They Came To Teach

I saw a meme last week that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. It said something to the effect of "They didn't come to stay, they came to teach" and I tell ya, lessons....... SMH. Lessons will level your ass but you have to be receptive to them. You have to.

If you really know me, you know I've never been the relationship girl. That's not to say that I haven't had them - obviously - but it generally comes as a surprise to people when they learn I'm in one. To put it plainly, I like my freedom and my space. I like to deal with people on my terms and not out of any sense of expectation or obligation. On the rare occasion, the stars and planets align and I find my desire to engage on a regular basis with someone in particular outweighs my desire for freedom and space and then BOOM: relationship. That's usually how it works, but we're talking about few and years between type rare.

Now this time last year I was in my first [official] relationship in like 6 years, and though it ended in the weirdest of ways, I decided that's what I wanted for myself, going forward - to be in a relationship. There's nothing inherently wrong with that except when you go looking for something, you tend to force things once you think you've found it - at least I do. I also have no emotional brake pedal so "feelings" are a sketchy space I don't like to occupy until and unless I feel safe. That being said, that relationship was AMAZING but I didn't read the fine print (Non-transferable. Other and future relationships sold separately LOL). And when I thought I found that next big thing.......... I sold myself up the river. Though it was only for a very short time, I am still unbelievably angry with myself. SEETHING. Right hand to the gods, I will NEVER do that to myself again, but when I tell you the realization of that shit humbled me? I feel winded just typing this shit, I'm not even kidding. Initially I just moved on like it never even happened, but when I came across that meme, it was like some Bird Box shit - like somebody grabbed me by the head and held my eyes open to it so I couldn't avoid seeing it.

This is such a loaded lesson because it hit me on several levels and I'm still unpacking it. I needed a reminder that I was special; I also needed a reminder that I was not. There are so many things I understand now. I know and have a newly strengthened respect for both my capacity and my limitations. I have a newly strengthened respect for my LANE. And again I say: SELF CARE! I think at the core of it is the message to remain true to myself above all. I never stopped to wonder before why I couldn't bring myself to be mad at him, although there was ample reason to be. I think the meme is the answer.

He just came to teach.