Mea Culpa

Speaking of accountability.....

By sheer happenstance, I came across a series of emails yesterday that I had completely forgotten about.  They were nearly 10 years old (and one was from 2006) so no wonder there, but I truly delighted in the content.  The details are immaterial but those emails stuck with me all night.  How fitting that the sky opened up at some point and the storm, along with the darkness, set the perfect scene for a Black Jack night - what I affectionately call an evening of sipping Jack Daniel's, smoking a cigar and listening to music while reflecting on whatever is on my mind.

My thoughts went back to an apology I recently issued to the person on the other end of those emails, which was for a specific thing they didn't even feel I was wrong about.  Last night, I realized how wrong I actually had been throughout the course of our relationship.  I don't think I've ever told this person that I blamed them for certain circumstances that had me in my feelings for so long, but I 100% believed them to be at fault and I felt a whole WAY about it.  It almost ruined our friendship, I felt so strongly, but the bond between us was able to carry us through.  The conversations those emails brought back to me were proof that the blame was mine.  I tell you - perspective is a motherfucker.  

I think another apology is warranted, whether or not they think there's anything to apologize about (they likely don't).  It's important because my previous perception of reality colored how I viewed this person and they didn't deserve the energy I know that sometimes came with - even if they didn't notice.  I knew it was there.  And the biggest thing for me, notably much more self-aware than average, was the realization that even though I lent myself to the idea that maybe they hadn't done anything wrong, it didn't equate to me thinking the fault was MINE.  I considered the circumstances to be blameless; nobody's fault, it just was what it was.  To now understand that it was ME who was responsible for my disposition all that time was a real "wow" moment.  Talk about a chin check, that shit hit me like a ton of bricks!  

But I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong and I wholeheartedly believe in accountability, so apologize, I will.  I'm SO glad I came across those emails yesterday.  Not only did they provide an avenue for a change in perspective, they were also quite nice to read.  It was nice to remember conversations I had long forgotten and though they "slapped my hand," they also provided a great deal of validation in a way that is genuinely appreciated - especially at this particular time in my life.  So don't be afraid to face yourself, people.  Ownership is key in many more ways than one.