Why You're Not Married

Grab a chair.... and probably a drink or a snack, because we're gonna be here for a while LOL...


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html


"You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.

Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.


2. You're Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.


3. You're a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.

If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.



Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.

Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love."

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books
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Whew.

Ok, so I admit: I copied and pasted this article before I actually read it, because I knew it was gonna be comment-worthy, but I really expected to have to come in here and rip this broad a new one LOL. Come to find out, I dont have a lot to say. For the most part, I agree.

I stumbled across this article via a second article, where a blogger was interviewing the author about the backlash she received after writing it. Women all over the place were all up at arms about the things she said, clearly not understanding 1) that there was a lot of sarcasm and satire in what was being said and 2) that these are generalizations. If it doesnt apply, let it fly. If you're mad about it, breathe fog back onto that mirror in front of you and keep pretending not to see yourself. Its cool. No judgment here. Matter of fact, Im SO not judging you, that Im about to call myself on my OWN bullshit. Check it.

1- Angry. Yup. Most people wouldnt use that word to describe me - I wouldnt either - but the fact is, I was angry.... at my mama. Yall read, yall know. But its not even just about the one-off beefs she and I got into. Underneath it all, I was kinda angry that she never gave me anything to look forward to. In the interest of not putting her business all in the street, I wont go into details, but when it came to successful relationships, she surely never figured it out. I was mad at my father too, for not being there to let me see, firsthand, why I hate him. I was also angry at my Ex for destroying everything that made me "me". I couldnt BUY a successful relationship after him and, for the most part, it was because I couldnt fully get out of it. Mentally, I mean. And when I finally did, I was mad at myself for buying the damn magic beans. Im still waiting on my gotdamn beanstalk.

2-Shallow. Yup. Again, most people probably wouldnt use this word to describe me, and I generally wouldnt either, but I can think of at least one good one I let pass me by behind something superficial. In my defense though, I was young, and while I still should have known better, I didnt.

3-Slut..... *staring into the camera*...... "Here lies casual sex. It departed this earth on June 7th, 2007. Details of its death have not yet been released. It is survived by an overwhelming desire for meaningful interaction and an abundance of Excedrin, extra strength." Im just sayin.

4-LIES! This is what me and my twin have affectionately dubbed "signing the waiver." I believe I have blogged about that before, and I have been guilty of it, on more than one occasion in my former life. Again, in my defense though, I didnt really know what I wanted, so "lying" is relative.

5- Selfish... by her definition, mmmmmm........not so much.

6- Not good enough... another one I think I dodged. Personally, I've always been rather arrogant in my approach LOL. I had the audacity to date DOWN, like I was gonna upgrade some-damn-body LOL. Fuck I was thinking bout, I dont EVEN know LOL

Anyway, I say all that to say this: "Dont be mad, Twan" LOL Be honest with yourself. Im honest with myself. I accept myself for the walking contradiction and work in progress that I am, and I dont feel a need to hide it. I've done a lotta ignorant shit in my time, but I've generally done it with eyes wide open. Be honest. You cant fix anything broken in your life until you do. Have a sense of humor about it, but acknowledge it. You aint shit LOL. Its ok. You hopefully get to a point where you are willing to look at yourself and make the necessary adjustments to not only make yourself a prize worthy of winning, but just a happier person all around. And make no mistake - I dont know if these are really reasons why women arent married, but I do know these are reasons why this world is full of miserable bitches. Half of em dont even know they're miserable. I'd say about one in three women are miserable LOL. Look to your left. Now look to your right. If you dont see a miserable bitch, its you LOL.

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