Having a moment

Missing my Auntie Judy this morning. It kinda came outta nowhere.

I saw a man on the train with these black finger nails and I thought to myself, I’ve seen ONE black fingernail but how does a person have ALL black fingernails? I figured something must be wrong with him…. Maybe some liver thing or…. Cancer. And I remembered the time my Aunt Judy unwrapped her hands and showed me how her fingers were oozing this…. pus and swelling and her nails were yellowing. It was gross but it drew me in to an understanding. Something in that moment told me she wasn’t gonna make it. And then instantly my mind went from that scene to the end of her days, when my mom was flying down to be with her in the hospital for her last moments. I wanted to go so bad but at the time I couldn’t afford it. In retrospect, I probably benefitted greatly from being able to remember her the way she was when I last saw her – vibrant and full of life. But I sent my mom down with a pack of the cigars I smoke. Auntie Judy liked those. It was our thing. I hoped that sending them would make her feel like I was with her, and according to my mom, it did.

I think about Auntie Judy in passing all the time, but this is the first time in a while that I thought about her in a way that caused me to have to leave my desk and have a moment in the restroom. When I tell you I cried, I'm talking about boo-hoo, like-a-baby crying. But its okay, because it reminds me that I was blessed enough to have been that close to somebody – close enough that 5 years later, their absence can be felt as if it had just happened yesterday. It also reminds me how much I still carry her with me, even in the moments when I don’t acknowledge it.

It also reminded me that some things matter, while others really don’t.

I was upset yesterday because of something I failed to do at work. I was so upset that I was completely drained both physically and mentally by 4pm and when I got home, my entire body shut down. I struggled to stay up until 10 so I wouldn’t find myself waking up in the middle of the night, but I was out by 10:30. I woke up at 3:33 exactly, went to the bathroom and got back in bed, too awake to actually sleep, so I just kinda rested my eyes until 6. When I got up, I felt almost brand new – over the thing at work yesterday and just looking forward to the day. I had made myself physically sick the night before, stressing about something that I couldn’t change. I don’t know what happened in the overnight but I kinda feel like Aunt Judy kicked my spirit in the ass to tell me to get my shit together LOL and maybe I had the moment I had because she wanted to make sure I knew it was her. I can hear her now, “Sweetie, don’t sweat the small stuff.”

I hear you, Auntie. I hear you.