Speechless (cont'd)

So.... I still cant really find the words to express what I feel after this morning's email incident with my mother, but I will... eventually. Every time I think I know where I wanna go with this, I wind up deleting everything I wrote, which tells me Im not ready.

I will say this: if it were up to my mother, I'd have self-destructed a long time ago. Im thankful to be blessed enough to have a good circle of friends, that have always been supportive, and a strong relationship with God, so that I know Im more than what any man (or woman) may make of me, and my only obligation in this life is not to waste it. I could have reported her, for sending me threatening emails from her job (at a law firm, no less) to my job, and she would have been fired immediately. That's not who I am. I could have replied to her emails and told her all the things I said I'd never say to her, which would, no doubt, have left her in a much worse emotional state than I'm in right now. That's not who I am. I could have done a plethora of things today that might have made me feel like I "won" for the moment, but..... that's just not who I am. It's not even about being the bigger person, although some people really do need to be shown how it's done. It's more about the fact that I'm ashamed for her - at the moment, ashamed OF her - and wanted to be as far away from that behavior as possible. It's toxic, and I dont want any parts of it.

Im gonna pray for her, just like I said I would, and let God do what He does. I have no desire to mend fences - I've taken all the abuse from her I can stand for one lifetime. I hope she finds her way. Thats all.

Good night.