That moment when...

... a long-running joke is no longer funny.

None of my [official] friends who have kids have plans to have any more. I count myself among them. I cant tell you how many times we've joked about wanting to rip our uteruses out and sit them on a shelf between our Holy Bibles and the last Mother's Day card we got with glued-on macaroni noodles. That shit stops being funny when you find yourself faced with the reality of having to have it done - minus the shelf.

Friday I had what felt like menstrual cramps, only I had been off my period for like a week already. Had some spotting the day after and thought maybe all the stress I had been under recently had caused my period to double back before its time, but it never came. The spotting was over as quickly as it started. Fast forward to yesterday and Im at work doubled over at my desk in pain. I don't know if its cramps or I just need to move a bowel (pardon the TMI lol) so I go to the bathroom and am overrun with this instant nausea. Body goes weak, mouth fills with saliva and Im dry-heaving. Once again, as quickly as it comes, it disappears. This happens a second time a couple hours later, only that time, the pain is so bad, I cant even move and end up sitting in the stall for 25 minutes. Every time I tried to stand, the pain travels down my leg or my entire left side goes numb. Either way, I cant walk. By the time I finally can, the pain is so intense, Im crying. I tell my boss I have to go home and I find myself in bed with a heating pad for the rest of the night.

Now prior to all this, I was aware of the possible fibroid in my uterus but it had never caused a problem before now. I decide to see my doctor today and the ultrasound he does showed that I had a cyst which had ruptured and my pelvis was now filled with fluid (this was why I was in so much pain yesterday). Along with that are 2 fibroid tumors, one of which is the SAME FUCKEN SIZE AS MY UTERUS! Doc tells me he could remove the fibroids but if he removed them, I'd just find myself in the same situation a few years from now. He wants to remove my entire uterus. MY ENTIRE UTERUS.

Now granted, I had no intention of having any more kids, despite my statement that if I got married to an awesome man who wanted to have a baby with me, I'd consider it. That being said, Im 37. You want to remove my entire uterus? I had considered having my tubes tied or burned or whatever 2 years ago and when the time came, I couldnt bring myself to do it. Its just so.... final. I had spoken to a friend of mine who had done it and she regretted it, had it undone, and had another child. I aint having nobody's other child (LOL) but I related to her feeling of it being too soon at our age. I didn't go through with it. Again I say I in no way do I WANT another child but I wanted to come to that place on my own terms. I wanted to make the decision myself. Now that I am having all these other issues that somewhat require me to make that move, I feel like.... Im having my womanhood just wrestled away from me. I guess the silver lining is that I would still have my ovaries so I wouldn't be in menopause and need to take hormones or anything, and I'd no longer have periods (hallelujah!) but still. And the main reason this is such an issue for me is because I am TERRIFIED of going under the knife. Yall know I have this thing about borrowed time. I had the risky open heart surgery when I was 4 and didnt have to do it again when I was 14 like they thought. I came within a baby's breath of dying in a car accident back in 1995 and nearly bled to death when having my son 3 years later. I kinda feel like.... what if I've used all my gimmes? What if my luck runs out and I die on that table? Im down here by my damn self, no support, no family.... just.... what if? When I tell you I am paranoid about this shit I mean PAR-A-DAMN-NOID. But I guess all I can do is pray about it. It would really be awesome if you guys would pray about it too.