I Wanna Testify

I am 34 years old today. I just finished my obligatory near-daily blog post, and I’ve responded individually to everyone who took the time out to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook and now I am just chilling on my couch, having a drink and reflecting on my life.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and we discussed the way people tend to fall into a little bit of a depression when they are about to turn thirty, thinking about all the things they thought they would have accomplished by that time that they hadn’t. I never had that experience.

When I was 4-years old, I had open heart surgery that no one expected me to fully recover from. In saying that, what I mean is the doctor who had performed my surgery had never done it before and the procedure they employed was a fairly new one, so no one really knew if it would hold. Furthermore, it was thought that even if the surgery was successful, I would likely have to have it again in ten years, and there was no real knowledge of whether or not I’d need it again after that, or if I would be able to lead a normal life, without restriction. To everyone’s wonderment, I made a full recovery and never needed to have the procedure repeated, or have any restrictions placed on my activities. Thirty years later, I am relatively healthy and have even had two children that I would have been advised not to have if my last cardiologist had his way. So you see, in my mind, I’m not even supposed to be here. In my mind, I’ve always been on borrowed time, so each day, let alone year, is just an amazing blessing. Looking ahead was never something I had the luxury of doing. I never knew if my health would hold up so until a few years ago, when I changed to my current cardiologist, even when I tried to, I was unable to see myself as an old woman. Looking ahead to 30 at the age of 18 was something I never did, feeling it might be a moot point, so there was no feeling of shortcoming as that age approached. Still, I understand.

I had my first heartbreak at 14. I lost my virginity at 15. I was 20 the first time I told a man I loved him and 21 when I first realized it wasn’t enough. I had my first child at 22, and my second at 26. I gained my sexual freedom at 30 and at 34, I’m no closer to “figuring it out” than I was at 4. But the one thing I do know is that everything eventually comes full circle. Everything we do is somehow tied to everything we’ve done, and even the moments we would give anything to forget somehow come back and have some future relevance.

I said in my last post that the last good year that stands out to me was 1998. I would be remissed if I didn’t give honorable mention to 2004. I did a lot that year that helped me know what it means to really live, and I learned some very valuable life lessons. I traveled - a LOT LOL - and I met a couple of people who would prove to have a long-lasting effect on my life. I thought about one of them today. 2006 was no slouch either - I met some of the dearest people in my life that year. So with 2010 comes a lot of promise and a lot of expectation, but as much as I expect from it, I have no doubt it will require much of me as well.

What will the year hold for me? Will I have my next great romance? Will my surroundings change? Will my friends? Am I finally going to get and keep my money right? I don’t know. All I know is that change IS on the horizon and it feels positive - very positive. I’m sitting on my couch just feeling blessed beyond measure, for no other reason than I am.

I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have had the opportunity to be a mom, and I am blessed to have known what love feels like, even if I had the misfortune of it slipping through my fingers. I am blessed to have such good friends that I know a phony when I see one, and I am blessed to have enough confidence in myself that I can embrace my insecurities as simply the price of being human. I am blessed to be able to make mistakes and learn from them - and then consciously decide to freely make them again. Some are too much fun to make just once LOL. I am blessed to have born witness to enough miracles in my own life to know that there is a loving, forgiving and omnipotent God above who has loved me through all my imperfections and ungodliness, and I am blessed to have confirmation that I have had a positive impact on the lives of so many people, that didn’t require me lying in a casket to get.

Despite the downs I’ve been through… despite all the pain and betrayal and uncertainty… despite all the things that wear so heavily on a woman’s spirit, I AM BLESSED!

And so are you.