Another One

[In my DJ Khaled voice]

Let me share this excerpt from my Susan Miller horoscope (y'all know I swear by her):

"I cannot think of a sign more deserving than you to receive the plethora of goodies Jupiter is about to send you, dear Capricorn. Ever since your ruling planet, Saturn, entered Capricorn on December 19, 2017, you began a challenging period, and over the past two years, you were tested on many levels. As is usual with your sign, you soldiered on no matter how daunting the tasks, taking one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. You are a realistic soul, and you don’t spend time worrying about things you cannot change, so you focused only on the situations that you could improve, fix, or advance.

Of all the signs, you were tested the most, yet you complained the least. Saturn remains in one sign—in this case, Capricorn–for nearly 3 years. Saturn shows up every 29 years, so if you do the math, you see that you can only have two to three visits of taskmaster Saturn to Capricorn in your lifetime. Saturn, knowing he will not have time to visit you more often, sets up tests and lessons that are so vivid that you will remember all you were taught in three years for the following three decades. You may not realize how much you have grown—think back to where you were in 2016 and early-to-mid 2017, before this trend began...."

I sat back and thought about everything that's transpired since December 19, 2017. Then I went back to read everything I'd written here since, expecting to have it all rush over me like that morning splash to the face, but........ nothing. Or at least, not that. What I felt was the sterility of all the things I chose not to talk about - not because I didn't want to share the experiences, but because I was still working through what they meant for me. I just never circled back. But that being said, I got to my 2018 year-end "look back" and I initially had a hard time reconciling how I could possibly have summed 2018 up as a "good year" given everything I dealt with. I was traumatized. I was disillusioned. I was.... whatever the word is that represents the most fucked up mental and emotional state one can occupy while still giving off the appearance of "fully functioning adult." I KNEW I hadn't blocked it all out, so how the FUCK was 2018 a good year???

Well.... all I had to do was read the post.

It may not have felt good all the time, but baby, Saturn and them tests and lessons? [Paraphrasing] "Shit so real it will last you 3 decades." One. Hundred. Percent. But so what? How do lessons learned equate to a good year? Well, my interpretation of "good" isn't always about having fun or everything going exactly the way you planned. "Good" to me also includes any and every experience that brings you even one step closer to your truth, and 2018 did that for me in spades. There were some things, yeah. But when I look back, they were few. It was the impact that I felt long after. Remove that from the equation and 2018 was a good year. But you know what?

2019 was a GREAT year.

Again, there were some things, but I've learned to take it on the chin and keep it moving. Some things (and people) just don't deserve your energy. With that in mind, I've managed to upgrade my life in just about every aspect. The impact of that is worth holding onto. I take that mindset into 2020 and look forward to continued growth, heightened perspective and better choices. I hope all of our 2020 is just that - a clear vision FORWARD, not just in hindsight.

Vibrate.

Reap.

Repeat.

Glass

We are all made of glass. It's just sometimes we're a mirror, and sometimes we're a window.

We all spend some time, for better or worse, serving as a reflection of the people in our lives. These can be eye-opening images for both them, and you.

At other times, we're the embodiment of something that couldn't be more different. A glimpse into what else might be possible - again, for better or worse.

Both cases present an opportunity.

It's all a matter of how one responds to what they see.

#Perspective

Check Your Feathers

I find it interesting how there are people in this world who, no matter what, always think the solution is to pray harder. Or differently. Start fasting. Tithing more. What happened to “the faith of a mustard seed?” Why would ALLLL that other stuff you’re doing, even at a minimum, not be enough?

It’s such an elementary question, I’m sure nobody ever thinks to ask it of themselves, but if they only would, they might find a series of other questions worth asking themselves too. But hey, maybe that’s why they won’t ask. Just maybe they’re a little afraid of what may lie beyond the doors those questions unlock. Some people need to be told what to think - how to think. Guided through life - but whose life are you then living?

"God needs more from me."

*record scratch*

*squint*

God is good. No really. God is GOOD. LOL

No matter what your religion or lack thereof, I assure you God don't need anything from you. You don't need to spend more time on your knees. You need to spend more time on your feet. DOING shit. Nothing you're after is just going to fall in your lap, and if you think God's gonna move differently in your life cause you did some "extra credit" assignments, you're childish.

People World

“I can feel it coming in the air tonight…..”

Why do I feel like I’ve started a post that way before? Whatever, we recycle around here LOL.

