Is it Saturday yet?

I know its not gonna last because I get restless easily but I've really enjoyed laying around the last couple of days. I suppose its a lot easier to do when the drugs you're on make it nearly impossible to object LOL. I dont know how many people have told me in the last couple of days to just chill out and enjoy the down time, and I am definitely doing that, but I do look forward to things going back to normal... moving freely without the pain and fatigue... a night stand that doesn't look like the pharmacy at Walgreen's... and a roof that shelters only 3. Yes people, my mama is driving me crazy.

Yall don't know this about my mom unless you know her but she's one of those people that's good for talking about punching somebody in the face or kicking them in the throat LOL. Im like "Ma, why you so violent? Why you always talking about putting your hands on somebody?" She justifies it by saying we know she's not really going to do it, its her way of saying someone is "taking her there" and she only does it around people who know her like that. Well first of all, I highly doubt that that is the case. It seems almost reflexive. I don't think she really has any idea how often she actually says it or even that she's saying it until its already coming out of her mouth, and to think that its okay simply because she "doesn't mean it" is to shirk responsibility for careless wielding of the sword of life. I told her if that's her "go-to" response, then there is an issue that she needs to address and its got nothing to do with everybody else in the world (who obviously are the problem LOL). She gets so defensive too whenever you say anything to her about it and Im like "See? Right there. Is there any reason you should be getting this upset right now?" And what does she do? Roll her eyes and walk off mumbling about kicking me in the throat LOL. She's crazy LOL.

Its rather frustrating because I have really enjoyed spending time with my mom, talking and laughing with the kids and stuff, but she cant seem to just roll with the positive vibes. In the middle of any story she tells, she has to go off on a tangent about somebody she wanted to kick down a flight of stairs or some shit and I just sigh and SMH. She even started to go so far as to blame the fact that my daughter had an attitude in the store yesterday on us (as in my generation) not taking care of business with our kids. I had to stop her right there......

"Dont do that. I get it - she had an attitude - but she is a teenager and teenagers sometimes do. Its just been that long since you've been exposed to one for any significant length of time because all your kids are grown. Hold her accountable for her attitude and deal with it accordingly. What you are NOT going to do is blame your inability to deal with A CHILD on some failure on my part to raise her, because I have done a damn good job in that regard and I resent any implication otherwise." *Crickets* Yeah, that's what I thought.

She never wants to take responsibility for her own reaction or feelings about a situation or acknowledge that people's ability to so quickly and consistently anger her is indicative of a personal problem. She just lashes out. She doesn't see how ugly it is and it makes me sad that she wont even try. So many people block their own blessings by perpetuating negativity in their own behaviors and attitudes and most of those people STAY with something to say about somebody else's. A lot of the things are small things that only require a little conscious reprogramming but change cant infiltrate the gates of defensiveness. Its the kryptonite to the superman of progress. Why wouldn't you want to make a change for the better?

I tell you what - we all have picked up bad habits from time to time that we haven't really noticed. If I have a tendency to do some shit that turns people off, I WANT to know. Maybe Im just an asshole (LOL) but maybe I really don't realize that Im doing it. My mom is generally sweet in nature but she has this underlying anger and bitterness that causes her to make some really ugly comments to and about people. My professional opinion (mmhmm, LOL) is that she has the power to stop doing it by simply acknowledging it and making a conscious effort to redirect her energy in a way that enables her to speak life and positivity. I see now why she always seems to have this look of sourness on her face when she's just walking around day to day. Its embedded in her somewhere and reflecting on the outside. Your thoughts become your disposition. All I want is for her to unleash herself so she can feel as beautiful as she would also appear without that bitterness all over her but I don't know if there is anything I or anybody can say or do to impact the situation if she's not gonna be receptive..... but if she's not gonna be receptive, this is gonna be a long couple days.....