On My Mind

Of all the things I think about on a daily basis, getting married is never really one of them, but I've been thinking about it lately. I dont know if I ever really wanted to get married - at least, not up until the time I got engaged. That didnt work out and I went back to not wanting to. But now that I have someone in my life that's showing the desire and potential to be a good husband, it's something I've been mulling over.

My not wanting to get married was never due to any antipathy for the institution itself. I just wasnt that little girl who spent her life dreaming about her wedding day. I've always been very independent, and was never even quite the boyfriend type, so the idea of someone else taking care of or being responsible for me was kinda foreign. I also didnt grow up with a man in the house, nor did I have very many friends who did, so marriage wasnt even on the radar. The very first time I ever saw myself as somebody's wife was during my first grown-up relationship, being naive enough to think it would last forever, when I had nothing else to even compare it to. The next time was a few years later when someone actually slid a ring onto my finger and asked me to marry him. I had no delusions at that time - by then, I was very much aware of the concept of divorce LOL.

But now Im back in a space where the potential for a relationship to take me down that aisle is quite high, although still really early in the game, and this time, there's a lot that comes with it. After several long distance relationships that could have easily landed me on the news, LOL, I decided it wasnt something I wanted to do again. However, someone came along and changed my mind. This situation is different than the previous ones in that I've known this person, at least casually, since high school, and he just happens to not live here anymore. We reconnected just on some cool shit some time last summer and its gradually taken a turn for something else. I didnt intend it, he didnt intend it, it just happened on its own - IMO, the way it should be. I believe the best relationships are born between people who have first learned to be friends.

So now that we've decided to take on this endeavor, conversations have gotten much deeper. He's made no bones about the fact that when we hit the next level, he's gonna need me physically there on a regular basis. I've made no bones about the fact that I have no intention on relocating, uprooting my family, to go be somebody's girlfriend. I think we understand each other. I dont much care for the city I live in and had intentions of leaving it anyway. Problem is, I really have no desire to live in the city he lives in either. I guess that's issue number one. Does being together mean that it has to be THERE? I know for damn sure its not gonna be HERE, LOL, but is some other mutually acceptable place off the table? I guess we'll have to talk about that. Im not gonna be the only one making sacrifices.

One might think its too soon to be worrying about stuff like this, but I disagree. Relocation is a life changing event - especially for a woman with children - and it should be given that level of consideration. I feel like its something I need to be thinking about NOW, because should I decide that Im not gonna be able to do it, there is almost no sense in continuing down this path with him, knowing that's what's going to be required. "Good while it lasts" has its place, but that's a space you dont generally occupy by choice. Most people would choose for things to go the distance, if they had the option.

So I guess we'll see. Im not going to stress about it, but I do think its important that I at least begin to think about it, so that whatever decision I come to isnt impulsive or pressured. Despite the fact that Ive been up since 5am thinking about this (because we just got into the bulk of this issue last night), my primary focus right now is enjoying the relationship, and eventually bringing it TO that next level so all my thinking isnt in vain LOL. I think its gonna work out just fine, its just amazing to me how quickly things can change....