Wakes, I mean.
Back in the day - when I was in high school and to some degree, my early twenties - if somebody who was anybody died, your ass was going to the wake. You ain't even have to know them real well - if at all. You only had to know OF them, and the criteria was satisfied.
Don't get me wrong, the deaths were still shocking and sad. Even more so, being that they were high school kids or young adults, but make no mistake; this was a bonafide social event: outfits, kicks, the whole shit, cause THE TOWN was coming out. You were probably gonna see that dude or chick you had been wanting to holla at, them niggas or bitches who had you fucked up, and some folks you'd never seen before but would know from that day on after one of your people put you on. I definitely left more than one of those services with phone numbers, meetup plans, hell, even a boyfriend one time. Hey, I ain't proud of it, but it was what it was. CRAZY.
That's just how we did when we were young and needing to be seen. As we got older, many of us thought better of it. I say "many" because there are some who still show up like that to this day - one example of the mindset that drove me out of Western NY. The older I got and the more actual FUNERALS I attended, the less cute that shit became. Lose enough people close to you and a wake or funeral is the LAST place you ever wanna have to be, to the point that I eventually swore them off. Part of that decision came as a result of moving 5 hours away from the place where I grew up cause, shit, I ain't making that trip for everybody. However, the bulk of it was about the drain; I ain't making that trip for nobody.
Now understand, "nobody" doesn't really mean nobody, but it probably means YOU, LOL. I got about 5 funerals left in me for the rest of my life and I already have a pretty good idea of those I'm going to show up for. Odds are, you ain't make the list, but no one should take that personally. I just know my bandwidth, so I have to do what's best for me, and being in the mix with a bunch of other people snotting and crying, making shit heavier, is not conducive to my well-being. It doesn't mean I don't love you to pieces. It doesn't mean that I am not SHATTERED at your loss. It just means that I'm going to make my peace with it in my own way, in my own time, and from wherever I am.
My cousin made a social media post yesterday, shouting out his mom and issuing a huge "fuck you" to all the folks who did not show up to her funeral a year and a half ago. I wasn't there (see above) and I get how he feels, to an extent, but I also feel he's got some growing up to do. That is all I'm going to say about that situation, because while timely, it's only part of the reason I came in here today.
Four days ago, my father died. He's being cremated today and a memorial will take place sometime next week, but guess what? He was not in my 5 and I'M. NOT. GOING. We didn't have a good relationship, but HE WAS MY FATHER. I don't care what your relationship is like with your parents, it's gonna fuck you up a little bit when they're gone. Automatic identity crisis. But if I'm not attending services for the man responsible for my existence..... I mean, if I have to finish that sentence, I really don't know what to tell you. 🤷🏾♀️
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