Well I'll Be Damned

Its funny.

"The Water Cooler" is the talking segment of our local radio morning show. They discuss everything from politics, local school systems, financial strategies, reclaiming our streets - whatever there might be to discuss.

Well on Mondays, this guy named Adam is always on, and generally speaking, I cant stand him LOL. I mean I hate the sound of his voice, the mention of his name, EVERYTHING. This guy can be the biggest dick ever on certain topics, and he has a tendency to have tunnel vision. He doesnt always take into account another person's perspective on an issue, he just feels how he feels and to hell with anyone who disagrees. To let him tell it, he's just being "real" and "telling it like it is" but no, dude - youre being a dick. Thanks.

So anyway, Im listening today, and he's on, and for once in his annoying ass life, he actually made a lot of sense. Not only did he make sense, he actually said something that made me think.

I was only listening off and on, being in the middle of eight hundred things at work and all, but whatever the topic was led him to talking about how children are with their parents and guardians. He commented about how kids tend to do what their parents do, not what they say, and Im already a subscriber to that concept. But he went further on to say that as children get older, a lot of parents experience difficulties with their pre-teens and teens relative to a level of respect, or lack thereof, rather, and that this lack of respect often times comes from something that has happened, which the child cant get past.

I had to stop and think about that for a minute. I absolutely LOATHE my father, and yes, it stems from things that he did and didnt do, but not being a real force in my life at any given time, I dont think it counts. My mother, on the other hand, who raised me, fits that example a little better.

As a kid and teenager, some things happened in my house that made me a little salty. I remember words being exchanged between my mother and my older sisters that should never be strewn upon a child, let alone one of your own. I remember teenage pregnancies that were handled with exile. I remember anger being unleashed toward ME in such a fashion that, on at least one occasion, I honestly believed she wanted me dead.

But of course, not everything was so drastic. I also dont think I ever got over that mid high school relocation that took me away from all my friends, even if it was only two weeks before I ended up returning without her. I stayed with my sister for those months until my mother returned and she didnt really seem to want me there, but hey, it wasnt her job to take care of me.

I remember feeling like my mother put her boyfriends over me. I remember her being more concerned with what her friends thought about her than what I thought about her. I remember times, at 15 or 16, being made to pay the household bills - including rent - from my little after school and summer jobs, just because she said so. I remember public humiliation. I remember broken promises. I remember boldface lies told both to and about me. I remember so many things that werent apocalyptic in themselves that probably had a bigger impact that those that were. But you know they say "tornadoes and hurricanes make the news, but termites do much more damage." Its the little things in life that affect you the most.

Anyway, I dont feel like I have ever been "disrespectful" to my mother, however, I know I dont have much separation between her and everybody else in terms of things that I will or will not say. When I feel wronged by her, I let her know, with no regard to her being my mother. I crack the same jokes around her that I do with other people and I refuse the same conversation and rebuke the same judgement. I think those things are what some look upon as disrespect, but I'll never raise my hand to her, I'll never call her out her name or anything like that, even as an adult. Cant say its right or its wrong, but I kinda feel like thats all I owe her. I feel a little bitter about having to essentially raise myself from the age of 15 because she simply checked out. The only time she seemed to take an interest in something is when she thought it might make her look bad. I admit, I always felt some kinda way about that.

So when Adam said what he said today, I had to give him credit. He's absolutely right. I think my relationship with my mother is a product of that very thing, and its part of the reason I employed the changes I've recently implemented in my own life. My son HATED that I smoked, and I would always tell him I was gonna quit. I'd try (or not) and fail, giving up, with very little fight, as soon as I found an excuse to. I never wanted him to have to get used to the cigar smell on me the way I got used to my mom smelling like trees and E&J - but he did. It made him so proud to know that I hadnt smoked in however many days (therefore not having much to drink either) and one day or another, the ashtray would be back.

I had been lazy too. Thats how he learned to do laundry. He'd need some uniforms and I'd not feel like doing it, so I talked him through how to do it himself. Not a bad thing, in itself - it was about time he learned anyway - but my motivation at the time was completely self-serving. Make no mistake now, I can be somewhat lazy by nature, LOL, and my home has never been quite the picture of tidyness, but it took a while for me to figure it out, but the extreme laziness was a product of a depression that i didnt even realize I was in, though I had been in it for quite some time. You could walk in the house at any given time and shit would just be all over the place. Not sloth, by any means, but clutter like a muthafucka. Random shit just not where its supposed to be. I'd know it too and just couldnt get in gear to do anything about it. No wonder my son's room looks like Chernobyl and he only seems to care when I threaten to take away his Playstation. *smh*

Life is so cyclical. We as people REALLY have to learn to pay closer attention, because its so easy to fall into a pattern based on a pattern you've been previously exposed to. Not much different than that woman with horrible relationship after horrible relationship because she hasnt yet realized that she's been dating the same man over and over again..........

SIDEBAR: REALLY aggravated right now that I let myself get distracted by a friend's email that totally annoyed me and threw me out of my zone. Make no mistake, just because you generally love your friends, does not mean you sometimes cant stand them. Im like seriously irritated right now LOL *eye roll*

ANYWAY..................yes, it is very important to take inventory from time to time and to also be very conscious of the words we use with people. Anger will wreak havoc if you allow it to, as will any other human emotion one could become overwhelmed with. Things that kids experience, AS kids, where their parents are concerned, will shape the relationship they have with them as teenagers and beyond. IDK that I could have possibly inflicted NEARLY as much irreversible damage as was inflicted upon me, but it has to be made a conscious effort on my part, because things we say to children affect them a lot deeper than we sometimes know, just as with adults sometimes. You just never know.

All I know is that my son is a pre-teen and there's been a time or two already that I've had to repeat myself, which I dont like to do, but it hasnt really gone past that, and if he expects to make it all the way to "teen", it wont LOL. But I've just gotten to a place where I know I can only expect as much from my kids as they can expect from me. I've always known that they will do what I do, not necessarily what I say, but it wasnt until today that I realized the "as I do" includes the unconscious, unintended and unacknowledged. That means a lot of different things to me, as I sit here typing through my thoughts, but it still takes me back to my original sentiment:

Adam finally got it right.