Now or Never

First things first: R.I.P. Amy Winehouse, who was found dead at her London home yesterday, of unclear circumstances. I think we all know what they will determine to have been the cause, but even more unfortunate is the fact that she's more widely known for her addiction and wreckless behavior than for her talent. Instantly, in death, she was flung into infamy, lumped together with a group of other tragic artists who left us at the tender age of 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and, of course, Janis Joplin. Facebook was flooded with jokes - "well they did try to make her go to rehab, and she said 'no, no, no'" - which could only be deemed funny by immature minds, unaware of the loss we've actually suffered..... not just that of a musical innovator, but any sense of our own tragic selves. That is truly a shame.

Outside of that, IDK. I find myself at a loss for words today, which is not a place I frequent. I'm not sure how I'm feeling - kind of optimistic, kind of nervous, kind of in a bubble, like I disappeared and nobody even has any idea that I'm gone. I feel like I have so much to do - so much that I want to do - but have no idea where to start, or if I even have enough time before the money runs out and the bills come due, forcing my hand. It's not really fear though. It's more like..... IDK. I cant explain it.

I decided to hold off on that "dont email me here anymore" email until tomorrow. I figured I would buy myself a little more time to prepare for my mama's inevitable "come back" lecture. I'm sure it's partially the reason I feel like I feel today - I feel a degree of vulnerability associated with disclosing my predicament, but doing so would mean fielding all questions and concerns at once, rather than over an extended period of time, with people learning of it gradually. I'd rather get it over with and deal with it, so I can move on.

One thing holds true: its so much easier to find a job when you already have one. Not only do they somehow pop up out of nowhere, but employers seem to pursue you differently when you are already employed. They hit you with their best offers from the door. When you arent working, it's like they purposely lowball you, thinking you'll jump at just anything, out of desperation. They must not know, I'm not desperate yet, and athough I believe God has a plan for me to be here, I've already ceded to the notion of returning upstate if things dont work out. With everything I've learned here, I'll go back and turn that muthafucka out before I struggle again. For the last couple of days, I've been thinking that might not be such a bad idea. After all, I've already seen that I could step out on faith and make a whole new life for myself and the midgets. I know that's not where I'm supposed to be. If I went back, it would only be a matter of time before I was off to somewhere else.

I feel like tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. God and I are gonna have a chat, and then my laptop is gonna be on fire, and my resume is gonna leave skid marks all over the web. Time to go hard..... or go home.