Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Things I Learned in 2017

Everyone deserves a fair chance..... EXCEPT the new bitch at your nail salon.

Online dating CAN work, but you definitely need the patience of Job. And full-body selfies.

History with a person doesn't always translate into a future with them.

Stop doing the same old dance with people who only know one song.

The best stylist in a Dominican hair salon is the one who speaks no English and has a wooden spoon from her kitchen among the hair styling apparatuses on her station. You know your blowout bout to be LIT when she hands you that spoon to cover your ear with so that blow dryer blowing Satan-grade Hellfire doesn't set your cartilage on fire.

Do it, even when you don't feel like it.

Take pics and don't post them. It's like a scrapbook just for you.

I should have stopped paying for cable years ago.

It's totally possible to play a 100+ point word in WWF and still lose the game. Life lesson: It could all be gone tomorrow.

I might be addicted to eggs. And cheese. And Chipotle burritos.

I never felt as close to God as when I rejected everything I was taught to believe.

Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Power. Believe ALL the hype. I can't believe I waited so long!

Tell your mama when you have venison in the freezer, or she'll thaw it out to make meatballs, then toss it in the trash, claiming your ground beef had turned all black. You'll want to kill her, but you'll find she tossed it in it's original packaging, tied up in another bag, and it can be salvaged. And she'll still make meatballs.

People unfamiliar with Boss Sauce will always be amazed at its wonderfulness and baffled at their ignorance of its existence. Kinda like white people and cocoa butter. No worries. I know a guy.






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