This Feels Like......

.....the longest blog ever LOL

Every now and then something happens that shows me how much I’ve grown as a person. Not necessarily in terms of maturity, but controlling my impulses….. well, I guess that is maturity, huh? *shrugs*

Well anyway, I think I’ve blogged before about being impulsive. I’ve made some pretty big strides in the last ten years, getting a handle on that – mostly as it pertains to my finances. I stop and think – more often than not – before I spend a chunk of money on something I likely don’t really need and 9 times out of 10, I talk myself down from the ledge. Travel’s always sort of been my Achilles heel though. I cant even tell you how many trips I’ve taken that I couldn’t afford in the last year alone, but I have even been working on that. I just recently cancelled some travel plans (the second in a couple months time) trying to be more cognizant of my priorities. So that’s real progress to me LOL.

Impulsiveness will fuck up the church’s money big time, but it can also make you do shit you need to not damn do…. like call a person you haven’t spoken to in a long time when they happen to cross your mind. What doesn’t cross your mind is why it is that you haven’t spoken to their asses in so long LOL. So you pick up the phone, you tell em they crossed your mind so you figured you’d call and see how they were doing. They tell you how sweet that is and you proceed to have an hour long conversation, at the end of which, you’re either feeling kinda awesome or you’ve been reminded why you stopped fuckin with this loser and you’re mad you even called LOL. If you feel kinda awesome, it sucks to be you, because that phone call will likely lead to another and before you know it, this person is once again a regular at the bar of your life. It can last a week, it can last a year, but at the end of whatever span of time it turns out to be, I promise, you will be reminded why you stopped fuckin with this simple bitch in the first place LOL.

This shouldn’t be the only way this scenario can go, but dammit, it is LOL. I know – I am the poster girl for this shit LOL. I can name 2 people right now that's part of my life today ONLY because I made a damn phone call LOL. Couldnt just let sleeping dogs lie, had to call and check on somebody and see how they been. Who gives a fuck, Dig? Are they wondering how you doing? Are they checking on you? No. So knock it off! LOL

But I couldnt help it. Im kinda sentimental so I use to do that shit a LOT – place that random call or shoot that random email and get myself sucked back into some bullshit it was probably hard enough to get out of the first time and then have to try to get back out of it all over again. Emotional attachment is a bitch. Its like being a recovering addict. Once you get it out of your system, you got to keep it out, or it’ll catch you in a moment of weakness and pull you right back in. That’s been the story of my life, so it was a pretty big deal today when I DIDN’T make that call.

It actually started with a spam email I got from somebody I don’t fuck with no more (as in we aint friends, not like…… well you know what Im sayin LOL). We don’t talk, chat, email, acknowledge…. I deleted him off my FB, all that shit. Anyway, I got a spam email and it made me laugh cause I was just looking at a list of the top email scams going around and this shit was like #3 LOL: your friend emails you saying they are stranded somewhere and they need to borrow some money that they promise to pay back soon as they come back. First of all, I PROMISE you this dude couldn’t find Cyprus on a map. He damn sure aint going there. Second of all, if he had gone to Cyprus and needed the $2,000 the email requested, he damn sure wouldn’t be asking ME for it.

Now I have gotten spam email from his account a couple times before but it was just a link. Normally I’d hit a person up (that I was still speaking to LOL) and tell em so they can change their passwords, but I was like fuck that nigga LMAO! But today I decided to go ahead and give him a heads up cause it was an actual solicitation and while I hope grown people would be smart enough to see that shit is fake, you never know how people might react if they thought it were real. You know them hackers send that shit to your WHOLE address book. So since I don’t have his number anymore, I had to search him on FB and send him a message. No response as of yet, and frankly, Im not looking for one. I'd be surprised if he responded, actually, but like I said, fuck that nigga LOL. He aint what this was about. He’s just the person that made me think of the person this was about LOL

For some reason, whenever my mind goes to this one person, it also goes to this other one. IDK if its because of how difficult a decision it was for me to actively remove these people from my life or if its because they were in it kind of around the same period and did the same dumb ass typa shit LOL but either way, if I happen to think of the first one, I’ll end up thinking about the second. It doesn’t work the other way around though. If I think of the second one first, the first one gets no air time LOL. There are reasons for that, which are completely irrelevant, but Im just trying to be clear LOL.

Anyway, when people do shit that gets em kicked out your life (and they dont necessarily wanna go) only one of two things is gonna happen when you call. They will either apologize for what they did just to eventually do it again, or worse, they will play dumb about it, or downplay the violation like you’re making a big deal over nothing, which will only piss you off all over again, and make you even madder at the fact that this muthafucka can still get under your damn skin LOL. You’re not over it. You only think you are because you banished “it” from the kingdom and didn’t have to deal with it no more. I finally know this LOL. I finally learned that lesson. 3 different times I made that call or sent that email and he ended up back on the same shit every single time. When you know someone will never change, YOU have to. So I am happy to say that today, ladies and gentlemen, I held my mule. I did not make that call. Let’s hear it for baby steps! *audience roar*

But baby steps they are. The truth of the matter is, I miss him. More accurately, I miss some of the conversations we use to have – we bonded in our disdain for stupid people LOL. He was always so interested in my love life (mainly so he could figure out the best way to fuck it up LOL) and I always had a story to tell so it worked LOL. But he lied to me. A lot. I got tired of being the only friend in the friendship, so he had to go. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do (clearly I still struggle from time to time), but although I sometimes miss him, I honestly am glad he’s no longer a part of my life. It was a huge step in the direction of making better decisions and I’ve been taking step after step ever since.

The hard part is making sure none of them are backward.