So, I got a new job........ in July, LOL. I know I’ve been in here a couple of times since then, but I was preoccupied with whatever I had to say at those times and didn’t think to mention that. It's actually part of the reason I haven't been around as much recently - there was a TON to learn at my new company and the work was a LOT initially. Between that, the gym and trying to salvage what was left of the summer, I'd be exhausted by Wednesday every damn week.

That being said, I absolutely LOVE my new digs. It's still a lot of work and challenges my organizational skills every single day, but the wins are super rewarding. The office is sick, the people are awesome, and contentment in my workplace has been a long time coming.

Speaking of people, I made an amazing new connection on this job. We started on the same day and she said to me recently that her experience might have been a lot different without me, and not in a good way. I'd say the same of her. Like I said, the job was really overwhelming in the beginning and things were a lot easier having someone to go through it with. Not to mention, we're like the same soul, split into two different bodies, so our conversations get pretty deep, and it's been through those talks that I've been able to connect a lot of the dots regarding this energy shift I'm experiencing in my life. We also laugh til we cry, so there's that.

I've also reconnected with a couple of old friends. It's interesting how coming back together with people after like 25 years of absence from each other's lives allows for an entirely new appreciation for the relationship going forward.

And, of course, it's always great when you get to put in some time with your ride-or-dies, which I've also had a chance to do recently.

I've been on some real "woman behind the curtain" shit for a while now, so it's interesting that my world is suddenly so "peopley". I think I've been mourning what I considered a huge loss for the past 8 or 9 years, but I finally started to understand that I had another choice. That I am the architect. And it all began with this job. Interesting as well that it was the change I needed most and it took the longest to make. The thing that was impacting everything else was the thing that impacted everything else....

*Rabbit hole alert*



#Protip: We all know I suck at being consistent in here, so if you're a would-be regular reader, I recommend you subscribe so you're alerted when there are new posts. Much less annoying than coming in here to check for updates only to find that there are none. 🤷‍♀️

Nine Years

I have a "friend" who, year after year, reposts this "memories" picture of us when it pops up on Facebook, commemorating the anniversary of my moving away gathering. No big deal if I didn't look like fucken Quasimodo in that bitch, LOL. I was approaching the heaviest I have ever been, I was in a dress that did me absolutely no favors, and my leg is twisted in a position on the bar stool foot rod that made me look...afflicted. With something. I'm convinced that is the sole reason she keeps posting it. Every. Year. She ready in that picture, getting her whole pop star on, while I look like the Make-A-Wish kid she came to surprise, LOL. There's a lot of backstory as to why I'm of that opinion, but I won't get into all that. I don't even know why I'm talking about it, except for the fact that I found myself chuckling about it on my way home from work. Some things never change.

What I actually came in here to talk about is that relocation. Today makes nine years since my move and when I realized it this morning, I became a bit overwhelmed. It only seems like it's been that long when I think back on all the visits back over the years. The numerous jobs that I've had since I've been here. The dating - OH, the dating. Jesus. But what made me so emotional is the fact that I am still here. I obviously didn't uproot my entire life with the intent of it not working out, but I've been through some thangs, Chile, and one or two of them stretches could have easily landed me back at my mama's house. Y'all know about my mama - NOBODY would have wanted that LOL.

People thought I had lost my mind when I up and decided to take this leap of faith. I can't say I really blame them - from decision to execution, it all happened within a span of like 3 weeks. As much as I want to say it wasn't an easy decision to make, it absolutely was. It was necessary, and it was time. I was in a place in my life where if I didn't do something different, I was going to self-destruct. I saw it coming. In fact, it had already begun. I believe a lot of the people there who used to be rock stars and are now looking like they've been rode hard and hung up wet are in that state because they didn't recognize that it was time to get the fuck out of there, or they did recognize it but didn't have the courage, and the town ate their asses up. I didn't want that for myself. I didn't want that for my kids. I had to try. As soon as I got a taste of the freedom this move afforded me, I knew I could never go back. Even in my broke (and broken) times, I felt free. When there was no one to call, I felt free. When I had to figure shit out, I felt free. It was in those times that I most felt my life could be of my own design. When you have nothing to lose, you have everything to gain. I'm so happy I didn't give up. I really want to encourage anyone contemplating a fresh start to TAKE. THAT. LEAP. Oftentimes, the risk is nothing compared to the reward. Imagine the possibilities!

Imagine!

I just wanted to take a moment to reflect out loud on the journey. It's been tough at times - know that - but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Go be great.

Traffic

I work in busy Manhattan, populated with annoying ass tourists at all times of the day and annoying ass natives mindlessly staring at their phones, even when crossing busy ass intersections. I know I used "annoying" 50-11 times in that sentence, but it's seriously annoying AS FUCK. That being the case, I make my way in front of every and anybody with their phone out at any corner. You won't hold me up cause you're not paying attention.

