A Determined Absence

One of the scariest feelings is the sudden realization that the last conversation... encounter.... or moment you had with a key person in your life is going to be the last. You weren't ready, so panic sets in and that voice in your head screams "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" while your heart does a wall slide down to your stomach. You can relax; I'm not talking about death. I'm talking about divides.

I'm talking about blackouts.

I'm talking about the "next time" that never is.

The intent you never got a chance to parlay into action.

I'm talking about nothing ever really "happening" - no argument, no incident - but suddenly she's not returning your calls or maybe he's not responding to your texts.

I'm talking about treading water with all your might as not to drown in the limbo.... in the confusion.... in the "WTF"-ness.

And all you can do in the fog of unrequited love is to think back to that last conversation.... encounter.... or moment you had and try your hardest to sharpen the images enough to last just one more day. If only you had known, you'd have savored that time. You'd have kissed her. You'd have breathed in his cologne and fully melted into that goodbye hug. You'd have been so present in the moment, you'd surely never forget it. You'd have accepted the invitation you declined because you were tired. Or it was raining. You'd give anything for that one more memory to draw from. If only you had known. But you didn't. And we never do.

Nah. I'm not talking about death. But death would almost be easier. Death is explanatory. And final. Nothing happens next and we don't expect it to. Panic-stricken you has no clue .... and whatever happens next is likely happening with someone else. While you're still waiting for him or her to tell you why because, after all, it's the least they could do, right?

At least death brings closure. Where's yours?

Yours comes when you stop waiting for a response you'd have gotten by now if it were coming. Yours comes when you stop waiting for him or her to let you off the hook. Yours comes when you take what happens next out of their hands and you decide for yourself to move on. A determined absence is all the clarity you need.

Cash out.

#message