ask myself, what's really going on here, Dig? My response both surprised and terrified me....


What if it's just not good enough?


Saturday, March 25, 2017

A Week in the Dig Files

This week has been a damn doozy, lemme tell you.

So Monday, a friend of a friend introduced me to a staff assistant at Kensington Books. Now we’ve had this lunch/meeting scheduled for a couple weeks now, but we get there like 5 minutes late ourselves and this dude is nowhere. So the girl I’m with calls him like “where you at?” and this nigga acting like he had no clue what she was talking about, and gon hit us with the “uh….. hang on, let me take a look here…… yeah, I guess I could come down for a couple minutes.” Really? Like REALLY? I suppose its possible this girl didn’t really “set up a meeting” as much as she told him she wanted to “introduce him to her friend” so he didn’t take it as such, but my whole scan of this dude when he did come down read “other shit”. He gon tell me its gonna be a lot of waiting, IF I even get a look since I don't know anyone - bitch I'm suppose to be knowing YOU! WTF we here for??? SMH He did give me some paperwork though– advice and query instructions basically – which were helpful. Shit, I thought I could just email an editor like yo, I wanna write, what's up? LOL Apparently it don't quite work like that.

Then Tuesday, I decided I was gonna take advantage of the free training session being offered at my gym. I thought he/she would just talk to me about what I was trying to do and suggest a routine for me. Nope. Lucky me gets the one chick in the place who fucken believes in me and shit and not only takes me through the workout but takes me through it like it's a light damn day after 2 tough mudders and a tour in Iraq LOL. Now I aint mad at her pushing me, but can I ease into it please? She had my arms hurting so bad that I couldnt even use them to get myself up off the floor. I literally had to roll onto my stomach, prop up on my ELBOWS, and then get on my knees to eventually stand. My ceps - all of em LOL - and my quads hurt for 3 damn days. I'm talkin bout LOCK tight. But the hour massage I got yesterday REALLY helped. I slept soooo good.

Thursday I go to Red Lobster which is only my favorite place in the world, no big deal LOL I order a dinner to go for my daughter and decide to also surprise her with a chocolate wave. Waitress brings out the bag and sits it on the end of the table. I'm looking at the check and Im reminded that the location in Times Square has the audacity to figure in 18% tip FOR you, like they just know their servers gave 18% service. Whatever - wasn't my money and two mojitos in, I wasn't bout that math life so fuck it. She was alright, 18% it is. I get home and tell my daughter to go ahead and get her food because something in there might melt. I'm waiting for her to get all excited about it, she comes into my room with the cartons like "um.... what exactly in here is supposed to melt?" The heffa aint give us our chocolate wave. Bitch, I gave you 18%!!

About an hour later, I get a text from my girl upstate. It's a picture of my mother's apartment building on fire. What THEEEEEEE fuck??? I call my moms, get her machine. I call my sister, get her machine. I call my aunt, she's in a panic. My cousin calls his brother who finally says he spoke to my mom about 10 minutes prior and she was out with my nephew. PHEW! Well at least she's okay. Turns out the fire was 3 floors above hers and in the back side of the building, a ways from hers, and the building has fire walls so the blaze was contained in that one apartment, although it was burned clean the fuck out. And by the time that was over, I was worn the fuck out.

Friday's massage was CLUTCH. Shout out to Andreas at Massage Envy. Booty-squeezin self...

Friday, March 10, 2017

Post Shaming


So I get a FB notification of someone’s birthday. I go to wish them well and notice people posting about Nicki Minaj finally dropping some kind of response to Remy Ma’s "Shether". People definitely didn’t seem to be feeling it but I admit, I was curious. I’m on the job so I’m trying to find a quick hit – I ain’t got time for reaction videos and people trying to break the bars down, I just wanna hear the damn song. STILL ain’t found it but in the process of looking, I come across an [IG?] post where Nicki’s addressing taking her sweet time or whatever, and then also says for Remy to stop surgery shaming.

