Tuesday, November 30, 2010

5 to 7

**disclaimer: I wrote this at work, so I had to polish up the language a little, work with me LOL**

Young dudes kill me.

“Age is just a number.”

“Im very mature for my age.”

“I only date women that are older than me.”

“I don’t like these girls my age, they too immature.”

It’s always something. They stay coming up with some line or approach that is supposed to make them more appealing in some older woman’s eyes. Give it a rest, Tito, ok?

If I say Im not interested in dating somebody younger than me, then don’t come trying your luck, like Im talking about every young dude EXCEPT you LOL. First of all, I have been there and done that and aint tryna do it again. Been there on a few occasions, trying to give folks the benefit of the doubt (yall know how I do) but every time…….*smh* And second of all, let us understand that when I say “younger man,” I am talking about SIGNIFICANTLY younger than me. Someone whose birthday is 6 months after mine doesn’t count LOL. A year or two doesn’t count. However, if I got 5 or 7 years on you, sorry, love, Im not interested. That 5 or 7 years sounds a little too much like “5 TO 7 years”, which is probably the amount of time I’d end up doing for knocking the hell outta your simple azz the night you decide to act twenty-something LOL.

Im serious, yall. It never fails. A younger dude, mature though he may seem initially, will always show his age eventually. Always. And usually it happens in one of two ways:

a) Messiness. This means there is a baby mama or some other chick on the loose, who will no doubt call your phone at 3:17am, wanting to know who you are and why you’re messing with her man. This, my dear people, is one of the fastest ways to get voted off the island. By the time I hang up the phone, yall BOTH gon be mad at me LOL. Get the fk on. *RME*

b) Reverse Psychology #FAIL (aka Nerve). This means that at some point in time, he is going to challenge YOUR maturity level. In my experience, its usually come at times when the young’n was trying to convince me to do something I didnt want to do, and that I already told him I wasn’t going to do LOL. At your denial, he has a propensity for telling YOU that you’re being immature, and all you keep thinking and saying is “he got his nerve” LOL See that reverse psychology bullsh* works on them young girls. You cant pull that ish on no grown @sz woman. Please note that any woman that sits there and debates with this fool is not a grown @sz woman LOL. A G.A.W. will tell this here lil boy that she aint got time to play with him and he will probably never hear from her again. EARLY. Aint nothing to debate about, but Ima tell yall a secret, fellas: You wanna piss a woman off? Tell her she’s acting immature LOL. I bet she wont talk to your punk @sz for at least a week LOL. She’d still be salty, no matter how old the dude was who said it, but how YOU, Mr. Still-watching-106andPark, gonna have the audacity to tell somebody they are acting immature? LOL

They always show their age, man. They always show their age. Just like today. Another dude on one of them web communities Im on hit me up. I hit him back, you know, just being gracious, but we go back and forth a few times, and he starts complaining about the delay in the conversation. Yeah, there is a delay, because Im not sitting here at work all day with this site just minimized on my computer, checking it every 5 minutes to see if you said something. I only go into it when I get an email notification that you said something, and if Im in the middle of some other ish at that time, then you gots to wait LOL. So I offer him my email address, which, while still online, would be a lot faster. He declines, talking about he don’t be in front of a computer all day and that’s still delayed. Well….. you’re sitting in front of the computer now LOL. “Now” is all I’m talking bout, IDK what you talking about but anything after today sounds like a commitment, LOL. I aint tryna commit LOL So he gives me his number and says I can block my number when I call. Gee thanks. *staring into the camera* (another thing young bucks like to say LOL) but I think you are missing the point.

a) I’ve said a million times - I like my phone number. I don’t wanna have to change it because YOU don’t know how to act. It says this on my profile. Once again – IT SAYS THIS ON MY PROFILE!! So why do you, young buck, come along and think I meant everybody BUT you? LOL

b) Its not even just about the phone number, Im just not sure I wanna talk to you yet. I can toss an email or note back and forth with just about anybody, and if Im online anyway, its really not an inconvenience to do so. Me actually talking to you on the phone is asking a lot. For one, Im not sure I even like you yet. Why would I wanna talk to somebody I cant even say I like. Two, Im not a talker, Im a texter. For that, you do have to have my number, and we have already established that that is not going to happen LOL.

