Typing My Way Through

The only reason I will not say I am depressed is because I refuse to claim it. I will not give that shit a home but I do acknowledge that it has decided to come for a visit.

It's odd; I don't feel sad, I just don't give a shit. About anything. Maybe it's just been a rough couple weeks. I'm in a rut that's showing itself in every space of my life and the only way I know to get out of it is to come into the confessional, bare my soul and read the words back to myself as evidence that I'm more than my temporary emotions. I honestly don't even know what the problem is but it started just after Easter. The closest I can bring myself to putting a finger on it is to say that I'm feeling exceptionally ordinary. Not average - ORDINARY - and its been slowly sucking away my motivation to be or do anything I was or did before April 20th. I know it will pass, I just need it to be sooner rather than later.... before regression becomes starting all over again. Lord knows I don't need that shit. "Project Me" was hard enough the first time.

Take dating, for example. I don't even get cute for dates anymore. FIRST dates, mind you. I tell myself its okay because, I mean, he's supposed to like you for you anyway, right? You can show him how nice you clean up next time, assuming he makes the first date cut. [Insert side eye here] Bitch, what? If HE makes the cut? YOUR ass might not make the cut! He done ironed and got a fresh cut and I'm acting like he's just lucky I even came and shit LOL...SMH. This is me, knowing I'm self-sabotaging going in - but I still do it. Why? See above: I just don't give a shit. The fact that I can laugh about it is promising but it doesn't allow me to go back and remake that first impression. Moot point in most cases, but yesterday I went out with a guy that made me regret my decision to not take things seriously. I started to think better of it and reschedule but I waited too long and got that "Be there in 15 minutes" text, to which I simply replied, "Cool." For the first time in quite the while, I found myself sitting across the table from somebody absolutely PERFECT for me, having a really good time, thoroughly enjoying the conversation and I hadn't really done my hair, touched up my work face OR worn my "good booty" jeans. But we had a good time, right? He said so. Then he said I was cool. Cool. THIS shit again. MAJOR #FAIL.

I don't expect to just wake up tomorrow feeling totally better but depression and I are slowly but surely wrapping up. I finally got up and cleaned my room (chile, I done swept and errthang!) and it feels so nice in here now, I've just been laying across my bed for the last couple hours, listening to channel to 843 and staring around the room at nothing in particular. The thoughts began to flow much like my 4am moments with the Lord. They weren't at all clear, but I still understood. It looks a little like this....

I am not insecure, but I am feeling that way.

I am not fat, but I am feeling that way.

I am not unworthy, but I am feeling that way.

I am not undesirable, but I am feeling that way.

I am not self-destructive, but I am feeling that way.

I am not a failure, but I am feeling that way.

I am not depressed, but I am feeling that way.

And I wont begin to feel better until I start wanting to.

So I guess it's time to switch off the auto-pilot and stop acting like some basic bitch. It's cowardly and unattractive on EVERYBODY. I am no exception.

And I'm NOT fucken ordinary.