I Get It

I dont really know where Im going with this blog, so just ride with me till I get there. Thanks LOL.

So I have been friends with this guy for 20 years. At one point, after high school, we were hanging out a lot - I guess you might call it dating, but he wasnt like... my boyfriend. It was understood, though, that we liked each other, even though we were never any more intimate than an occasional kiss, so when this girl we both knew started saying they were seeing each other, it was a problem, and we fell out. He denied having anything with her and tried and tried to talk to me and I wasnt trying to hear it, because I didnt believe him and I was hurt. Might have been different if I had let him explain, but it also might have been different if he had handled the situation right, which IMO, he didnt.

Anyway, fast forward a few years. We've mended fences, but now he's married with children. Long story not so long, LOL he recently told me he loved me and contends that I was supposed to be his wife. What am I supposed to do with that? LOL But I cant front - I believe that too - and its been hard over the years, staying in this lane, but we have. Whenever he comes by, we reminisce about high school and all kinds of stuff, laughing and trying to remember names, and when its over, he goes home to his wife. I try not to get caught up in thoughts about what might have happened if I had never let that girl come between us all those years ago, but last night, it came up in conversation while he was here, and when he left, I couldnt think about anything else.

This morning, I found myself looking through his pics on Facebook and pausing on one of him and his family. His wife - eh, she's just alright - but in her pics, she looks like a good wife. She looks like she takes care of him and the house and the kids, and aside from some problems he told me they were having a few years back, they appear happy. I dont know that they are - he never talks about her - but although I believe that everything happens for a reason, I cant help wondering how things would have been if I had become his wife and I wonder if I could have been as good for him as the pictures make her appear.

I dont have many regrets. I pride myself on living a life as free of them as possible, but I have to admit that this is one of them. Maybe now I do understand how all these guys could come to me 15 years after the fact and cut a proverbial vein open, especially if he feels like he messed up. What I dont understand is what usually happens next - nothing.

Still not sure if this is where I wanted to end up with these thoughts. I feel like there is something else that I cant quite nail down. Maybe I'll mull it over a little more and come back to it....