So anyway, he says some smart ish to me like “so you’re telling me if you meet a dude on the street, you gonna give him your email address instead of your phone number?” You little ba$tard. No that’s not what Im sayin LMAOOOOOO! That was almost a good one though, I admit, but I had to break it down how you cant compare the two because you have a whole other set of variables to assess when youre in somebody’s presence than when you’re just a name in the “To” line of an email. Theres a lotta other factors that play into that interaction you have that enable you to make a comfortable decision in a pretty small window of time. An email volley is different – it takes a little while to put together all the different pieces of the dollar store “whodafuckisthisnigga” puzzle. But that’s what you sign on for when you join an online community. Its ONLINE. Online with no guarantee that you will EVER come offline, so I really don’t understand why dudes be getting mad when they cant get your number on day one. Who said you would EVER get it? LOL Fk on…. Then he got an attitude because I said something about being in DC next week (he lives in MD) and I told him no, we cant get up. Dude, if I don’t wanna give you my number, OR call you, what in the hell would make you think Im gonna wanna go out with you? See, an older, more mature man woulda knew how to play that. He woulda went IN with the DC date, knowing he’d get shot down, and compensate with the “well let me at least call you,” which would then seem like a small thing, and we’d probably be on the phone tonight LOL. Lil whippersnappers, they don’t know nothing bout no game LMAO!

Long story shorter, he never said it, but I started feeling like he was tryna pull my G.A.W. card, so I told his @sz, look…. Im not going to do anything I don’t want to do, and the things I want to do, I aint gonna do until I am good and gotdamn ready LOL So you got two options: you can respect that and keep it moving, or you can be mad about it and keep it moving, but keep it moving either way LOL. Ahhhhh, harsh, my @sz, it was not harsh. Yall just wasn’t there, I been paraphrasing for yall, but this little muthafucka had some nerve, with his smart mouth LOL I got him by 5 years. I saw the “to 7” coming down the pike LOL.

See I don’t have the patience for foolishness, that’s why I don’t think Im ever gonna be a cougar LOL. When Im 50, my man gon be 48 or better too LOL. Men are enough of a pain in the @sz when they’re within a stone’s throw of your own age. Why the hell I wanna be bothered with skinny jeans? LOL Im sooooooo good LOL.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

A Happy Thanksgiving

So the midgets saw their dad for the first time in over a year. They came down with my sister (and her brother) to spend the holiday weekend with me, and I thought it was about time they came face to face with reality. It was time for my son to know what being a knucklehead will get you, since he's started to put being cool before his schoolwork, and it was time to stop deflecting when my daughter asked questions about where her dad was.

He was reluctant when I first brought it up, but in the end, he agreed it was a good idea, because he felt like he needed to press our son about his recent behavior. I knew that was all it would take - the best way to make a stubborn person do what you want them to do is to make them think it was their idea LOL. In the end, it was a good thing for everybody. My daughter cried when he picked her up and hugged her for what seemed like a week, and I could see in my son's eyes how happy he was to finally see him after so long. Im hopeful that their talk will have a positive impact on his performance, and that, on some level, a void in my daughter has also been filled.

So throw in a night in times square, a house full of food and late night comedies, and there you have my weekend, but that was definitely the highlight. I came home that evening to an email of tremendous thanks, for not only bringing the kids down, but also for being a great mother to them. I have to say it was a well timed message. I definitely needed to hear it and be reminded that everything I have instilled in them will not be undone by a couple of months' separation. The important thing is that when they arent with me, they are in the hands of someone who cares and has their interest at heart, and that when they do come back with me, Im settled and equipped to carry on with the job I started with them. That being said, chances are good that they will stay where they are until school is out. Its not what I want, but its whats best. Another move is pending for me in 2011 and I would rather have them change schools once, rather than twice, and while the degree of travel I have been doing isnt mandatory, right now, its a critical part of me cementing my position at my company.

So onward and upward, people. 2010 was just the beginning. It appears my transition is not yet complete, but I am remaining open to all that comes with it, and hopefully the end result is a desirable one for everyone involved.

