#Boom

 

And this is why I say everybody's fair game on this blog.  Feel how you feel.  You don't wanna be called out as a douchebag, don't be a fucken douchebag. 

You Choose

 

The Patriarchy

OMG, I'm so annoyed, but let me back up a bit.

So Ready To Love is this dating show on OWN that I and a couple of my girlfriends watch every week and then chat about.  There are typically 20 [black] men and women brought together to get to know each other with the objective of hopefully finding love with someone in the end.  I like the show because the group is older (mostly mid-30's to late 40's) and IMO more representative of what real life looks like.  Some have children, some have been divorced, some have been career-focused and haven't dated in 10 years - shit like that, and a lot of the issues that surface in the process are reflective of actual situations you might find yourself in when dating out in the world.

This season, there was a woman with 2 men interested in her all the way to the end.  Each of these men also had another woman they were interested in (5 people in total here, keep up lol).  Throughout the course of the show, people were narrowing things down in an effort to choose who they want to try to make it work with.  This chick told both of the men that she couldn't choose.  We're in the last week and she isn't ready to make a decision.  So the guy who was her top choice all show basically said, "Well since you don't know, I'm going over here to who does know," and he chose his other woman who he was equally into.  Her other guy initially said the same, but he was so smitten with her that he changed his mind and chose her over his other woman.  So now this woman has only this man but she won't let go of the fact that the first dude chose someone else.  That's about all the backstory you need to meet me where I am.

So I'm talking to one of my girls about the reunion show where all this was discussed and everyone explained their positions and why they did what they did.  This is what my girl said to me: 

"I was feeling for Kyra a bit during this episode, in the conversation with Jason and her. Like he kept saying he wanted her to make a decision, and she couldn't cause she said she hadn't made one, and that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her. Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her? That ish be pissing me off now. The patriarchy!!!"

I couldn't control my face.  The patriarchy? LOL  And what the hell does any of this have to do with a double standard?  

"that wasn't a good enough answer - like he decided for her."

Listen.  He didn't decide for her, he decided for HIM, the same way you have a choice when some man can't seem to make up his mind about you.  It's not the patriarchy's fault if you choose to sit around and wait for him to decide if he wants you or not.  

Also, I'm a big believer in doing what's best for you, so if Kyra thought the best thing for her was not to decide before she's sure or ready, I'm good with that.  Maybe neither of these men were really right for her at the end of the day.  But you can't then be mad at the other person for not choosing you.  YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE HIM EITHER. 

"Men do that double standard shit all the time. Like it's ok for him to date 2 people and like both of them, but it's not ok for her?"

Guess what?  There is no double standard.  You, she, ANYONE can date and like 2 people at once and nearly everyone on this show has at some point had 2 interests.  The issue is, this isn't real world dating where someone could essentially do that indefinitely, or at least take their sweet time deciding who they want to be with.  This is a finite process with a predetermined end date.  So if we're at the end and you're telling me you don't know - especially when all this time you've been saying I'm your top choice - I'm out too.  Cause now you just look like you're playing games.  

It's not the show I wanted to talk about though, it's the ideas highlighted in pink which came up in our conversation.  These are real life points that a lot of women are missing, thereby causing their own pain and frustration.  I admit, I was guilty of this victim mindset too - for a very long time - until I finally realized that nobody was imposing these "rules" on me but me.  Why do women put all the power in the hands of the men they're dealing with?  

Newsflash: YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.  If he's not choosing you, sis, BOUNCE.  Leave his confused ass right where he is and move on to another guy that's not gonna waste your time.  Standards aren't only about appearances and what someone comes to the table with; they're also about how we want to be treated.  They're about [often] unspoken contracts between interested parties until they are no longer interested.  Once that shit is no longer what you signed up for, break the fuck out.  You don't have to be dismissed or given permission, just go. You don't need a final word or position to be taken by him - GO.  You can absolutely do that.