A few days ago, I thought I was in good position at a corner, on my way to work. A man cut through and started to cross a second or two before me when I really thought I had a leg up. I realized in that moment that I had been watching the light - waiting for it to indicate that it was time to cross - and he had been watching the actual traffic, realizing at a certain point that no cars were coming and he could go. I didn't realize it at the time, but he had taught me a valuable lesson. It didn't hit me until today when I employed that same tactic to get the edge on the - again - annoying ass tourists and phone zombies.

It immediately got me thinking and I came to this conclusion: there are two types of people in this world - those who watch the light, and those who watch the traffic. Marinate on that for a minute.

Americans especially have become so complacent with our technology and our conveniences that we rely on them to tell us when to act, even how to act. But think about the last time you looked at someone who you at least perceived as winning and think about the difference between them and you. I'm not a proponent of comparison AT ALL but I think this is relevant. Those people who get ahead in life are ahead because they don't sit back and wait for anything to tell them it's okay to move. They watch the same shit those conveniences and technological advances were built to watch and they act accordingly. Does it really make any sense to stand immobile at a corner because the light is still red and the pedestrian signal is showing "don't walk" when you can see with your own eyes that no cars are coming? Come on, somebody! LOL

I just want you all to take some time to think about how you're moving in your life and consider how much of it is spent waiting for permission. Just open your eyes and pay attention. You could open up whole new worlds just listening to that voice inside you that says: GO.

I love yall. Be great.

how to: LEVEL UP (MENTALLY)

I've been having this conversation so often lately, Ima just let her tell you.

Medium Rare

There's a post in me, but it's not quite ready.

I've been in here 4 or 5 times over the last few weeks, but each time, a line or two was all I could muster, hence the meme-ing. Experience tells me I can't write about it because it's not done with me - this.... thing, or process, or whatever it is. It's not done. I'm not going to rush it - odds are, I couldn't if I wanted to - but transitions are hard. Especially for a Cap like me who needs things like certainty and structure - neither of which there is very much of in my life right now. But I've seen this movie a time or two, so I know regardless of what I've had to suffer through, or what I may still have to suffer through before it's all over, I know I'll come out the other end better for it.

#Trusttheprocess.

Get Rid Of It

Toxic is Toxic

Vibrational Intelligence (VQ)

I call it having a high VQ. I used to mistake it for being grown, but there are a lot of "grown" folks out here who ain't on the same wave. There are a lot of "grown" folks who futilely try, again and again, to essentially fit a square peg into a round hole, not quite understanding that some things don't work because they were never meant to; not because you weren't trying hard enough. Not because you should have done something differently - that is, unless the "differently" is taking your ass on up the road.

Once upon a time, I was "grown" too LOL. But that vibration hit different when it matches yours.

Damn. [RIP Nipsey Hussle]

This one made me genuinely sad. I don't know a ton about his music but I'm familiar with his history, his transformation and his community investments. It's hard to imagine anyone wanting to dim this light, although not even 24 hours later, speculation runs rampant as to why his life was lost. Whether it was the result of an effort to prevent him from putting out the Dr. Sebi documentary he was working on, or just some jealous, hating ass niggas from the hood, we lost a real one. Love and healing vibes out to @LaurenLondon and everyone else who knew and loved him.

A Story to Tell

Once upon a time, 40 years ago, a seemingly clumsy little girl fell down and skinned her knee. The curious thing was that this wasn't the first time she'd fallen in recent weeks and her older sister, with whom she was constantly in tow, was concerned enough to mention it to their mother. Shortly thereafter, it was determined that there was a problem with the little girl's circulation - blood was not flowing to the bottom half of her body to the degree that it should, causing numbness in her legs and resulting in the curious tumbles. Further testing indicated that source of the problem was the little girl's heart - there was a hole in the aortic valve. Surgery would require the implementation of a new technique at the time - one the doctor himself had never performed - but it was the only solution. So the mother put her trust in the doctor and her faith in her God and agreed to move forward with the surgery. The operation was a success, just as the doctor had promised it would be, and the little girl lived a long, dope life!

The End.