Yall be easy.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Speechless (cont'd)

So.... I still cant really find the words to express what I feel after this morning's email incident with my mother, but I will... eventually. Every time I think I know where I wanna go with this, I wind up deleting everything I wrote, which tells me Im not ready.

I will say this: if it were up to my mother, I'd have self-destructed a long time ago. Im thankful to be blessed enough to have a good circle of friends, that have always been supportive, and a strong relationship with God, so that I know Im more than what any man (or woman) may make of me, and my only obligation in this life is not to waste it. I could have reported her, for sending me threatening emails from her job (at a law firm, no less) to my job, and she would have been fired immediately. That's not who I am. I could have replied to her emails and told her all the things I said I'd never say to her, which would, no doubt, have left her in a much worse emotional state than I'm in right now. That's not who I am. I could have done a plethora of things today that might have made me feel like I "won" for the moment, but..... that's just not who I am. It's not even about being the bigger person, although some people really do need to be shown how it's done. It's more about the fact that I'm ashamed for her - at the moment, ashamed OF her - and wanted to be as far away from that behavior as possible. It's toxic, and I dont want any parts of it.

Im gonna pray for her, just like I said I would, and let God do what He does. I have no desire to mend fences - I've taken all the abuse from her I can stand for one lifetime. I hope she finds her way. Thats all.

Good night.

Speechless

"Fuck you."

"I hate you with all of my heart."

"You're dead to me."

"If you were still here, I'd walk to where you were and kick your ass."

"A check came for you in the mail yesterday, I just ripped it up - let em send you another one."

"All your mail is going in the garbage when I get home."

"You better pray, you're gonna need it."

*******


These are all the things my mother said to me today......

Sorry, I guess I still havent quite worked this one out. I'll be back later....

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Woosahhhhhh

Ok so we have this admin for our team at work, right.... I aint liked her from day one. First of all, she looks like one of the children of the corn, and you cant trust nobody that looks like children of the corn LOL. She's a white girl with real pale blonde hair and even paler blue eyes - like for real, for real, she almost makes me think she's albino, but she could just need some sun. Either way, I aint never like her ass.

She is one of those people who thinks she knows everything and when she fucks some shit up, she is always trying to justify or explain it away, usually trying to put the onus back on you in the process. I cant stand people like that. If you did something wrong, own it, apologize when appropriate, and fix it. Its that damn simple. You're relatively new (newer than me) so there is gonna be a learning curve. You cant come in here thinking you know it all from the door, (even though that's exactly what she did).

Now, being the admin, she is the one who books my travel. This is the first thing she fucked up. When I arrive at a hotel, my shit is supposed to be already confirmed and paid for. I got to the spot last week and the shit wasnt paid. So now I got to check my bag and just go in to the office and trust that everything is going to be worked out by the time I get back - this after spending about twenty minutes, looking crazy at the counter, trying to track her ass down on the phone. You would think, even with an explanation, she'd say something like "Sorry about that." No. This bitch just wanna try to explain it. I dont give a gotdamn what happened, fix it. And this is the explanation she gave: our contract with that particular hotel had come up for renewal so they couldnt charge the company card, although it was on file there, until the authorization was renewed.

*staring into the camera*

Ok so let me get this straight - you KNEW this, and you just dropped the ball and didnt get the authorization to them? Thats your fucken fault. And I know this because the shit was resolved in the 10-15 minutes it took me to walk to the office from the hotel. I walked into the office suite and she was telling me it was taking care of, before I could even get a word outta my mouth, and telling me all cool, like it was no big deal. Yes the hell it is a big deal, Ashley. Get your shit together.

Then today..... ooh she almost got it today, boy. I had her set up a web conference a couple of days ago for this afternoon. I had a training to do for one of our customers. She set it up and sent me the info, all set. So today, me and one of my reps get ready to go into the conference room to start the training and there's people in there. Ok, so maybe she booked one of the other rooms. Nope. All the conference rooms were in use.

