Digfiles - Episode 1

So me and the midgets go to Walmart today to do some grocery shopping. My daughter has to go to the bathroom as soon as we arrive, so I go with her, realizing I had to go too. She goes into the second stall and I wait for another one to become available. The first and third stall free up at the same time, so I mosey on toward the first one, TOTALLY not liking the sight of the decrepid looking woman who came out of stall #3, only to find a seam trail of fucken BLOOD dripping down the front of the bowl. I turned around to glare at the older woman who came out of it, surprised she wasn't post-menopausal, and rolled my eyes, unnoticed - nasty ass.

Forced to follow the decrepid lady, I double the seat covers and "pay the water bill" but just before I turned to grab some toilet paper, I notice feet outside the stall door that arent my daughter's. My eyes shift over to the inch-or-so wide split in the door and see this little asian girl, about 9 or 10, standing there just watching me. UGH, how creepy! I dont move at first, I just stare back like "WTF are you looking at? Dont you know not to watch people pee through the crack? Where is your mama" LOL I rolled my eyes again and maneuvered myself squarely out of view before wrapping it up. I glare at her too as I pass her, on my way to the sink, prepared to scrub my hands until they bled LOL.

I grab my baby and meet back up with my son, who was outside of the bathroom, waiting. We start our shopping, then get hung up in one of the aisles, where there had to be 800 shopping carts, causing a jam. No biggee, the kids will take a few minutes picking out the quick dinners they want anyway. They are going through the motions when I feel a hole being burned in my neck. I turn around - its my mother.

Great.

"Hi, Mom." LOL

She not only talks us to death, like she didnt just see all three of us twice in the last week, but she conned me into giving her the bag of fresh cut collards I grabbed, that happened to be the very last bag. THEN she trailed us through the next three aisles, browbeating me about buying wheat bread. I dont wanna buy wheat bread LOL. Its not even as big as this loaf of white bread, and it costs more too. Needless to say, I ended up with both. I thought we lost her for a while after that, but she popped right back up, with two pair of legging/sweatpant thingies for my daughter. Now she wants to harass me about buying them and twist my arm into going to look through the other clothes, but sorry, that is where I draw the line. Nothing at all against people who do, but I dont buy clothes at Walmart - I have my reasons. I also dont really dig JC Penny, so the mention of their huge sale kinda went in one ear and out the other too. But my mother was not going to let her favorite grandchild leave without those pants and the wretched Jonas Brothers shirt she picked out to match. Fine - as long as YOU pay for em.

$150 later (sent through her to another family member who needed some assistance) we were finally free of my mother's interference and could continue. Now we're in the pasta aisle, looking for elbow macaroni in a "regular people" sized box. Who the hell needs a damn box of elbows this big? Im not cooking for the whole block, damn! Couldnt find a smaller box, so I figured we would do without until we actually needed them, but I didnt get out of the aisle fast enough to avoid the next noteworthy moment.

This spanish guy and some chick, who I assume was his girlfriend, slide toward the shelf, behind me, and I hear him saying "Let me tell you something, and dont ever forget it. See this brand right here? Dont EVER buy this brand. You know why? I use to work for this company and they use to fire people like all the time and the dudes would be mad and they would piss and spit in it and shit."

*___*


Ok yeah, Im turning around to see what brand he's talking about LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Luckily it was some sauce brand that I had never noticed before - I definitely dont buy it. I cant really tell you what it was, but the writing appeared to be in cursive or fancy letters, and I think it started with a V. Stick with the Hunts and the Pregos and the Ragus and the shit you know, and you'll be ok LOL.

I really hadnt gotten everything I wanted to get yet, but the superbowl slash I-just-got-my-stamps crowd was wearing on my nerves and our cart was filled way over capacity, so I resolved to just finish shopping on another day, and headed to the register. There was only one person ahead of me in line, but they bought .... like.... everything in the store LOL so it took a minute. We loaded up the conveyor belt with our groceries and because our cart was so full, I had my son go grab another cart for the bags to go in, while we were still unloading.

The first handful of bags go into the new cart, and I am adjusting them, to make room for others when I notice the bagging is totally subpar. This dude has heavy cans mixed in with every damn thing. I had to regroup damn near everything he bagged so far. At that point, I heard myself say outloud "really???" and gave Shaggy a side eye. He didnt seem to realize it was directed at him, so at that point, I let my son deal with making space, while I watched the cashier. He'd put some random shit together, and before I pulled the bag off the posts, I'd pull stuff out and put it in with something else. I was shaking my head the whole time, like not only are you slow as hell, you're retarded. #BagboyFAIL.

I was never so glad to leave a Walmart in my life, and this was the same Walmart where the lady ripped my eyebrows off.

I cut her a glare on my way out too...