*blink*

Surgery shaming? Sooooo I guess we can just slap “shaming” on the back of any word and make it a thing now. How bout NO. We are not about to parlay surgery into a movement, okay hun? Bitches not taking to the streets with their "All Surgeries Matter" signs, marching for all asses to be treated equal. Have a fucken seat.

Oh wait, am I now post shaming? Is that how this works? LOL

FOH.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Ain't No Telling


"Im just saying I lost a lot of people in life so im glad to be alive and even past that. im glad to be living life. I know mofo’s our age with health issues, or life dragging them down from certain life decisions. Man I have a fairly decent job hold my fam down im volunteering my time to coaching in this youth league im even able to get out and work out and play ball myself. Like man im 40 but I have better energy around me and in me than in myh 30’s or 20s so Yo im looking forward to making it to 50 and 60 and see how much greater I can be word.. ok rant over hahaha"

This was the email that stopped time.

It was one in a series of emails between me and my homie and maybe it was the timing, maybe it was knowing the guy and the story behind these words, IDK.... but it changed so much for me in that moment. I literally cried reading it. It's the reason I haven't been in here in a month; living life is so much more fulfilling than writing about it. Don't get me wrong, I've felt the guilt of abandoning my previous mission to update this blog more regularly, but the rewards of doing so have been worth it. I've not only been MIA here, but also on all my other social media, for the most part. I've peeked into my Facebook for 12 seconds at a time, reacting to whatever happened to be worthy in the first 6 or 7 posts, but I definitely haven't been present like I use to be. And you know what? It's so peaceful.

I've had lovely dinners with my phone face down on the table, not touching it once. I've had drinks with my phone OFF and in a bag in the corner. There is something about being PRESENT, without the distraction of technology, that makes life so much more....crisp. I don't remember the last selfie I took - it's been more important to experience the moments than to capture them. I feel better than I have in a long time, LOOK better than I have in a long time AND I'm looking forward to speaking with Kensington about HOPEFULLY taking up my book! Yes! I finally got off my ass and took step one toward actually doing something with it. Fingers crossed!

My oldest turns 19 on Sunday and that has given me some perspective too. 19 - damn. I feel like I'm only 25, how do I have a damn 19-year old kid? LOL SMH Proof of how time flies, for sure, and I'm not gonna look back at the next 6 years like I do at the last, wondering where it all went. I'm on vacation for the next few days, putting some things together and basking in the glory of 800 thread count sheets. I have a "reckless abandon" Red Lobster date on Tuesday and a prepaid massage on Wednesday and Thursday? Ain't no telling. That's how I'm rolling now LOL

Ain't. No. Telling.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

I Ain't Here For It

There are a lot of high-risk people out there who legitimately don't have anyone to talk to. When you KNOW you have supportive people in your corner, the only reason for taking to social media with your woes is for attention and if that's what you're looking for, there are better ways to get it than posting about how you're going to kill yourself. Putting your family and other people who care about you all in a tizzy out of REAL concern for your FAKE intentions is selfish and I have no respect for it.

You got people calling you, you not answering. We know this because they're saying so on your thread.

People calling each other and nobody knows anything. We know this because they're saying so on your thread.

But 6 hours later, you still posting about your impending death and when someone finally does catch up with you, you're "fine" and again, we know this because they're posting it on your thread so everyone who got sucked into your fucken circus act can rest easy. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Newsflash: People online are just as responsive to requests for prayer as they are to suicide threats. You wanna know if people love you? How about making that your status. You'll get just as much attention without making a mockery of something so serious and sensitive that real people actually do struggle with. That shit literally made me sick to my stomach and trust and believe, when I do talk to this person again, I'ma let her ass have it. Both guns. BLAZING.


Tuesday, January 3, 2017

In My Bag

Things change, people change, feelings change too.
Never thought the circumstances would have changed you....