I'd be surprised if I hadn't already told some version of my story on this blog but there's a reason I'm [potentially] revisiting it today. A few days ago, I had my biannual cardiology checkup. The tech conducting my echo (-cardiogram) started asking me questions about the operation that no one had ever asked me before. One in particular, I didn't know the answer to and that was whether my coarctation of the aorta was ascending or descending. In layman's terms, she was asking me whether I had surgery on the portion of my aorta that comes up from the heart, or the part that goes down from the heart. I got this surgery when I was 4 years old, how the hell was I supposed to know? As far as I was aware, no cardiologist I'd ever seen since we left the Bronx has gotten to access my original medical records. Since I wasn't sure, we embarked on a journey to find out. By viewing the echo and talking through what we were seeing, the tech concluded that the repair was done on the aorta ascending, along with a bit of the aorta arch. She then picked up the model heart that was sitting on the counter and showed me the area - which surprisingly was only about 2 inches or so long - and talked me through what would have been done all those years ago - the doctor had used the lining of a calf's heart to repair the hole in mine. We then looked at the echo again and I understood perfectly why she commended my surgeon so: you couldn't see the work. She said if no one had told her I had had the repair, she would never have known.

Having been walked through what was actually done for me, and having been told how brilliant a job my doctor had actually done, my mind went back to October 1980, Albert Einstein Hospital. There are only a few things I remember clearly about my time in recovery after the surgery but there is one thing I'll never forget. I'll never forget when several days after the operation, the doctor said I needed to get out of bed. He wanted me to spend some time in the play room and, in general, just moving around. I don't think it was my first day out of bed, but my second or third, when I tripped over my IV cord. I managed not to fall to the floor but my mama was TERRIFIED of me hurting something and made me get back in the bed. I was so upset because I hadn't been in the play room more than 10 minutes when that happened and for a 4 year old in a boring hospital, that was a time I looked forward to. I started crying, telling my mom I would be careful if she let me go back and she was not having it. She wasn't having much of that crying either LOL. The doctor came in after a few minutes and let her know that it was nothing to worry about and that there wasn't much of anything I could do to "mess up" the surgery. It was because of him saying it was okay that my mom let me go back to the playroom but despite his assurances, I made super sure to be careful from then on. I can still see it so clearly.

Next year will be 40 years. I've decide I'd really like to track down my surgeon. Problem is, my mom doesn't know his name and we don't have my original records. I think I'm going to try to get them though, or at least make some calls, send some emails and see if I can find out who he was. With any luck, he's still alive and then hey, ya never know - maybe have the chance to shake the man's hand. I'll be honest, I'm not at all optimistic that I'll find him - alive, at least - but I've seen the unlikely occur so many times in my life, I want to at least try. Imagine I find him. How fucking AMAZING would that be...........

If Found, Please Return....

#Reincarnation

They Came To Teach

I saw a meme last week that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. It said something to the effect of "They didn't come to stay, they came to teach" and I tell ya, lessons....... SMH. Lessons will level your ass but you have to be receptive to them. You have to.

If you really know me, you know I've never been the relationship girl. That's not to say that I haven't had them - obviously - but it generally comes as a surprise to people when they learn I'm in one. To put it plainly, I like my freedom and my space. I like to deal with people on my terms and not out of any sense of expectation or obligation. On the rare occasion, the stars and planets align and I find my desire to engage on a regular basis with someone in particular outweighs my desire for freedom and space and then BOOM: relationship. That's usually how it works, but we're talking about few and years between type rare.

Now this time last year I was in my first [official] relationship in like 6 years, and though it ended in the weirdest of ways, I decided that's what I wanted for myself, going forward - to be in a relationship. There's nothing inherently wrong with that except when you go looking for something, you tend to force things once you think you've found it - at least I do. I also have no emotional brake pedal so "feelings" are a sketchy space I don't like to occupy until and unless I feel safe. That being said, that relationship was AMAZING but I didn't read the fine print (Non-transferable. Other and future relationships sold separately LOL). And when I thought I found that next big thing.......... I sold myself up the river. Though it was only for a very short time, I am still unbelievably angry with myself. SEETHING. Right hand to the gods, I will NEVER do that to myself again, but when I tell you the realization of that shit humbled me? I feel winded just typing this shit, I'm not even kidding. Initially I just moved on like it never even happened, but when I came across that meme, it was like some Bird Box shit - like somebody grabbed me by the head and held my eyes open to it so I couldn't avoid seeing it.

This is such a loaded lesson because it hit me on several levels and I'm still unpacking it. I needed a reminder that I was special; I also needed a reminder that I was not. There are so many things I understand now. I know and have a newly strengthened respect for both my capacity and my limitations. I have a newly strengthened respect for my LANE. And again I say: SELF CARE! I think at the core of it is the message to remain true to myself above all. I never stopped to wonder before why I couldn't bring myself to be mad at him, although there was ample reason to be. I think the meme is the answer.

He just came to teach.