So Im like "um... Ashley.... did you reserve a conference room?" Before she even goes to look at anything, she's already telling me how she doesnt think she was the one who set it up and she doesnt remember it, but if she did, I didnt tell her to book a conference room.

*pause*

"Ashley, can you pull the invite up, please?"

She pulls it up. "See, it said you were the organizer."

"It should. You dont remember me giving you my login info and having to have my password reset? It would have to be under my account in order for me to access it with administrative rights."

"Mm."

Yeah, mm. In the location field: "conference room". "It says conference room, Ashley. One would see that and think you had booked one, no?"

"Well I wouldnt know to book one if you dont tell me, so you have to remember to tell me that next time."

*staring into the camera*

"You wouldnt know you had to book a conference room.... for a training?" LOL

So the rep that was with me grabs my hand and says, lets just do it from here - and we go to his desk, which is kind of out of the way and quiet enough to pull off a web conference. Goes off fine, Im over it.

I get back to my desk and this bitch has sent me an email entitled "in the future" LOL. Dont ever in life start any written communication to me that way, it pisses me the fuck off INSTANTANEOUSLY LOL. She's again reiterating how its my fault, in so many words, and how we can avoid these types of mishaps "in the future."

Dont you know I drafted and deleted three different emails in response to that shit before finally deciding not to send any of them? LOL I was so ticked off with her, that I could not construct an email appropriate enough to not warrant a response with my boss copied in on it LOL I really need to have a conversation with her face to face, but I couldnt do that either because I was THAT fucken hot. I figured the best thing to do was finish the last thing I had to do for the day and get up outta there, and revisit it tomorrow. Still hot though, I walked twenty minutes in the rain to my even-farther-away-than-last-week hotel. I felt a little better when I got here. Good move, Dig. Good move.

About an hour or so ago, I get email to my BB, letting the team know that she's gonna be working out of the old building tomorrow. Thank you, Jesus (and sorry for all the swearing, Amen LOL)

So IDK, by Thursday, I might be willing to just let it go and not say anything to her at all. I mean, her JOB is to do shit we tell, but I CAN set up my own web conferences. I dont need to have her do it, so maybe I just wont anymore. She would still have to make my travel arrangements, but that's minimal contact - simple email stating when Im leaving and coming back, how I wanna travel, what times I wanna travel and where I wanna stay and thats it. And Im not planning to travel next week, maybe not the week after that either, so by then..... yeah, by then I should be ok.

But until then, she might wanna avoid walking in front of me down a flight of stairs.

Im just saying.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Foolishness!

So I got my eyebrows threaded today.

*sigh*

If you have ever seen somebody in a garden pulling weeds, let me tell you, thats exactly what it feels like - like there's a tiny Mexican standing on your forehead, ripping hairs out your face LOL They look nice, but DAMN! I cant even compare it to the waxing, because that experience was so bad, I've all but completely wiped it from my memory LOL but I will say it's not exactly fun. Oh, the price of beauty. What we women go through.... *smh* How come men dont go get thread their unibrows and brazilian their nether regions? LOL Why do yall get to march around all rough-n-tumble, with nappy chest hairs and ashy feet? LOL It aint fair, I tell ya, it aint fair! Its foolishness! LOL

Then I start my commute home and get to laughing uncontrollably in the train station. These people out here kill me. If you've ever been to NY, you've probably seen all kinds of starving artists performing in the streets, soliciting donations. In the subway, ANYBODY might be down there. Tonight there was this man down there playing the violin and he didnt even know how to play it LMAO! Imagine some random ass dude, playing a violin that sounds like somebody's dragging a dining room table across the floor LOL. When I tell you he couldnt play, Im talkin bout I think he stole that violin, or found it on the street and just said fuck it, Ima eat tonight, Jack! LMAO! It was just so stupid, I couldnt stop laughing. Im still laughing, just thinking about it. I know I couldnt have been the only one that was like WTF? LOL This is some damn foolishness!

I was like WTF on FB today too. It started last night, with this Q&A game that somebody had everybody playing. I opted out, I aint fallin for the okie doke LOL but apparently the game carried over into today, except today the questions are way over the top and sexual. IDK if that was SUPPOSED to be how phase 2 went, or if the questions just got progressively risque on their own, but I gotta tell you, I really honestly and truly believe that some of them people are making up their own questions LOL.

