Freedom and Fibroids

I have been tucked away in this house for more than 2 weeks. I could not WAIT to get outta here this morning. I was only going to the doctor for my follow up visit, but I wouldn't have cared where I was going, as long as it got me outta here. It was cold too, yall, sooooo cold..... my face was pretty numb by the time I got on the bus, but I listened to my Pandora and glared out the window like I was seeing everything we passed for the first time ever and I all but forgot I was freezing. At some point "Ready for Love" came on and I gave into the impulse to close my eyes and immerse myself in it - not even the lyrics, which I love, or the message, which I'd swear was written expressly for me, but just the sheer beauty in India Arie's voice.... the fluidity in the delivery.... that uncanny ability music has to take you into a completely different part of yourself than you are actively operating in at that moment....




I felt like I was in that part of a movie where the character is transforming - you might see her on a train or bus, head leaned up against the window, eyes trained on something of wonder.... or nothing at all. Not on my way to work. Not on any real clock. No laptop (or midgets) in tow. It was just..... a freedom. Its a rare kind of feeling that I think I've only experienced on the even rarer occasion that I might have gone into the city looking for something - anything - to do and I thought to myself, "I should do that more often."

I got the gold seal of approval from my doctor - everything looks great - but he still wants me out of work for another 2 weeks. No argument here. I was surprised to find out, however, that the grapefruit-sized fibroid attached to my uterus was not a fibroid at all - nor was it attached to my uterus. There were still the smaller fibroids inside of it, but the huge one of the most concern was actually a "mass" or growth which was actually coming off of my ovary - hence the removal of said ovary. A biopsy of the mass had been sent to the lab in the middle of my surgery for testing and while I was relieved to find out that it was not cancerous, it felt strange to just be hearing about it for the first time, nearly 3 weeks after the surgery. It's like a cancer scare..... without the scare LOL. I don't feel gypped or anything (trust me, this whole ordeal was scare enough), I feel more like...... somebody mixed the peas with the corn instead of the carrots LOL. I mean... I don't like cooked carrots.... but clearly people mix peas with them. That probably makes absolutely no sense to you LOL............... it just felt like somebody made a mistake.... like a slide from somebody else's life presentation somehow got mixed up in mine, confusing the hell outta everybody for a split second then simply tossed over a shoulder, into a trash can, to be of no further concern. Was that any better? No? Well maybe its something I'll never be able to explain, but suffice it to say I feel blessed. And awesome. I mean my body was on fire an hour after I got home from all that "freedom" and shit but while I was out there, I was brand new LOL. I totally get why I cant go back to work yet though. You feel like you're all better until you take your ass through somebody's subway system, up and down a few stairs and across a couple platforms, all at a NYC pace. Oh you are doing the absolute most while you out there but you gon learn when you get home LOL. Yeah. I totally get it.

Tonight's sleep will be brought to you be Vicadin - the nighttime aching, throbbing, cause you wasn't really built like that medicine.....