Trust Issues

So I was on the train today and I saw this dude. He was cute, I guess, tall, dressed okay. Then I saw the phone he had in his hand and felt my gag reflexes kick in LOL.

Maybe its just me, but I cant stand the sight of a grown man without a smart phone LOL. More specifically, I cant stand a man with one of those flip phones. My eight-year old daughter has a flip phone. That just says a whole lot of things to me LOL.

And while Im on the subject, what self-respecting, grown ass man has Cricket? LOL or Boost Mobile, for that matter. Get yourself a real carrier, dude. For real. WTF is that about? You know what that tells me? That tells me you are probably one of those dudes that has a new number every month, when your bill comes and you dont wanna pay it. And I blame them bootleg carriers, because they make it so easy for a person to just cut off the number they have and start up another account, with a new number. Really, Cricket?

I tell you what - if I happen to know the number you gave me today is a different number than the one you gave me when I saw you at the gas station a few months ago, Im skeptical. You cant even tell me you lost your phone, because you can get a new phone and still have the same number. You better have a story that warrants you changing your number, or that neon sign on your forehead is gonna start flashing bright red. You cant trust a man that has a new number every few weeks. You just cant.

I dont trust people who never drink either. So you might not be a BIG drinker - maybe you just have a glass of wine every so often, some champagne on new years, or do shots with your people when you go out for somebody's birthday - but if you tell me you NEVER drink, thats a red flag too. It doesnt mean you are a recovering alcoholic, but you're probably an asshole LOL. Who in the hell NEVER drinks? Grow the fuck up, jerk LOL.

And stop being responsible ALL the time. I mean, damn. You never do some bullshit just because you feel like it? Could you fornicate or smoke a little pot or something? I dont want nobody around making me all uncomfortable, side-eyeing every time I do something unorthodox. Get the hell on with that. Live a little. I dont trust them muthafuckas either. I need people around who cuss when they quote the bible LOL. It tells me you know whats right, and you mean well, but you acknowledge that you're human. You aint gotta kick an old lady down the stairs, but cheat on your taxes or something, damn LOL.

Just dont get Boost Mobile LMAO!