See the way it is supposed to work is you put on your status something to the effect of "inbox me any question you want and I'll answer it on my status, anonymously." This is how you let people know that you're participating. Then people inbox you a question and you post the question and your answer to it on your status. Last night was hysterical because two of my friends were all in and they were playing people left and right, putting folks on blast, all kinda shit. But I had to look at some people's questions like COME ON SON! You know good and damn well aint nobody asked you that, dont nobody want you LMAOOOOOOO! People can be so sad sometimes LOL. You a grown ass man or woman, why you making up shit? Thats past foolishness, thats just terrible LMAO!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Imperfect Life - Piggyback

And again, LOL

Same social site, different sender.

How you gonna be salty because you made me an offer I chose not to take you up on, when the offer you made wasnt even really what you were going for? "Hit me up if you need a tour guide." Really? My profile SAYS I just moved to this city - if you say "tour guide" Im gonna take that literally. Yes, I realized showing me around was probably just an excuse for you to spend time with me - Im not in kindergarten - so why dont you just say what you mean, instead of trying to be coy? I dont need a tour guide, Im not in town enough to care where anything is right now LOL. But dude really threw a temper tantrum because I said that, instead of just taking cue to be upfront about his intentions. I dont know you any more than I know these other cats, and you're not even as fly as some of them (LOL) - gimme a reason to care. I dont have the patience for anything less than straight shooting. Get your foot in the door and THEN you can get cute about some shit.

"I told you to hit me up, but I guess you dont want nothing real" LOL Really? You think low-key insulting my womanhood is gonna help your cause? "Oh well if you're getting other offers, I will just withdraw mine." LOL REALLY? Why you mad, son? Let me ask you this, fellas: if you have a desire to get to know a woman, is it not quite likely that other men do as well? And if we are on a web community, is it not within reason that those other men are probably reaching out to her, just like you are? Its never about the first offer, its about the best offer, the most suitable, fitting offer.

So you know me, I try to remain a lady at all times *pause* LOL I basically was like ok well we apparently are sailing in different directions, it's all good, everything aint for everybody. This muthafucka got the nerve to come back and say to me that he's in a great position, goes on to run down his "stats" and then said I was the one with the baggage so he still has the upper hand LOL. Word? Well in that whole rundown, the only thing that doesnt also apply to me is that he has no children, so lets assess this, shall we? LOL You dont have any children, the only thing that separates us on paper, yet you're STILL on this site trolling for honeys. I win, fuck you very much.

And this is what Im talking about. This is the type of bullshit you encounter on regular social networking sites. Aint suppose to be no expectations, just random conversation. Imagine if it were an actual love connection type site. I aint built for it.

Salty dudes are soooooo unattractive. He's still got the upper hand. GTFOH.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Imperfect Life

I wonder sometimes if people realize how much they are victims of their own tongues.

On one of the social sites I frequent, I got a message from a guy I didnt know, who I guess found interest in me. The first thing he says to me is that people tend to pass him by because they pre-judge him. He goes on to say how he is single because he didnt know how to remain faithful. I was confused LOL.

So I go to his page and I see his pics and its very evident, right from the door, that he's cocky. You ever see a dude who takes pictures like he just knows he is the finest thing on earth? And truth be told, this dude aint even all that - he's nice looking, I guess, but quite honestly, I probably wouldnt look twice at him if I saw him on the street. We all know that means nothing though - a man who thinks he is fine, just gonna be fine and they dont care what you say LOL.

I read further into his profile and see that he is divorced - I guess that was what the unfaithful commentary was about. But why would you lead with that? I dont know you, I dont anything about you. Why would you want the first thing you put into my head to be that you have a history of cheating? He put himself at a disadvantage from the gate. I mean, in the course of getting to know a person, things come up, and THATS the time when you address them, should you choose to do so. IMO, it's really not anybody's business who you were or what you did before you met them until such time that you decide to make them a part of your life, asking them to accept all that you are. It would be unfair for you to expect total buy-in without full disclosure. Until that point, while someone is really just a passerby on the highway of your life, what you share with them is entirely discretionary.

