Better Now

So I feel somewhat better. I got a much needed pep talk and I realize now that I need to change my perspective. I didnt give up everything I had to come down here and fall apart. I'm away from my kids, and that sucks, but the truth of the matter is, nothing they are doing now is new, just new occurrences, and if I were there, I'd be closer to the situation, but I'd still be frustrated about it, AND hating my job and my city and the life I knew. None of this would be worth it if I made this move and didnt take advantage of everything it's affording me. None of this would be worth it if I spent every other night upset about things that, at the end of the day, would likely be happening anyway. If I spend my whole time away from them feeling like I felt earlier, I might as well still be there in the rut I felt I was in, doing nobody any good. Not me, not them, not anybody.

I've been talking to God for the last couple of hours, off and on, and where I have, at times, felt selfish for being here without them, I think Im here without them right now because there I things that I need to do for ME, before I can do anything for them. You cant ask God to order your steps if you arent willing to move your feet. There are things I have asked for that I cant receive until I am prepared to do so, and I think this is the time I am supposed to take to get myself to that level. I have minimal distractions and nothing but time on my hands, so if I dont take advantage of that and do what I know I need to do, I cant blame anybody else. I love my kids, I will always worry about them, but they cant be the excuse for failure on my part to capitalize on the blessings bestowed upon me.... on us.

Part of the struggle of parenthood is doing what we know is best for the long run, even when the children cant comprehend it today. Even when we arent sure, because no one ever is. Leading with your head and not your heart is a difficult thing to do sometimes, but it tends to be necessary in situations like this. I AM doing whats best for them. I believe that with my whole heart, so I have to pursue it as such and just trust that God's plan will always be better than mine.