Wedding Shenanigans

So I went to a wedding today. I didn’t even know the girl – she’s one of my friend’s co-workers – but I was invited as the +1, and there was an open bar, after all, so I went. Of course LOL.

There weren’t very many people at the wedding – less than 50, I’d guess – and I have to say, they were a very…interesting-looking couple LOL. The chick reminded me of a heavy set version of Carrie, from King of Queens, and the groom looked like some stoner dude from a movie like Clerks or Half Baked, except older LOL. Apparently he’s legally blind, but that didn’t explain his doofiness LOL. I saw his mama though. I totally get it LOL.

The priest was trying to be a comedian, with these little cute-but-dry jokes, and I was annoyed as hell that he kept making us stand and sit, over and over again, but I guess that’s how they get down in the Catholic church, so whatever. Nice ceremony, though. I almost didn’t notice that my girl and I were the only black people in the building, until the people in the receiving line, on the way out, tried way too hard to make us feel comfortable. I really wish this one lady hadn’t. She smelled like a night of bad decisions LOL. She hugged me and started talking, and her breath totally cleared my sinuses. Someone definitely left the communion wine unattended.

We had a couple of hours before the reception, so we went home and regrouped. We arrived at the spot and walked up to the tented area that was set up outside, and got caught up in a small cluster of people, all waiting to speak to the bride. Some helpful ass waitress walks up to us and says, “Oh I think the wedding you’re here for is inside, it hasn’t started yet.” We just looked at her, confused for a second, then my friend tells her that we’re where we’re supposed to be, and she apologizes and rushes off. The bride goes, “There is an African-American couple getting married on the other side.”

**staring into the camera** Seriously??? LOL

We shake it off and head for the open bar. A few minutes later, two of my friend’s other co-workers come in, one with an adorable 10-month old baby, with no shoes. Why do people do that? I know its hot, but damn, at least bring some in the baby bag so she aint gotta be walking through rain puddles later barefoot (yeah she was). But I digress. They were both really cool, and we had a good time with them at our table.

Also at our table was some other broad, who obviously never had the pleasure of being told that she talked way too much. It was tolerable at first, but after a while, it got really annoying and I had to tune her out. Later, I almost found myself embarrassing her. It came up in conversation earlier how the waitress thought we were here for the other wedding, and she thought it appropriate to come back to the table, after a trip inside to the bar, and comment how there was one table inside my friend would have been able to sit at, because it was the one table that had black people at it (the black bride had a white groom and there were only a handful of other black people there, and everyone else was white)…… again SERIOUSLY???? On what planet is it cute to say shit like that? Stop trying so fucken hard to be “down” and eat your fucken stuffed mushrooms. By that time, I had made the mistake of checking my voicemail and was pissed off by a message my mama left me too, so she avoided a reading by a very narrow margin. Luckily for her, I was in the process of regaining my center, and I didn’t want to add to the negativity that had already managed to contaminate my spirit. From that moment on, she just didn’t exist.

We stayed about another 30-45 minutes after that, during which, my friend had the DJ play the Electric Slide, so she could fulfill her obligatory “one dance” quota. I took some video, because I knew it was gonna be a hot mess with the folks who would, no doubt, traipse their rhythm deficient asses out there, trying to keep up, so it may or may not be posted below. I haven’t decided if I feel like uploading it, so hey, we’ll all be surprised LOL. (update: my cell phone records video in a file type not recognized by my laptop so no video for you - #uploadFAIL) I also took video of the employee who was sweeping out water puddles LOL. Yes, thats exactly what I said. It decided to rain cats and dogs, nearly the entire time we were out there, and water was raining into the open sides and leaking in through small holes in the top of the tent. We had to switch tables at one point because of it. There were mosquitos everywhere, which made it very difficult to enjoy the food and drinks. Im surprised I made it outta there with no bites, but of course, it might just be that I wont notice them until they start itching tomorrow. *smh* Get it together, Crescent Beach.

Before the bullshit set in, as it always does when my mama enters the picture, I was having a good time and that is what I choose to hold on to from today. My girl and I talked a little about marriage and weddings and how calm and collected the bride was, which is not something you see very often. She aint care – she was off in the cut, still in her wedding dress, smoking cigarettes every few minutes, like whatever LOL. I totally wanna get married now, just to be the cool, calm and collected bride LOL. I don’t even think Im inviting my mama, cause she don’t know how to fucken act LOL.