And I'd love to see where it says that a woman can't date 2, or even 3 people at a time.  The fact of the matter is that men do it MORE, and more consistently, so it's attributed to them more, but plenty of women do too.  I, myself, dated 2, even 3 men at a time consistently over the course of about 15 years.  [Sidebar: this is why I tell yall stop making dumb ass assumptions about single people.]  Some believe the difference is biological - that women are just most often "wired" to lock on to one guy that they like.  I don't dismiss that thinking, however I believe it more likely to be conditioning.  In that regard, we might be able to work "double standard" in here.  A majority of women have been indoctrinated that this behavior is unladylike and even reckless, but while they're clutching their pearls at the mere idea of dating around, being the powerless victim in the situation is just breaking their own hearts and fucking up their self esteem.  I also attribute some of it to society and today's dating landscape.  Women tend to believe that there are very few good men left so when they find a viable candidate, they cling to him like he's their last and only hope.  It's absolute bullshit that is very much perpetuated by (here we go, friend lol) the patriarchy.  It's a control mechanism, as trivial as it may sound, but maybe that's a conversation for another time.

Bottom line, wield your power.  Make choices for yourself and stop blaming other people for whatever choices you do make.  Most of all, understand that even not choosing, is choosing  Stop being the victim.  I hear it's highly unattractive.

PSA: It's Not About You

PSA: 

If you're going to reach out to lend support to a friend or loved one dealing with a sensitive situation, please take a moment before you reach out to remind yourself that this is what you're doing.  Remove yourself and your feelings from the conversation because it's not about you.  As natural as it may feel to express how helpless you feel, how hurt you are or how you don't know what to do, don't.  The last thing someone going through something wants or needs is to now to have to help you manage your feelings.  It can even come off disrespectful or offensive; as if your pain even remotely compares to theirs.  It's selfish and it's insensitive.

It's also counterproductive to what you intended - if it's what you truly intended.  I say that because some people's motivation isn't genuine, whether or not they realize it.  The need for attention is so ingrained in some folks that they aren't even aware when they are doing the right thing for the wrong reason.  So just take a moment to remind yourself that you're reaching out to LEND support, not receive it.

That is all.

Something New

I wrote this on July 1, 2009, back before this blog existed.  It popped up on my FB memories and reading through it took me right back to that moment.  Bittersweet, but the message still stands: something has to end in order for something new to truly begin.  What do you need to bring closure to in order to start anew?

So its just after 4pm and its been a long day. I know that my pit stop is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of home, so everything in my body is saying "Just do it tomorrow." But its been 5 days since I took on this responsibility, and if it were me, I'd be bitching a fit by now, so I suck it up and head out East.

Im not thinking too much about it on the way there - too busy planning out the rest of my weekend, figuring out what to change into for the suaree tonight and wondering if so and so is really gonna call like he said he would - you know, that sort of thing.

I pull up to the mall, somewhere in the vicinity of where I think I need to go, park and get out, still unassuming and on track to getting this over with, as to go on with the rest of my day. Now where the hell is it, I think to myself.... Ok, I think its this way.

I continue about 100 yards, to the place where the corridors intersect, and suddenly I see him. His back is to me as he's engaging in lighthearted conversation with what appears to be a potential customer, and out of nowhere, my eyes start to well with tears. What the hell???? I stopped for a couple of seconds to get myself together, not sure where the emotion was coming from, and approached the counter, envelope in hand.

A couple of seconds pass before he turns around and he smiles at me. He extends his hand - he's been expecting me. I give him the envelope and without warning, the tears are back.

"So this is it huh?"

I nod.

"Im happy though, its been 3 years."

"I know," I say,"but still. I feel kinda...."

"I know," he says. "It's awkward. But its been a long time coming. I mean, what ya gonna do, ya know? I'll always love her though..... I'll always love her."

I give a half-hearted smile and lower my eyes as I say goodbye and head back the way I came. My eyes were still burning, trying to release the tears I was determined to keep from falling. I got back in the car and just sat there, heart breaking, for just a few minutes, then pulled out to begin my solemn ride home.

I served my best friend's husband with divorce papers today, and a little of me died inside. Ironic really when you think about it. We know something just has to happen - its necessary - and we even WANT it to happen, but when it does, it evokes all kinds of emotions that we never thought it would. I wont say anything negative about the man, I just wont, but I was and am still glad my friend finally did what she had to do to sever the ties to that piece of her life and be able to really move on in the one she has already begun. But still and yet, the idea of something that was supposed to be forever coming to an end - and me being the catalyst for its final chapter.... it kinda took the wind out of me.

But who more fitting than someone who has been almost exactly where she has? Different man, different circumstances, no paperwork, but in a longstanding relationship that yielded children and joint responsibilities that somehow managed to burst into flames when no one was watching. And I asked myself a lot of questions as I drove that Im not sure I will ever have answers to. But I guess at the end of the day, something always has to come to an end in order for something new to begin...