People prejudge you - so what. You're never gonna be able to control what someone who doesnt know you, or take the time to know you, is gonna think about you. Why make that your problem? They either take the time to find out who you really are, or they miss out on knowing, and believe it or not, sometimes they are doing you a favor by staying away. But dont wear your past indiscretions on your sleeve, especially if you claim to be a different person now. Furthermore, speak on them matter-of-factly - it is what it is - and remember that the person you are talking to is just as human as you and probably has some things of their own that they arent proud of. Your sins are no greater than theirs, and they are no better than you. Accept your shit and move on. You cant expect somebody else to if you havent.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Match.Comeonson!

I don’t understand the men on online dating communities…

First of all, how you gonna have a profile with no picture, and a greeting that demands that I have one? You’re on the no-fly list from the get-go. You already showing that you feel it should be a different set of rules for me than it is for you. GTFOHWTBS, LOL. And then you wanna tell me “I can email you pics if you want.”

*squint*

So why wouldn’t you just put them on your profile? Aint like you work for the government LOL.

Secondly, who randomly IM chats people they haven’t even said hello to? I don’t know you, dude. This aint the bar. You cant just come up and start talking to people all willy nilly. You get the gasface too, cause you’ll be the dude I’d have to break on for showing up to my house all uninvited. No, thank you, sir. Im good.

Then you get these geniuses that think you’re supposed to give them your number because they don’t like to type.

*raised eyebrow*

Son. ITS AN ONLINE COMMUNITY. You aint see the sign on the door? LOL Im supposed to have you blowing the battery outta my phone because you wanna be lazy? Miss me with that too.

Then you get the ones on the opposite end of the spectrum, that want to tell you their whole life story in the first note. You don’t even know if Im gonna respond to your message. Don’t go through the trouble, conjugating all them verbs and shit LOL. You might have just wasted the last twenty minutes of your life, backspacing all through them paragraphs, trying to be more eloquent.

And what’s with the people that “favorite” your page or view it 913 times and never say anything to you? Stalk much?

And please, PLEASE, tell me WTF is up with the dudes wanting you to respond back with your weight or measurements. Are you gonna buy me a dress? LOL if not, you better look at the damn pics like everybody else and call it a damn day. How rude.

This is why I cant do Match.com, or any other site thats explicitly for dating. My philosophy is that you be friends with a person first anyway and just see where things go – if anywhere – so later for the dating sites. At least on Myspace and Facebook there isn’t any type of pretense or expectation in having a conversation, and you don’t have to worry about somebody thinking you wanna have their babies just because you replied to their hello. You might have to deal with a lotta this same bullshit, but at least it aint costing you $44.95.

Im just sayin.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Media BS

The media is so pick-n-choosy, they make me sick. We all know TI's going back to jail for 11 months, on a probation violation, but raise your hand if you heard about this.... *hands in pockets*


http://www.avclub.com/articles/rapper-ti-talks-a-suicidal-jumper-down-from-a-skys,46348/




Rapper T.I. talks a suicidal jumper down from a skyscraper
by Sean O'Neal October 14, 2010
Hip-hop star and occasional actor Clifford “T.I.” Harris certainly has other things to worry about right now, but when he heard that a 22-year-old man was threatening to jump from a skyscraper near his Atlanta home, Harris decided that he should try and help. And what do you know? He did: He “appeared from nowhere” and convinced police at the scene to let him spit a few bars of self-actualization, telling the guy that a person can “make it through anything” (like the critical reception to Takers, or getting caught with weed and ecstasy only a few months after getting out of prison) and that “life’s not that bad.”

The would-be jumper then agreed to come down off the roof and meet with T.I., who will appear in federal court later this week for his recent probation violation, and who will make the judge look like a total asshole if he gets sent back to jail because he’s now all over the news as a hero. Well played, Mr. Harris. Does this mean if we threaten to swallow this whole bottle of Xanax that we could get Ice Cube to give us a call? We’ll do it!


***

Here's the CNN story w/ video.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/celebrity.news.gossip/10/13/rapper.prevented.suicide/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn